Anyone there please? DP admitted to kissing someone in the pub.

[Owlfright]

I've namechanged as I'm worried my usual name is too recognisable to family and friends.

If there is anyone awake who could hold my hand I would be so grateful.

A friend told me this evening (sat) that last night my DP had been seen "snogging" another woman in a pub. He was out with some friends.

I've confronted him and he initially denied it, but then admitted it.

I'm not sure there is a word for how I feel- shell shocked shocked, sick, panicky.

We've been together 9 years and have a fabulous 5yo DS together. Things have been tense for a few weeks following a disagreement between us, but I fully expected us to be able to work through it.

He has said sorry, but I'm ashamed to admit he doesn't seem very sorry. I confronted him around 11.30pm fully expecting him to be full of remorse but he just kept referring to the fact that we've not been getting on.


I felt so angry that I had to get out of the house (DS is staying with my mum), I'm due to collect him in the morning. I drove round for a bit, and for some reason checked myself into a cheap hotel.

I'm there now, unable to sleep and frantic with not knowing what to do.

I know it's a cliche and people say its not so important but I'm petrified of turning our sweet loving little boy's world upside down. He adores his dad and would be devastated if he was to leave.

I can't believe this is happening, I don't know what to do.

[Offred]

It is really hard and sad for you if that is how you feel op I agree he doesn't feel like that about you or ds and I wonder if realising that may tarnish any family time you do spend together.

[Offred]

Although maybe I am being unfair to him about ds? Has he been better since he flounced off for a 6 month hiatus from parenthood?

[Owlfright]

Yes he has been a good dad to DS. Teaching him things, nurturing him, does school run if he's free, helps with homework.

The default person to do everything is me, but when He spends time with DS he is fully involved and hands on. DS is so on his daddy's wavelength.....

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

Dear Owl, your ds will take his lead from YOU. At the age of five this can be done without trauma to him if you choose.

I simply told my dds that mummy and daddy are going to live in two different houses now, and that they wanted to be friends instead of married.

When i was a child my brothers and I were all lined up and some long, uncomfortable explanation was brought forth by both my parents. It was dreadful and we couldn't wait to get away and think our own thoughts.

If you make it seem quite normal to your child then he will be fine.

Actually, nowadays, it is quite normal and most children know other children whose parents don't live together.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

I am sure he can still be a good father to DS should you decide to split up.

However, can I say that a truly good Dad respects the mother of his DC, is equally involved with his DC as the mother and also is happy to have the same amount of childfree leisure time as the mother.

[Offred]

Does he make time for him though? By doing the school run when he is free do you mean when he isn't doing his hobby? Surely if he has quit daytime working for his hobby you should be splitting the school run evenly? Does he do practical stuff like toilet, cleaning up sick etc or is that what you mean by leaving stuff to you? Lots of disinterested dads do the nice bits without helping with the hard work.

[LucettaTempleman]

This thread has saddened me.

I'm an only child, Owl. Parents divorced. I have no more issues than the next person.
I would say that actually, rather than a divorce affecting only children more than those who have siblings, it's the other way round. NOT splitting up and staying together miserably is probably more harmful to an only child, simply because of the closeness to the parents. An only child, without the distraction of other siblings in the home, is probably much more sensitive to the mood between its parents.
The saddest thing about the thread is that your 'D'H doesn't seem to even care about you very much, according to the behaviour you've described here.

[Offred]

Do you work? Is he expecting you to do all the shit bits because you don't?

And yes he will be fine when he has ds by the sound of it but if he doesn't make time for him now he probably won't if you split up, he'll probably be happy being a nrp with set hours of a small amount of contact and not really an equal parent. Does he realise if you split potentially he could be responsible for ds by himself 50% of the time without you picking up the slack?

I suppose I find it hard to reconcile the hobby/changing work hours and the 6 month abandonment because he didn't want to care for his baby with a person who is a proper father.

[Owlfright]

Lucetta you are so right, I hadn't thought of it like that before (despite being an only child of divorced parents myself). Thank you for your thoughtful insight. I'm scared I'm not enough for DS, DP is the life and soul most of the time, it feels like our family comes alive when he is around and DS loves it. I'm scared he will be unhappy as he gets older living at home with just his mum.

Offred, most of the day to day stuff is me. There isn't an equal division of tasks, I know that it's not ideal but I've managed fine so far. I can't imaging DP would want 50% access, he is 'busy' so much, has nowhere to go, and would struggle to afford to rent anywhere. So sadly for DS, if his dad leaves he is likely to have to rent a room off a friend which would make extended visits tricky (I've no intention of attempting to restrict access though).

