My mother hates my husband (long)

[badtoworse]

I don't live in the UK. DH is from the country we live in. Mum came to live here (divorced and then later my father died) some years ago in a house a short drive away. Soon decided it was a big mistake and that she hated it, then to complicate matters then injured her back and became really unable to manage living alone. We sold my house and we moved in with her. All coinciding with me starting a new business venture and DH becoing unemployed. DH has bascially been unemployed (except for a couple of short contracts) since then. When we all moved in together DS was 20 months (now 4.5) and we've since had another child who's 1.5.

Before we all moved in together I was about to go back after mat leave and all set up (at her suggestion) for mum to have DS while I worked and DH at work. DH lost his job three days before I went back but mum said she still wanted to come up in the afternoons cos she wanted to see DS. She (much later) claimed DH had sat on the coputer and let her do it all. He said (we had a big row about it then) he only sat on the computer while DS napped.

My business has been slowly dying a death so I'm going to be WOH from Monday (previously ran busness from home). Yesterday I had meetings all day. DH supposed to be looking after DCs for the afternoon while I'm out.
I told him not to let my mum do too much, to imagine she was not there as it's too much for her. When I came home I asked mum (who I saw first on coming in) how things had been and she pulled a face and said tell you later.
Asked DH if he'd let DS just spend the whole afternoon with my mum and he said, only a bit while DD asleep..she slept for almost 2 hours. Then I ask mum and she says that he'd sat on the laptop and told DS he couldn't play as he'd wake the baby up and she'd felt bad so spent 2 hrs entertaining DS while DH sat on laptop.

I was really pissed off as I'd asked him specifically not to do this and we had a row.

He says she's exaggerating and that he can't believe I'm questioning his parenting abilities/calling him a neglectful parent and talking about him behind his back. He says DS wasn't with her the entire time, he was in and out and he didn't tell him he couldn't play, just that he had to be quiet as the baby was asleep.

She says he's a lazy git and it's the same old shit as all those years ago, she's had enough and would go back to the UK if she had the money. They've been avoiding each other all day and I feel totally caught in the middle.

I'm so angry that he did exactly what I asked him not to but I can't stand this atmosphere, it's like I'm being asked to choose, my husband or my mother.

[2rebecca]

Of course you aren't. Why would you live with your mum? She has a bad back she isn't totsally dependant and needing nursing care. The "poor me" stuff would just irritate me. "Of course my husband affected my relationship with you, he's my husband. Accept I'm an adult with her own family and stop trying to come between us mum"

[voile]

Btw I'm not suggesting you are to blame for this, but just highlighting how you can end up behaving to accomodate others bad behaviour, and it all feels normal iyswim. You are really stressed about leaving your dh with your mother, you really shouldn't have to go through this at all and she is not your responsibility, you are not her parent x

[badtoworse]

I have wondered if she was "toxic" before. It's funny, she goes on about how my GM came to stay when my brother was born and I was 3. I was ill and my dad was back at work as soon as she came out of hospital (and was a useless alcoholic anyway). My GM took offense at something or other to do with my dad and stormed back off to Ireland, leaving my mum with an ill 3 yr old, a newborn and no help. She didn't speak to her for years after that.
And yet, when DS was born (before we lived together) she came and stayed and then took offence at something DH said about how DS cried so hard he looked like he was angry..something innocuous like that...turned it into this huge thing and pitted her and me against him and then stormed off, leaving me crying and begging her not to leave like that.
She'd say it wasn't the same though I'm sure.
She has ruined our relationship, although not in the way she thinks it's been ruined.

[badtoworse]

though I'm not so sure

[2rebecca]

Agree your mum is behaving more like a needy adolescent than an adult. She needs to take charge of her own life and her own happiness and stop trying to attach herself to your life as an unwanted second spouse by following you round the world and wanting you to prioritise her over your husband.
She needs to get out of your life and get more involved with bouiling her own life and steering her own boat not being a sulky passenger on yours.

[badtoworse]

My plan is to try and get DH to get some way of earning, he says he's spoken to a friend who does telesales who might be able to put in a good word, although they're not recruiting. I'm going to take any translation I can manage and try and downsize as much on bills as poss, been looking into changing phone providers. All to try and position us so that the next time we are in a position to live apart if necessary.

[2rebecca]

Must admit though if i moved abroad to be in my husband's native country and he then proceeded to fail to find a job for several years leaving me as sole breadwinner and unable to afford a house without moving back in with my parents I wouldn't be staying in that country but would be moving back to the UK.

[2rebecca]

Why are you trying to get your husband some way of earning? Why isn't your husband getting his finger out? It's his country. You seem to be carrying alot of lame ducks around with you who are incapable of sorting their own lives out and having an independant existence.

