New baby, huge row with my mum :( Sorry, longish.

[GreatBigRow]

Am a bit embarrassed asking this (so have NCed) but have any of you found that having a new baby has made relationships a bit more fraught with other family members? Background: I get on really well with my mum on the whole, we usually have a good laugh and she can be very supportive. She can also be selfish and a bit childish especially when she's tired but tbh we all can.

Basically I have had a row with my mum who was up staying with us last week to help out post-CS and it seems to be escalating. Parents were just leaving and apparently I had been 'snappy' with her (8 days of constant pain and sleep-deprivation will do that to a person - and tbh DH and I replayed whole episode afterwards and couldn't see what I was supposed to have said that set her off ). She just went mad and had a real go at me, said some really nasty things, including that I was 'horrible'. DH and I were both although he said she was probably just a bit tired and on edge about leaving us. I was angry but assumed she would be embarrassed and realise she was out of order, we would just let it go and move on.

Thing is - she hasn't. In fact, her and my dad have completely re-written the whole incident casting her as the victim and me as some kind of villain. They were supposed to come up over weekend to see baby and instead of being sheepish she started laying down conditions for her visit - e.g. that I was not 'allowed' to ask them to keep their voices down when baby is sleeping (they are shouty by habit, not in an angry way, just really LOUD. I did this twice in a 5 day visit to give you some perspective and they argued that it was better to be noisy). No mention of her having a go or the things she said or how she said them (with real venom :( ). I am so angry! Even DH who is always a peacemaker is pissed off and finding it really weird but he is telling me to be careful not to escalate things.

The trouble is she was so out of order that I can't possibly see a way of letting it go - because she might feel it's okay to do it again. If I confront her it might escalate things. At the minute they are angling to come and see us again and I just don't want to see them. I'm too angry and this is really out of character - I tend to be a 'get mad, have a 2 minute rant and rave to DH / trusted friend / on paper, forget the whole thing' person. This is days later and every message they send or phone call they make they send more self-justifying / self-pitying bullshit and I am getting madder and madder.

I know I probably need to talk to her but she has re-written things so much that it will just lead to a bigger row. It's like she has blocked the actual memory of what happened. I honestly don't know what to do. DH wants me to rise above it and normally I would try but I am genuinely too fucking angry. I couldn't sit in my home and look at her and know that she thought it was okay to talk to me like that - I felt like she kicked me when I was down after days of being in pretty much constant pain, breast-feeding and surviving on snatches of sleep. The house is genuinely calmer and quieter without them and DH's parents are coming up this week to help out. I don't want to keep them away from baby but just finding it really hard to stop being angry and I'm not normally a grudge-holder.

Sorry this is long Was actually quite cathartic writing it down. If anyone has been in this situation please tell me how you resolved it.

And Attila you are right to mention that dad went along with her - I was really pissed off at him actually as I thought he might have been the voice of reason in all this. Don't worry, I live life very much on my own terms and live quite a distance away from parents - I think what has hurt about all this is that I was feeling so weak (physically) and vulnerable when it all happened. Things will get easier now that I am beginning to heal physically - they'll know I'm not relying on them and they therefore need to be nice to be around if they are coming up.

Your baby is a few weeks old-she won´t miss her GPs!

If you feel you can´t deal with them-then don´t until you are ready.

I would tell them I was upset at the row that took place when they visited (so acknowledging there was a row but not blaming them outright) and say you'd like them to come when you are a bit more able to get about post CS.

And take ages to respond to txts and emails (your are busy with baby).

And give it a few weeks or months.

To be fair, I'd be straight with them and make sure they know that their behaviour was unacceptable. Otherwise they will feel entitled to act like that again.

I fell out with my parents when my DC was newborn. I felt very let-down and unsupported and it definitely made me re-evaluate my relationship with my parents both as a child and as an adult. I previously thought I had a close relationship with my mum in particular.

I agree that perhaps you should send a message stating that you are busy with other visitors etc and make sure you are feeling upto the next encounter with them. I found that as I managed fine with the baby and with support from DH and MIL that I now feel that I am less vulnerable to my parents' behaviour. It is just sad that I wasted so much headspace on my selfish parents at such a precious time - so please try not to dwell on or worry about your mum - focus on your gorgeous new baby!

Oh dear. Similar happened with my own DM as I dared to ask her not to phone landline (to phone mobile instead and I'd phone back) and she refused/made a huge deal out of it.
Other issues too including total lack of acknowledgement that I had just given birth, was in pain (stitches took 1 hour), sleep deprived and getting to grips with a new baby.

