Need brutally honest opinions and advice please, before I send myself insane!

[uhohwhathaveidone]

Ohh...I've messed up, I think.

Long story short (ish!), I have children in a local primary school. One of my children has a rather cute teacher who is only a year or two older than me, and I thought he might have a bit of a 'thing' for me - just from little things that I've probably over analysed and turned into something from nothing!

Basically it was just things like we've had quite a few meetings since September, and I thought I picked up a bit of chemistry as he had a twinkle in his eye, seemed to have this half smile on his face a lot of the time while he was talking to me, looked over at me a lot (during assemblies where the parents are invited, he would be looking in my direction a lot; I noticed out of the corner of my eye, and when I looked over at my child the teacher would suddenly look at my child too, as if he'd followed my gaze), a few times I walked past him on my way to the school office, and when I looked over at him his eyes would dart away, as if he'd been looking at me, he always seemed quite 'aware' of himself when I was around; when I like someone (or hate them!) I tend to try and act normal, but get it wrong and end up overemphasising my movements; he'd do this and once I was in the office (I volunteer in school sometimes), he walked past the window, then backed up, looked around the room for a few seconds (it's used as a storeroom and I was the only one in there) then glanced at me and walked off.

Anyway - he suddenly went a bit colder towards me; I have kept acting the same way, which mostly consists of when I have to walk past him in the mornings, making sure I'm talking to my children so my eyes are focused on them and I don't have to look at him (too shy!), only talking to him when I have to, pretty much ignoring him and avoding eye contact...so I don't get why his behaviour suddenly changed.

All of a sudden, he's laughing and joking with everyone else (literally), and not even saying hello to me, let alone laughing and joking! Now, anytime he sees me approaching the school gate with my children, he'll turn and go into the playground out of sight. Thought I was imagining it, but on the days I've sent the kids in on their own and 've stayed out of sight, he keeps his feet firmly rooted outside the gate and never goes into the playground!

He even ignored me yesterday...went to pick my child up, child came out upset over something so as there was only me and one other mum left in the playground, I though I'd quickly ask the teacher what was wrong with LO; he was looking in my direction as I was walking, yet when I got 6 feet away from him, he suddenly turned and went back into the classroom! The other mum looked at me and then him with a "what the...?" face and I was mortified!

So - sorry for the essay - bad gramma/punctuation is due to me trying to keep this as brief as possible - but I really need to know what's going on.

Why would he act this way; did I get it wrong when I thought he liked me, or could I have inadvertently done something to upset or annoy him, do you think?

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

uhoh I'm not saying at all that you have acted unprofessionally, but that you had 'unprofessional' thoughts, which is something quite different. And I've been there (not with a teacher fwiw) and loads of us have because we are all human.

I AM annoyed that he's acting unprofessionally by avoiding me, because in my mind it's making it quite clear to everyone that I've somehow crossed him.

What you mean here is that you don't want anyone to notice anything out of the ordinary because you think they might realise that you have a massive crush on him!!

You think that because some people have told you that he doesn't fancy you that this must be true. I don't actually think that. Dealing with mums with crushes goes with the job of being a male primary school teacher (or any teacher really).

Personally I think it's more likely that he feels awkward because he's got a bit of a crush on YOU but I don't want to encourage you because I know this situation is agony for you already!

[Fairenuff]

But I do think that whatever his reason for his behaviour, he should continue doing his job as normal

But he is doing his job as normal is he not. How is he not being professional in his teaching?

I think you are reading so much more into this because of your own feelings.

The only way he treats you any differently to other parents seems to be by giving you a wide berth because of your strange behaviour. This seems like a perfectly professional approach. If you need to speak with him concerning your child, make an appointment like everyone else.

Btw, you didn't answer my question, how old is your youngest child at primary school?

[uhohwhathaveidone]

mammadiggingdeep - thing is though, in your example the teacher concerned was having an affair, with a married parent.

