At what point do you just accept you are single and thats the way its going to stay?

[Singlesupplement]

Ive been on my own for 5 years now, post divorce. This will be my sixth summer on my own.

Im fine, i have a full life, noone would ever guess i long for a relationship, but i do.

For Whatever reason, its just not happening for me.

This comes off the back of a terrible weekend where i was stood up on a 4th date.

I do online dating, i go out and about with friends. But in this whole time ive not had one relationship, not even a short term fling.

I do not understand what the issue is, i keep trying but not getting anywhere.

At what point do i just give up, accept that thats it for me?

Im 35.

[VelvetSpoon]

This may make me sound pathetic, but I wouldn't mind someone a bit dull and boring, I'd take that if it also got me regular sex and (for want of a better word) companionship.

My ExP wasn't too bright and bored me shitless, but I'd have stayed with him if he wasn't also a verbally and physically abusive arsehole.

[Spero]

I would far rather be on my own than be with someone I found boring. For companionship I have my dog. What kind of 'companionship' can you have with someone who is dull and boring?

[Spero]

This is worth a read.

www.thegloss.com/2013/03/14/sex-and-dating/being-alive-company/

[Singlesupplement]

No. Because i want a relationship

That guy was happy on his own and people were trying to convince him otherwise.

Noone is trying to convince me of anything ive just been on my own for ages and want to be with someone.

Thats just as valid as not wanting to

[Spero]

I think he was saying a little more than that - he wanted a relationship, but a good one. He didn't want to accept any old relationship just to avoid being alone. He doesn't accept that the only valid or worthwhile life was as one half of a couple.

If you want a relationship, go for it. Don't give up. I would say you have a least ten years before the internet dating statistics get really bleak. But maybe you need a break for a few months to recharge your batteries. If you are going on dates thinking like Charlotte in Sex and the City - where IS he? Where IS he? - you might not be giving off the best vibes.

[Singlesupplement]

Out of curosity i just set up a ' for sex only' profile on the site im on. No picture .Bare bones of info.

Ive been contacted by so many men who have down ' long term' and wanting a relationship.men ive chatted to and who have asked me out.

Its a joke . No wonder online dating is difficult.

[LeslieWink1e]

Would you recommend having two profiles then? i might set up one bimbo one, and one real one, and knowing who'd applied to both could be a weeding out process!

[LeslieWink1e]

oh I see. Yes. That is what happened. How disappointing. I don't want to be disappointed. I want to have Faith!!

[LeslieWink1e]

Velvetspoon, I dated a man for a while who bordered on boring. That'd be a little unfair as he was wise and pretty astute generally but not as talkative as I would have liked. I liked the sex, for a while. And then, it just felt not as exciting as it had to begin with.

It is hard to find somebody who is good company.

[porridgewithblueberries]

Spero, I really think you're being quite unfair. We have all tried to do something about it, and we haven't, for whatever reason, been successful.

This is, I find, the problem with being single in a modern setting. People will sympathise with an inconsiderate husband or a workaholic boyfriend but if you dare to mention being single has its downfalls, there is always someone who wants to give you a hard time about it and tell you that no matter what you say to the contrary it is YOUR fault, and you need to keep trying and blah blah.

Being single is preferable to being in a bad relationship. It does not mean it isn't very, very lonely. particularly weekends, where friends are with their husbands and families, or holidays, when everyone is abroad, or weddings where everyone else cozies up together. I am sure some people reading this will say we/I have an ideal of marriage which is probably a fair point but I don't know why they can't accept by the same token they probably have an ideal of being single as well.

In other words, I don't go on bad relationship threads and have a go at the OP telling them they are negative and lucky to be married or whatever so why do it here?

[Singlesupplement]

Porridge. Agree with what you have just said.

I never understand why people say thingslike that. Ive been married. I dont have an idealised view. And without a doubt i would rather be single than in a rubbish relationship. However. I am lonely. I want some male compaionship ( not from pets or children) i want love andsex.

Theres nothing wrong with wanting these things.

[datingnamechange]

Hello

I've been more or less single for last 2.5 years (with a now 5 year old - no more children for me either sob! as I'm 42).

I think the problem with being single at more or less this age (although OP you are a Spring Chicken) is the following

1. Men are much more likely to leave partner for an OW = not that many single men that have been in relationships
   
2. If men leave a long term relationship with no OW or have been dumped = shag around like its 1999 with people born in 1989
   
3. Normal single men likely to want to date people with no kids/have more kids
   
4. Abnormal single men. Well. We have all had the hideous date
   

So. Slim pickings. But there ARE some and I think maybe come a bit later in mid-40's when the divorced ones with kids stop shagging 21 year olds and look for a relationship. Plus of course the magical 'good guys'.

I am currently single and have met up with 7 men during that time (70 - 30% internet to real life split). I have also been contacted my a gazillion illiterate 60+ year olds looking for a partner in crime and wanting that spacial lady in a red dress to be proud of on the dance floor if they can be dragged away from their Dan Brown .