I didn't see it coming either. I though she'd be caring/helpful but she was unsympathetic and not good at the nurturing type stuff (with me not baby).

I was furious and I needed to protect myself so withdrew, unplugged phone and reduced visits. You are right that you need to make sure you are 'in charge' in your own house/ with your child.

My MIL was an overbearing nightmare too.
2 years on things are more or less back to normal. It may take time but stand firm.

Im already strengthening my resolve/working out 'our rules' for my next birth in 8 weeks. The main things are:-
1.Stating time frames for visitors before they decide themselves

1. Not needing any 'help' in 1st 2 weeks
2. Not feeling guilty about going to bed (with baby) when tired of entertaining.

It's mad how common this is Thanks for sharing your experiences!

if you do text her keep it simple. re: still healing from cs and getting used to breastfeeding and being their for baby 24/7 so really don't have the energy for drama now. will get in touch with you about visiting when things have settled down.

then if you get more 'drama' you just respond with simple repeats re: i don't have the energy for this - please respect i have enough going on right now without unnecessary drama.

there is nothing bad or selfish or contentious in those statements - it is purely reminding of reality and stating your choice to focus on priorities.

UPDATE: Can't quite believe this. Things have got more mad not less mad. Sorry, again this is long - if you get to the end I'll give you a trophy.

I didn't send the text yesterday, just lay low. Mum texted this morning to ask had I seen the email she sent DH (I was like WTF, why DH not me?!), that she really missed me, they could come up today and bring me some stuff I need. All sounded promising, thought she might have come round.

DH checked email and we were both It was basically 2000 words of self-justification and listing all the evil things I had done. She had listed about 5 times that I had snapped at her over the 5 days and described in detail how this made her feel (one of them I felt bad about actually - it was believe it or not - when I told her not to eat all the poppadoms as DH and I liked them too. Yes, really... but I can see this might have embarrassed her in front of DH, I just said it without meaning to hurt her which it obviously did :( ). She also said that after 8 days I could not use CS pain or hormones as an excuse for being snappy - no, she has never had a CS She added that her and DF had gone home feeling 'bereaved' by the whole row instead of celebrating the birth of DD.

And the fact she emailed my DH?! It was like she wanted to try and turn him against me :( It backfired horribly because he a) didn't read it and b) was that she had dragged him into it and upset me. So I sent an edited version of the text from yesterday, just adding at the end that I felt like she had kicked me when I was down.

DH and I took DD out for lunch and it was lovely. I saw him get a text when we were out and he had a funny expression but put phone away and we had nice afternoon. When we got home he admitted she had texted him, forwarding him the text I had sent her 'in case he hadn't seen it' (he had, I ran it past him). She also had apparently emailed me again and CCed him in since I had said 'we have a different perspective on what happened' so apparently he thought the same as me.

Another email, this time a mixture of 'we love you so much how could you be like this?' and listing again out outrageous I was. The thing was this time although I was angry I actually saw the funny side. DH was furious - why is she heaping stress on me when I have new baby to manage?! And why did she zone in on the 5 or 6 unpleasant moments in 5 days and forget about all the lovely moments?

Anyway to conclude: I emailed short message saying that we would have to agree to disagree, that they were welcome to visit on Sunday (when DH and PIL will be here - it will help to keep things civil I hope) and that I did not want to discuss the whole episode but wanted to draw a line under it. I also thanked them for helping last week and said we would look forward to seeing them on Sunday if it suited them. No reply since.

I feel like my life has strayed into soap opera / bad Greek tragedy territory Have I handled this right or made things worse?!

tangerine and swallowed - thank you. Tangerine - know exactly what you mean about the vulnerability making things worse and throwing things into perspective. It is somehow so much worse when you need support. Honestly think mum did her best to support me and probably felt like she had worked damned hard at it - it's just she's not naturally very good at practical support, better at chatting and laughing. MIL is much better at practical support.

Swallowed I like those statements and will use them. I sent a very measured reply making it clear I was not going to engage in discussion either by email or phone. The lack of reply makes me think that this was not well-received...

Agree to disagree & draw a line-yes.

Welcome on Sunday-well they wouldn´t be with me tbh.

If you get on well with ILs, I´d let them be having some nice time of their own.

Although your parents probably won´t visit if they can´t have all the attention.

But having to "share" might be another reason to get dramatic.

It´s all about them, isn´t it?

Yes diddl it is all about them :( In fact the whole 2000 word epic email was all about how awful they felt about what I had done to them. And that alright yes I was in pain but that was no excuse

I feel like I'm seeing something more clearly than I ever saw it before :(

Oh and ILs are here all week so they will get lots of time with DD. They are also very unselfish, especially MIL and wouldn't see it like that - unlike mum.

