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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

no sex or nothing

87 replies

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 12:53

i have been with my partner for over 2 years and we've recently had a baby. in my honest mind, i know i have been more demanding since baby has come along and of course we are tired. But not THAT tired, baby s very very good and has been sleeping through for months.

ive done all i can to try and make myself more alluring, lost my baby weight, changed my hair to the colour his exes was, done my nails...generally taking care of myself but no matter what I do, there is no spark...not even a whiff from my partner. If there is, it's once in a blue moon - probably once a month.

i suppose the real answer is if i loved him, i'd put up with it right? we've talked and talked til the cows come home, I've cried, i've tried it on with him, i've ranted, i've done nothing...and nothing works.

I dont really know what i want someone to say to me...perhaps i just need to grow a pair and walk away. i know im only staying because its inconceievable to me to leave at the moment. if i won the lottery tomorrow it'd be last chance saloon for him and if he didnt amend his behaviour (or lack of) i'd just walk away. im young, im not that ugly, im not that fat, i'm not horrid or evil...i just want a normal sex life - my life isn't over just yet!!!!!

OP posts:

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lottieandmia · 23/04/2013 13:38

How is he with his baby? Does he have any other children? Just wondering whether it's possible he feels pushed out by the arrival of the baby (not reasonable if so of course)

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 13:39

of course it is always possible, but i doubt it. he'd only be able to while at work as that's all he really does and because he's a police officer thats difficult, but not, impossible...

OP posts:

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 13:39

he's great with babes. very affectionate, very caring and loving. i cant reasonably complain about anything with the baby.

OP posts:

lottieandmia · 23/04/2013 13:41

Well, you know him best. But it's completely understandable that you want to know what is going on. I would, too.

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 13:43

it has crossed my mind. are there really men out there who can cope with not having sex for weeks on end, no masturbation...nothing...???

OP posts:

Wannabestepfordwife · 23/04/2013 13:44

Op was your dp at the birth with you?

If he was he could be suffering from PTSD according to a study more men suffer from it then women.

Wannabestepfordwife · 23/04/2013 13:47

Another thought you say you've dyed your hair and your trying really hard to be perfect maybe he misses the old you

lottieandmia · 23/04/2013 13:53

Wannabe may be right - especially if you had a hard labour. You need to try talking to him more and see if you can get him to open up. After all this is quite early on in your relationship. He needs to understand that you feel lonely.

BitBewildered · 23/04/2013 14:00

Perhaps he has some form of erectile problem which he doesn't feel comfortable telling you about incase you interpret it as a judgment of your appearance. Could you encourage him to see his GP or something? Lack of intimacy in your relationship is probably a major contributing factor in your desperation for some physical attention, too, so that needs to be addressed.

WilsonFrickett · 23/04/2013 14:16

maybe he misses the old you

(Sorry OP, this is going to sound horrible and I don't mean it to hurt you) - he signed up for a (presumably) footloose and fancy-free 20-something and now he has a working mother and a family. I know that sounds as shallow as fuck and I hope it's not that or else the whole thing is doomed, but things have changed so, so fast in this relationship.

That said, it could be erectile disfunction.
It could be PTSD.
It could be the OP's own reaction to becoming a mother.
It could be the way he views mothers generally.

But people on the internet aren't going to be able to solve this one. I think you need couples counselling to get to the bottom of the problem. Once you understand what it is, you can decide what to do next.

williaminajetfighter · 23/04/2013 14:21

I think the age makes a difference. My DP saw his libido drop a lot after 40. Things like exercise do make a difference as does reducing weight. I've heard of many women talking about DH/DPs at that age not wanting sex so it seems to be quite common.

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 14:28

thank you for your input.

Thing is, I am almost the same. I'm constantly switched on for sex and fun. I'm always mucking about, but he's totally unreceptive!

OP posts:

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 14:30

he was there yes, at my c section x

OP posts:

LippiPongstocking · 23/04/2013 14:31

Oh my. A lack of sex in a relationship is so difficult. The hardest part of this to accept, OP, is that it might not be about you, at all.

My OH has erectile problems exacerbated by stress, and up until recently, we hadn't had sex for FIVE YEARS, but our relationship around that was good and solid (we got married a couple of months ago), and we've always been affectionate - kissing and cuddling, but that's as far as it would go. It's very hard not to take personally, but a lack of sex drive, in many cases, is usually caused by something other than the partner's looks etc.

Recovery for us has been difficult - very difficult, and we've had to see therapists and counsellors and psychologists galore (all funded by the NHS, luckily) - but it was helped by the fact that our relationship outside of sex was very strong. I wouldn't say leave someone because you weren't having sex, but leave if you think the relationship isn't worth fighting for.

Good luck.

Fillyjonk75 · 23/04/2013 14:32

It is more common than you think. All we tend to hear about is men wanting sex all the time (I wish) and women being the ones saying no. Men are supposed to be up for it all the time. When men having a low libido, for various reasons, is pretty common.

MrsHoarder · 23/04/2013 14:35

Is the baby sleeping through? If he's waking up every night that could be hitting his libido.

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 23/04/2013 14:45

It's the lack of affection that's worrying me with this post. I think my OH suffered a bit of PTSD after our first baby and we didn't have sector 6 months. But he still showed me that he cared and was affectionate. I think you have to lay it on the line (calmly). You are not prepared to be with someone with no sex/affection. If he has medical/stress issues then these need to be sorted, not ignored.
My OH is now in 50's and we still have quite a lot of sex (tmi ewwww).

Xenia · 23/04/2013 14:47

This is why if you're going to have an age gap make sure the man is younger. These big age gaps with older men never work out very well for all kinds of reasons.

If you have talked and talked what has he said?

Fillyjonk75 · 23/04/2013 14:52

It's more of a libido gap than an age gap. DH is only 4/5 years older than me.

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 14:54

He has said he's tired, that's it. He's said he does think he's affectionate.

OP posts:

WhyWhyY · 23/04/2013 14:55

Oh yes, babes has slept through since 4 months ago!

OP posts:

LippiPongstocking · 23/04/2013 15:07

You might want to suggest he sees a doctor, there might be underlying health issues behind the "tiredness". It can be an incredibly difficult thing for men to talk about though - which is why it's taken my partner five entire bloody years to get even near to "cured".

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LisaMumsnet · 23/04/2013 15:22

We are going to move this thread to 'Relationships' soon at the request of the OP.

Xenia · 23/04/2013 15:40

Does he masturbate or is he simply utterly uninterested in any kind of sex due to tiredness? If he's tired why cannot he go to bed at say 9pm for a week and then catch up on his sleep that way and after that have sex?

Skinnywhippet · 23/04/2013 19:08

I have been there...still am...but for me things have improved. For my dp it really was that he was too tired. He needed to be more relaxed, but he doesn't have a very high sex drive.

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