At what point do you just accept you are single and thats the way its going to stay?

[Singlesupplement]

Ive been on my own for 5 years now, post divorce. This will be my sixth summer on my own.

Im fine, i have a full life, noone would ever guess i long for a relationship, but i do.

For Whatever reason, its just not happening for me.

This comes off the back of a terrible weekend where i was stood up on a 4th date.

I do online dating, i go out and about with friends. But in this whole time ive not had one relationship, not even a short term fling.

I do not understand what the issue is, i keep trying but not getting anywhere.

At what point do i just give up, accept that thats it for me?

Im 35.

[Spero]

What disturbs me is the level of hatred out there for single women, especially as we get over 40. I have been reading the plankton blog and I foolishly googled some of the stuff being said about it on the private man site - do NOT go there if you are feeling fragile about being single and over 30.

I do think there is a general view in society that single women are sad lonely cat lovers and single men are happy go lucky players - I think this contributes to a lot of the misery of dating into your 30s and beyond.

[DoingItForMyself]

I think its inevitable that men will want to play the field after the break-up of a LTR so I wouldn't immediately write off any man who replies to a sex-only profile. Plenty of women on here looking for FWB or would happily have sex with someone they met and then decide he's not for them, I don't think that makes anyone a player or somehow morally corrupt.

FWIW my DP was looking to spend a year or so playing the field when he met me, it took him by surprise and he was a bit disappointed I think, that he had met someone special so soon and had to change his plans!

What I'm saying I suppose is that any of these men, if they fall for someone special, will stop messing around and settle down. Men are just as capable of love and commitment as women.

Most men in their late 30s/40s will have children or will want them, so ruling out a woman because she's a mum is unlikely (especially as that makes seeing each other more difficult i.e. he won't be pressured into seeing you every night) Personally I wouldn't have wanted to meet someone without children because until you have them I don't think you can ever appreciate how much they change your life, so that would be a huge incompatibility for me.

[DoingItForMyself]

...and I meant to add that whatever their requirements may be on their profile (or whatever dodgy blog they are commenting on) it may not accurately reflect what they actually want or need. I am a long way from my DP's original vision of the person he was looking for, but he now says that he didn't realise how important humour and intelligence were in a woman until he met me. He'd thought he wanted no complications (but I have kids/am still technically married), he'd imagined someone younger (I am older) and probably "hot as fuck" (I am to him, but in fairness probably not what he'd envisaged!)

[Spero]

This is good from the plankton and pretty much bang on point

planktonlife.wordpress.com/2011/12/29/whyfore-plankton-whyfore-wives/

[Singlesupplement]

doing it, no, its not unlikely. Ive had several men say the reason they wont date me seriously is because i already have a child.
That im great but that they just dont want that, it happens.

The ones playing the field, good for them. Whats no on is when they say thats not what they want, they want to date you. sleep with you, then run off and you never hear from them again.

[VelvetSpoon]

I know several men with kids of their own who won't date women with children for various reasons. Likewise men without children. Its not uncommon.

Can I also say how much I hate the well meaning advice to join clubs etc? Fine if you have time to do so, or are interested in hill walking or cycling or whatever, but I for one have no interest in all that stuff.

[Singlesupplement]

I hate the join clubs advice too.
Bearing in mind if we are single, we are lone parents, therefore with, normally, a lower income and thus maybe not able to afford a regular babysitter.

I have no interest in rambling either. Ive joined a local social group, it was just full of women looking for men. Lots of clubs in my area are also only attended by pensioners, which isnt going to be great either, and not something that im going to beg for babysitters for.

[Spero]

Then don't join a club! People are trying to be helpful. If you want a relationship you have to actually meet a real person. As we aren't at college anymore, it is a lot harder to meet nice, single people. So I struggle to see what else you can do but internet date, join clubs/classes or ask your friends for help.

If you have 'no interest in all that stuff' what do you like? What does interest you? Follow that interest. If you meet someone, great, if you don't at least you are doing something you like.

[MinkyWinky]

I sympathise OP. Internet dating, accepting invitations in case you might meet someone, joining clubs etc etc, can feel like a real slog especially when you wake up on the weekend just want a hug. And the well meaning advice just gets repetitive.