I wouldn't have them in the house if it was me. They are treating you despicably. I would tell them that they were welcome to visit when they stopped sending me nasty messages and trying to cause disharmony between me and my husband, and after they had apologised. And not before. They are essentially marking their territory.

I think the way your mother has tried to enlist your husband in her campaign against you is pretty unforgivable.

She sounds really, truly horrible to be carrying on like this at such a special time.

Oh dear and oh my god, you poor thing. I'm agreeing with other steps here about the strange effect becoming a gp has on, it seems, more mothers than I realised...
My mil was particularly bad, and actually on reflection, I think she had such a precise mapping out of how it was all going to be with the arrival of darling gc, she'd forgotten the small matter this was actually our child, we'd gone through a very long labour, and were, like you op, feeling slightly frazzled.

Honestly I would keep my dignity, leave the responses to the bonkers emails to a minimum, and then, in week/s or month/s time when you are ready, you send a neutral but consolatory letter

Eg

Mum, I was so disappointed and upset by what happened after dc was born. As you know, we'd gone through an exhausting time, and like any new parent, have our own ideas on how we want to do things. We hope you respect this. Things are going really well, and dc is a delight. I'd like my mum back and I am sure you'd like to see gc so why don't you come for lunch next week.

Love op

Maybe?

Neither confrontational or taking it lying down?

Steps? Steps?! Posts!, sorry iPad not keeping up

Wow what batty behaviour !! However my mum did ignore me for 12 weeks after I'd had dd because I didn't post a birthday card, two days after I'd given birth, she didn't see dd till she was 4months old

But she is really narcissistic and when I asked her to not argue and be nice she chose not to. It's difficult your relationship will change and maybe she doesn't like that. The only choice you guys have is how much you want to deal with it.....at least you don't live nearby !

Yes it must be quite a horrible realisation.

Easier said than done, but if you don´t enjoy time with them-don´t see them very often.

Your daughter won´t miss out by having a distant relationship with them.

Far better a good one with GPs that are really interested in her.

And that they have tried to come between you & your husband.

They really are assured that they are completely in the right.

Baffling.

I´d have to be very, very, very in the wrong for my husband to side with my ILs against me!

I feel for you. My own relationship with my DM was not perfect and in hindsight it was probably a good thing that I moved a long way away, even now I suffer from judgement by my DB as to how I brought up my children. (that though is another story!).

I am glad you have the support of your DH.... I would give it some time before I would let your parents come back again. I think you have handled this in a very mature way but do think it would be wise to keep your DP's at arms length for a few months at least.

I cannot see what you will gain by having them around so soon? The feelings will be just bubbling under the surface ready to emerge at the slightest trigger. I don't think she will be able to help herself, am almost convinced that she will say something inappropriate and stir it up again.

Is there anyway you could have a gap of a few weeks? I really really think the dust needs to settle, time is a great leveller. Hopefully you will both gain some perspective in a few weeks - you will be stronger and she may bring her manners.

Maybe seeing them with your PILs there is actually a good idea though. Are your PILs the type to be gentle with you, making mention of how they understand how tired you must be after your CS and getting used to no sleep/ being a new mum etc? Perhaps your mum might listen to what they're saying?

Congratulations on your new baby and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Is your Mum by any chance menopausal?

Mine had short periods of absolute lunacy when she was going through it, whereas she is normally delightful. Again, she accused my sister and I of being selfish and hurtful for no reason (e.g. my sister refused to fly home from Los Angeles to see the new living room wallpaper - cue massive tantrum).

Then she came out the other side and has no perspective on how bonkers she was.

(Disclaimer - I am not saying all menopausal women are loopers!)

I liked the "draw a line under it" email suggested.

bless you!

if dh doesn't want the emails/texts to continue i suggest he sends a simple reply along the lines of perhaps it's better you communicate directly with dw, hope you are well, type thing. he doesn't have to say anything confrontational in order to make clear that he won't be dragged into it and it's inappropriate for them to try.

as someone more used to weird dramatics and unreasonable behaviour from their mother i would say that they tend to blow and blow and get nowhere with their antics and then it all blows over and they act like nothing happened.

you've done your invite (generous of you imo!), the ball is in their court. if they choose not to come don't say anything. if they're kicking off in the future about not having gotten to see dgd enough you can point out they were invited and didn't turn up.

keep on with seeing the funny side! it really is a sanity saver ime