Don't give up work to be a SAHM unless

[akaemmafrost]

You have a HEFTY private income or can work from home.

I gave up work, usual reasons, wages would barely cover childcare, WE wanted kids to be at home with a parent.

Fast forward. I now have two dc, the father of my dc cheated on me, physically, emotionally and financially abused me.

One of my dc has SN and cannot attend school for the moment.

I've been out of work for 10 years now, I have no profession. In 6 years time our child support will stop as will most of our benefits. I will near fifty having not worked at all for 18 years.

My future is shit. Utterly grey and bleak. All I have to look forward to is a state pension. While my ex earns a fortune, travels the world and has new relationships.

This is reality for me. So think long and hard about giving up work to stay at home because no matter how shit your job is it's preferable to my future don't you think?

And it was all decided for me by a man who decided he hated me and didn't want to be married anymore and a child being diagnosed with significant SN.

It's that simple.

Kind of disappointed that I rose to it, instead of walking away

There's always time.

Yes. What a brave soul you are.
It's not that you are seeking to slant this as anti sahm because you can't or won't understand the points almost everyone else is making.
You are like a truth warrior. You should have a helmet and a cape. It could have a big A on it

It's not tosh Emma. And by the way, I did 'get what you mean' but I disagreed with the idea that women should never be dependent on their partner, a comment made numerous times on this thread. I pointed out that its not all doom and gloom. But ok, you win. It is shit. There's no way out. The past dictates the future and we are all probably doomed. Better? And yes, that was crass. But I just ran out of patience.

Have YOU read the thread AL because it's kind of moved on since my desperate first post. Feeling much more hopeful. It's just you that's regurgitating the same old crap.

Yep, that's right..

It was crass quite a while ago.

Women should be sahms if they want. Being a sahm is great. Thats why i am one.
They should just do whatever they can to set up some sensible financial measures in the event of disaster ,like insurance. That's not doom and gloom.
It's common sense.

Continuing to say that preparing for unforeseen problems - which includes illness or depression etc, not just infidelity and relationship break up- is doom and gloom is pretty immature and represents facile attitude to financial planning.

Liked your post olgaga - thanks for the

"I disagreed with the idea that women should never be dependent on their partner"

Ah, that's the crux of it then - I could not ever agree with the idea that a woman 'should' be dependent. There may be circumstances where it is unavoidable, but I can't see that it is a situation that any sensible person would promote or actively seek out.

But it's good to be clear on your view, and for everyone to understand what you are saying. Perhaps you could elaborate on the sort of circumstances where you think it would be a good thing for a woman to be dependent in this way?

Let me think...when she wants to be the full time carer of her children and can afford to because her husband is a high earner?! Or are we now saying that women shouldn't be stay at home mothers just in case something bad happens? Hell, maybe we just shouldn't have kids full stop, pesky expensive things! I have three kids and yearned to be their full time carer after years of being a wohm. So I became dependent on my dh through choice and with his full support. It is a risk. But if you work, in today's climate, unemployment and redundancy are also risks you take on and make plans for. Life= risk. I've got a pension, savings and life insurance which goes some way to protect the unexpected.

Emma, glad you can see a way forward. You face a horrible trade-off between acting in the interests of your ds with sn and yourself. None of us can help you decide what is best for your family.

I hope that in a couple of years, you will have found a way out

"Or are we now saying that women shouldn't be stay at home mothers just in case something bad happens?"

Um, I think you must be purposely missing the point really - the point is to protect yourself, as you say: "I've got a pension, savings and life insurance which goes some way to protect the unexpected."

So why shouldn't others be advised to take similar steps?

Very strange posts from you Autumn - almost as if you're in a parallel universe reading this thread.

Good luck OP - things will change, after some very dark times things are now much better for my DMum. She is much much happier now than when she was married.

Abitwobbly - hugs Your post was very moving.

AL - the problem with your posts is not that they 'disagree'. It's because they completely ignore any of the great points being made. You hold one point of view - women shouldn't consider their security but should hope and expect

There have been many views expressed here from women in all sorts of situations and most have said the thread has made them think. You haven't thought. You are just reiterating one pov and accusing everyone else of refusing to accept it. We differ from your pov. Get. Over. It.

I've been very moved by the different accounts of women in many circumstances - some are right for them...but scary. Others are wrong for them and they don't know how to change it. This is not a one size fits all. It is however a good cautious reminder to consider the consequences of your decisions.

No different to saying....life insurance can be useful....

No one wants to use it. No one expects to use it. Buying it does not affect your health. I don't have it...can't afford it (health issues) but do have alternatives to finance my children's lives if I die. So whilst I wouldn't answer oooh yes I'll get that... I would be able to say it's not for me but I do have it covered

Fucking HELL, where have I suggested that women should not be protected? Jesus. Disagree with me, fine. But don't pretend I've written something I haven't.

I have said on numerous occasions that women SHOULD be protected and take out insurances. This is what I have done. Repeat to fade. Repeat to fade.

why do people insist on staying on threads where they are not wanted? If i said something that offended lots of people i would just pop off... so please do!

I am not a sahm but I have always wished i was and thought my dh was terrible for not allowing us to struggle so i could give up my part time job.
BUT
This thread has really got me thinking.
I make good money for 3 days of work a week. I really do feel i contribute to my family and i can say to my dh that we r equal.
I am not sure I would feel that if I was at home...

how polite of you. That was my first post and you respond with that
Who would you say was the bully...

So why when other people on here say that, do you accuse them of being all 'doom and gloom' and anti-sahm.
Is it the cloak. Does it make it different when you post it?

Lovely......

seriously I just dont know why they stay????
They are not enjoying the thread, or getting and help or tips, or offering anything useful!

i get fed up of people like you creating ridiculus arguments that spoil threads.
ITS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU

to be fair sofedup, those who offered an 'alternative opinion' earlier on in this thread and wanted to engage in a debate, were shooed frightenedbullied away a long time ago and haven't been back since. Clearly I'm a masochist.

CarnivorousPanda Sat 01-Dec-12 19:13:56 truly excellent post.