But I wanted to say it can work out after 35 . I met my OP (via internet dating - I was about to give up!) when I was 41. Two years later, we're engaged and I'm pregnant.

[Singlesupplement]

i DO meet people all the time.

I expect lots of us meet people all the time.

Its not meeting people that is the issue here.
I do things that interest me, again, as im sure others do too, and so enjoy them.

Its the ' join a club' advice, like its going to magically solve the problem. its not. it wont.

Its frustration at that.

[Singlesupplement]

minky, thats lovely to hear :) congrats :)

[EternalRose]

My friend (who has two kids) says that most mens profiles on online dating will say that their ideal partner 'will not have kids' or something to that effect. Sigh. I mean, dont get me wrong I can see why someone would be wary. I am also very wary of men who has lots of children for multiple women. Just smacks of irresponsibility if I am honest. When a man without children considers a mother with a child/children, they don't know if your ex husband/ ex bf is going to make things difficult, or give them aggro everytime they see them about with you and the kids etc. Most men will NOT want to physically see who went there before him, call it male territory! Organising childcare factors into everything unless your children are teenagers, so spontaneity may be pretty much non existent depending on how many kids you have. Spontaneity is the spice of life! And then there is the finances, most men will want to know if the ex is paying maintenance, if not, why not? That coupled with a woman who may be on benefits and has no intention of ever working, can make a man suddenly make a seemingly good deal feel complicated, and under pressure to provide!

Although, I appreciate that a lot of women do have their 'stuff' together, and thus, it is a matter of not settling and waiting for the right person.

Women need independence first and foremost. That's why I am pursuing my own career, and will have my own money. I will never want a man to feel like he has to 'keep' me ever.

[EternalRose]

Ahhh last post full of typos! Wish MN had an edit button..

[VelvetSpoon]

My interests are shopping, clothes, going to the pub, reality tv...I'm as deep as a puddle. I have no interests that lend themseves to clubs or groups and I can't pretend otherwise. To be fair though nor do most people I know, the only difference is they are married/ in LTRs.

[Helltotheno]

What does interest you? Follow that interest.

Exactly. If you're doing stuff that motivates you, fascinates you, that you love spending your time on, at least that would serve to keep you from thinking about finding a man, which in turn, would project less of the 'finding a man' obsession outwards and help you come across as a more multidimensional person. If it's not clubs, fine, but it must be something!

In answer to the question in your OP, yes, maybe just accept that you are single, throw your full undivided energies into something else and just see where life brings you.

[FantasticDay]

Sounds like you have a full life, and it's absolutely not compulsory to be in a couple. Having said that, if you are careful, then online dating is a great way to meet new people. Met my dh there when I was 36 (after several years single). He'd had loads of dates and had more or less given up when I contacted him.

[LadyWidmerpool]

Lots of people meet someone at work. New job??

[EternalRose]

Velvet You are clearly no fool considering you are a lawyer. I was just reading something on the plankton blog about men wanting women with independence etc. Well you are proof that it doesn't always work out that way, and some men just prefer 'needy' women because it makes them feel secure. I have no desire to be that woman though..

[Spero]

There is a lot of frustration that there is no 'magic' solution ... But there isn't. Life isn't fair. We don't always get what we want. Bit we can still keep on trying if it is important.

I have given up because I have so many strikes against me I know it would be a long, hard slog to find anyone who wasn't younger than 55. I don't have the mental toughness to go through that and I don't really care now anyway.

But if I was still keen on sex and companionship, I would go for it. If my interests were only shopping and reality TV and pubs I think I would try to broaden my interests a bit.

[Spero]

I mean WAS younger than 55. Dammit.

[VelvetSpoon]

I think frustration is natural though? I'm a high achiever, I have got everything I ever set my mind to, I expect to be successful - not winning at this, or seeing people who are my inferior doing better than me, is irritating.

Should I really have to invent interests?! And really all that stuff seems to be sports/outdoor based - I am crap at sports, and hate the outdoors, can't think of anything worse than getting muddy. That appears to leave me rather nowhere!

[LemonPeculiarJones]

OP I understand your frustration. I've had those furious/heart-broken/just seriously getting fucked off now, ok?! years. You are totally allowed to rant and feel the frustration of all the disappointment and crap that goes with dating. And MN is the perfect place for that

But I am glad that you say you'll continue. Have a break maybe though? To recharge.

