Those of you who cut ties with your parents, how did you do it?

[TrampyPants]

I'm fucking furious. My mum is horrible. I grew up in a physically and emotionally abusive house, was taunted about my looks and told I was fat and ugly from the age of 6. Not surprisingly, I developed anorexia. Not because I wanted to be thin, but because I wanted to disappear. I would pull my hair out and self-harm. I still struggle at times, and now is one of those times, I am an acceptable weight though, its mainly in my head.

However, I never, EVER talk about my ED or other issues in front of ds (7). It's a golden rule, and I tell him every day how much I love him. he has so much confidence, its awesome.

The other day my mum popped in. Ds came in from school and asked for a snack. My mum laughed and said "you dont need more food, not with that belly" I snapped at her and told her not to be so stupid, he's perfect the way he is. anyway, today he asked if he could start exercising so he didn't have such a big belly. Treat me like shit, and make me feel terrible, fine (well, its not, but hey ho) but I will not accept it for my son. This poisonous woman has already damaged me, I will not let her do the same to DS. I only see her for ds's sake, because he loves her, and I want a relationship with my brothers.

I dont want to see her again. should I just phase her out?

Does anyone think that this sort of behaviour is a generational thing? That they weren't taught about positive relationships, or abot relationships in general really.

It just seems that so many of us have these awful toxic parents, its' odd

I think that mn attracts people with relationship or MH problems. all of my friends have lovely, non-critical/abusive parents. And my parents treated my brothers very differently.

so you don't think there is even a small element of the generational thing at work then?

I get that MN attracts people with relationship problems, but jeez, there just seem to be toxics wherever I look!

Oh no, I think there's def a generational element, but mumsnet attracts certain types of people, many of whom are from toxic upbringings, which contribute to mh issues. Iykwim.

No, not such a smug, but I used to. All of the people in my parents generation I know (including my parents) have been utterly horrified at even a glimpse into what my MIL was like with my DH. Perhaps the generation ap allowed them to hide better, and it's all coming out now, though.

Trampypants, glad to see you've joined the Stately Homers, was coming here to point you there :)

Gap not ap!

ok, they came round today with DB to show my the scan pic, my uncle died earlier today. And my other brother rang me up to see how I am. I'm so scared that if I follow this through I will lose my DBs, my new niece or nephew and any other children. I was very abrupt, didnt offer a drink, etc and the atmosphere was awful. My mum commented on my hair (I've just dyed it) as still not covering that red. I told them I had to go out at that. I hate confrontation though.

ARRRGGHH! why do I feel so bad?

Sorry to hear what a horrible day you've had. You feel bad because you've been conditioned to feel that way, as if everything's your fault. AND IT ISN'T.
Your instinct to protect your son from what you suffered is a wonderful one, you are doing a great job.
I severed contact with my parents for a similar reason - they don't handle older children well, and as my ds reached the age of 9, they began to try and control him and stop him becoming more independent. Making him feel guilty for playing out, forbidding him to climb a tree, barking at him for using boiling water when he offered them a cup of tea etc. I noticed they were doing the same to him as they did to me - down to mocking his voice and his hobbies. Utter bastards. Now he's a confident, capable 11yr old and better off without them. And he cooks pie.

And yes, phase her out. Get caller display, don't pick up. If she questions it, state calmly why, don't get drawn into the inevitable tit for tat/counter accusations, just keep repeating the same phrase. For me it was 'I cannot have that behaviour around my child' x

I think it's good advice from Creepy to phase it subtly.

In that way can you can maintain contact with your siblings on a separate level and feign innocence on the lack of contact with your mother?

BTW I've found it easier not to have an answermachine - caller screening is better. Don't open a window for them to leave potentially nasty messages or an argument that they have tried to get in touch and it's all your fault for not replying etc.

Organise separate meets with your siblings where you feel upwardly positive and happy, so they see the real you, relaxed and at ease.

Perhaps they will then start connecting two and two to make four.

much the same as lurky for me.

i have had no contact for about 13 years now. Stepfather was an abusive little shit, mother was a bystander, always blamed me, and could never say a kind word to me. a bitter, twisted cow she was.
it continued after i had my children. My stepfather last raised a hand to me when i had my 3 week old baby in my arms, with my husband stood right next to me. I had to walk out on xmas eve with a 3 week old baby and neither i nor DH drove....i had to get my uncle to drive us to the inlaws. I spent the entire night crying and it ruined xmas because before i left my mother thrust a present into my hands for DS, it was a bear and it made me feel so guilty.

i had left home at 15, but tried to maintain some semblance of a relationship thinking it best for my kids, but i was so wrong. They were bastards to them as well so in the end, i decided not to answer the phone to them anymore. i changed my number. when i moved house i didnt tell them. DD was 3. DS was 8. DDs abiding memory of my mother is her shouting at her because she bumped her head on a worktop my DS has aspergers and everytime my step father went anywhere near him i jumped....it was just awful. i ended up in hospital having panic attacks. it stopped when i stopped seeing them.

step father died a few years ago. mother tried to get in touch last year. i ignored. it was very difficult to get to the point emotionally where i could cut contact. I didnt want to go through that again.

Thank you all, I've not spoken to her for a few days now and am getting The Guilt, but am fighting the urge.

Creepy, did you get the "I love my gk's soooo much" spiel? I see them on fb splashing that "my kids/grandkids are my world" shit all over, and it would be funny if it wasn't so tragic.

Wally, we have caller Id, so it should be fairly easy to ignore them.

Vicar that's horrible, but oh, so familliar. Isn't it odd, readingf other peoples stories I feel like what happened was nothing, and I'm horrified for them. Then I realise that mine isn't that dissimilar, but I feel matter of fact rather than outrage.

Ok, I've managed to hold them off. it was my mums birthday earlier this week and my two brothers and SIL went out for a meal with my mum and stepdad (I know because it was on FB) in the same town that I live just outside. I live closer than any of them and I wasn't invited.

That hurts. But it has strengthened my resolve, I'm completely done now. I know that once DB and SIL's baby is born DS, DH and I will be completely forgotten and will be consigned to the family rubbish pile, again.