Don't give up work to be a SAHM unless

[akaemmafrost]

You have a HEFTY private income or can work from home.

I gave up work, usual reasons, wages would barely cover childcare, WE wanted kids to be at home with a parent.

Fast forward. I now have two dc, the father of my dc cheated on me, physically, emotionally and financially abused me.

One of my dc has SN and cannot attend school for the moment.

I've been out of work for 10 years now, I have no profession. In 6 years time our child support will stop as will most of our benefits. I will near fifty having not worked at all for 18 years.

My future is shit. Utterly grey and bleak. All I have to look forward to is a state pension. While my ex earns a fortune, travels the world and has new relationships.

This is reality for me. So think long and hard about giving up work to stay at home because no matter how shit your job is it's preferable to my future don't you think?

And it was all decided for me by a man who decided he hated me and didn't want to be married anymore and a child being diagnosed with significant SN.

It's that simple.

I've never been able to get my head around women who have children with men who already have kids they don't support. Why put yourself in a vulnerable position with somebody who's already a proven prick.

A thought struck me, if it is society's problem in how we bring up our children, particularly boys, to then grow up - have children - and essentially abandon their children and the resident parent (as a previous poster mentioned). How are the current parents of these utterly spineless and pathetic men not just so so so deeply ashamed of their own adult off spring?

But they aren't (I think). They seem fully complicit. Somehow when the relationship breaks down, it becomes all about seeing grandchildren and not at all about how the grandchild's carer affords a loaf of bread to feed the child, or school meal, or expensive uniform, outside of the 'annual visit to a themepark with grans and gramps'.

In 9 months, my children have had 3 calls with their paternal grandparents (which I instigated and said please please keep in touch often after a friendly nice conversation). Not a card/email/text, not a present, not a call. Not an offer to help buy a piece of school uniform. Not a question about whether they are thriving or indeed starving.

And I did not have an affair. They even told me that they fully support me regarding the marriage ending as he as huge behavioural issues even they struggle with. I can't help but suspect they are supporting him in refusing to parent/support us.

I think it is the same as the child maintenance being paid does not count towards calculating benefits for the resident parent.

Basically, I suspect it came about because a fair few of these more hapless dads have form for giving up work/fiddling the books so they don't have to pay maintenance, and it was causing difficulties for the resident parent (month A = income £600, month B = opps he decided not to work income = £5, repeat). Call me cynical.

But you are absolutely right. The non resident parent has no responsibilities at all, and only rights. It is awful.

To see your children's dad swanning around in brand new designer Armani specs, having just come back from a jolly in vegas where he flew business. Hear the story about how he ran out of petrol in his mercedes E class on the motorway. And to get facetimed from a station on his spanking new iphone5 - and NOT GET ANY FINANCIAL SUPPORT FOR YOUR CHILDREN (and no visiting is too stressful, can't possibly be expected to drive to see them, that would interfere in the 14 hours per day sleep routine he has banked up, plus there is an interesting pub meet tomorrow night...).

That is what mindfulness & meditation was developed for.

Do you think mums get a short cut to heaven for being the people to be consistent and responsible in their children's lives. (Total generalisation with many assumptions).

Hah. Not easy? Believe me simple.

The stories I have heard of career city types (mine included) deciding to give up work rather than pay maintenance, it is unbelievable. Or downgrade jobs. there are so many ways to avoid paying maintenance, if you put your mind to it. If non res parents were happy to financially contribute there would have been no need for the CSA. These formerly nice partners, once the relationship is over, are quite able to emotionally detach from responsibility. Obviously not all men, but I would love to see some survey on how happy the non res parents are to pay a proportion of there income to raise their children. I bet it would be low.

I can't remember the stats, but I think my lawyer said that 50% or was it higher? of dads lose contact with their children altogether after 2 years. It is a vast number. Now do you really think these same dads want to pay for their children?

I'm just amazed at the number of men who turn from loving fathers who want the best for their children to complete fuckwits who don't give a shit what happens to them as long as they're not paying for it.

I think what happens is the DC have a relationship with their Mothers and yes we got all the trials and tribulations but also all the happy moments and little triumphs.

Awful Fathers ( as mine was and your XH sounds) get to stand in a wedding photo and rock up at various standard events. They dont ever really know their DC but although many say oh one day they will realise and feel so much guilt etc I dont think that happens often. I think they remain untouched by their actions and like teflon none of it sticks.

Pretty depressing to say the least

The kind of thing thats infuriating to me is the base line assumption, even in good contact set ups, that the Mother is 100% responsible and the time with the Father is sort of a favour ? For example my BFs XH casually on leaving yesterday said to her "oh by the way I cant have the girls on Fridays right through December". No discussion just the total assumption he can just do that. Which of course he can.

Anyway am getting off topic !

Well my ex pretty much sees dc as he pleases, it's regular contact, at least three days a week but I have to pin him down week to week and it's never overnight. All parenting and decisions are down to me, which is easier really as we cannot seem to discuss anything practical or Not Fun in a civil manner.