We are going round in circles: me "I don't think I can get past this unless you are truly sorry", DP "unless we can sort out My working hours we can't live happily anyway", me: "that's a seperate issue, I think we could have compromised, now the issue is what you did on Friday" DP " we've barely spoken for 3 weeks, we were never going to sort it out". You get the picture.........

[Offred]

owl. It would be tempting for me to think like that about my twins (dh does split home tasks equally I am in bed with a really nasty cold and he is making tea for me just now after having looked after all the kids most of the day). The twins are always "no me want dadda to do it!" "Me want a cuddle with dadda!" "No me not want you, me want dadda!" Except when they are sick or scared and then they only want me. It is novelty and love how they are about dh but I know they love me and appreciate that I'm the one providing the foundation for their lives.

[Offred]

What does he mean about sorting out his working hours? Is he trying to say he is unhappy with work?

[Owlfright]

offred sorry you are feeling poorly, your DH sounds lovely.

By his working hours, he means the subject of our argument from 3 weeks ago.

[Offred]

He has bad points I posted a thread about yesterday! He is very helpful though!

Not sure the cheating is separate from the work argument because the root of both is him leaving the relationship and possibly the family. That's what he needs to explain and what needs to be address.

[ImperialBlether]

No, Offred, he wanted to change his working hours so he worked weekends and could spend time on his hobby new interest in the week. The OP said she and their son wanted to spend weekends with him. Apparently she was unreasonable there.

OP, he's an utter twat. You'd be far better off without him and I have to say your self-respect would rise if you dumped him rather than waited for him to dump you.

I hate to say this but generally people don't snog random women down the pub. They might snog women they have a date with or women they have previously had some sort of relationship with. I would put my money on that rather than her being a total stranger.

[GhostShip]

He said I was being silly and should just sleep in our sons room

For that comment alone he is a bastard. You are not being silly, and I think he should be the one forgoing the marital bed since he's the one who's done wrong, the cheeky sod!!

I hope you're feeling okay, you've been given some fantastic advice. And remember that you've done nothing wrong.

Sometimes its a good thing when parents split, better that a child living in a strained household x

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Bluntly your dp sounds like he was teaching you a lesson for not gladly going along with his ideas of developing his hobby into a business at the additional cost of sacrificing family time. You'd gone off sex for the past three weeks because it's not always easy compartmentalising when feelings run high.

He came back when DS was an infant and you've been hoping the three of you could be a settled family. It wouldn't be surprising if you've never quite felt sure of him.

This time he uttered the words but the apology never rang true because I bet he thought if you're given a shock you'll not risk rocking the boat and losing him for 6 months or longer this time. Of course if you don't give in, and he leaves to save face, he can tell anyone else, it was all a mistake, he was under the influence, he apologised but Owlfright overreacted and wouldn't listen to reason.. ie your fault!

Either you call him on it or if he resorts to this kind of strategy every time he wants his own way, and you cave in for maintaing the myth of happy families, any self respect you have dies a little.

You're already working hard to cover overheads so if he thinks scaring you into climbing down by snogging some random female is going to work I hope you can tell him a few facts of life. He has all the comforts of home with you and DS and perhaps he's forgotten the bachelor life means paying his way, all the domestic stuff he takes for granted, along with all the fun bits.

Of course you want to shield DS and keep his world as he knows it stable and secure but you sound a very warm capable person, DS can still see daddy and have fun with him.

[LittleEdie]

I can only imagine the frustration of a DP who says an argument about working hours is in any way comparable to an argument about snogging someone else. You have my every sympathey.

[SlightlyJaded]

From everything you have said Owl, your DS is the only reason you're not chucking his clothes out of the window

I understand totally.

But. Being a good Dad and living in the same house are not mutually exclusive. Your H can continue to be a good dad with a close and loving relationship with his son from anywhere. It wouldn't be the life you imagined, but no doubt, the ideal didn't involve your H snogging people down the pub and scheduling his hobby work in a way that avoids family time.

The sad fact is that the 'lovely life' you are clinging on to doesn't exist at the moment and unless you do something decisive now, you are giving your H the message (and teaching your DS) that you will just roll over. Because right now every thing your H says and every action is screaming ' I want out but I'm a coward so you do it'

A drunken snog may or may not be forgivable. But he is not asking for forgiveness so you can't give it to him. The only way to salvage any respect and therefore have a fighting chance of a healthy relationship in the future (if that's what you want) is to put your foot down now and say "you are not sorry, so leave"

I suspect he will leave. And then he will want to come back. This will give you time to process your thoughts and make sure that if he does come back it is on your terms. Or at least on a level playing field.

[CuriousMama]

You can have a better life if you split. I doubt you'll ever trust him again?

My sister should've left her partner years ago. Her dd,only child, now grown with dcs of her own, was affected because sis stayed. His problem was drink which he died of. But still the fact that she was an only child meant she had to deal with the dysfunction on her own.

