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Relationships

Mad short passionate affair and getting over it

162 replies

Rufus20 · 01/04/2013 13:16

Hi, first of all, I just want to get this off my chest, and so this may be longer than strictly necessary, and I recognise seeing the other threads on here, what a trivial problem I have. Secondly, I'm also a man, and not a parent, so this may not be the best forum for this, but I think I might get some good practical advice.

I met a woman last year and had a short relationship. It wasn't on holiday, but it was overseas with work. It was just incredibly intense, and within a short period of time, we both seemed to be head over heels in love. I was the most amazing man she'd ever met, and she said she had to pinch herself to check I was real. After we left, we said we'd give it a go and I would visit her, this time in her home country (we met in a neutral country, so to speak, where she works).

In the mean time, we skyped, and talked every day. Then she told me she had an ex. He was "depressed all the time", "there was no way it would ever work", her friends didn't like him, but I said I understood she needed to be gentle. I'd arranged to visit her, and on the way to the airport, she messaged me to tell me she still had feelings for her ex, but she still wanted me to come. I still visited her, but it was an awkward time. I was staying with her parents, I didn't speak the language. I left, and she wrote to tell me a few weeks later, she was getting back with her ex. I found out he'd flown to visit her a few weeks after I did. So, not unreasonably, I felt somewhere, she was lying to me.

I spent months thinking about her, but sure it wouldn't work out with her ex, and she messaged me a few times to tell me she wasn't happy, but then other times, she'd message me to tell me things were great.

All this was driving me a bit mad, so we went no contact. We got in touch a few times about work. I then met someone new, and although I'm taking it slowly, I have so much fun with her, she makes me feel good, I'm comfortable with her, she makes me laugh - there's no drama, which is a good thing, but perhaps the drama was part of the attraction with the ex.

My ex has now got in touch to tell me she has split with her ex. I say "sorry to hear that" (of course I'm not), and I'm seeing someone new. She then messages to tell me she has a fantastic new job (paying Xk more than before - why do I need to know this?).

I'm angry in a way that we didn't get a chance to see how things would work between us, and she's affected my self-esteem - I have to give her credit - she's smart, talented and ambitious, and as a result, is in a really good place in her career, more so than I am I'd say, although I'm also very fortunate to do what I do.

I do recognise she's no good for me (or those around her). Before her ex, she was married to her university professor for a short while. Being cynical, I could suggest it helped her immigration status at the time, and when she finished her studies and got a job, she left him (this could be unfair of me). Now she has a new job, she's left this other bloke. I suspect he is going to be distraught, and I feel sorry for him. I also don't know if he knows about me, and thought they were still together when I was with this woman.

So, this is been quite long, so thanks if you got to the end of this. In short, I don't want her back, I recognise she's no good for me, and I'm much happier with my new girlfriend, I need to get over my ex. Any advice would be gratefully received! Thanks

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Mumsyblouse · 01/04/2013 19:10

Can I also share the knowledge which took me about five years into marriage to realise that being with someone like that can be very exciting and intense, but long-term it is exhausting. It is very easy for sparks to become permanent conflict, or simply for your schedules and priorities to become incompatible. Two very driven people together isn't always the best combination (or at least not if they are both at the same stage and need the other to make big sacrifices).

I hope it has helped getting some of this out on here, hopefully you can see it for the idealised fling that it was and not a long-term great prospect. Having someone who is perhaps less of a whirlwind (if you want to be one too) and you can laugh with is really valuable.

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GettingGoing · 01/04/2013 19:11

I feel for you. You've been used and it hurts. I think you need to look a little more deeply at your own self esteem and why it is that you even consider her feelings/accept being second best/are letting her jeapordise your new relationship. You're an intelligent man but there is some illogical emotional stuff going on there.

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Rufus20 · 01/04/2013 19:19

I tend to agree that it was almost certainly a bad match - If we had wanted to be together, it would mean me moving to somewhere new, perhaps somewhere with few job prospects for me, or vice versa for her. The dynamic did seem to become grating as well.

I also think my main problem is self-esteem - without being overly arrogant, I've got a lot going for me, I'm well qualified, in an applied field that means there are opportunities around in the world in either universities, or industry. But right now (I have a contract with time running out), my career is less secure - whereas she has a faculty position, and her rejection of me hurted me.

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GettingGoing · 01/04/2013 19:42

Sorry to be brutal, but I'm not talking about your career - I'm talking about how you feel about yourself generally behind the facade of your successful career.

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Rufus20 · 01/04/2013 19:44

Fair point, I do certainly suffer from self-esteem issues beyond my career, and perhaps use my career and academic qualifications to counter that

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GettingGoing · 01/04/2013 20:09

Sorry to hear that OP. There is your answer then - she is making you feel rubbish which, for whatever reason, is a comfortable place for you. I think that is why you have allowed her to get under your skin. At some level she probably recognises this in you or she wouldn't mess you around like this.