I'm single, and assuming he is too (although obviously, he might not be) then I don't see how it would be such a big deal, or indeed how anyone would find out anyway.

If he was flirting with the 'other' single mum I mentioned earlier - then he was doing it in full view of me and his colleague as we were both only a few feet away from him.

I think in a way, I was reluctant to treat him like any other teacher, just in case he did like me (even slightly) and then he'd be thinking that I didn't want things to go any further.

If there was a way of getting things a bit less awkward AND keeping things open slightly so that if he did like me, he wouldn't be put off pursuing things once he isn't teaching my child, then I'd do it.

And for the record; I do still believe everyone that's said he's a lost cause, so don't worry about me doing anything stupid! lol.

[uhohwhathaveidone]

Mayeb Fairenuff.

Sorry didn't see your question.

My youngest in the actual school is in Reception, but I have one in the nursery too.

[mammadiggingdeep]

If you can't see how totally inappropriate it is to get involved with a teacher at your children's school then I give up!! Reminder: they go there to be educated, not for single parents to eye up potential dates. Also, your idea of 'flirting' isn't mine....the fact you thought he was flirting with another mum because he (shock horror) put his hand on her back to guide her into a room and (gasp) they laughed, is embarrassing. I think he's ignoring you because youve made it waaaaay to obvious you're interested and some of what you e described definately is stalker-ish. Sorry, not wishing to be rude at all, just being honest x

[pictogram]

I think you probably scared him off by doing things like walking past him in the corridor ten times in a row.

That and the studiously ignoring him thing.

For whatever reason, now that he knows you are keen he is not interested.

[Fairenuff]

Ah, thanks OP, so you are going to be a parent at the school for seven more years then. No way should you be considering getting involved with a teacher there.

[WhateverTrevor]

Not making eye contact with someone is very, very rude.

[uhohwhathaveidone]

No; what I'm saying is that while he teaches my child then yes, it's inappropriate. But he won't be teaching my child after September.

Would it be wrong if I was interested in the school caretaker, or a dinnerlady (man)? They are both involved with my child - or how about if I liked one of the older year teachers, or a nursery teacher but my youngest child had left nursery 5 years previously?

He made a point of saying that he's a person as well as a teacher, yet when I see a teacher as a person then I'm acting inappropriately?

And I wasnt saying he waa flirting with her. I said IF because someone had said up above that they thought he'd gone from liking me, to her or something like that.

[uhohwhathaveidone]

It was around 10 times (maybe not that many) times over the space of 5 hours! Every other teacher walked past 'him' (that classroom) loads too over the course of that time! :(

[uhohwhathaveidone]

Fairenuff - I still maintain that it wouldn't matter if he wasn't teaching any of my children...but hey. Take your point.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Personally, I think it's even wring when parents get involved with each other. Just keep school as a place for your children and not a dating opportunity!!!! It gets messy otherwise. It is inappropriate to get involved with any teacher at the school in my mind, teaching your kids or not. It's just unprofessional and most teachers of any worth wouldn't consider it. Way too close to home. X

[Fairenuff]

Teachers don't always stay in the same class. They are moved around sometimes to teach different key stages, usually as part of their professional development.

Regardless of which class he teaches, it would be inappropriate to have a relationship with a parent. Teachers are expected to behave in a professional manner at all times not just in school.

They should not be posting about their lives on facebook if any parents or children could read about it. They should not be seen inebriated in their local bars. Sometimes is does happen and the teacher will be reprimanded if appropriate, but behaviour like that is discouraged.

It may well depend on the individual head but in my school a relationship with a parent would be considered unprofessional and would be frowned upon at best.

All that aside, can you not see how inadvisable it would be? For yourself as a parent, in your professional voluntary capacity, your career and for your own children.

[uhohwhathaveidone]

Yes, I suppose so...