Eg it occurred to me this weekend that when he is away or busy (often) there is not so much as a phone call. I am away with dc this weekend and he's phoned a few times to speak to them. So he can choose whenever he has contact and we just have to accept that, if I deny contact for the same periods of time ie a weekend away then I am a bitch who is keeping him from his kids.

I want to reiterate here that he DOES pay child support. It's just spousal support he has issue with.

Too be fair he can only get away with no Fridays if she lets him, my friend will only communicate with her ex via email and if he pulls anything like that it gets printed off and shown at the next mediation meeting.

akemma Yeah, sorry- wasn't implying your ex doesn't pay child maintenance- I was just commenting on the many that don't, or who pay the absolute minimum they can get away with. I just don't get it- why do they not want their children to have as nice a life as they can afford to give them? Were they like that when still in a relationship with the mother, or does their attitude to their children change when the relationship ends?

So perhaps the law can't change what's happening- it has to come from social stigmatisation of those who don't pay when they can. Peer pressure is a powerful force. No-one wants to be a social leper. And ultimately it has to come from women- wives, partners and mothers. Have to say, if DH dicked me or the DC over financially, I know his DM would be down on him like a lead balloon- all credit to her.

I just can't get my head around how a parent can just not really care that their kids are living in poverty. There are mums on here, and many are lone parents, who are basically not eating properly so their children can, whilst the dads are on the run from the CSA. It makes me so angry.

Wow- maybe I just found my cause!!

When my husband left us for OW I went to visit in-laws with their only grandchildren as I wanted to keep that relationship going. FIL told me that if their son, my husband, failed to provide for the children they would not be stepping in to help me. What amazed me is ok that is fair but actually why were they not telling their only son that he was to financially provide for his children. I did leave their house thinking 'freedom'!! I gave up a ft well paid job to work part time, I put my savings into the house, I have a pension - he doesn't- so who now feels the financial fool!!! But I did it for love, family and us! I never thought I would end up so financially vulnerable and dependent on someone. More fool me.

I think that must be it, gettingeasier.

My ExH's parents are indeed the Disney Grandparents that are complicit in his being a bloody disgrace.

Yes, my DCs - now teenagers - are aware of how 'tight' he is, but that causes great shame and guilt in them but not of course in him.

I think the whole situation is a political inequity, and equates to financial abuse of woman and children on a large scale.

But a lot of couples are dependant on each other even if they both work. At one time when my children were small neither of us could have afforded to give up work and rely on one person to support the family and pay the mortgage. So even in a family where both people work partners are vulnerable. I must say I myself think both parents should be equally responsible for providing financial support.

Yep, Viviennemary, and if you split you would both have a reduced lifestyle.

However you would not rely financially on your ex to the extent of a SAHP who has not been employed in over a decade. It would be a lot easier to get a mortgage/tenancy

lets its a third of dads stop seeing the kids.

it is shocking how men think it is ok to not pay maintenance, and ok to try to get the family house sold to give them money, and ok to show disregard for their own childrens welfare when it comes to custody arrangements.

i think there should be wider public disapproval of these things but they just seem to be accepted.

Edgar a third is still shockingly high, and those are the stats for married couples aren't they, not all relationships.

I agree there should be a wider disapproval, and fathers should not have it so easy just to walk away from their children and responsibilities.

And I know that there are cases of perfectly nice dads being 'stopped' from seeing their children too. But I think that is easier to avoid through current law? Naive of me perhaps.

I was furious about the EMA not taking into consideraton the Father's earnings. I knew of people on £60,000 or £70,000 a year and their children were getting EMA. Because the children lived with their Mothers and not Fathers. It was totally unfair.

My own experience is as follows:-

Happy marriage, lovely husband, both with good careers. Had dd. Debated not going back but decided I'd give it a go. Dd didn't settle at nursery. Refused to eat there. Took it in turns to take the afternoon off so we could take her home for lunch attempt 2.

After 2 weeks she caught a nasty sickness bug from nursery. I caught it off her. Was just starting to think that the situation was untenable and something had to change when I got a phone call from dh. He had been made redundant. No warning. Statutory redundancy (ie sod all). Sent straight home.

But I had a job. And on hearing about it my boss immediately said if I wanted to up my hours that was fine with her. (I was working 3 days a week at the time.) It was a horrible scary stressful time. But we knew we wouldn't lose the house or starve or not be able to turn the heating on if it got cold. And that was a wonderful thing.

In the end we got a rather impressive lawyer who scared a big settlement out of his ex-employers. And dh got another job easily. And in the meantime he got dd settled at nursery. So it worked out for the best.

But I'll never forget the initial fear. Or the relief when we worked out we would be ok financially even if it took him a while to get another job.

I trust my husband to be decent. But neither set of employers have any loyalty to us whatsoever. And I dom't expect them to.

letsmakecookies, yes I am glad you mentioned good dads being prevented from seeing their children . You can understand some of them being tempted to withdraw financial support until access is restored

Feckbox no I would like to stress strongly, I absolutely do not understand some dads withdrawing financial support for any reason. It is childish, irresponsible, affects children's well being, and I cannot even be bothered to discuss that further the thought makes me so livid.