I think you have to use your intellect on this one and cut contact.

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Rufus20 · 01/04/2013 20:25

Today has certainly been a mopey day - not good! I find I'm fine, don't think about her too much, and then when she gets in contact like this (in a boasty way) it brings me down a little.

Thanks, I know what I need to do, but I like the idea of being ok with everything

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LessMissAbs · 01/04/2013 21:43

I'm glad mumsnetters are open-minded enough to agree I've provided some perspective! I would add a note of caution though - most of you are telling the OP what he wants to hear, but mumsnet is mainly comprised of mums, with a higher than average proportion of SAHMs, who are going to have a whole different perspective on this situation than women in a career. To read this thread, you would think women with a career was a terribly unusual thing, and such women had to be treated like unexploded bombs, that might go off at any second!

Whereas in reality for most of us, it is simply a way of earning money. I actually work in academic now myself, but I am temporary, don't do (much) research and done my stint in my profession. I do however know many female academics and while a couple are a bit precious, I would say the number of precious drama queen ones are no more than the national average and that there are plenty of women out there who don't work in academia who are like that too! Most of them however are perfectly normal women, often struggling to balance work and family life, and academia is actually quite good for that once you are established, because its a lot more flexible than industry or private practice.

Certainly most of the married female academics I know are married to normal men, not elderly professors, but engineers, doctors, public sector workers, and so on, usually their rough equals. You do realise that in the very near future, most doctors and lawyers will be female, because the vast majority of students in this subjects are now female?

OP, you sound a huge bundle of insecurity and lack of self confidence, and I echo that you would benefit from counselling because I suspect you are in danger of developing very controlling tendencies. You have totally over-thought this whole very short relationship, and you have got yourself into such a negative pattern of thinking, you have ruined it, and my guess would be that that is what has affected your ex's behaviour - she was not sure of the strength of your feelings for her. Anyone else would be prioritising the fact that you are on different sides of the Atlantic as the main problem, rather than the fact that the woman earns an honest penny! And you are obsessed with her exes and what they do. Yes, you have a career. Good for you. Just like most people. Get over yourself!

You also don't attach enough importance to the fact that you stayed in her parent's house on your visit over. You could surely have moved into self catering accommodation for the second half or something?

What will you do if your new girlfriend starts to do well in her career? Support her, or hold her back? Did you have a strong female role model in your own life? What if she takes up a new sport and starts to do well in it? You do realise that having hobbies is pretty healthy for your state of mind and general well being, not something negative? What will you do if you have female children? Will you encourage them to go out into the world, bold and confident, or to sit back and think of fitting in?

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Rufus20 · 01/04/2013 21:51

LessMiss, with all respect, I agree entirely with a lot of what you say - for example that I do need to work on self-confidence, etc. But I think you've got the wrong end of the stick with some things.

I was really attracted to her energy, her achievements. I saw them as a positive thing entirely. My problems came when she dumped me, and then I felt my self-esteem affected! I don't (generally) have problems with successful women. Most of my exes have been successful, clever women, and I never felt threatened or belittled by them. In fact, my current girlfriend is a clever woman, (we met at work at University, although in a different department)

Also, I think you may have it the wrong way around with who was demonstrating their commitment. I told her 100% I wanted to give this a go, and it was me who visited her. It was her who expressed doubts. It was her who went back to her ex.

The point about the accommodation is a fair point, but that is water under the bridge.

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Rufus20 · 01/04/2013 21:53

In hindsight, it was a mistake to stay at her parents, but she doesn't live in a touristy area of Eastern Europe, and she invited me, knowing the situation, and how easy it would be to fit in. I agree it was a mistake though

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Mumsyblouse · 01/04/2013 22:06

LessmissAbs I agree with you to a point, the OP does seem threatened by this very successful woman, however I am not sure how typical she is in terms of being able to move about and be pretty successful so early on (and how much is his idealised view of her).

I also wonder like you though, about deeper issues for the OP to do with women being successful, I certainly have found that many men in academia either look for women who are not quite as successful as themselves or working in a different area, to the point that the affair with the PhD student is somewhat a cliche (although I do know of one female senior lecturer who did have an affair with her male PhD student but she is very much the exception). I do know the odd pair of academics who are equally matched and who have a family, but they are very much in the minority, as mostly someone's career has taken a back seat at some time point and that has often been the woman. We took it in turns to knacker our careers for a few years so that was pretty equal:)

As much as this woman may not be for the OP (and I don't see what she did wrong really, it was a love affair, it ended), the Op may not be the right person for this woman. I suspect she knows this which is why although she is keeping in touch, she is not pursuing the relationship.