I left my exdh over 6 years ago. DS2 was 6 and also hated change. Yes he wasn't very happy about it but it's all turned out for the best. I'm with an amazing dp who is great with dcs. Exdh sees dcs every weekend. He tends to spoil ds2 most which is bloody annoying. DS1 is very bright so has sussed him out. He's closer to me. But they're both happy lads. All I'm saying is yes, you ds will no doubt feel the change but will soon get used to it.

Your 'D' p sounds like a prick. And a selfish one at that. You deserve happiness.

[Owlfright]

Thank you do much everyone for your thoughtful, wise posts.

I went to see a friend thus evening and we talked and talked. I can't decide what to do, but it was good to talk. I am lucky to have such a lovely friend.

I told DP I couldn't sleep with him in the bed. I'm shattered, and if he's next to me I'll be alternately restless and trying to talk to him.

He's still adamant that he felt things were irreconcilable given that we couldn't agree on his work hours, and for him this is the bigger issue. He insists he has said he's sorry.

I've explained as clearly as I can that we could most probably have come to a compromise on the hours, and the kissing on Friday is by far a bigger issue and that I'm not convinced he is at all sorry.

I think that he's furious to be on the sofa (small sofa, tall man, dodgy neck). I actually do feel bad about it, but I'm well aware it's the right thing to do.

I can see the wisdom in asking him to leave as a few posters have suggested. But I don't think I can do it (apologies if this is frustrating to read), I know him, and I know if I reject him like that he won't entertain the thought of trying to make things work. Maybe I might feel differently in a few days.

I should be at work tomorrow, I'm tempted to call in sick, but it would be a bit dishonest.

Thank you again for the amazing support, it has carried my through a horrible 24 hours. I will pay it forward.....

[CuriousMama]

Owlfright you are sick, emotionally. So call in sick and rest.

My best friend was recently dumped (now back with him ) He dumped her in a pub brave soul he is. She was so distraught. She took the next day off and I took her out on the piss. She couldn't have gone in she was a wreck.
I know you haven't been dumped but he's made you feel ill. Be kind to yourself.

And I hope he gets a stiff neck

[CleopatrasAsp]

Owlfright, the way you write makes it sound that you are completely at the mercy of this man. He has you right where he wants you. He's already left you once so you are too frightened to 'rock the boat' too much and ask him to leave for a while. His snogging another woman so obviously in a place where he was bound to be seen by somebody - I don't believe the crap that he didn't think anyone would see - was clearly to punish you for not going along with his mad 'business' plan. He is an arse of the highest order and I bet that there is loads more negative stuff about him that you haven't revealed here.

You sound lovely by-the-way, you deserve so much more.

[Gennz]

so let me get this right ...

• you work full time and cover most of the bills;
  
• you also do most of the domestic work;
  
• when your child was a baby your "D" P chucked a strop when you got frustrated at him for not pulling his weight and stayed away for six months :shocked: to hammer the point home (i.e. punish you);
  
• he unilaterally decided to change his work, for no additional money, for work that will take him away from the family & mean he is even less able to help out with childcare/domestic chores;
  
• when you objected tot his he threw another strop, sulked for 3 weeks, and when you didn't give in, snogged someone at the pub.
  

why have you not packed his bags? he sounds utterly awful.

Plus he is not a good dad. A good dad does not flounce off when their child is a tiny baby because the child's mother asks them to help out a bit.

[Owlfright]

Cleopatra do I really sound "at his mercy", sounds so weak!! gentz I'm know that if I sent him packing "for a bit", he wouldn't be likely to come back, taking it as a sure sign that I don't want him anymore.

I've found the advice on here so helpful, I hope that posters will still feel able to help me even if I don't seem to be able to throw him out as suggested.

It sounds so simple "pack his bags", "tell him to leave", but the reality would be a massive and traumatic change for DS and I. So it's not something I could do lightly.

If I did it, saying it was "for a bit", while he worked things out, what on earth would we say to DS? Daddy has gone for a bit, he might be back?

He's not listening to me, or taking in what I'm saying. Maybe it's deliberate but I'm afraid it's because I'm not explaining myself properly. I try to tell him how I see things and what I want, and he then says "I don't know what you want".

So I'm thinking of writing him a letter. That way it's there in black and white- how u feel, the situation as I see it. I can't force him to read if but at least I'll know I've tried.

If anyone wants to suggest any wording, feel free.......

[Doha]

Something along the lines of

you cheated without remorse and have no respect for me or this family. It appears that your own happiness and your hobby takes precedence over everything else in your life.
So for the above reasons can l ask you to revaluate your priorities and if you can't put DS and our family before everything else may l respectifully suggest that you fuck off-and don't come back..

just a suggestion