Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

1 2 3

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

so low is husband having affair ??

61 replies

katty19 · 02/10/2012 10:27

sorry to botheryou guys im after some advice as i dont have anyone to talk to. Basically i woke up one morning to find a text message on my husbands phone from a number not in his contacts, It said ' Your face when I got out my dildo out made me cum.' as you can imagine i was totally horrified. He grabbed te phone rigyht off me went into the bathroom and deleted the message the reappeared saying he must of got the message as he when on a porn site the night before. on his i-phone. He expects me to believe this im just devistated as we have 3 young boys 4 3 and 1 . Then yesterday he got a text from a customer saying i made you a bacon sandwich on friday but i did not know your new address to deliver it too xxx i could be inocent but the 1st message has made me paranoid.
I love him dearly but he works long hours and we have just bought a new house so we are both under stress we have little family time together

OP posts:

Report

PeppermintPasty · 02/10/2012 11:29

The thing is, if he is cheating on you, what do you think your reaction will be? Sadly, you already know that something is going on, you just don't know the specifics. What do you want to do about it? -That is meant kindly, though looks harsh.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/10/2012 11:32

Has he always deleted his history or is this a new thing? If its a new thing then I would be a bit suspicious. How does he react if you ask to borrow his phone?

katty19 · 02/10/2012 11:34

hi peppermintpasty. We have just bought a new house its really stressful , we are staying at my mums while we redecorate it etc we have not had sex for a few weeks. He says it was the porn site and its my problem i dont believe him . Basically hes trying to turn things back onto me as when we first met 10 years ago i kissed another guy while we were datingi was young and stupid. But we were not married then and i do regret it basically he says im as bad as him so to accept his explaination or leave. I have basically put all my money into the house so how can i leave. Also he made me get a job at sainsburys as he said we need the money which i did and now i never see him at weekends as im working and he takes the kids.

OP posts:

katty19 · 02/10/2012 11:38

i Really love him I have thought about leaving but what woud that do to the kids they love him my famiy all think hes wonderful but i have not told them anything.

OP posts:

katty19 · 02/10/2012 11:39

chaz it is a new thing . I asked him why his phone shows no history and he says ther is something wrong with his phone.

OP posts:

PeppermintPasty · 02/10/2012 11:40

Oh love, it doesn't sound great. Firstly, what he has done is in no way the same as kissing someone ten years ago. What a crock of shit! That's guilty talk, and of course you realise it.

What's the thing about him forcing you to get a job all about? Do you mean you were both forced because of financial pressures? Could you afford to give the job up and see more of each other, see if there is something worth salvaging?

As for giving you an ultimatum, what bloody cheek! If it were me, I'd be calling his bluff and telling him to come clean or leave.

His treatment of you is not acceptable or usual in an equal relationship.

katty19 · 02/10/2012 11:41

I have just ploughed all my saving into the house. I feel a fool the thing is without the savings i am trapped

OP posts:

PeppermintPasty · 02/10/2012 11:41

I would confide in someone in real life if you can. Don't soldier through this alone if you have a supportive friend or family member out there.

BethFairbright · 02/10/2012 11:41

He's lying to you and is trying to put the blame for that on to you. Stop blaming your sex life. He'd have done this anyway and this behaviour has clearly been going on for more than 'a few weeks'. Unearthing your 10 year-old indiscretion is really scraping the barrel. Don't let him do that - it's got nothing to do with his behaviour now.

If you put up with this and stay with someone like him, he will think you'll put up with anything.

PeppermintPasty · 02/10/2012 11:43

Go and see a solicitor. Get some advice about the assets of the marriage. Without that knowledge you are fighting a battle blindfolded. It doesn't mean you have to do anything with that info, it just means that you are armed with the facts.

katty19 · 02/10/2012 11:45

we managed before without me having a job for the past 4 years. basically i dont feel like this an equal relationship he is very controlling when it comes to money basically he is self employed and he is still as busy as a year ago but ony puts into our account 2/3rds of what he did a year ago . I question what is he doing with the rest of the money spending it on her ?

OP posts:

MadAboutHotChoc · 02/10/2012 11:46

You can tell him to leave if that is what you want - he made the choice to check out of his marriage so it is not your fault.

