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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

No affection....ditch or date?

77 replies

Bitofadviceplease · 02/03/2013 07:16

I've been going out with my boyfriend for nearly 3 months now. He's 34 I'm 32.

I am a very touchy feely person, he is complete opposite.

Last night we sat watching a film on desperate sofas! Fair enough the dogs were lying sleeping beside is but he never once said 'come over here'

He very occasionally cuddles me, occasionally kisses me (not passionately), and I could count on one hand the amount of times we've had sex in just under 3 months and its always initiated by me....no foreplay, just wham bam thank you till he's done. My previous partner was amazing & considerate in bed so not used to this .

I've tried talking to him about the lack of affection but he doesn't know what I want him to do.

We're practically living at his place and I'm having still pay mortgage on my place while going halfers on his rent & bills. I don't want to rent my place out until I'm 100% sure it's going to work.

It's also costing me more in fuel to get to work & back from his house.

Last night was the last straw, made his work for him coming home from work, also picked him up from work! Then no affection at all. I'm already feeling like I'm his slave & provider of money when he's short with no real feeling I'm loved :(

Most of my things are here but going to suggest I keep flat longer to him & start staying there couple of nights a week

Thoughts?

OP posts:

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piratecat · 03/03/2013 08:21

yes its great to hear that you've trusted your gut and wow you made quick work of it to boot!
BOF it must break you heart seeing you friend in that situation. i have a friend who is not being treated well and i don't know what to say or do anymore. x
good luck in your cosy nest op.

Bitofadviceplease · 03/03/2013 07:42

He wasn't particularly bothered which doesn't surprise me. I don't need a man like that so glad I came on here for advice.

Sometimes although your gut feeling tells you the answer you just need to hear it from others x

OP posts:

MidnightMasquerader · 03/03/2013 07:39

Fab - well done!! How did he take it? Blindsided?!

BOF · 03/03/2013 01:31

Btw, I have a friend who had similar issues and then some, who ignored all advice and chugged on. Now she has convinced herself that all is fine. It isn't. He is sapping her soul.

I am so glad you have seen the light- it truly breaks my heart to see my lovely vibrant peppy friend being sucked into the quicksand of such a joy vortex.

BOF · 03/03/2013 01:28

Fucking hell, I have never been so pleased to get to the end of a thread and see the outcome.

Don't look back.

lubeybooby · 03/03/2013 01:21

Phew. Well done OP. Bullet dodged!

Darkesteyes · 03/03/2013 00:36

Brilliant So glad you have ditched him. Hope he wasnt too much of a PITA about it.

Bitofadviceplease · 02/03/2013 23:31

Have ditched him. Collected all my belongings & home curled up in my wee flat :)

OP posts:

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 02/03/2013 20:31

OP you sound like a sweetheart...give your sweet heart to someone more deserving...ditch the ungrateful bastard..

LemonDrizzled · 02/03/2013 18:55

Come and tell us he is history OP! Don't let him wheedle you into carrying on for another 3 months!

I've been with my DP 18 months now (woo!) and we both keep separate houses but spend most nights at his. I buy food for the fridge and plants for the garden but we pay our own bills. There is plenty of time to get closer (and we have sex at least every night!)
You have rushed into this relationship a bit quickly haven't you? Next time take it s-l-o-w-l-y

MidnightMasquerader · 02/03/2013 18:15

So you've broken up with him, right??

Cherriesarelovely · 02/03/2013 18:13

Well done bitof, hope you find a much more appreciative partner! Good for you!

tribpot · 02/03/2013 18:03

God - I can't believe that after three months you would offer to go halfers on his rent, or that he would accept. WTF!

Next time I would expect a bit more out of a relationship, OP. He was barely a friend with benefits given the level of benefits!

targaryen24 · 02/03/2013 17:46

Good for you!
He's not treating you well because he doesn't want to, pure & simple. And by saying "what do you expect..." He's just trying to guilt trip you & dismiss you as irrational when really, he's in the wrong...and he knows it. Hence the gas-lighting.

Well done!

FarBetterNow · 02/03/2013 14:36

Sorry, but you are his meal ticket and you have MUG on your forehead.
Move out NOW.
Life on your own will be bliss.

ErikNorseman · 02/03/2013 14:04

There is literally no point to you continuing in this joke of a relationship is there? In fact, it's barely a relationship after not even three months. What made you think that you should move in with someone so quickly? Especially when he's so selfish with money, time, affection? Where is your self esteem?

startlife · 02/03/2013 13:41

Ditch, life is too short and whilst you are wasting energy on him you are not meeting the man that could make you happy.

Well done though for posting and getting the feedback, sometimes we drift in relationships and don't realise how bad they are - as there are often some good stuff in relationships which keep us hooked (like company when watching TV)

He is not right for you - just focus on that. You can't change him and even if he promises to change it's unlikely to happen. Good Girl for taking action.

Lizzabadger · 02/03/2013 13:41

Good that you are going.
Who cares what he acknowledges - just get away.

nickelbabe · 02/03/2013 13:24

and ??

Marigold1 · 02/03/2013 13:16

Not is the problem, was the problem I hope. Get you bits and bobs and dont look back xx

Bitofadviceplease · 02/03/2013 13:12

He's acknowledged it's him that's the problem

OP posts:

nickelbabe · 02/03/2013 13:05

good.
your OP says everything you need to know.

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lubeybooby · 02/03/2013 13:04

Well done OP!! Let us know how you are

PureQuintessence · 02/03/2013 13:04

Piuh! Let us know how that went!

ImperialBlether · 02/03/2013 13:00

Hang on a minute - loan shark? Has he borrowed money from you, too?

OP, you'd have to be out of your mind to stay one minute longer. Are you working today? If not, go round his house and pick up every single thing you own and put it into the car. Tell him you're going to wash your clothes at your house to save his electricity. Then get into your car and drive as fast as you can away from this man.

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