How and if to let go of a very old friend.

[Mummy66]

Long story and don't want to give detail but for some time have felt the friendship was one sided- me doing more than her. We've been friends for 25 years and she knows more about me than anyone. But her behaviour is erratic- blows hot and cold. We had a disagreement something and I think she is now holding this against me in a passive-aggressive way- she's withdrawn further from our friendship even though I have tried to build bridges. I don't want to be treated like this - I feel she's being controlling in a very manipulative way, only giving me as much of herself and her life as she feels she wants to, keeping me at arms length, letting me down with arrangements etc etc, putting a lot of time into other newer friendships, I don't want this. I've been a good friend in the main but I I don't need her in my life behaving towards me like this.
A frank chat- or just distance myself and not return calls quickly, not suggest meeting? What?

The latest problem is obvious though, isn't it?

She thinks you were out of order for what you said to her about her behaviour towards her husband and when you put her on the spot, was honest with you that you upset her. You stuck by what you said and defended your right to say it and only expressed regret that she got upset about it.

So she's still pissed off with you about that.

But the bigger picture is that this sounds like it was the last straw. There must have been a build-up to that and from her perspective possibly, lots of similar incidents.

You say she's got lots of new friends. If they've met you or heard about this latest disagreement, maybe they are getting her to evaluate you and the friendship with new eyes?

A lot also depends on whether anything in her life has changed recently, but you didn't reply when I asked that before. Did her marriage break up for example?

I agree with the distancing yourself. I also like the idea of when she phones for professional purposes you say "hit busy at the moment, will cl you later". Then call or don't.

I think you have been littleMissSteady in her life for a long time and she is taking it out on your friendship the issues in her life ( and you didn't worship and agree with her 2 months ago so she's got a sulk on).

I would cool it, might kick start her into thinking about how to treat people - with respect and manners.

I think all the advice about distancing is spot-on.

However, I do know that if it's obvious, my friend will notice- she's not stupid.

If, every time she rings, I'm "busy" and stop phoning her, or suggesting we meet, it won't be long before she asks what's up. She will also take it as confirmation that I am ot a nice friend, because I'm " sulking" after she didn't phone me when we were away.

So- preparing myself for her questions- would you be frank? Or just carry on saying I am " busy"?

You see although she can behave as she does towards me, she won't like it if I do the same back.

So what if she doesn't like it?!? If she calls you on it, just say you're not happy with how she uses you. You've managed to be confrontational enough to have a direct conversation with her asking why she didn't show up/call you at a certain time etc, so I don't see why it should be such a leap to just talk about your friendship and say that you feel she only contacts you when she needs you and you're not happy with that.

You're obviously very afraid of changing the status quo in this friendship, even though her reaction to you calling her out on how she treated you (complete silence followed by asking you work questions) should really have raised red flags for you about where you stand.

Is she your only friend?

Well, yes, I am not happy about changing the status quo because the friendship has lasted many years and she is DS godmother- and I met my DH through her.

She knew she had done something unacceptable because when she called me she said "Hello it's X here" whereas normally she's just say "Hi" or "Hello" without saying her name- it made it more formal.

I also think she contrived the time of the call so she was up against a deadline to do something- and therefore had to "dash"!

I asked her in a kind of semi- joking tone "Hey, what happened last week- you said you'd call me?"

She didn't ignore- but she waffled about not being sure of my timings and whether we'd cross over. All rubbish as we'd discussed timings beforehand- and why didn't she text or call me to check anyway?

Yes, I do have other friends- but she is my oldest and closest friend.

op I think you are saying that her role in the relationship has changed (ie become less) - rather than saying as some posters suggest, that you want her to increase her role from what it was before?

Anyway I think you have 2 choices, forget about your friendship with her, consider her an aquaintance who you used to know well, and move on - no need for any complicated games or tit or tat.

Or, arrange to meet her and talk about it - if you want to know you have tried your best to save what was once a lovely friendship , then this is the course you must take. Buy you have to be prepared to hear that she has moved on, or to hear her convincingly claim all is fine, and then carry on being off with you like she is now (dunno why people would do this, but its happened to me before)

FWIW- what has changed is that she has 2 neighbours who she has become very close friends with- One is single and recently retired, hates being alone, is exceedingly rich and generous, so they spend a huge amount of time together including holidays.

Her relationship with her DH may have ended or not- it's changing from day to day and I am not up to date. There are issues there and other people she is friendly with may be offering more sympathy than I have at times. That's not to say I don't care for her or about her- I'm just not prepared to be sychophantic and agree 100% with her take on everything all the time.

Sorry Mummy, but you sound like hard work! If your meeting last week was so important to you, why did you not call her? From your last post, she clearly has alot going on in her life.

You say "Her relationship with her DH may have ended or not". You don't seem at all bothered about how this may be affecting her, you are just concerned about how her life has an impact upon you. Maybe the "new friends" that you are so resentful of, are being a bit more supportive.

I think it's easier to just be honest. Lay your cards on the table and you both know where you stand.