[badtoworse]

When we bought the house, it was with money I inherited from my dad and DM helped out too. We also had a mortgage. DH was working. The company then lost its main contract. He has had short term contracts since then, but nothing stable. If she hadn't decided to come here we would almost certainly have moved to the UK. We were thinking of moving to the UK or the capital but then I was made permanent (unusual in my field) and he got work and then she said she wanted to live here, it all seemed a good idea. Later, he lost the job, she got less and less able, I branched out on my own and did really well and then it all slowed with the crashing economy and ground to a halt.
In hindsight I should ever have bought the house and should have gone back to the UK before having kids, but hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it?

[badtoworse]

Sorry, phrased badly. I didnt mean I was going to be looking for him.

[SuoceraBlues]

...but would be moving back to the UK

Your hypothetical ignores they are both parents of the children, but one of them is abroad and can be stopped from taking her children out of the country should the other not wish to go and live aborad or have his children go abroad.

Moving back to the uk is not just her descion to make.

Another reason why the marital relationship could do with not being put under additional pressure at this already difficult time. It's tricky enough when both parents are "at home". Lots more potential spokes in wheels when you are not.

[2rebecca]

What were you thinking when you moved in with your mum though? Were you really planning to insist your poor husband lives with his mother in law for the next 30 years or whatever?
Moving in with her just seems strange as she doesn't sound like a frail 80 year old.

[badtoworse]

I didn't see what else I could do, I thought it would be OK and I didn't feel I had any option. I've always felt this huge responsibilty to "look after" her and make everything OK, which isn't healthy and has got me into this mess. When we moved in I used to lie there thinking...oh God, this is for the rest o my life. But I was in too deep by then.

[badtoworse]

She's only 68 but she's quite frail in that she's fairly knackered physically. Neck, knees, back, shoulders and can't walk far. fairly housebound. I'm not sure how she thinks she'd manange by herself in the UK actually, especially as she can't really drive any more.
The other hard thing is she's always been prone to depression.

[QuintessentialShadows]

I remember some of your earlier threads, and it is good you have permanent work now, that the translation is not going as well. Did you manage to set up a freelance web site? Are you offering your services in the UK? I am sure there are some uk businesses who might need translation into your language (which I imagine is very hard for an elderly lady to learn!)

I agree that the entire mess seem to be because you and your husband are tied to your mother for financial reasons. You are living a place you cannot afford, and where neither of you can find work.

We had to leave Norway and return to the UK because our work situation became difficult and intolerable. For many reasons, we would have preferred to stay, but everything became so difficult that we had to leave.

Incidentally, I have an old friend who is a "State authorized translator in Your Language to Norwegian, and vice versa, and she runs her business in Oslo". And just the other day I heard about a company who had been offered to sell their services in Your country, but decided not to because the cost of translation would be too tricky. Dont underestimate the need for translation - I suspect it might be a case of you not being able to market your freelance translation business well enough? If so, there are plenty of skilled mumsnetters you might be able to team up with, under the Freelance Topic.

Sorry, I am going off on a tangent, and replying to issues you had ages ago. Sorry!

[2rebecca]

She's your mother. If anyone feels an obligation to look after the other she should be feeling it to look after you. Plently of frail people manage living on their own. If you weren't there your mother would have to manage. She could go on for another 20 years. Also the more you make her dependant on you the less will be able to do.
When your father died and she talked of moving back you should have helped her find sheltered housing in the UK and told her you'd visit. She has a house she can sell so still has the option of moving back and getting sheltered housing whilst you and your husband sort your own finances out.

[SuoceraBlues]

I'm not sure how she thinks she'd manange by herself in the UK actually, especially as she can't really drive any more.The other hard thing is she's always been prone to depression.

My mum was early 60s when she left here. My sister ordered her to the council offices and told her to tell them she was homeless. Which she was, cos my sister is made of sterner stuff than me.

Becuase she was older, but not so old that she couldn't manage a single flight of stairs, they found her a place on the first floor of sheltered housing immediatly and sorted all her benefits for her. I was getting this all second hand from my sister, but I do remember it was all really quick. Later she came into some serious money. They let her keep the flat but she pays her own rent instead of housing benefit doing it. Or something along those lines.

Becuase quite a lot of older people can't manage stairs apparently there is not the same sort of shortage for the first floor flats. As an immdediate solution it worked out fine.

Might be worth looking into to see if the place she left has the same availability in sheltered housing. At least until she can free up the money from the house. But maybe by then she will have settled in to having the company of the other tenants and the security of the manager who checks up on every body to make sure they are OK.

