Is my boyfriend tight?

[pippilongstockinglondon]

Firstly, apologies for the long message!

I?ve been dating with my boyfriend for two months. The first date was in a fairly expensive restaurant (he invited me out and booked the table). Despite the fact that the venue was my choice I was actually expecting to stay in the bar area as I?m struggling financially. He ordered a drink, one of the mains (£18), I ordered a starter only (£6.50) and we shared a bottle of wine of which he had more than half. At the end of the evening he asked what we should do with the bill. I offered - just to be polite - that we split it in half; however I was expecting him to pay a bit more as he had the lion?s share. But he gladly agreed and I ended up paying half of the £52 bill. Fair enough, he paid for the wine at a pub the following weekend (£10), so I thought it was actually fine. Only recently I have started thinking about the old saying ?mean with money, mean with love??Maybe I have watched too many Hollywood romcoms, but shouldn?t it be the case of a man making an effort when he?s dating a woman?!

We spend around 3 days/evenings a week together and he always stays at mine. I do the grocery shopping, spend time cooking and generally put quite a lot of effort into pleasing him. We have gone out for breakfast twice (local caff the first time and a bit more upmarket café the second time) and he has paid for it, but on both occasions he kept on complaining how expensive it is to eat out. We once went grocery shopping together for which he paid (£12). He has also paid for a takeaway twice: pizza and Chinese. When I go shopping I always try to buy healthy nutritious food, because this is what I am used to and I genuinely love cooking. I usually make my meals from scratch: casseroles and stews, steak and salad, roast chicken and potatoes, soups. I don?t eat crisps or £1 frozen pies. Yes, I sometimes have a cheeky takeaway pizza and chips, but it doesn?t happen often.

He never brings any food or anything else with him, except for the last weekend when he decided to bring some of his own items, after saying that ?you never have any food at home?. So he brought a pack of frozen waffles, a frozen pie (the kind of products you can get from Iceland for £1) and a tin of baked beans. However, in the evening after realising my food was so much better (chicken fajitas and green salad), he decided not to eat his but indulge in mine. I don?t always have the items in the fridge that he would like (for full English), but I have always made him coffee & toast, omelette or a bacon sandwich. Except for the two breakfasts mentioned earlier and a couple of times when he has woken up before me and gone to eat in a local caff. So I think it is unfair to say that I never have any food at home. What about all the dinners I have prepared for him?

As a side note, I am a secretary on a 23k salary (plus stuck in a dead end job) and he is a financial analyst in the City. Not sure how much he is earning, but perhaps around 50-60k?!

I feel that he is not making much effort and is generally a tight person. Am I unfair?

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

He is dodgy, a freeloader and you are in training to become his doormat

It's not a good situation

[Xales]

Stop doing his washing, cooking for him and letting him stay at yours etc.

You will soon see if he wants to stay your boyfriend or would prefer to move onto a better mug.

[suburbophobe]

He sent me a text a couple of weeks ago if I had found his £2.50 that had fallen out of his pocket in my bedroom.

O.k., if he was on minimum wage or hours, I could understand.

But he's a financial analyst (are you sure?). Coming round with a tin of beans shows him as a cheapskate..!
He's willing to eat your lovingly-cooked meals. Has he ever cooked for you?

He's a user - expecting you to wash his clothes? WTF?!

I would see through someone like this within 2 weeks.

Are you desparate to have a man, any man in your life?

[suburbophobe]

I also know the company where he works. Well, he claims to be working there, but I cannot be entirely sure.

Well, that's easy. Phone them and ask to be put through to him. You will have your answer.....

[DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight]

Tight, or married.

Why does eating and food figure so large?

Tbh in an odd way you two sound quite alike. If it's too much hassle pack it in! I wouldn't get your hopes up for Christmas btw he probably 'doesn't believe' in exchanging gifts.

[suburbophobe]

have done all these things to please him.

Ah yes. That's our downfall. The "disease to please".

I know OP cos I have been down that road. It's our upbringing you see.

But the more you try to please, the more they take advantage. And usually it's never "good enough".

You need to get to a point where if you are paying more than your fair share even on a first date (or subsequent), alarm bells should be starting in the background.

Saw a great key-ring once, and it was like a lesson...

"I am in touch with my inner bitch"

I didn't take it as being nasty, just a hint to get assertive with people who would walk all over me.

It's about taking your power back where it belongs.

[izzyizin]

Have you met any of his friends, family, colleagues?

