If your parents split up when you were 6 years old...

[MyelinSheath]

how much of it do you remember? Dd has just turned 6 and it's likely that before she's 7 we will be separated. Possibly quite soon. I think dd has picked up on tension in the house over the last 6 months. We haven't been arguing but I've been unhappy. Dh and I both have dd as our first concern and we will do everything we can to make sure she suffers as little as possible, but I realise that she is certainly old enough to be very upset by it all.
Any advice would be appreciated. Would love to know how it felt from a child's perspective. My parents split up but only much later.

[Bucharest]

I was 6.

I remember the before, and the after,but not the actual Dad-leaving moment.

I remember the fights, the rows. (most of which happened while I was in bed but don't kid yourself that at that age children don't hear)

Then I remember my Dad coming to see me both at home and at my paternal grandparents.

Trying to give it a 46 yr old's analysis, I imagine I felt relief of some sort once my Dad had gone, because then the rows would have stopped IYSWIM?

I certainly was never traumatised. But I do remember everything.

[gothicmama]

Be honest , give the same messages to her, don't make her feel abandoned or second best when new partners come along, keep in touch with each other and have the same rules this helps with contact and visits , be mindful of her and explain things so she understands

[Flisspaps]

Not much of the before. What I do remember is how my Dad handled it (badly) - crying on my shoulder and c

[Flisspaps]

*and generally using me as his emotional support. If he had thought a bit harder and had turned to another adult for support it would have impacted upon me far less.

He's always said I have an old head on young shoulders...there's a reason for that.

Just make sure you both allow your DD to still be a child.

[holstenlips]

Sorry to jump in but thank you Fliss, im going to show your comments to my XP.

[GetTheeToANunnery]

I was around 6 and it really messed me up. I don't think it was the actual break up, it was the way it was dealt with. Loads of arguments (in front of me) grandparents coming round to join in the arguments, trying to get me involved, stopping me seeing my dad etc etc.

Your dd should be fine if you and your dp can deal with it like grown ups. Obviously it's never going to be easy but if you can both love and support her through it and try and be civil with each other in front of her, I doubt it will affect her long term.
Hope you're ok op?

[Flisspaps]

No worries holsten.

I'm now 30, and my relationship with my Dad is, from my POV, strained. He thinks it's fine and dandy but I can't forgive him for making me feel responsible for his emotional well being. What he did was make me put up a wall between me and him which will never come down.

Your XH may want to consider that.

My, this is all a bit more cathartic than my usual posts!

[MyelinSheath]

Thank you all. It's a very hard time. We will do our best to deal with it in an adult way, and certainly won't use dd's shoulder to cry on.

[holstenlips]

Good luck Myelin

[NenNen]

Sorry to hear about your situation. My parents split when I was five. I remember being cross with my dad for leaving (for another woman) but my mum told me it was ok because there would be no more rows- that did cheer me up! One thing I will say is that my parents constantly true to play me off against each other so please don't do that- that was far worse than the break up. Really hope thugs work out for the best. x

[raspberrytipple]

I was 4, I remember pretty much all the arguments, shouting and upheaval but my father was violent so it was all a bit extreme. I don't speak to him anymore because he's a vindictive shit who spent all his time trying to bully and manipulate me into hating my mother who behaved impeccably throughout and quite honestly deserves a medal. Best advice I could give is don't EVER use your DD as a weapon. I know it sounds simple but it's very easily done without realising it. you will get cross sometimes but don't ever make negative comments about her dad in any way shape or form. She will remember it forever and she'll be old enough one day to make up her own mind

[EatsBrainsAndLeaves]

Nothing useful to add, but hope you are okay OP

[origamirose]

I was 8 and remember it vividly.
I remember both my parents being upset and crying. I remember my mother being angry and hostile to my father (she still is).
I look back on that time with real sadness. My parents had a dreadful marriage which was bound to break at some point. If they had behaved with more maturity and less selfishness all the trauma could have been avoided. They were so caught up on their own hurt/guilt that they forgot about us.
You sound like you have the best interests of you DC at heart. The only advice I can give you (I'm also a step mum) is hide any animosity you may feel about you DCs dad from her never ever slag him off in front of her. There is a post on lone parents (called something like interesting video) check it out - it rang true for me (and my siblings).
Good luck I am sure you will keep your DC safe. X

[GodisaDJ]

I was 3.5 when 'he' left.

Remember some rows, a specific one I recalled to my mum not long back, she couldn't believe I remembered.

My sister who is older, used to hide me under the covers so I didn't hear the rows.

My advice-

Listen to what your dd wants. The relationship was forced on me from when he left through to my teens. He wasn't a great dad (still isn't really) but all I was told was "but he's your dad.." whenever I questioned why I went to see him every other weekend. I didn't know him and didn't want to I guess. And I knew that from an early age.

No bitching about each other, even if you think they're not listening, or even the sarcastic comments which you think children don't understand. My mum never did but dad used to drop in comments which were out of turn about my mum or little in jokes with my step mum.

When she's older, discuss the reasons for breaking up. I found out from a family member about dads affairs and that should have come from one or both parents; I still don't know why he had them.

Sorry to hear you marriage has come to an end. I hope you find happiness in the future and that your dd has a fabulous relationship with her father.