Lying to someone - I'm busy, not right now... may be easier for you, but it's (pardon the bluntness ) cowardly and more hurtful for them. Have the difficult conversation like the mature woman you are and everyone knows exactly where they are.

She doesn't sound like your oldest and best friend, from what you've posted about your interactions. You both sound like long-standing friends but whose lives and interests have changed considerably so that the friendship is now very difficult to continue. Does she actually see a lot of your DS, even if she is his godmother?

You also sound as if you have now got so frustrated with her doing more taking than giving that you are starting to get snippy and slightly unreasonable with her - for instance, with the recent meeting where she didn't call. I would bet that in other circs, you'd have phoned the person regardless of whether or not they were supposed to ring you, just to move things along - but because it's her and you're currently irritated by her, you passively-aggressively waited, knowing that would probably mean you didn't meet up and then it would be her fault.

It's a tricky one to solve, but I think the least damaging option all round, and one that leaves the door open to reconsider later, is to back off for a while. Don't make any moves to meet her for a couple of months. If she calls, either let it go to voicemail or have a short conversation and then say you'll have to go. The aim here is to convey that you're not angry at her but you're not chasing after her either, and neither are you giving her loads of your time/attention. Then take stock after a couple of months of breathing space.

She's just not that into you now sadly. People change and therefore friendships change as well. When you find yourself chasing someone - don't. If the friendship is meant to be then they'll make an effort, if not then the friendship will fade away naturally. You can't make someone love you just like you can't make them be your friend. It's upsetting but it's a part of life.

The fact that she's not keeping you updated on her life is really a sign of where you stand with her don't you think? I can see where you're coming from OP but it's a very rare person who'd come up to someone and say 'look we're not as close friends as we were once. I'd just like to scale things back a bit'. So basically you're not going to get that from her. In view of that, just control the things you can control... if you see her number coming up on your phone, let her call go to voicemail and call her back later... or not at all sometimes y'know? Stop making yourself so available to her.

You're having difficulty letting her go but an old friendship does not necessarily = a good, mutually rewarding friendship. I have three 'old' friends and I'd have to say, they're not my best friends, and even nearly ended up not being my friends any more because to a woman, when they had children, they became kid-obsessed and boring and didn't seem to be able to relate with anyone not in their situation. You can bet I wasn't sharing details of my sex life with them . OK we're still friends now, but it's tenuous, and mainly based on the fact that I now do have kids. My better friends are ones I met when I was older and, be they married, gay, single etc, I just have more in common with them.

If you love someone, let them go... cliche, but true of every relationship imo.

You've had at least one thread about this friend before haven't you OP?

Can you also clarify something. Is this friend godmother to your DD and your DS- you've used both terms on this thread?

I said on your other thread that I think your friend probably now thinks you're a 'frenemy' and not a friend. She's obviously been having a tough time and you upset her with some ill-timed comments about what (in your view) were her faults, that contributed to her marriage break-up. What came out on that thread was that you'd thought for a long time that she'd had her husband's exit coming to her- and more or less told her so. As I recall this came after she'd criticised your own behaviour about something.

So she's surrounding herself with people right now who only have her interests at heart- and not those who want to settle old scores and score points off her.

What's blindingly obvious from this thread alone is that she doesn't want you as much as you want her and you've either got to accept that or keep chasing a relationship that is very one-sided. Lots of people have suggested you have it out with her and try to clear the air and others have said keep your distance and play her at her own game. There aren't any other options other than you telling her you want to end the friendship- and that wouldn't be the truth.
It would be like dumping a bloke just because you want to be the one who finished it- but not being able to kid even yourself that's what you wanted.

For whatever reason this friendship is more important to you than longevity and godparenthood, or you wouldn't be so pre-occupied with it. It seems to me it's filled a role in your life that you might not be willing to admit- perhaps she's someone you've felt superior to in some way and that's helped you feel better about yourself? I haven't had the impression from either this thread or the other one, that you genuinely like this woman- yet you seem desperate to hang on to a friendship she clearly doesn't want any more. That makes me think that it has propped you up in a way that you would miss- and it is this loss you're mourning- not her as a friend.

OP I know eff all about you.. which is why I have to ask the question, do you fancy her?

It is possible to Google posyers. I Googled my own posts out of curiosity. I am inclined at this stacge to agree with Beth.

No reason other than I remembered posting on the other thread- and the circumstances were virtually identical, or too similar to be just a coincidence. It's fair enough too if the OP wants to start another thread as an update to the last- but I don't think everyone else should be expected to have amnesia.

Its just that op has only posted on Mumsnet on this thread, Beth. So you must have known she name changed.

No not at all. Couldn't remember the username used on the last thread for the life of me. Until you suggested otherwise Mintyy, I assumed the OP names were the same for both threads.

I'd just let her be for the time being, and try and make some new friendships if you can. Get a new interest or take something up again that you used to be interested in and meet new people. I think you've done all you can with this friend and I wouldn't not speak if she contacts you but I think you should take a step back from her. For your own good.