so low is husband having affair ??

[katty19]

sorry to botheryou guys im after some advice as i dont have anyone to talk to. Basically i woke up one morning to find a text message on my husbands phone from a number not in his contacts, It said ' Your face when I got out my dildo out made me cum.' as you can imagine i was totally horrified. He grabbed te phone rigyht off me went into the bathroom and deleted the message the reappeared saying he must of got the message as he when on a porn site the night before. on his i-phone. He expects me to believe this im just devistated as we have 3 young boys 4 3 and 1 . Then yesterday he got a text from a customer saying i made you a bacon sandwich on friday but i did not know your new address to deliver it too xxx i could be inocent but the 1st message has made me paranoid.
I love him dearly but he works long hours and we have just bought a new house so we are both under stress we have little family time together

[Abitwobblynow]

Zorra have you left anything out! Like 'it is a little picture of a sun in the left top corner' (yes I am that bad). Took SEVEN attempts to set up my messages PIN and message on a blackberry this am! [Sigh]. The computer kept saying 'goodbye' (didn't have to add the 'you moron this is going nowhere and I am tired of repeating the same instruction').

[Zorra]

On an iPad it's settings -> under the connections etc theres a little icon of safari -> advanced -> website data. Unless they have turned on 'in private browsing' it should come up.

[maleview70]

Maybe different versions have different setting tabs. Think mine is iPhone 4 though can be sure. Advanced on mine as at the very bottom o the page after safari.

[Abitwobblynow]

I have a mac book, he has an ipad.

So how do I find it on an ipad?

[Abitwobblynow]

System preferences also. I am very lo fi you have to explain as to a moron. Like 'look in the bottom right hand corner'.

[Abitwobblynow]

Where is settings? I have clicked on the apple and 'Safari' and don't see settings.

[PeppermintPasty]

Thanks. Nothing here though. The last thing at the bottom of the safari page says "developer", and above that "clear history/clear cookies/clear cache". Odd.

[runmumrun]

scroll down, 'advanced' should be at the very bottom of the safari page, open that and 'website data' is next page opened

[PeppermintPasty]

maleview I have an iphone and when I go to safari I don't get anything saying "advanced" or anything like that. I am a bit lo-fi but how do I get to the advanced bit?!

[katty19]

Ok I'm going to look at his phone when he gets back tonight as what you are describing is quite hard to find in the phone if you don't know. I agree it could be from a website but he must have had online sex for them to send one ?

[maleview70]

If he has iPhone and you can access it then go into

Settings/safari/advanced/website data.

This will show you all the sites he has been on unless he has deleted them which most people don't because they don't know about it.

It may back his story up.

If not I would say "ok I want to believe you but show me what site you were on and show me how they send a text to you."

It's very suspicious and if he is self employed builder/tradesman opportunity will come his way from time to time.

[fiventhree]

As yes, Kat, the 'you are as bad as me' line.

When my own h was finally caught out lying about other women for nearly six years of our 20 year relationship, do you think he blamed himself at first?

No, he pointed out that within the first six months of our relationship, and well before we got married or had children, I had on one night slept with someone else. He was told about it by me voluntarily, albeit not immediately.

Kat- did that justify him lying to me for six years and spending most nights and often when I was out in the day, doing what he did, chasing young girls online? Did it justify the lying and also the irresponsibility of his late nights and late mornings and leaving everything to me, as he pursued his fantasy?

No, it didnt, did it?

And what you did ten years ago was even less than that.

[jessalwithlove]

I have to agree it may have been from a porn site' As alot of these adverts for phone skype sex have a text service It would have to be a 121 service. They continually send messages to entice d man back. Although I dont no how id feel him openly interacting watching masturbating with another woman' 3 yg DS's or not...

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Yes, do keep your cards close to your chest. Pretend that you have accepted things as these are while you investigate your options.

[skyebluesapphire]

please dont let him do this to you. Whatever happened 10 years ago, is no excuse for his behaviour now. He is using that so that you accept his excuse and blame yourself and stop looking at him....

There is nothing wrong with his phone..... the first thing that they do when they have got something to hide is to keep the phone on them at all times, delete all texts, emails etc.

Your H cannot make you sell the house until your youngest child is 18, unless the house is too big for your requirements..

Get advice from CAB, Womens Aid, Working Tax Credits (find out how much you would get based on your sole income). All of these things will help you to become strong enough to deal wtih this

[katty19]

thankyou for your advice I will try to look into this further

[BethFairbright]

Are you an officiate of his business i.e. company secretary? If so, you have the right to see his business accounts and can also keep track of any cash jobs with which he's defrauding the economy as well as you, no doubt.

If you are the children's primary carer, he won't get the house but you can't make him leave it either. As you're married though, it's a joint asset and you can force its sale. You can however kick him out of your parents house and put a legal charge on your owned property, so that even if he takes up residence, you can sell it and get your share without his consent.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

My advice is to play it cool for now. Don't make a big deal about the text etc. Then quietly get some proper advice on your rights to the home and support from him. Make sure you have details of all the bank accounts, any paperwork showing his business income etc take copies of everything and ideally stash it with someone you trust. That way if things get worse he can't pretend he hasn't been earning etc because you already have all the proof.

You don't have to leave the house just because he says you do. His word is not law.

[katty19]

thankyou i think i should look into all of this. I never realised I have the right to stay I thought we would have to sell and split

[MadAboutHotChoc]

No, you do not have to go. That is why you need to get advice - there are ways of getting him to leave. By law, as the resident parent you have more rights than he does with regards to the house, finances and DCs.

The law is on your side.

[katty19]

He would never leave and give me the house he said this in the past I would have to go.i dont drive so he knows i cant just take all the kids stuff and go I have been taking driving lessons to recently,

[BethFairbright]

He sounds controlling full stop, never mind with money. He wants to control your thoughts and judgements too and for you to think it's you who's unreasonable for being upset by his disgraceful behaviour.

Knowledge is power. Get some legal advice fast. If he's self-employed, I'd bet my house that he's hiding money from you, as well as other secrets.

[PeppermintPasty]

This is all a bit shocking innit katty? Take it all in, take your time digesting stuff on here, and don't let him treat you so poorly. You and your children do deserve better you know.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

You will probably be better off financially without him.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

You can tell him to leave if that is what you want - he made the choice to check out of his marriage so it is not your fault.

He is responsible for you and his Dc financially - so I would find out what you are entitled to financially and legally (ie. tax credits, benefits, CSA etc). See CAB and a solicitor offering a free half hour. Hopefully someone will come on here and post some links with more info.