Is my boyfriend tight?

[pippilongstockinglondon]

Firstly, apologies for the long message!

I?ve been dating with my boyfriend for two months. The first date was in a fairly expensive restaurant (he invited me out and booked the table). Despite the fact that the venue was my choice I was actually expecting to stay in the bar area as I?m struggling financially. He ordered a drink, one of the mains (£18), I ordered a starter only (£6.50) and we shared a bottle of wine of which he had more than half. At the end of the evening he asked what we should do with the bill. I offered - just to be polite - that we split it in half; however I was expecting him to pay a bit more as he had the lion?s share. But he gladly agreed and I ended up paying half of the £52 bill. Fair enough, he paid for the wine at a pub the following weekend (£10), so I thought it was actually fine. Only recently I have started thinking about the old saying ?mean with money, mean with love??Maybe I have watched too many Hollywood romcoms, but shouldn?t it be the case of a man making an effort when he?s dating a woman?!

We spend around 3 days/evenings a week together and he always stays at mine. I do the grocery shopping, spend time cooking and generally put quite a lot of effort into pleasing him. We have gone out for breakfast twice (local caff the first time and a bit more upmarket café the second time) and he has paid for it, but on both occasions he kept on complaining how expensive it is to eat out. We once went grocery shopping together for which he paid (£12). He has also paid for a takeaway twice: pizza and Chinese. When I go shopping I always try to buy healthy nutritious food, because this is what I am used to and I genuinely love cooking. I usually make my meals from scratch: casseroles and stews, steak and salad, roast chicken and potatoes, soups. I don?t eat crisps or £1 frozen pies. Yes, I sometimes have a cheeky takeaway pizza and chips, but it doesn?t happen often.

He never brings any food or anything else with him, except for the last weekend when he decided to bring some of his own items, after saying that ?you never have any food at home?. So he brought a pack of frozen waffles, a frozen pie (the kind of products you can get from Iceland for £1) and a tin of baked beans. However, in the evening after realising my food was so much better (chicken fajitas and green salad), he decided not to eat his but indulge in mine. I don?t always have the items in the fridge that he would like (for full English), but I have always made him coffee & toast, omelette or a bacon sandwich. Except for the two breakfasts mentioned earlier and a couple of times when he has woken up before me and gone to eat in a local caff. So I think it is unfair to say that I never have any food at home. What about all the dinners I have prepared for him?

As a side note, I am a secretary on a 23k salary (plus stuck in a dead end job) and he is a financial analyst in the City. Not sure how much he is earning, but perhaps around 50-60k?!

I feel that he is not making much effort and is generally a tight person. Am I unfair?

[ovenchips]

OP. Yes it would certainly seem so.

And all the other things you have mentioned don't exactly bathe him in glory either.

If we are supposed to be at our best/on our best behaviour in the early weeks of a relationship, I wouldn't like to hang around for the rest of it with him.

[Whocansay]

On a practical note, call the switchboard where he works. They can then confirm if he actually works there and what his job title is.

[Heleninahandcart]

Queen he earns twice as much, maybe OP has to count the pennies.

OP yes he is tight. More to the point he is treating your home like a serviced apartment with a by the hour kitchen and laundry, not to mention you to warm the bed up.

I have always made him coffee & toast, omelette or a bacon sandwich... Except for the two breakfasts mentioned earlier and a couple of times when he has woken up before me and gone to eat in a local caff This.

So when the kitchen is closed he prefers to go out and find a local cafe without you rather than go get some food in to cook you both breakfast. Of course he is criticising the contents of your fridge, he thinks he is in hotel and entitled to it except he would actually have to pay for that.

[LookBehindYou]

Have you ever seen his home op?

[NotADriveBy]

Completely agree with Notmadeofrib and LaQueen.

People don't change...so if you have different perspectives on money and generosity at this stage, you're almost guaranteed to have disagreements about money later on.

I reckon a certain generosity of time, money and spirit is a must-have in a life partner.

[pippilongstockinglondon]

Thank you izzyizin, your post me me laugh out loud! :)

[ClippedPhoenix]

My dear old mum used to always say tight with money tight with emotion. This would be a deal breaker for me.

Stop the cooking and washing for him right now.

[Shoesme]

We men are simply creatures, if a woman suggests splitting the bill then that is what we will do. You knowing all about his income, spending etc would put me off big time. If you want to know something then just ask him.

[Mollydoggerson]

He sounds a bit immature wrt money, but I would be way more worried by you not having met any of his friends or seen where he lives. This rings big alarm bells, why have you not met his friends?

Where did you meet him?

