Don't give up work to be a SAHM unless

[akaemmafrost]

You have a HEFTY private income or can work from home.

I gave up work, usual reasons, wages would barely cover childcare, WE wanted kids to be at home with a parent.

Fast forward. I now have two dc, the father of my dc cheated on me, physically, emotionally and financially abused me.

One of my dc has SN and cannot attend school for the moment.

I've been out of work for 10 years now, I have no profession. In 6 years time our child support will stop as will most of our benefits. I will near fifty having not worked at all for 18 years.

My future is shit. Utterly grey and bleak. All I have to look forward to is a state pension. While my ex earns a fortune, travels the world and has new relationships.

This is reality for me. So think long and hard about giving up work to stay at home because no matter how shit your job is it's preferable to my future don't you think?

And it was all decided for me by a man who decided he hated me and didn't want to be married anymore and a child being diagnosed with significant SN.

It's that simple.

Kids are only in school 9-3.30pm weekdays and term times, very few jobs offer those hours so unless you are a teaching or lunchtime assistant it can be extremely difficult to return to work when the children start school even if you are a teacher.

I was quite damaged by my mum returning to work when I started high school and my brother started primary: a huge amount of the parenting duties shifted to me. It was not nice to come home from school, where I was struggling to integrate, being very badly bullied and sexually abused by a boy in my class and to have no-one to talk to and a family meal to cook. I don't think it is as simple as just going back to work when the dc start school, I think you have to make sure proper things are in place for the dc while you aren't there.

And to be honest being a "SAHM" has allowed me to go to uni which my dh has paid for and which should lead to me having a very good career when I return to work. Before I had dc I worked in a shop.

It isn't being a SAHM that is the problem it is not maintaining employability which I am doing through community work and uni. Also placing your life in the hands of someone who screws it up, which I have done but it is possible to come back from that and be fine. It is very unwise to plan for never working again.

you don't need a term time job,There are holiday play schemes
it's possible to work,majority do don't use summer hols ooh kids off cant work excuse
you plan adequately,use play schemes,and maintain working.like most working parents do

Not everyone has a holiday play scheme and not everyone can afford one. Our school doesn't and won't run a holiday club and the surrounding schools won't take dcs from outside the school. You have to be earning quite well to be able to afford holiday club and I have to say I'm not sure I'd be comfortable using it even if our school did run it. If it is anything like the after school/breakfast club they don't care about the kids, just had a warning because a child set a fire after they left matches laying around, the girl who runs it is always sat on her fat arse texting in the playground in the morning, they feed the children exceptionally poor quality food and just sit them in front of the TV to watch DVDs whenever I have seen them.

Why would you choose to put your child(ren) in a holiday play scheme if you could afford not to? They are a last resort, not a first port of call.

what will you do when you complete uni,and havevery good career
will you use childcare or only work term time,but still be available at 3.30
To maintain career youll need to pay for and plan childcare.like other working parents

I won't finish uni until my children are quite big but the whole point is so that my dh can reduce his hours/days and one of us can be at home most of the time.

how will you maintain vg career and balance childcare?what about holidays
genuinely,will you be able to start work after school start and be there for pick up
what career is that flexible?what about inset days?what general line of work are you planning

Did you read my last post, that dh is going to reduce his hours/days so that when I start work one of us will be at home most days.

And surely you are just making my point, that actually it isn't as simple as "just going to work when dc start school" because most workplaces do not accommodate family responsibilities.

Just thinking about this - I don't know any SAHMs in my generation! Many of our mothers were shafted one way and another. We were the first women to think of ourselves as independent. Most are still married to their first husband. Most of those are still happy together - often more so, now the DC are at uni or beyond and careers are winding down.

I realise my school, and subsequent career, meant my women friends were more predisposed to choose work. It's true, nonetheless, that attitudes have shifted (backwards, imo.)

Everything Emma says is so true. How did this message get lost, the next minute after it got heard?

I think my generation's been pretty shafted actually. In various ways. I don't see work as freedom or independence.

work gives freedom and independence to not be financially dependent upon another
that's the point the op is making,she didn't work,no career =dependent upon ex
I find work intellectually and socially stimulating I'm v fortunate.

Work will never give me freedom and independence from another because I have four children. I will always be dependent on a partner or the state to some degree and in fact because of low wages most people with children are not independent I would say.

Well, not always but definitely until the children are independent.

For all those who thinks that the ops situation is rare ; it aint. Many marriages end in divorce.

No matter how fab your dh and your marriage is it is a HUGE risk to rely on anyone finacially and moreover; why on earth would you want to. Sometimes I wish I had a rich dh to look aftre me bbut I do love having my own (albiet limited) funds. Plus personally I can't be completely fullfilled through my child; I need to do something else too. Before I went back to work properly I stayed at home and made jewellery to see; in the process I gained creative fullfilment and a new hobby.

Ladies; don't forget yourselves and your talents.

Offred, I'd say my generation was shafted by the "have it all" myth but that's much less of a burden than the problems inflicted on our mothers.

Independence costs money. If you depend on someone else for your money, you're - well, dependent. People habitually underrate independence in the same way we undervalue health: you really don't know how crucial yours is until it's compromised.

complete uni and attain as you say very good career you'll earn your own money
salary attained independently of your dp. your money and build your career
you'll go from one salary you depend upon as housewife,to earning your money

Heh, if I'd had a rich husband I would have asked for gifts of diamonds and property! Some people can win both ways, but not many

I've had my independence compromised and it wasn't because of being a SAHM. It was when I had a job and it was because I had an abusive partner.

Independence is the ability to make free choices about how you lead your life. Working does not necessarily confer that ability at all!

My Dh and I intend to be dependent on each other as we are now. He is dependent on me for childcare and me on him for money. Money is not everything and earning it through work doesn't guarantee independence. He is as trapped into work as i am into childcare. Neither of us is particularly happy about it and we are planning for and working towards evening things out. As the govt have withdrawn tax credits more women have become financially dependent on husbands/partners because families can no longer be dependent on the state. I think this is a bad thing but I think it is a mistake to think dependence on the state is independence, it isn't and as the arbitrary cuts show it isn't anymore reliable or secure than being dependent on a husband.

being housewife confers doendence.deoendece upon partner
if he ups and offs with twinky,gets 2nd wife,well the housewife is compromised
at least if you can support self,don't need man to support you there are other options

It doesn't though, that's why we're married. If he fucks off I'll be in a better position than I was before on benefits with debts of xp's and no contribution. I'll be entitled to spousal support and child maintenance and he would pay it, I don't think he'd fuck off either, but if he did, or I did I'd have a share in the house and be way better off in return for the investment I have made in raising his children I would be entitled to some of the investment he has made in his career. He's taken two promotions he didn't want in order to increase his pay, things aren't as simple as how you make it out, both of us are dependent in various ways, neither of us are very happy at how defined our roles have to be because of the way society is set up/various circs.

not as clear cut as you think.many 1st wife's feel aggrieved,not as sorted as you think it'd be
you've compelled your husband to take 2jobs he doesn't like?that's a big ask
will he expect you to take posts you don't like after uni,to support family.and will you?