He is responsible for you and his Dc financially - so I would find out what you are entitled to financially and legally (ie. tax credits, benefits, CSA etc). See CAB and a solicitor offering a free half hour. Hopefully someone will come on here and post some links with more info.

MadAboutHotChoc · 02/10/2012 11:47

You will probably be better off financially without him.

PeppermintPasty · 02/10/2012 11:50

This is all a bit shocking innit katty? Take it all in, take your time digesting stuff on here, and don't let him treat you so poorly. You and your children do deserve better you know.

BethFairbright · 02/10/2012 11:50

He sounds controlling full stop, never mind with money. He wants to control your thoughts and judgements too and for you to think it's you who's unreasonable for being upset by his disgraceful behaviour.

Knowledge is power. Get some legal advice fast. If he's self-employed, I'd bet my house that he's hiding money from you, as well as other secrets.

katty19 · 02/10/2012 11:56

He would never leave and give me the house he said this in the past I would have to go.i dont drive so he knows i cant just take all the kids stuff and go I have been taking driving lessons to recently,

OP posts:

MadAboutHotChoc · 02/10/2012 12:00

No, you do not have to go. That is why you need to get advice - there are ways of getting him to leave. By law, as the resident parent you have more rights than he does with regards to the house, finances and DCs.

The law is on your side.

katty19 · 02/10/2012 12:03

thankyou i think i should look into all of this. I never realised I have the right to stay I thought we would have to sell and split

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/10/2012 12:05

My advice is to play it cool for now. Don't make a big deal about the text etc. Then quietly get some proper advice on your rights to the home and support from him. Make sure you have details of all the bank accounts, any paperwork showing his business income etc take copies of everything and ideally stash it with someone you trust. That way if things get worse he can't pretend he hasn't been earning etc because you already have all the proof.

You don't have to leave the house just because he says you do. His word is not law.

BethFairbright · 02/10/2012 12:17

Are you an officiate of his business i.e. company secretary? If so, you have the right to see his business accounts and can also keep track of any cash jobs with which he's defrauding the economy as well as you, no doubt.

If you are the children's primary carer, he won't get the house but you can't make him leave it either. As you're married though, it's a joint asset and you can force its sale. You can however kick him out of your parents house and put a legal charge on your owned property, so that even if he takes up residence, you can sell it and get your share without his consent.

katty19 · 02/10/2012 12:35

thankyou for your advice I will try to look into this further

OP posts:

skyebluesapphire · 02/10/2012 12:37

please dont let him do this to you. Whatever happened 10 years ago, is no excuse for his behaviour now. He is using that so that you accept his excuse and blame yourself and stop looking at him....

There is nothing wrong with his phone..... the first thing that they do when they have got something to hide is to keep the phone on them at all times, delete all texts, emails etc.

Your H cannot make you sell the house until your youngest child is 18, unless the house is too big for your requirements..

Get advice from CAB, Womens Aid, Working Tax Credits (find out how much you would get based on your sole income). All of these things will help you to become strong enough to deal wtih this

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

MadAboutHotChoc · 02/10/2012 12:52

Yes, do keep your cards close to your chest. Pretend that you have accepted things as these are while you investigate your options.

jessalwithlove · 02/10/2012 12:52

I have to agree it may have been from a porn site' As alot of these adverts for phone skype sex have a text service It would have to be a 121 service. They continually send messages to entice d man back. Although I dont no how id feel him openly interacting watching masturbating with another woman' 3 yg DS's or not...

fiventhree · 02/10/2012 12:58

As yes, Kat, the 'you are as bad as me' line.

When my own h was finally caught out lying about other women for nearly six years of our 20 year relationship, do you think he blamed himself at first?

No, he pointed out that within the first six months of our relationship, and well before we got married or had children, I had on one night slept with someone else. He was told about it by me voluntarily, albeit not immediately.

Kat- did that justify him lying to me for six years and spending most nights and often when I was out in the day, doing what he did, chasing young girls online? Did it justify the lying and also the irresponsibility of his late nights and late mornings and leaving everything to me, as he pursued his fantasy?

No, it didnt, did it?

And what you did ten years ago was even less than that.

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.