Once a cheater, always a cheater?

[Dahlen]

This is a question I've been thinking a lot about lately, due to circumstances in my social circle.

I think there are different types of infidelity. There are the serial philanderers (of both sexes) who simply want their cake and to eat it and don't care who gets hurt in the process, although they may lie and cry crocodile tears when caught. Then there are those who just don't possess enough self-awareness to realise when they're treading on dangerous ground (these are the types to whom it 'just happened'). Some of these will have made a genuine mistake and be full of genuine remorse and wil change. Others won't, either because they're not really suited to monogamy or because they're a bit dim.

In all these cases, I'm talking about mature people in marriages/long-term cohabiting relationships, in which the act of infidelity is affecting the future of the relationship.

What I'm less clear on is where maturity fits in on this. Is it possible, for example, for someone to have cheated on someone in a serious (but not cohabiting) relationship while in their early 20s but be trustworthy in a completely new relationship years down the line?

I tend to be of the opinion that while everyone can make mistakes, learn from them, change and move on, most people just don't. They repeat the same patterns of behaviour ad nauseam. Maybe I'm just a cynical old bat.

I'm interested in all different opinions on this, but if it's not too personal I'd quite like people to state if their opinion is coloured by personal involvement (which in no way makes their POV less valid).

See I don't have a problem with people not being cut out for monogamy. But I do think that everyone has a moral obligation to ask themselves where they fall on the sexual fidelity spectrum before they commit themselves to a relationship where it is expected.

I appreciate it's not that simple because the whole of society works to present monogamy as the normal and natural state of being and it's not always easy to fight against strong cultural norms. However, I'm a pretty average person and I've thought about it, so...

I accept the argument about an abused partner suddenly feeling their worth in an affair, etc, although I'd dispute it happens that often, since most abused people would be too scared to risk the consequences from their partner. What's more likely is that the abuser has affairs (in fact I think there is a proven link that abusers are X times more likely to be unfaithful etc).

I don't accept that a partner refusing to have sex or talk about it is an acceptable excuse though. It's (more than) an acceptable reason to end the relationship in order to seek sex elsewhere, certainly, but nothing else.

Yes I do basically think "once a cheat, always a cheat". I know there are exceptions to the rule, but I think generally it's true.

I have never cheated on anyone. And I have been involved in some crap relationships over the years - some of which were petering out anyway when I could have been tempted (and was, but didn't act on it). But I never cheated on anybody - I always ended the relationship first.

My friend was the OM for about 6 months when he first got together with his now DW. I was worried when they became a couple officially as I couldn't see how he could trust her after the way the relationship started. But they were young(ish) and her original relationship wasn't a serious long term thing, so I would hope she has found maturity and a deeper kind of commitment with my friend.

Circumstances vary, that's all. I do think it's ridiculous to insist that all marriages are happy until the Naughty Person has an affair - some relationships are dead in the water but neither person can actually get it together to leave until an affair breaks the deadlock.

I hated the whole secrecy lying stuff. Morally it tore me apart. It's a long story what happened, still unforgivable. You learn from mistakes do you not?

I end relationships when they are fucked. I see lots of people on here hanging onto relationships that are ropey. Not that they deserve infidelity but often one can see reasons for it happening. Again not an excuse but an attempt to understand why people behave as they do.

So some cheaters who lack moral fibre and/or imagination will imo carry on doing so. Those who can be honest and take pain and criticism probably won't.

sgb agree totally

Well, here's a long story cut short for you: my dp and I got together when he was 18 and I was 31. So he grew up on my watch, if you like. I'm 44 now and he's 30. When he was around 23 (approx) he was hideously unfaithful. He also went totally off the rails wrt life in general.

Anyway, we're still together after everything good and bad that you might possibly imagine.

My long view is that he was young and we were in a serious relationship from very early on and people change. (That sounds like I let him off the hook-I didn't, I'm just trying to keep it mercifully short).

So, the 4th paragraph of your OP kind of applies to us-he did cheat in his early twenties while in a serious relationship, but is now utterly trustworthy in his relationship. The only difference being it's the same relationship.

Well, it isn't thank god iykwim.

I'm also with SGB a very good friend of mine only found the strength to leave when she met someone else and realised what a healthy relationship felt like. (Dons hard hat for cascade of posts pointing out that infidelity is not healthy)