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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

No affection....ditch or date?

77 replies

Bitofadviceplease · 02/03/2013 07:16

I've been going out with my boyfriend for nearly 3 months now. He's 34 I'm 32.

I am a very touchy feely person, he is complete opposite.

Last night we sat watching a film on desperate sofas! Fair enough the dogs were lying sleeping beside is but he never once said 'come over here'

He very occasionally cuddles me, occasionally kisses me (not passionately), and I could count on one hand the amount of times we've had sex in just under 3 months and its always initiated by me....no foreplay, just wham bam thank you till he's done. My previous partner was amazing & considerate in bed so not used to this .

I've tried talking to him about the lack of affection but he doesn't know what I want him to do.

We're practically living at his place and I'm having still pay mortgage on my place while going halfers on his rent & bills. I don't want to rent my place out until I'm 100% sure it's going to work.

It's also costing me more in fuel to get to work & back from his house.

Last night was the last straw, made his work for him coming home from work, also picked him up from work! Then no affection at all. I'm already feeling like I'm his slave & provider of money when he's short with no real feeling I'm loved :(

Most of my things are here but going to suggest I keep flat longer to him & start staying there couple of nights a week

Thoughts?

OP posts:

Report

Cherriesarelovely · 02/03/2013 08:58

You are 3 months in and it's like this? Definitely move on. It doesn't sound as if there IS anything in it for you.

Marigold1 · 02/03/2013 09:59

DITCH DITCH DITCH.

kalidanger · 02/03/2013 10:00

You going to ditch him, OP?

Vicky2011 · 02/03/2013 10:15

Ditch obviously.

And then maybe some counselling to work out why you moved so quick with someone who was so clearly wrong for you so you can avoid the same mistake again.

Doha · 02/03/2013 10:27

No brainer DTB

Sianilaa · 02/03/2013 10:37

Ditch, no question!

LittleEdie · 02/03/2013 10:46

Ditch

Thisisaeuphemism · 02/03/2013 10:49

Seriously, why do you have to ask? It's clear he is not enhancing your life at all. I would suggest counselling too - Work out why you think you have to continue relationships with people you dislike.

So that's a ditch here from me.

Good luck

Lucyellensmum95 · 02/03/2013 10:52

Ditch - if he was staying your place he would be a cock lodger, as i is, he doesn' even qualify for that. He's using you you deserve better in and out of the bedroom

Beckamaw · 02/03/2013 10:52

I'm not sure how you ended up in this situation, TBH.

DP and I moved in together because we just couldn't think about being apart. In a relationship with no affection, how do you reach this decision?

I think you are wasting precious weeks of your life, and pounds of your money to facilitate something that is not making you happy.

Please run for the hills. You'll be happier there!!

Bitofadviceplease · 02/03/2013 11:21

To be honest I thought his 'distance' was a defence from a previous relationship where he was badly hurt so could understand that. I thought in time as we got to know each other better hed open up to me. But 3 months on & nope!

I stay there as we were enjoying each others company at the start & so to save travelling back & forth (half hour) journey it just kind of happened that I stay there nearly every night.

It was me who suggested I help towards his rent & bills as he's not as well paid as me but didn't expect him to take me fully up on the offer of literally halfers!! I initially offered as had a previous bf stay a lot at mind & he never contributed to anything and I swore to myself I'd never put someone in that situation!

When I approach him about lack of sex & affection he says what do I expect? Sex every night of week & kisses & cuddles 24/7??? Er no but to feel loved & appreciated would be nice. Just now I feel like a live in handy women, loan shark & taxi!!

OP posts:

Lizzabadger · 02/03/2013 11:24

Don't discuss it or analyse it any more.
Just end it today.

MirandaWest · 02/03/2013 11:26

At 3 months it should be exciting. And it's not. I can't see what you're getting out of this other than losing money and feeling rubbish.

almostanotherday · 02/03/2013 11:32

Ditch

Branleuse · 02/03/2013 11:35

that sounds like the most boring soulless relationship ive ever heard of

Beckamaw · 02/03/2013 11:36

The old chestnut 'I have been badly hurt in the past'. Yep, cross that off on your bingo card.

You cannot change him, heal him or fix him. It isn't your job. If he can't give you want you want, make space in your life by getting rid.
Wouldn't it be awful if someone brilliant came along, and you were wasting time over this guy and missed the opportunity?

I can relate to your situation OP. this is why I demand you ditch the jerk!!
I ended up with a lovely guy. It does happen.

piratecat · 02/03/2013 11:40

oh my god, just leave him to it op. and stop giving him money. What a lovely arrangement it is for him.

it's frankly, ODD!

gymboywalton · 02/03/2013 11:42

at 3 months i WOULD expect sex every night of the week!!
bloody hell when i was 3 months into my relationship, we couldn't keep our hands off each othjer!!!

why do you think you deserve so little?

kalidanger · 02/03/2013 11:51

Just checked Threads I'm On on the phone and it looked like "Yes, I would expect pirate sex every night"

Ditch ditch ditch! Cancel your direct debits and wander off into the sunset. Get a hot water bottle and you won't miss him one little bit.

OneHandFlapping · 02/03/2013 12:01

Why on earth are you paying half his rent and bills after 3 months? He certainly saw you coming.

Or does he just think you're his flatmate?

Get rid.

lubeybooby · 02/03/2013 12:02

Jesus christ OP, run for the hills will ya? Right now!

He isn't going to change.

I'd rather boil my own head than be in a 'relationship' like that with no sex no affection and giving him money... seriously wtf?

At 3 months in you should be all over each other all the time, and staying over at his shouldn't be met with a request for half the rent and bills etc just contributing a little bit for food or paying for takeaways now and then should be fine at this stage

The whole thing is totally fucked up from start to finish, upside down, backwards and - god. I just can't express enough to you how fast you need to run. Now! Dump him right now!

Bitofadviceplease · 02/03/2013 12:13

On way to collect my stuff :)

OP posts:

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TalkativeJim · 02/03/2013 12:20

Yay!

piratecat · 02/03/2013 12:20

thank god!!

kalidanger · 02/03/2013 12:39

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