[uhohwhathaveidone]

Just want to say, I remember I googled 'parent dating teacher' once when I was trying to find out whether there were any 'laws' prohibiting it, and mumsnet actually had a thread where someone was a teacher and dating a parent; they asked for opinions and out of a fairly long thread, they were all positive as far as I remember.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

I think some of what people have said to you is very harsh.

I don't think it is stalkerish what you have described. I do think his behaviour towards you is confusing and given that you like him the way you do I think there is nothing abnormal about examining all the minutiae of it to try to work out what it means.

FWIW (and you obviously don't agree OP) I do think he it is more likely that he is attracted to you than not - as I have said, mums with crushes goes with the job so he'd be a dick to be handling it as he is if it was only on your side. It doesn't sound to me as if you have behaved like an idiot or sought his company too much etc.

But that said, I don't think it will or can go anywhere. He has a lot more to lose than you do and even if he is single it is still a no-no.

You need to try to stop thinking it might be an option. I got into a very difficult emotional situation with a man who was similarly off-limits (in this case a doctor) and was very badly hurt. If he's keeping his distance he is doing you a favour. Indulging this attraction which I do think is probably on both sides would only end in tears. His, yours and your children's.

Leave it :)

[uhohwhathaveidone]

Yes, I'm quite black and white with things...

I still don't see why it should be such a no go to be honest, because of what I've read on other forums (and this one) where teachers have dated parents without it causing issues, I don't doctors are quite in the same league as teacher (dont doctors have a code of conduct against relationships with patients?)...BUT I see your point. Frustrating, though.

[mammadiggingdeep]

That makes two of us then fairenuf, we both work at schools where such things wouldn't/don't happen. I've taught for 12 years, in 7 schools and in all my time it's only happened once (the incident last year). It's not the done thing. As I said, let's just make school about the kids education and not turn it into a meat market!!!!!!

[uhohwhathaveidone]

I know, not the same - but how about teachers teaching their own children; does that happen at your schools, Fairenuff and mammadiggingdeep?

[mammadiggingdeep]

It has done in one case, and I do know it happens. If there's any alternative (ie in 2 firm entries) then it's avoided. It's not quite the same though is it, affairs of the heart and relationships by their very nature can end nastily, lead to upset etc etc. For obvious reasons this can cause trouble within a school setting. It's just messy.

[ekidna]

I know concentration on the minutiae is what we do when we like someone but when I've been reading this its really given me the feeling of OMG i want to step back because a) the extreme detail feels really overwhelming to read and b) in terms of wondering what the bigger picture is of your life/circumstance.

Of course I could step back and **ss off as this observation might not be helpful and I do feel for you OP I just wonder if concentrating on the detail of whats happening is helpful or zooming out a bit might be more helpful than analysing back pats and arm flaps. really not being dismissive was just a thought.

[countrykitten]

Poor guy! You sound like a scary stalker type and also that you have a bit of an unhealthy obsession going on. As a teacher myself I know how busy I am at work and how I do not have time to interpret every tiny nuance of a smile or an arm flap (!) and think that you are reading FAR too much in to his behaviour. Let it go, find another person to fixate on and give the guy a break.

[countrykitten]

Plus forget any ideas about smooching with your dc's teachers - it is a VERY BAD IDEA even if you hadn't scared this poor guy to death.

[uhohwhathaveidone]

No I know it is slightly different. It's one class to a year at this school so I no other alternative, but a lot of the teachers have their children at different schools (there are lots close by), but one teacher has a child in her class and another about to go into her class in Sept.

I know that if I were in a relationship with a teacher (and I know, I CAN'T. lol), everything would be kept well out of the school and if it ended, there's no need to drag it into the 'work environment', surely?

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

What the internet or other threads on MN say doesn't make any difference.

Just based on his behaviour this isn't a goer.

He doesn't sound very mature either. I don't think he has handled things all that well. If you'd meet in another context it might have been different. Or not. If you had met him elsewhere you might not have fancied him. A young(ish) man who is good with small children is very attractive. And if you felt he'd singled you out even more so. But I urge you to accept this can go nowhere. X