And the one thing you haven't spoken about much is musings in terms of how you might be coming across to others (other than mentioning that you're sure your anger doesn't translate on the dates). We all benefit from really questioning our own behaviour with an open mind. I'm sure you're a gorgeous woman and you come across as spirited, sparky and sharp as a knife on this thread. Someone understandably fucked off with a procession of inadequates. But maybe there are some issues that are skewing who you are attracted to/your decisions/how you come across?

I'm not saying its your 'fault' btw in any way or that the idiot men haven't been idiots. Just that, if you've done the same thing for five years (dated, been proactive, engaged with life, involved socially) you may as well look at every factor closely, including yourself.

I did and it helped. By the time I eventually met DH I was in a much better place, just within myself. I realised that I had sole responsibility for my emotions and wasn't going to disempower myself in my previously slightly wild, booze-fuelled, abandoned search for love.

Not saying my experience reflects yours. Just a thought.

[Helltotheno]

VelvetSpoon nobody is your inferior because they aren't a high achiever...that's an exceptionally dodgy comment. perhaps you come across too superior?

great post lemon..

[Singlesupplement]

I dont think its fair to call it an ' obession'

Its not. Far from it. However, i am in my sexual prime. Its our human imprint to mate. I cant help what my body and sub conscience is screaming out at me.

Inventing interests... load of rubbish. Ive a list a mile long and its not got me anywhere. Else i get advice that its intimidating. Just be yourself, that is good enough :)

I have looked at my actions, how i am, what i look for and want. How i might behave. Its all good :) the only thing is i could play more hard to get as ive not done that. But then again thats not really me. Im an open, straight talking person, so playing games isnt my style. Jury is out on that.

[datingnamechange]

Hello Again

Totally get 'venting' - online forums are great for dumping that which you can't do so much in real life - I do it quite a bit about issues with my cunty cuntofferson ex husband ; )

I think that the essense of the things is that it is all a bit of a crap shoot. You can put yourself out there till the end of time and meet fuckwits/not the ones or you can be waiting in the rain outside the supermarket and bump into THE one. There isn't rhyme or reason to it sadly. But the hope that there is has made a lot of matchmaking/dating site owners very rich as we'd all like to solve the problem.

I guess the key is (and I'm not being patronising as I am stone cold single) is that you can be damn sure you won't meet anyone sitting in your house. So despite not having yet met anyone it sounds like you are doing the best thing in getting out and about. I am with you on the zumba/salsa/french lessons thing (unless you actually want to learn these things) but I HAVE met interesting people (not the one self evidently although hot gazillionaire met at one such thing) at the type of things I DO like - writing seminars and sort of ideas type things - I live in a major City so the TED talks organisation happens every year, as does a film festival etc - as I say I would have gone if I was still married and have met a couple of friends (male and female as a result).

The thing is until I met my ex-husband (and yes we all know how that went but at the time madly in love) at the age of 34 I was 100% sure I would never meet anyone. I went to a corporate sports thing and wham bam whirlwind, a year later engaged, a year later married, a year later a baby and emigration (and yes sadly a few years later he buggers off with OW at work when I was in middle of IVF and turned out to be a 'baddun') BUT I had no idea I would meet him that day and until then would have sworn that I would be childless and be eaten by my alsation.

So. On a good day I think this will happen again. And you know what I think that if you are single with children in mid-late 30's then in a way the pressure is off...ie if you can let things unfold. I think that whilst most people have an 'ideal' (as do I let me say) when you do fall for someone all that goes out the window. Back to hot gazillionaire. He had 3 children from 9-22. Adamant that he did not want anymore, adamant that he wanted a certain type of life. The woman he is now with is childless and late 30's and I think they will have children and he will have a different lifestyle that that he believed he wanted. Why? Because he fell in love....so yes, having kids does narrow the field but it also opens it up to divorcees (and ex partners) who have children and don't wish to have any but are looking for people with the same values/on the same path.

Here's hoping anyway.....Not being too Pollyannish. The reality is that single women at a certain age have less 'currency' than a single man with the same age/children etc. That does indeed suck. But there are nice men out there too. At least I hope so...