[CleopatrasAsp]

I think you need to stop all this. You've been your mother's confidante/shoulder to-cry-on/rescuer for far too long now. She is an adult and needs to make her own life - and not make you the centre of her whole world. When people concentrate all their attention on one person it never ends well because not only does the other person feel stifled and claustraphobic, the person themself feels resentful that they are so dependent, which means they often treat the other person quite badly. It is an unhealthy state of affairs. I feel really sorry for your husband and I believe that the poster above who suggested that your mother is trying to bring about her own circumstances in your life (no husband etc) is right. You need to protect your own family unit and please doen't give in to the histrionics and emotional blackmail You need to move heaven and earth to find a way to live elsewhere. Good luck with it all.

[nkf]

I think the mother is getting a bit of a rough ride. She might very well be as difficult as a frail, elderlyish woman can be but the situation is terrible. There is not enough money, they're stuck together, a long way from "home," in what sounds like an isolated place. It would bring out the worst in anyone. Deal with the practicals I'd say. Identifying her as "toxic" isn't going to help you. Deal with what is real. You have used her money, you're an adult who can't afford to live independently and so on. Easy to see how it happened but no need to lay it all on her. It's bad luck really. Make plans. Practical plans.

[badtoworse]

All kicking off again, similar to last time. She doesn't approve of DH's parenting in the evenings when I'm out and then tells me about it (won't tell him) but then forbids me to say anything, meaning nothing changes. I could see it coming as she's been a bit low just recently and this is what happens, she's gets down and it's as if she's almost looking for a fight.
I'm dong my best to not get involved this time but she's already said DH is a liar and that I have clearly "finished with her". Back soon.

[Bproud]

It's the first time I have come to this thread and not read it all, but can you do anything to the house to make your living areas more self contained, then set up rules so your mother only enters your 'flat' by invitation or as a particular arrangement, eg specified babysitting times.
This would mean that she could 'visit' whilst you are at home in the mornings, but only come if your DH wants her to, when you you are not there. She could also 'invite' the DC for specified times eg for tea once or twice a week, which would give your DH a break and not be too tiring for her.

[badtoworse]

she has been getting down about various health problems and this has turned into that she's decided she doesn't like the way DH parents while I'm out. She says DS is always wailing at bedtime, but she's in another room, not in the bathroom. DH said DS was sticking his finger up DD's bum and he told him not to and he started to cry, DM interprets this as the poor little lamb is being had a go at and seems to see any upset around bedtime as an example of DH's crap parenting. She's been disparaging about them playing up for me at bedtime before "well, you and your brother never behaved like that for me" etc. But instead of saying to DH, hey...have you thought about trying xyz at bedtie, or just butting out, she bitches about him to me but says I'm not to tell him, as it would make him feel got at.... which pisses me off for a variety of reasons...if she doesn't like his parenting skills she should tell him herself, not come running to me and then say I'm not allowed to say what she's said. So, I said she should speak to him and I didn't want to hear it, so she reckons I'm "abandoning" her and I've "made it clear our relationship is over" and that I'm calling her a liar and says that DH's a liar. And I just so cannot be bothered with it anymore.

I get tired of being told how to parent my own children and that their dad isn't doing a good enough job (he's very good with them...more patient than me a lot of the time) and that I'm a shouty mother "and I wasn't shouty with you or your brother and I held down a fulltime job with an alcoholic husband and made a cooked breakfast ad read you each a story every morning before school". That is verbatim, btw "DS is a little angel for me all afternoon" etc etc and tired of her offering to do things and saying she wants to do them and then when she's in a bad mood, having it thrown in my face. I am a disappointment apparently. Always good to hear from your own mother.

We have our own living room and en suite bathroom but it's a shared kitchen and other areas. It's a fucking mess. Last time, she got on rightmove and said she was going back to the UK, but reckoned she couldn't afford anything.

[badtoworse]

what a mess my life is.

[susanann]

I think you need to put some distance between your family and your mum. It sounds like shes good at emotional blackmail. Can she not come to the uk and stay with friends/family for a few weeks? Sounds like shes wrecking your life and certainly your marriage! Maybe its time to stand up to her and you and hubby tackle her together, united front and all that. Good luck

[botandhothered]

I've just read the whole thread.
I think the only solution is for you and your DH to move out.
I just can't see the situation getting any better for you. I think if you do this, she will most likely return to the UK.
I know this will probably mean you moving to a small flat, and you will lose the space you have at her house. Really, is there any reason why you couldn't do that?
Yes things will be tight money wise, but your relationship with your DH is more important than anything.