However:

2 = nice no spark so nothing after coffee (good for someone maybe?) 1 = internet dating shagger arounder window shopper (fortunately weeded out before I had sex with him)

1 = RL met ended up seeing him for about 2 months when at low ebb and whilst he wasn't awful proof positive ladies that you do not WANT to be with someone for sake of it. Sex wasn't depressing in itself but it was depressing having sex with someone I was essentially sleeping with because he was there

1 = OK (but ishoos with his ex wife who was am minor TV person in the country in which I live and his divorce was over newspapers - and they were in war or the roses so backed off + he was a bit not quite odd but borderline_

BUT

2 = FABULOUS. Sadly, both of them ended things after a few months but they were VERY nice men, both now married/getting married having had previous marriages, ended it nicely, still have coffee now and then (twice a year type thing). Not that this was the attraction (and did not know when met) but one was super duper gazillionaire

[Spero]

I haven't criticised anyone for trying and failing. The op asked when she should give up. I have given my view about that. If at the age of 35 you are bleak and unhappy about the only ways that exist to meet people then maybe you should give up, or at least for a little while, to regroup and recharge. Because I can bet those attitudes are coming across when you do meet people on dates.

The op seemed rejecting and a bit scornful of people's advice - but what else is there to do? A relationship is not a 'right' or a 'reward'. If you put all your emotional energy into being angry, I cant see that as constructive.

Sorry if you think I am being unfair but the whole point of a discussion is to take on board other view points. If this op was intended to simply be support for those fed up of Internet dating then it needs to be worded differently.

[Singlesupplement]

It not just about internet dating though, is it.

Its just all round disheartnedment at being single for a fair amount of time.

I can assure you any ' attitude' is not coming off on dates. Im a positive person, but im just having a few days where im a bit fed up with it all. Thats allowed, i am but human.

[Singlesupplement]

The sex only profile has been interesting to say the least. The man who stood me up on the weekend, after we had had sex, has messaged me, not knowing its me.
Saying hes not after anything heavy so a fwb thing would be perfect for him.

Could have fooled me....

[VelvetSpoon]

I think its perfectly normal to wonder what you have to do to meet someone normal, and why it hasn't happened when it seems to happen for others at the drop of a hat, and indeed whether it ever will.

The only thing I can draw from my experiences is that I seem to be far too good for every man I have dated (as all those now in relationships are with women my considerable inferior) so where do I meet men who I'm not going to be too good for?! I have no idea. Or maybe (as was once suggested - seriously) I need to dumb down in terms of job, intelligence and looks....

[VoiceofUnreason]

I think porridge speaks an awful lot of sense.

I tried online dating for 18 months and only met two women. In real life I belong to umpteen clubs of various types, socialise a lot, huge group of friends (including plenty of women) but NEVER in the last three years have I met any single women in their 30s.

I conclude, therefore, that it is hugely down to luck and where you live, together with age. I think the 30s is probably the WORST age to be dating in.

[Singlesupplement]

i think its normal to wonder. I see other people getting into relationships, it makes me think what do they have that i dont, how come its easy for them, yet not for me?


i do think its something that dating name change says....

'1. Men are much more likely to leave partner for an OW = not that many single men that have been in relationships

1. If men leave a long term relationship with no OW or have been dumped = shag around like its 1999 with people born in 1989
   
2. Normal single men likely to want to date people with no kids/have more kids
   
3. Abnormal single men. Well. We have all had the hideous date

[VelvetSpoon]

I think there may be something in that. The men I am thinking of have all been dumped by, or cheated on, by their exs. Might be why they are choosing women who they feel are less likely to do so...

[Singlesupplement]

oooohh you might have something there.

[EternalRose]

Well I have recently become a single mother to one, and I dread the thought of being back on the scene and I am only 26! I have always known that men dont want women with children, so I do feel insecure about that. Although, I am glad that I have only ever wanted one, so if I do end up being single forever I will never feel that yearning for another child, whilst being in a position where I cant do a great deal about it! However, I can appreciate how upsetting and isolating that must be for someone who still wants more children.

From looking at the dating thread, there does seem to be a lot of no-hopers on the scene as well as there being illiterate chancers and just generally men that I wouldn't dream of talking to in my everyday life (sounds snobby, I know!) A lot of them also seem to want this NSA sex thing, and I will NEVER sign up to that. Cant think of anything worse. I just think having casual sex with someone, and seeing that they have now chosen to move on and get married would be like a thorn in my back! No thank you.

[VoiceofUnreason]

Rose - I think there are men out there who will date single mothers. I know friends who have not had a problem on that score, honestly.

I'm always surprised how many women are apparently OK with the whole FWB thing. MN opened my eyes on that front, because most of my female friends (well, the single ones) resolutely refuse to entertain that idea (not that I have suggested it myself, I hasten to add).

[MavisGrind]

Hello all, just come to this thread - interesting reading. I'm 42, single for 4 years and have 2dcs

I've sort of assumed I'm single from here on in and am about 80% happy with that as long as I don't think forward to old age too much!

One thing that doesn't help single women is that difference of perception towards single men. The care-free bachelor stereotype still exists IMO and that's butted up agains the notion of cat-loving spinster. I think we're still suspicious of women who have successful lives on their own and like to put the pressure on to make them 'complete' (i.e. be in a relationship with a man). So even though I say I'm happy being single to friends and colleagues there's that slight 'well it's only because you haven't met someone yet, you're being so brave about it all' attitude that I get in return.

I know that doesn't address any personal want for sex or a relationship however I can't help but think that a wider social construct of what it's like to be a single woman just doesn't help.

[Singlesupplement]

There are men out there that will., there are also men that will run a mile ( like the one ive just been talking to, who had no worries telling me that was the reason) and the ones that will just see it as being an easy lay because they think shes desperate.

[maddy68]

Perhaps instead of online dating you could try joining a club ie ramblers or a night class where you might get to know people before dating them?
Not that there is anything wrong with online dating but you get to meet a lot of frogs in the way :)