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LessMissAbs · 01/04/2013 22:07

What I am wondering is, if you come across this negative to me, a stranger on the internet, months afterwards, what must you have come across like to your ex? I don't see how she has used you, but I do wonder whether you gave her enough reassurance that you were serious about her. Bearing in mind you were on different sides of the Atlantic. I think it was you who lost her, rather than she who left you.

That's just my impression. But you sound way too hung up on her and way too overthinking. This is something that might affect your other relationships too, so its maybe something you have to be aware of.

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Mumsyblouse · 01/04/2013 22:12

Perhaps threatened is the wrong word- intimidated? I just think it's an idealized view of her, I don't get a sense of her as a whole person, just as a list of achievements which, when you (OP) were associated with them made you very proud, but once she moved on, you felt lost/low self-esteem as a result. I don't get a sense of her as a real life breathing person in all this.

I am going down this route as I have felt like this at times with some men, if you are even slightly successful sometimes you meet people who are impressed by your success but don't see you as a whole person- but equally there is sometimes a little hostility underlying that (e.g. about how she achieved these positions through relationships which i very much doubt).

If this doesn't fit, dismiss it, but the worst thing about being put on a pedestal is when you fall off. I think this lady has fallen off and you are wondering whether to put her back on- the answer being NO, definitely move on and spend time with this new lady (or someone else) who really is into you.

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Rufus20 · 01/04/2013 22:13

I am definitely way too hung up on her, there's no denying that. And I am threatened by her, but I think that was related to the circumstances. I didn't feel threatened by her when we were together.

My perspective is that we had a fling, we declared our love for each other, I committed to giving a go, and flying to visit her. In return, told me she had feelings for her ex, and subsequently got back with him (and stayed with him for six months until it broke up just now). I told her, when she told me she was unhappy, in no uncertain terms, I still had feelings for her, and would have tried again even after she went back to her ex.

However, by telling me things were over with her ex, and that she went back to him suggested she wasn't telling me the whole truth.

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DontstepontheMomeRaths · 01/04/2013 22:15

I'm not a sahm I work in finance Abs.

I wasn't trying to tell him what he wanted to hear, just my view on it

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EggyFucker · 01/04/2013 22:16

I wonder how your current partner would feel about you still in contact with this head-fucker, and still whining about it on here with strangers ?

Detach from your ex...there is no reason in the world to be having these kinds of conversations with her when you are in another relationship

If you can't do that, do the right thing and let your current girlfriend down gently and let her find someone else who isn't moping about an OW

I would say the same thing to a female OP, btw

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Rufus20 · 01/04/2013 22:18

She expressed a worry early on when we were skyping that perhaps it wasn't real, and that maybe we were infatutated with each other. I said I didn't believe that to be the case, but the plan was to visit each other before she went back to the US, and I felt she sabotaged it, by telling me she had feelings for her ex. It changed the dynamic completely.

I agree, intimidated is a better word, but that only happened afterwards. When she was with her ex, she'd tell me she was off to a conference in DC, or a meeting in San Francisco, and I saw the rain outside the window in the UK, and could feel a little intimidated.

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Rufus20 · 01/04/2013 22:21

Fair enough Eggy, this thread is not entirely a fair representation of everything. Today I have been a lot more mopey than usual because of the job offer nugget, and because this thread is about my ex, rather than my new girlfriend, who genuinely, every second I'm with, I feel so happy with her. She makes me laugh so much, is beautiful and fun (she's away with her family for easter, so I'm a little mopier than I normally would be!)

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GettingGoing · 01/04/2013 22:22

'As much as this woman may not be for the OP (and I don't see what she did wrong really, it was a love affair, it ended' - what she did wrong, was to text him on his way to the airport! That is game playing at its best.

Where does the OP even begin to imply that he has a problem with successful women? He sounds respectful of her success and slightly in awe of her adventurous nature. Where is the problem in that? Are you sure you are not projecting a bit LessMissAbs?

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EggyFucker · 01/04/2013 22:23

I suggest you Get. A.Grip, tbqh

Does your gf know you are having these kinds of exchanges with your ex ?

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Rufus20 · 01/04/2013 22:26

Eggy, no she doesn't. we've been dating each other for a month, so it's early days, and I want to resolve this before we get properly serious, as I recognise how much better she might be for me in the long term

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Rufus20 · 01/04/2013 22:26

I need to find the grip shop!

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EggyFucker · 01/04/2013 22:29

Cut contact with your ex

Are you going to do that ? Or are you going to indulge in more emotional handwringing with her ?

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Rufus20 · 01/04/2013 22:32

I have no plans to contact her - I have every expectation that she will write to me again (as she has done throughout this). If I had more self-esteem, I would be very happy to say "well done", and leave it at that. I don't plan to write to her, we've unfriended on the insidious FB. I

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DontstepontheMomeRaths · 01/04/2013 22:35

I'd block her for good measure on fb as well.

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