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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel like a terrible wife...

72 replies

MrsHelsBels74 · 25/10/2012 05:04

I have a toddler & a 5 week old who was born by crash c-section. Am still quite sore around my wound area. Earlier I woke up to my husband being all loving, rubbing my back, cuddling me, kissing my neck etc, which normally would be lovely but at the moment I am horribly sleep deprived & I just wanted him to get off me. In fact I was praying our baby would wake up so I'd have an excuse to get away.

I feel bad as he was only trying to show me some affection, but he has form for being unable to just cuddle & kiss without trying to lead onto full sex, which is where I thought this was going. I just seem unable to show him any affection at the moment, I do love him but there is a 'but' that I can't put my finger on.

Sorry I'm waffling but I'm tired & just needed to get my thoughts out, it seems so trivial written down though. Do you think this is just a post baby hiccup or symptomatic of bigger problems?

OP posts:
Hyperballad · 25/10/2012 05:09

It doesn't sound trivial to me. Have you explained to him all this? How much you hurt, how long recovery will be and that you still live and want him?

I know we like to think we shouldn't have to explain this kind of stuff to our DP's and they should just get it, but they don't, so we do.

Hyperballad · 25/10/2012 05:10

*still love not live.

TanteRose · 25/10/2012 05:27

Come on, any normal person would realize that purposefully waking up a sleep-deprived, post-op mother is NOT ON! Bloody hell, if my DH had done that to me, I would have gone fucking ballistic Angry
He can show his love and affection for her during the day, by making sure the washing and cleaning is done, so she doesn't have to struggle.

It makes me cross that we excuse some men, because they don't "get it". Of course they bloody get it...most men are not like this, because they are halfway decent human beings

Grrrr Angry

CaliforniaLeaving · 25/10/2012 05:27

5 Weeks after a c-section I would have jumped out of bed an woke the baby myself. It took me ages to get back to being intimate after I had mine.
Maybe you do need to explain this too him, some men have no clue, I know my Dh didn't know anything.

Hyperballad · 25/10/2012 05:38

Hang on Tante, it works both ways, there are quite a few things that I don't 'get' when it comes to my DP, and if he sits down and explains stuff to me then I can understand better and therefore react more appropriately to the situation.

treaclesoda · 25/10/2012 05:38

you are not being a terrible wife, you are exhausted and probably in pain. As a grown man he should be able to work that out for himself. Don't doubt yourself.

TanteRose · 25/10/2012 05:43

Like what, Hyper? An example, please, of where you could be as dense as this OP's husband is being

CalamityJones · 25/10/2012 05:50

What was his reaction when you didn't reciprocate?

Hyperballad · 25/10/2012 05:52

Well I have decided to make an effort to shut up moaning to him and elliviate as much pressure off him as possible. This comes from me having a moan at him the other morning about several things I was unhappy about which I realised were not all that important when he explained to me how hard it was going to be this month to pay all the bills and how he is doing his best.

So I suppose you would argue that I shouldn't have been so dense in the first place and should have just 'got' that situation before ever opening my mouth.

(sorry op, didn't mean to hijack your thread, hope you are feeling ok)

nooka · 25/10/2012 05:54

You are not being a terrible wife, but please do talk to your dh about how you feel. Communication is incredibly important when you are both adjusting to life with a baby. It is very very easy to assume that your other half knows how you feel, but he is not telepathic and you are both in very new territory. It is I think very easy to shut down when you are exhausted (I know I did) but it can be very damaging to a relationship if it becomes the norm.

nooka · 25/10/2012 05:56

Sorry, didn't notice until I just posted that you already have a toddler. Doesn't change my advice though - it was when I had our second that dh and I really went though a bad patch and for much the same reasons. I found having a toddler and baby (I also had a section) just exhausting mentally, emotionally and physically.

CalamityJones · 25/10/2012 05:56

Although I hope that most men wouldn't need to be told that waking their wife up for sex at 4am five weeks after having a baby might not be the best idea..

