Think I Have Lost The Plot. Please Help.

[TotalTizzy]

I've been with my P for two years (don't feel like I can add the 'D' in front). He was great for the first year but the second year has been difficult. He will be lovely for weeks on end and then out of the blue he will blow up over something or do something seemingly out of character. He has always been a bit funny about me going out with my friends but now it feels suffocating. He has started doing things like giving me the silent treatment when I get in or putting the deadlock (I think that is what it's called) across the door so that I can't open it from the outside. On the occasions when he has locked me out, I have spent up to half an hour ringing him and knocking on the door but he doesn't respond. I know he is awake because sometimes he cuts the calls off or answers and pretends he can't hear me. One time I actually saw him standing in the shadows of our bedroom window watching me getting tearful and panicky but he totally denies he did this.

Once a week I have a physio appointment after work and he will go out that evening without fail and get absolutely blind drunk. He always justifies it by saying "You were out of house having a good time so why shouldn't I?" Since when the hell has seeing the physio been classed as FUN? The next day he will give me three different variations of what he had got up to while he was on the piss and he always tells me that someone has chatted him up (usually a glamour model FFS). His stories never make sense and if they do then it sounds like he has rehearsed a watertight itinerary and tells me to call one of his friends to verify it (which I don't). I always feel worried when he goes out now - I honestly never used to care but now I feel very anxious. When I speak to him about it he just accuses me of being a control freak and of wanting to keep him under the thumb. Sometimes I ask him not to go out and I become very needy which causes arguments. I hate myself for being like this and I know he resents that behaviour because he tells me often enough.

Sometimes I try to have a normal adult conversation with him about something and he will turn it round on me and start going off on one. For example one time he was moaning about being skint and I said he should stop spending so much money on booze (he thinks nothing of spending a hundred quid on a bottle of champagne in a bar even though he is up to his eyeballs in debt. He never buys that when he's with me btw, only when he is out with his flash friends) He suddenly went beserk and started interrogating me about men I fancy asking me the same questions over and over again until I snapped. He then went very quiet and calm then said "I've caught you out. You're getting angry because you're a fucking liar." Two days later he booked us a last minute 'romantic' trip to Rome as a way of apologising.

I really think I am losing my mind. I honestly dont know what is going on from one day to the next. Whenever I threaten to leave there are tantrums, tears, proclamations of undying love and expensive gifts but then a few days later when the dust has settled he will make it known that I am the one who causes all the problems. Everyone thinks he is such a nice bloke and I doubt they would believe me if I told them what was really going on. I just don't know what to do. Last time I tried to leave him he locked me in our house and took away my phone, keys and purse until I "calmed down and saw sense "as he put it. He also said he loved me too much for me to walk away. It's like a rollercoaster except the highs and lows are getting more and more extreme. I don't even know who I am anymore. I guess I am looking for reassurance that I should leave but im scared.

[BettySuarez]

You are in a very dangerous situation with a man who wants to control and abuse you.

You need to leave as soon as possible but don't let him know of your plans until it is too late (in other words you have left and are somewhere safe)

Make plans to leave now or if you are really scared then just leave and come back with a friend at a later date to collect your stuff.

Don't hesitate to call the police if you need to. They will stay with you while you pack your things and allow you to leave safely.

Good luck OP

[izzyizin]

As this guy is way up on the Richter scale of abusive behaviour, it would be sensible to call your local police and ask to speak to an officer from their Domestic Violence Unit to inform them of your plan to leave on x date and give a summation of why you are leaving him together with your fear of what he might do if he discovers your plan or discovers you in the act of moving out.

I suspect this man may be known to the police but, if not, his behaviour should be brought to their attention.

You may find Women's Aid www.womensaid.org.uk supportive, but WA workers are not able to visit the homes of dv victims if there is reason to believe that, indoing so, they may be put at risk of abuse.

[izzyizin]

//www.womensaid.org.uk

[PigWhisperer]

TT, I have been in your situation. Ironically it was when one of his friends took me aside and told me how lucky I was to have such a fantastic bloke that I decided to leave, as he seemed to have a normal relationship with everyone else except me.

I really believe it is just a matter of time before this behaviour becomes physically abusive, sorry.

Once you leave you must be very careful. He will try and persuade you to come back with every weapon he has in his emotional range - his love for you, his determination to change, making you feel guilty, threatening to harm himself etc etc etc. You need to be prepared and be strong when that happens.

I promise that after you have gone and had some time to yourself your sanity will return.

You can do it, good luck

[TotalTizzy]

I'm overwhelmed by all the replies, i think i underestimated the seriousness of this until i read all the responses. Sorry it is taking me so long to reply, i am trying to do this as discreetly as possible as 'D'P is in the house. I will definitely be deleting all trace of this from my browsing history and I have taken on board all the advice on here.
I have a plan, it's very difficult trying to sort out anything with him here but when i'm at work tomorrow morning i'm going to call my parents and speak to them about where is best for me to go. I would ideally like to stay with them but 'D'P knows where they live so perhaps another relative might be better. He also knows where I work which worries me - do I need to warn anyone that he might turn up? Because i have a feeling he would definitely go there once he knows i have left.
AnyFucker Thanks for the suggestion to move this thread, I will do that. I'd feel a bit happier knowing this isn't googleable.

[AnyFucker]

All the very best of luck and do everything that you can to stay safe x

[dondon33]

He sounds utterly unhinged OP
I wish you the best of luck in your new life without him.

If you have security at work then make sure they know what you want to do if he does turn up, if not and he comes and makes a nuisance of himself then call the police. Your safety is paramount OP - I wouldn't trust this nasty piece of work, be careful x

[ManInBeige]

He will get worse. Jesus. You have to go. Any friends locally, just go stay with them. Leave.

