Mad short passionate affair and getting over it

[Rufus20]

Hi, first of all, I just want to get this off my chest, and so this may be longer than strictly necessary, and I recognise seeing the other threads on here, what a trivial problem I have. Secondly, I'm also a man, and not a parent, so this may not be the best forum for this, but I think I might get some good practical advice.

I met a woman last year and had a short relationship. It wasn't on holiday, but it was overseas with work. It was just incredibly intense, and within a short period of time, we both seemed to be head over heels in love. I was the most amazing man she'd ever met, and she said she had to pinch herself to check I was real. After we left, we said we'd give it a go and I would visit her, this time in her home country (we met in a neutral country, so to speak, where she works).

In the mean time, we skyped, and talked every day. Then she told me she had an ex. He was "depressed all the time", "there was no way it would ever work", her friends didn't like him, but I said I understood she needed to be gentle. I'd arranged to visit her, and on the way to the airport, she messaged me to tell me she still had feelings for her ex, but she still wanted me to come. I still visited her, but it was an awkward time. I was staying with her parents, I didn't speak the language. I left, and she wrote to tell me a few weeks later, she was getting back with her ex. I found out he'd flown to visit her a few weeks after I did. So, not unreasonably, I felt somewhere, she was lying to me.

I spent months thinking about her, but sure it wouldn't work out with her ex, and she messaged me a few times to tell me she wasn't happy, but then other times, she'd message me to tell me things were great.

All this was driving me a bit mad, so we went no contact. We got in touch a few times about work. I then met someone new, and although I'm taking it slowly, I have so much fun with her, she makes me feel good, I'm comfortable with her, she makes me laugh - there's no drama, which is a good thing, but perhaps the drama was part of the attraction with the ex.

My ex has now got in touch to tell me she has split with her ex. I say "sorry to hear that" (of course I'm not), and I'm seeing someone new. She then messages to tell me she has a fantastic new job (paying Xk more than before - why do I need to know this?).

I'm angry in a way that we didn't get a chance to see how things would work between us, and she's affected my self-esteem - I have to give her credit - she's smart, talented and ambitious, and as a result, is in a really good place in her career, more so than I am I'd say, although I'm also very fortunate to do what I do.

I do recognise she's no good for me (or those around her). Before her ex, she was married to her university professor for a short while. Being cynical, I could suggest it helped her immigration status at the time, and when she finished her studies and got a job, she left him (this could be unfair of me). Now she has a new job, she's left this other bloke. I suspect he is going to be distraught, and I feel sorry for him. I also don't know if he knows about me, and thought they were still together when I was with this woman.

So, this is been quite long, so thanks if you got to the end of this. In short, I don't want her back, I recognise she's no good for me, and I'm much happier with my new girlfriend, I need to get over my ex. Any advice would be gratefully received! Thanks

[EggyFucker]

it's up to you, mate

if you feel you cannot break ties with her, no-one can do it for you

the answer lies in your hands

or perhaps not, when your girlfriend realises she is not at the forefront of your mind

[Mumsyblouse]

If I was flying out to meet a guy who was supposed to be in love with me and he messaged me on the way to the airport to say he still had feelings for his ex, I would not have got on the plane. I don't do second best! She also didn't have to let the OP know this at all, given that he didn't speak the language and wouldn't have clocked any relationship. I think she was giving out ambiguous signals (talk of ex, feeling for ex, questioning the 'reality' of their love) but the OP wasn't ready to hear this. She didn't play him on the visit, declaring undying love, if anything she was true to herself that she was not in love with him. Relationships are messy, and she seems pretty normal to me in trying to work out what she wanted, being unsure and letting him know when she had got back with the ex.

OP is there a reason this has come up now? Is it just these recent messages? I would stop contact, there's no reason to continue, other than to torture yourself.

[Rufus20]

I actually did block her on FB for a good long time, but if we're friends, her privacy settings are pretty good, so there's no scope for facestalking, so I unblocked her about a week ago (just before she told me she was single again)

[LessMissAbs]

You're completely hung up on her OP. Either that, or stuck in a pattern of overthinking about things.

[Rufus20]

Mumsy, she did declare undying love for me, that was the problem! She wrote me a love letter about a week before I left to visit her saying exactly that (I subsequently binned it)

For a time, she was unambiguous about her feelings for me (I wouldn't have gone if I wasn't the most amazing man she'd ever met, and was so perfect for her (I'm quoting her))

Although it's been at the back of my mind, it's come up because of the recent contact, about her break-up and her new job.

In all honesty, a lot of this is cathartic, getting this off to my chest to anonymous (yet wise MNers) is probably helpful

[Rufus20]

LessMissAbs, it's probably more the latter, but I do think today isn't a fair reflection - it's a cold easter monday, I haven't had a lot to do, my new girlfriend is away, my ex messaged me last night to tell me her new salary package, etc.

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

Rufus if you block her (when friends) it severs the friendship connection, so you'd have to re-friend her on removing the block. Did you mean you limited who you shared with?

I'm splitting hairs now but blocking is a good thing to do, so she cannot see anything you post on mutual friends statuses etc. Even if you have un-friended her.

[LessMissAbs]

Possibly a day to go out and climb a hill then OP, and give yourself something more productive to do than dwelling on it ;-)

[Rufus20]

Agree entirely LessMissAbs

DontStep, I unfriended her, then blocked her, and then unblocked her, so I can see her public profile (which says nothing), but we're not friends. I don't post much on FB, and haven't posted anything about my new GF

[EggyFucker]

Play text-tennis with your girlfriend instead

[Rufus20]

she's on a campsite in cornwall, with not a lot of reception!