TanteRose · 25/10/2012 06:02

Hyper, you were not being dense in that situation - you just didn't have all the available information Smile

If your DH had been working all hours for a month, and had already indicated that things were tough at work, and THEN you started moaning at him to buy a new car - now THAT would be dense Grin

OP, hijack over...hope you can sort things out

Fairylea · 25/10/2012 06:23

5 weeks after an emergency c section ans your husband is waking you up for cuddles / possibly sex..... wtf?!!!

That is SO not on!

I would have gone mental. The baby should be the only thing that's waking you.

My sex drive didn't even begin to return after my section until about ten weeks afterwards and for some it's much longer.

pumpkinsweetie · 25/10/2012 06:49

You are not a bad wife op, but you do need to speak with your dp.
Communication is very important so he knows what you are feeling and how tired you are.
Men seem all to eager in returning to sexual intercourse, not realising how much having a new baby affects you mentally and physically. Lets be honest a man doesn't know what it's like to give birth nor does he experience most of the things associated with having a newborn hence the reason you sometimes have to drum it into them.
Speak to him op

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/10/2012 07:47

"I do love him but there is a 'but' that I can't put my finger on. "

The 'but' is that he is selfish and inconsiderate. If he has a track record of assuming that any physical intimacy always leads to sex then what you may have dismissed as 'lusty enthusiasm' in the past, you probably now realise is not right. It is not being a 'bad wife' to say no to sex - and that's regardless of whether you've just had a baby or not - but the fact that you see yourself in that light is clearly what you believe. It is being a 'bad husband' however to be so inconsiderate and expect sex whether your wife wants it or not.

Talk to him, explain how you feel and judge him by his actions and words. Any hint of sulking or accusing you of being a 'bad wife'.... unacceptable

Helltotheno · 25/10/2012 08:36

Tell him to dust off his right hand and move to the spare bedroom for as long as it takes...

Lueji · 25/10/2012 09:04

Tbh, at the best of times, being awoken to have sex would have led to a sharp elbow and a few choice words.
To do that to a woman in pain and sleep deprived, is just selfish and thoughtless.

He needs to be told it's not on, and kicked out of bed if he persists.

FootLikeATractionEngine · 25/10/2012 09:08

Did you talk to him a couple of weeks ago when you wrote the other thread? What did he say?

Sounds stalky, but i don't post much but did on your thread which is why I remember.

Original poster
MrsHelsBels74 · 25/10/2012 09:48

He says he wasn't after sex last night, he 'just wanted a snog then he'd go back to sleep'. I told him I didn't trust him not to try & take it further & he said he was hurt by that and that he knew I'd let him know when I was ready. To be fair to him he didn't take it further after I kissed him but to be totally honest I didn't even want to do that but did to get him to leave me alone.

I did try chatting to him after my other thread & he seemed to get the message, and he didn't try to lead it to sex last night, but isn't it normal to not feel like any sort of intimacy at 3am when you're sleep deprived?

OP posts:
olgaga · 25/10/2012 09:59

It is not normal to wake up a sleep deprived woman recovering from major surgery at 3am for a "snog".

It is selfish, thoughtless and really heartless behaviour. What on earth was he thinking?

I would have been absolutely furious!

olgaga · 25/10/2012 10:02

Frankly I can't believe you feel like "a terrible wife".

He is a terrible husband!

What's this guff about "communication"? Is he really so stupid he doesn't understand that 5 weeks after a second baby, delivered by crash c-section, things probably won't return to normal for a while?

Why should the OP have to spell this out to him?

He sounds horrible.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/10/2012 10:03

You don't have to be sleep deprived not to want to be woken up at 3am - for any reason. Doesn't matter if he wants a snog or a chat about 13th Century Literature, just because he's woken up doesn't make it OK to wake up others.

Lueji · 25/10/2012 10:29

Normal behaviour would be to snuggle up to the person and try to go back to sleep.

Lancelottie · 25/10/2012 10:38

I well remember saying to similarly dense DH, after he'd protested that he just needed to know that I still lovedhaving sex with him', that 'I love mountain walking, but not at bloody 3 a.m. after no sleep for weeks!'

I think he tiptoed away from the crazy sleep-deprived woman before I went and got my crampons on...