[izzyizin]

I strongly advise you to have a chat with your local police before you leave as this will form the basis of a record of events should he seek to harass you either at your new home or at work

Should he refuse to accept that he's been dumped or makes any attempt to threaten or coerce you into returning or otherwise, please DON'T HESITATE to call the police.

I hope your dps will welcome you home and won't see any shame in involving the police should this abusive fuckwit kick off anywhere near their property.

If they have room to accomodate you, given this twunt's nature it would be prudent for your dps to have a word with their local community police officer on a 'just in case' basis.

If you work in a shop or on any premises that are freely open to the public, make your managers aware of the possibility that he may arrive at any time to 'reason' with you, and be vigilant when you are entering/leaving the premises.

For the foreseeable future your mobile is your bf - keep it to hand at all times primed to dial 999.

I trust the above doesn't sound too alarmist - with luck he'll recognise his game is up and turn his attention to preying on another victim but, if not, a visit or two from the boys/girls in blue should serve to concentrate his mind on the fact that you've got out from under and there's fuck all he can do about it.

Whatever you do, don't make the mistake of agreeing to meet him - allow him one telephone call's opportunity and one only for you to tell him it's over and you do not wish to have any further communication with him. If you're feeling brave, I suggest you call him when you're safe and impart this information to him in no uncertain terms.

I sincerely hope you are able to move out without incident and that you'll update this thread when you next have opportunity to do so.

[TheFallenNinja]

Yep. Get yourself the hell out. Say nothing, change your number, change your email and dig in for the tantrum.

Good luck

[TotallyBS]

Dump the bastard.

I usually make fun of the posters whose standard advice in response to some (IMO) minor guy infraction is the above. However, in this case it is totally appropriate.

[Sugarice]

Good luck Total, thank God you've seen the light and realised what a twat he is!

[tripper20]

good luck, op. I went through just the same as you, it took me two years to plan and I left when he was away on a business trip. Mine escalated into violence as well as the gaslighting and bullying. Please take care.

[Matildaduck]

Run girl! He's a dangerous man.

Thank god you don't have children.

[MarilynValentine]

Thank god you're going to leave. Well done. This man is dangerous.

Once you're free, if he pesters you at work or at home, call the police. No two ways about it.

You have the might of mumsnet behind you!

[BouncyPenguin]

Oh gosh. His behaviour is controlling, obsessive and abusive and I agree that it sounds like he is on the road to something worse! You cannot stay with this man. It would be a waste of your life. You deserve your freedom and someone who loves you.This man does not love you. He is incapable of it. He really sounds like he needs professional help BUT that's not your problem. I agree that you should leave as soon as you can. Empty all your stuff from the house, send him a letter/email telling him why you have left him and that the relationship is over for good and not to contact you. Don't tell him where you are staying. Then send a letter to your landlord giving your notice and explaining the situation and that they should not give forwarding address to your former partner. Be strong. Once you are away from this situation your life will begin to get better.

[BouncyPenguin]

Regarding your work...I would wait until you have left the house. Then speak to your line manager and explain the situation. That you think he is likely to try to contact you or come in to work and that you don't want to see him. It is important that the understand the seriousness of the situation so you may need to give them the details you gave us. Then at least you have them on side and prepared if he were to come in to reception. Could you book some time off...or get your doctor to sign you off for a couple of weeks with stress? Lord knows you will feel stressed at the moment. Hopefully when he realises its over he will wake up to his ridiculous behaviour and leave you alone.

[Jux]

Go to your parents. If he turns up there phone the police.

Will your parents be supportive? I mean, not let him in, not have little chats with him 'trying to help'? The help you need from them is a very firm line: he has locked their dd out of her house, he has emotionally abused her, and so on, and so they will not give him the time of day or piss on him if he were on fire. That kind of support.

When ayou log in here, keep the 'remember me' box unticked.

[Jux]

Sorry, that's the 'keep me logged in' box, can't remember the actual wording.

[BreakOutTheKaraoke]

I never comment on these threads, but this man really scares me. He is cruel enough to get a kick from scaring you by locking you out, and what's more, stands and watches while you panic over it. Almost like an experiment.

I would agree with getting in contact with local dv unit- after exp assaulted me, they went through a checklist of points to see if he was the 'type' who was likely to commit DVD. It included gas lighting, jealousy, separating you from your friends and family, temper swings, controlling behaviour, and the start of the dv- blocking you from leaving rooms, 'restraining' you from hurting them by, for example, holding your wrists while you are arguing, but holding them tight enough to hurt and leave marks, shoving you or blocking you against a wall while they shout at you. My ex ticked all of these. It sounds like yours does too. I ended up in hospital with a black eye, sprained finger, and a footprint on my back that didn't fade for 3 days. And your guy still scares me more.

[GiveMeSomeSpace]

TT Definitley speak to someone trustworthy and in authority at work about this if you think he is likely to turn up there. We had something similar at our firm with one of our employees. The aresehole turned up several times and we hired additional security in the end to keep him away.


Good luck :)

[AnyFucker]

how are you today, TT?

[LiveItUp]

As AF said - how are you today? I hope you have been able to move forward with your plans. Get out ASAP. Don't leave it. Don't wait until you have got time to pack your stuff. "Stuff" is irrelevant. If he gets even a whiff of anything, like others on here, I too really think he could be very dangerous.

Let us know you're OK. Good luck.

[ThereGoesTheYear]

Well done for seeing how awful this is before you got more entangled with children/marriage/joint finances. I know how insidious this type of behaviour can be. He does sound very very controlling and I am so glad that you're planning to leave.