You sound remarkably like one of those women who have to have a man in order to define themselves.

Maybe if you didn't have a 'dead end' job you'd place more value on yourself. Instead of spending the rest of your working life in secretary mode, have you considered retraining - maybe studying for a degree if you haven't already done so?

The money you spend on this freeloading twat and others like him would be better invested in Open University studies or dining out alone at good restaurants.

Btw to avoid making the same mistake again, join the online dating thread.

[NotGoodNotBad]

I don't think he's married, or in a relationship though - he wouldn't bring his washing round then would he?

As for trying to be a "nice girlfriend", ask yourself what a "nice boyfriend" would do. Sure, it's nice to do things for each other, and to cook for each other. But would you take your washing round to his house for him to do? Shouldn't think so. Would you invite him back to your place sometimes? Would hope so. Would you go out for an expensive meal, have £40 of food/drink while he had £10 worth and expect to go halves?

Any of these things that you're not sure about - and some of the ones you are! - just think about reversing the roles.

[ladyWordy]

This man is telling you lies, and freeloading. And he isn't very good at the lying part. Out he goes, OP!

[DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight]

Q: Why are you packing an overnight bag?
A: I'm on a course/visiting my mum/my sister, sorry love, (thinks: must get pippi to wash my stuff so there's no tell-tale smell or cat's hairs or lipstick).

[Arseface]

Hope you're ok OP, it's a bit of a shock when the penny drops like this. You're not an idiot for getting into this situation, we judge others according to our own standards and you sound like a normal, generous, kindhearted person.
Definitely check his work tomorrow. It's not normal for him to have insinuated himself so far into your life without giving anything back.

[Bogeyface]

Meanness is the single most unattractive trait ever. Meanness is never just about money, but time, affection, respect.....

After 8 weeks he should be treating you like a princess, not likely a cross between a maid, a whore and his mother.

I would be dumping him for the washing thing alone, never mind anything else. And FWIW I dont think that he necessarily has a wife in the background, otherwise the washing etc wouldnt be an issue, given how he thinks of women. Maybe the reason he doesnt like his flatmates GF is that he assumed that she would do his washing, you know, because us vagina owners can't wait to be let loose on a big pile of skiddy pants , and she told him to do one!

I think he is just a mean self centred slob and you would do very well to cut him loose.

[pippilongstockinglondon]

I don´t need a man in order to define myself. Always been fine on my own. My last (proper) relationship was in 2007. But it would be quite nice to find someone kind to have good times with and share things in life. Maybe I´m just lonely. That´s all.

I´m actually putting a lot of effort into finding a better job. In fact, having an interview no. 3 this week, so quite close. I do have a degree, but it´s not in finance or business studies etc, which would help in the job market. I studied something that was close to my heart (but perhaps a bit pointless in terms of earning money). When you are 17, you don´t think about money. I have thought about doing another degree, but this won´t happen until I start earning more.

[pippilongstockinglondon]

LaQueen, I completely agree. Mean with their time, mean with money, and so on. He always decides when we meet (when he has time, obviously). I´ve been so naive...

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

So what are you going to do ?

[HollyBerryBush]

a couple of times when he has woken up before me and gone to eat in a local cafe

Dump him - sorry - but he is so discourtous to you - he could have nipped to the corner shop and bought stuff to cook you breakfast .... never mind wiping his dick on the curtains on the way out, then feeding himself.

[dequoisagitil]

Sounds like the scales are falling from your eyes - please dump this stingy git.

I can't believe you're doing his washing 8 weeks in .

[caramelwaffle]

Aye. You've been naive but many of us have at one stage.

At least you're aware now.

[AndrewMyrrh]

Pippi, I think you need to ask yourself why you are so eager to please. I say this kindly, but I think you need to work at establishing boundaries and being more assertive. Doing his washing and making meals and snacks is setting yourself up as a doormat.

[AndrewMyrrh]

HollyBerryBush

You have quite a way with words.

[Bogeyface]

[Kisses LQ hello and offers her a martini!]

I should add that I was doing now DH's washing within 8 weeks but that was because he didnt have a machine and the laundrette was costing him a fortune. So he asked me if I would let him use my machine, I ended up doing it but he paid me for the use of the machine (insisted on it) and always, always paid when we went out. It was a matter of pride for him that he would never let me pay!

[dreamingbohemian]

He always decides when you meet too?

Gawd, just bin him, seriously.