[tak1ngchances]

I have not read the whole thread but IME when a man doesn't want you to come back to his house, ever, that's a huge alarm bell

[dawntigga]

The warning bells went off for me on 'he hates his flatmates gf'.

MoreToThisThanMeetsTheEyeTiggaxx

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

You're not overly money-focused OP. You're being taken advantage of in your effort to be 'a good girlfriend' and you're not asking the right questions about his background. Already he's got you trained to provide him with a home from home and meals cooked for him 3 days a week, plus a laundry service and sex... all for free and all in the space of two months. Says he earns a packet but talks and behaves like a poor man.

Wake up and smell the coffee. Something is very wrong with the whole story.

[HughFearnlyShittingFuck]

dawn I can't help butting in to tell you to change your name to WhenAChildIsBawntigga

sorry

[pippilongstockinglondon]

I have to stay I come from a family where we had enough money when I was a child and my dad always used to buy me little treats, so I would feel loved. Later in life, when I was a teenager, he also used to bring over plenty of good quality food whenever he was visiting (my parents are divorced). I suppose I'm looking for someone similar (generous).

No, he has never invited me to his place. Sounds suspicious. Strange I had never thought of this before...

[janelikesjam]

He sounds horrible.

The £2.50 made me laugh, honestly, did you make that part up? Perhaps there's something wrong with him? Or else he's just a piggish and crass beyond belief. I am sorry you even made him a slice of toast.

I wouldn't even waste 5 pence or 10 seconds of my time on a "seeya" text.

Next!

[Heleninahandcart]

For the avoidance of doubt, I would shrink his pants and bin him.

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

Here's a thought. Why not just turn up at his place unannounced? You may be surprised at what you find there....

[legoballoon]

Pippi, I wouldn't analyse your 'stinginess', but I'd analyse your own self-worth.

Here is a man who you've been seeing for 2 months, and you think you have to be a "good girlfriend" by preparing home cooked meals, doing his laundry, and putting out on his terms (as I guess he turns up at yours when it suits him?)

He is treating you like a doormat, and you're letting him.

Personally I would ditch him. If alarm bells are ringing this early on, he's not the one for you.

IMHO the idea that a man pays (because he's the 'provider') is outdated. But in any relationship where there is a discrepancy between incomes, you need to get your cards out on the table early on, and discuss how you're going to split costs, what sorts of activities are affordable etc. If you can't be honest financially, you can be storing up problems later on. I'm not talking 'full financial disclosure', but you need to talk more frankly about that aspect of your relationship too. I

t's crazy that we let people into our home, lives and beds, and yet find it difficult to talk about fairly fundamental topics. It's hard discussing stuff like that in the early stages of a relationship, sometimes you feel that it comes over as too 'intense' and or a bit premature, but you could still take some control along the lines of 'I'm cooking a curry tonight, can you bring the chicken breasts and some coconut milk' or whatever. Don't worry about 'losing' him - if he backs off because you start stipulating that he has to pull his weight, than good riddance...

[moodychops]

I'm not sure that he's 'tight' as such. It sounds like you take much more of an initiative than him in the relationship when it comes to meals/cooking. Since you are the one putting in the effort by planning healthy meals, buying groceries etc, it works out that you end up spending more money.

You could try having a chat about dividing bills for groceries, but I can understand that might feel too soon after a couple of months

[LadyClariceCannockMonty]

'he has woken up before me and gone to eat in a local caff.'

I'd expect even a one-night stand to wait for me to wake up before they left the house, let alone a boyfriend!

This alone is a huge no-no for me; he sounds like a tosser. Don't even get me started on the leaving you his washing thing.

[rach6122]

may be old fashioned but shouldnt a guy pay for everything on a first date, especially if he asked you/chose the place and if you are cooking he should definitely be paying at least half for groceries, either way you shouldnt be having to remember every little bit of money spent.

[izzyizin]

I'd be wondering if he's living at home with his dm or living with an ow who believes he's a travelling financial analyst...

Where did you meet this booby prize? Was it an online encounter?

[dawntigga]

HughFearnlyShittingFuck what a great seasonal name I'm off to change it now.

SorryAboutTheThreadHijackOpTiggaxx

[pippilongstockinglondon]

Yes, it was an online encounter. He seemed such a normal and lovely guy at first. Despite the fact that I had to spend a way more on our first date. It didn't seem important to me at first. Only after I have been preparing all these dinners, I started thinking about it.

[janelikesjam]

p.s. if you are "stuck in a dead-end job" OP, I really think it would be better for you to concentrate on yourself and what you would really like to do and go for that. This is a much better strategy for happiness and fulfilment than wasting your energy on idiots as above. Meanwhile cook for yourself, cook for friends etc, you sound like a good cook!