Please help me, childhood abuse ruining my life.

[SwanFace]

This is going to be long so I apologise in advance.

I have had a difficult relationship with my dad as I have always tried to play happy families but felt awkward. I kind of buried this but I remember him touching me inappropriately when I was about 8 (I think.) This is my only memory of overt abuse although he sometimes made inappropriate comments when we were alone and I always remember him looking at me. I was in real, proper denial about this until 2009, when I found pictures my dad had kept of me when I was little :( I then realised what it meant and it put what he did into proper context for me for the first time. I told my family about the photos and it was a shock to all but now this has been brushed completely under the carpet. Only my DH really believes me about what, in my mind, they prove.

My dad is hugely emotionally manipulative and I have managed to overcome the feeling of always being in the wrong, him being angry at me, and feeling ashamed. Whenever him and my mum argued, I had the most corrosive anxiety, thinking it was somehow my fault. I just always felt I was the source of all problems.

In 2009 I confronted my dad about what I found and what he did. He refused to acknowledge it and we had a stand-off and did not speak for a while. During this time I still saw my mum (they are still together) and although she knows about the photos, she was devastated but has carried on as normal. I know as a child displaying some unsettling sexual behaviours, during play with my friends, which I remember concerned her. So I wonder if he did anything else I don't remember, and I wonder if she suspected.

In my teens I had all sorts of problems with anxiety and panic attacks. I was also very reckless with my personal safety, drank too much, tried drugs, and was very promiscuous. My parents had no idea.

When I was 16 I had an affair with a private music tutor. This was my first 'real' relationship (if you could call it that) he groomed me from 15 and slept with me when I was 16 (lost my virginity). Finally wised up and disentangled myself when I was 18.

I have never managed a relationship where I was not unfaithful. It turns out dishonestly and secretiveness is 2nd nature to me :(

This all changed when I met my now DH when I was 22. It was a fairytale romance, we got married and until we had DC1 everything was wonderful. I had awful PND and had an affair. Up until this point we had a very good, trusting relationship. My DH found out, forgave me and we managed to get back on track. After our 2nd DC I felt the same way but managed to fight the massive compulsion to have another affair. I see now I am vulnerable to this always because of how I am.

I have realised I need men to validate me in a sexual way, proving my attractiveness to myself, in order for me to feel good about myself. Having someone admire me and stroke my ego made me feel better after the massive life change of becoming a mum. The affair was hugely damaging and I am determined to be a trustworthy, faithful person from now on.

So basically I have zero self-esteem, I don't value myself very highly and it seems I am by nature deceitful and manipulative. I realise this has to do with the childhood abuse but I honestly don't have the first clue how to sort it out. I know I am a good person and reasonably attractive, my DH loves me and tells me I am beautiful etc, but for some reason this is not enough. As we have got older, I have realised my DH is quite like my dad in some ways, which is hugely damaging to our sex life now I am no longer in denial about what happened. I have tried to be as honest with him as I can about that so we can still have a physical relationship, and most of the time we can. My poor DH, he is so lovely and I am an total train wreck of a person. I absolutely loathe myself :(

I have also realised, as my eldest DC approaches school age, I sometimes act in an emotionally manipulative manner, just like my dad does! I cannot bear it and I do all I can to change my behaviour. I have told DH so he can help me. But am I doomed to be like this as I learned it from him as a child?

At the moment I still try and have a relationship with my dad, for my mum's sake. I make an effort with him, allow him a foot in the door back into my life, then hate myself, and him, and withdraw again, and feel like a hypocrite for allowing him in then blocking him out again. He always tries to control me and the situation with his huffy, manipulative emotional tactics, like a child! I do love him as a dad on some level, which makes it all so terribly painful. (I am very careful with my DCs around him too so they are not at risk.)

Please help me. I have read a lot here and I know I am not alone trying to deal with this. What kind of counselling should I have? Good books to read? Who should I speak to first? I am so sick of feeling like less of a human being and acting in ways which are so dangerous to those I love :(

My mother was the same when I was depressed Swan - found it very shameful and inconvenient, reckoned I was "trying to make her feel guilty" by mentioning the abuse and told me to "get over it." For me, the huge revelation in dealing with the abuse was that my parents did as much if not more damage than the abuse. I always thought my problems stemmed from that actual abuse, and in some ways it did, but I found it far harder in many ways to come to terms with the fact that my parents never protected me and totally dismissed my feelings. I'm still struggling with that.

Are you me Swan? *nods

I've only had denial shown within my relationship from my parents (stepparent abused me) .neither one has shown any sadness or comforted me,they've swept it under the carpet,changed the subject if I brought it up and even showed anger towards me at times (upsetting their 'perfect' lives?)

How dare they? Really.I cannot have a relationship with my mother anymore as its too toxic and debilitating for me.

I thought caring,affection and love was shown through sexual contact for a very long time,I'm getting used to saying 'No' and 'I'm a good person' now.

CailinDana :( I am reading the abuse survivors thread (starting with the first one) and I am so sad and gobsmacked at how rife it seems to be. I can't get my head around a parent not caring about how their child feels!

That's exactly how my mum made me feel about it - it was an inconvenience and shameful. So I should not tell anyone. I think she really does love me but loves my dad more, and the life they have together. I remember on one occasion I was showing some very big red flags, playing with a friend, and she intervened. So she must have known :(

My best friend was abused by her dad. She didn't tell me until 2008, when he died. I do all I can to listen if she wants to talk and support her best I can. I have wanted to tell her so many times that it happened to me too, but I am not sure if that would be helpful to her, and also my dad is still alive and she would have to see him occasionally, so I don't want to make it difficult for her. What do you think - helpful or not to tell her?

Moomenny I thought that too for so many years. Men want me sexually = they like and approve of me. Even love me. my friends would warn me I was being used, that love and sex were not the same thing for men. I just could not see that.

It's really hard to say whether it would be helpful or not. On the one hand she might feel that you understand her better because you know what she's going through, but on the other she could feel unsure about how to talk to you any more. What do you think?

I find it interesting that you're keen to protect her feelings - that you're worried about her seeing your dad when she knows the truth - but you're not willing to protect yourself in the same way by ceasing contact with him. Do you see what I mean?

I think I see what you mean. I've never thought about it like that before. I guess I feel hardened enough to deal with seeing him, and as he's my dad and there is still some (conflicted) good feeling there, I can live with it. And still have some semblance of a family relationship with him - for my mum's sake really, it's not what I want with him. I know this probably sounds really cold, but if my mum died I know I would never see him again.

I question my motives for telling her and I'm not sure why I want to - maybe just so she knows I understand to some extent how she feels. And we could both talk about it with each other to help. Although I worry it would be triggering for both of us, as I do not want to cause her any pain. I do think we have been friends long enough we would not find it awkward. But even just talking about it here, I worry she would think I was lying. Whenever I think about telling anyone, that's what I fear. Being disbelieved.

I mentioned up thread about telling a friend when I was 14, then backtracking - that was her. I remember very vividly how she seemed almost.. relieved to hear me say it? I crawl with shame that I told her I made it up, and I worry what she thinks about that. So I guess telling her would let her see I was just scared and not a liar.

If you told her before chances are she remembers that and she knows you weren't really lying. It might be what prompted her to talk to you about what happened to her. You could broach the subject with her, she might encourage you to talk. IME hearing someone else has experienced something similar is usually a good thing - it makes you feel less alone, so it could be really positive for her. Maybe just test the water?

I've told people in rl who have been going through similar and it has opened up the friendship more as we have things to discuss.

If she questioned why you backtracked be honest, I'm sure most survivors have done similar things.