[GettingGoing]

I don?t think her feelings can have been as strong as you thought ( despite the declarations of undying love) and maybe not even as strong as she thought. Or maybe she just felt sorry for her partner, but that is not the picture you have painted of her. You can?t text someone on their way to the airport if you love them like she claimed to!

The only possible closure you could get is to re-start the relationship, knowing that her feelings for you first time round were not sufficient to resist her love/pity for a depressed man who she then dumped anyway. It does beg the question why she was with a depressed man to begin with ? it doesn?t fit with what you have said about her. I hate to psychobabble again, but these things tend to have a reason and I suspect she doesn?t feel quite as positive about herself as she should either (hence the bragging about salary too). Maybe that was what you recognised about each other?

What stops you giving it another go, but go in with eyes wide open this time? I question your feelings for your current girl-friend and wonder how you can make a go of it if you are so hung up on this woman. I think we know what the outcome would be if you did give it another go, but it sounds as though you want to find out for sure.

[elastamum]

Having read your thread, I feel most sorry for your new girlfriend - I suspect she might not want to hang around for long if she knew how hung up on your ex you are.

FGS get a grip - unless you want a life of misery, It is OVER

[LessMissAbs]

That's my conclusion GettingGoing - that he should consider giving it another go. I also think the ex doesn't sound nearly so self-confident as he seems to think. I wonder if she was very insecure because of the OP living on another continent.

The OP has told us so much detail about his ex and what happened, compared to his current girlfriend. I think sometimes people think relationships should proceed in a certain way, in a certain order, and that if anything goes wrong and its not perfect, they must walk out and find another one.

I think the OP also has to address the major issue of her being on the other side of the Atlantic.

I wonder if the mention of her new salary is a cultural difference, or perhaps even a veiled hint that the OP could live with her until he found a job where she is.

Who wants their epithet to read "I was too scared"?

[Rufus20]

GettingGoing, I think in your second paragraph -you've really spotted something with your psychobabble that I agree with! I don't deny I lack self-confidence, and I think the same is true of her - she has to continually prove herself - she's from a very humble background in Eastern Europe - her dad's a coalminer, in the US she's always an outsider. I'm from a working class background - first in the family to go to university, 1st, PhD, etc, and we've both striven to prove ourselves academically, and we did see that in each other.

I've met a lot of academics, and so many of them do good work, but seem more self-assured. I did see this in both of us.

I've not mentioned what her ex did, but he was largely an unemployed hippy, who got depressed a lot (if what she told me was true). In a way, she was quite possibly as threatened by me as I am by her. She once said I was so smart it scared her!

What stops me even trying to think about giving it a go, is that although I clearly have feelings for her, I think she'd bad for me, my friends think she's bad for me.

[Rufus20]

This is where I get into difficulties elastamum suggests one thing, LessMissAbs the complete opposite.

But, I made it clear before I still had feelings for her, and she showed no sign that she had feelings for me, and that's why I've gone on to date someone else.

[GettingGoing]

Then tell her once more that you have feelings for her ... and that this is the last time you are telling her. Be honest with her.

You've put an awful lot of personal information in this thread ... let's hope nice girlfriend on campsite in Cornwall, hippy boyfriend, and daughter of coalminer from Eastern Europe don't come across this somehow!

[Mumsyblouse]

Your friends probably see the emotional roller-coaster you seem to be on when with her and think 'oh no, not again' but your friends don't have to live your life. You have two ways to go with this- either cut off contact and move on, or go back and see. Carrying on some type of contact will undermine your current relationship.

I still don't get a sense of her as a rounded person from you. I don't think you knew her or what made her tick very well at all, and may have fallen for the superficial successful woman which is a side of her but not the whole. One way to get her off the pedestal would be to go back and find out, otherwise I have a horrible feeling that you will carry on idealising her as you have really done to date (even though her 'real' behaviour at times wasn't really kind and you didn't work that well when together in her own country). I have a friend who did this, went out to another continent after some guy who she was half in love with, it fizzled/wasn't the same, but it cured her wondering.

[EggyFucker]

Alternatively, if you are wondering what it feels like to bang your head on a brick wall....

[GettingGoing]

'This is where I get into difficulties elastamum suggests one thing, LessMissAbs the complete opposite ' and what is this about? We can't decide for you! You need to make up your mind and stick with it. It doesn't matter what your friends think - do you think she is bad for you?

[EggyFucker]

Stick my hand in a flame ? Well, somebody on t'internet said I should...

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

What do your friends think?

[GettingGoing]

Now you're being mean Eggy [bugrin]

[EggyFucker]

Nah, am just pointing out that Op is being a bit silly

[Rufus20]

GettingGoing, I think it's a slim chance! If you've worked it out yet, PM me.

I'm actually going back to the US this summer by chance - well, not entirely by chance. My ex put me in contact with another researcher working on an area close to my field, and I have funding to go out to spend a few weeks writing a paper, it's an opportunity.

I see where some of you are coming from with the hope for reconciliation, after she realised she made a mistake and picked the wrong bloke.

If you're looking for a fuller picture, the first day of the conference, we went for a walk, that was meant to be around the block, and lasted three hours, and we discussed everything from chinese politics to tea, to the state of the american housing market, and we were inseparable for two weeks, and then we discovered we shared so many other things that we had in common, to our taste in art, to our taste in literature. we had a wonderful time, and then I think she messed it up, by not being able to end it with her ex.