[HellonHeels]

Like OrigamiRose I remember it vividly (was a lot older though, at 11) and both my parents behaved badly. My mother also hostile and angry towards my father and took care that my sister and I knew every single shitty thing he did. She used me to lean on emotionally; I had to be in the room while she ranted to her friends; when we moved to a smaller house she made me share a bed with her. Suffocating and intense but I was not allowed to express emotions.

My dad had behaved badly and neglected the family before they split (there was an OW); tried his best to get out of any financial obligations (that's my mother's version but is probably broadly accurate); was never again a Dad to us - he called a few times a year, took us out for birthdays. We never had overnight visits, no room or bed in his house for us.

Bit of a rant there! If you and your DH keep it pleasant, get adult sources of support and both make it clear you still want to parent your DD she will have a much better time of it than I did. Good luck, you sound a caring mum.

[Catrin]

No advice as a child, but my dd is 6 and we have recently separated. She knows that we both love her very much, but that he and I cannot live together anymore. She sees him fortnightly and rings him when she needs to. She has had a few wobbles (namely when she asked STBXH if he was coming home and he said he couldn't because I wouldn't let him. This is not only untrue, but mean to both her and I). I have been gently firm and told her the situation won't be changing. There is no blueprint for this, so you just have to do it in as positive a way as possible. TBH, she hasn't really missed him - he was not a family man at all, so we are used to it being just me and her.
Good luck with it all.

[juneau]

I was 6. I remember everything. EVERYTHING. I remember my Dad telling us (I have sister who was 3) and my mum standing there with tears running down her face. I remember us being sent to my grandparents so my mother could pack up all our stuff and move it to a rental property while we were gone. Look, I'm not going to go on, but talk to your DD, explain things to her in well-thought-out language. Don't hide stuff from her that she will work out - it will be devastating for her. Always be honest. Tell her that she can ask you anything and you'll do your best to answer her questions. Be civil with your ex-H at all times. Don't slag him off to her or put her in the middle of anything. And if/when you find a new partner, always put her first. Make sure you tell her you love her and that Daddy still loves her. If she's close to her dad, like I was, this is going to be very hard for her.

[SunshineOutdoors]

I was 6 when my parents split up and I honestly don't remember any of it. I think a lot of it must have been hidden as I remember thinking we were moving because of Mum's job.

My siblings were teenagers and I think it would have been harder for them, to be honest. I got looked after and protected where to an extent I don't think they did.

Having said that, I do think it's strange that I don't remember any of it... only have a couple of memories of when my dad lived with us. I do remember at this age though sleepwalking and seeing a psychiatrist because I kept wetting the bed. So maybe it affected me more than I thought and I've 'blocked it out'?

I do remember as a teen feeling glad I didn't know all the details at the time as I may have judged things I didn't understand, seeing things as black and white instead of the grey reality. As an adult I have good relationships with both my parents but feel anything that went on is between them and nothing to do with me.

My dad has never badmouthed my mum and vice versa.

[BalloonSlayer]

I was about 8 so a bit old for you OP, but I thought I would post anyway.

I don't remember any rows, although I remember feeling bemused and interested at finding several broken mugs on the floor beside the wall one morning, where my Mum had obviously thrown them at my Dad.

I do think part of a child's reaction depends on how/why parents split up. In my parents' case, my Mum felt totally emotionally neglected by my Dad and she had been miserable for years. Dad, on the other hand, was quite happy and thus had no interest in doing anything to help her be any happier. When she finally couldn't stand it any more and pushed for a split (this is a huge simplification by the way) he took it very badly.

My Mum was careful never to say a word to us against my Dad, no matter what he said about her. She explained time and time again that he was not a bad person, but that she just didn't love him any more and that she was sorry to do this to us but she couldn't go on being married to him. He was - understandably - very bitter but Mum used to almost make us see him, well she used to make my 14 year old sister phone him to arrange for us to see him, which she was often reluctant to do in the early days as Dad was not always pleasant company at that time - he would never had been violent but it could be a bit uncomfortable. This might seem mean but it kept our relationship with him going and my eldest sister was, to his dying day, his favourite.

Dad kept her very short of money but she never complained, she always made it clear that breaking up was her choice. As we grew up we all could clearly see that Dad was emotionally distant and all came to see why she couldn't stand to be married to him any more, but largely because of her efforts in the early days we all had a good relationship with him. She still feels bad about breaking up the family but I actually think it is better that she did, I think I had a better relationship with Dad than if I had had to live with him when a teenager. My stepfather (whom Mum also later divorced) was a totally different kettle of fish, fun, affectionate, generous and in a lot of ways a far more openly loving Dad, and I have lots of happy family memories from my teenage years involving him.

[juneau]

P.S. I should perhaps add that my Dad was leaving my mother for her best friend, so the situation was just generally horrible. Plus, he stayed in our house and she and her kids moved in, my mum, sis and I moved out, so if possible definitely avoid that as a scenario. Being forced to leave our house and then seeing her move in was agony.

[applecharlotte]

Sorry you're going through this and the sad experiences of others on here.

I was 6. Like someone else mentioned I remember the before and after but not the event of leaving. I only remember being in the room when one argument happened where my Dad kicked the fire guard and being scared. However when I was 25 I went and had hypnotherapy for smoking and whilst being 'under' remembered sitting on the top of the stairs with my sister after bedtime and listening to my parents argue - this made me feel sad for my 'little self!'

My overwhelming memory is growing up and ALWAYS feeling my mum leaving my dad WAS the best thing. No one said that to me but I think I always knew and continue to believe that I would have been so much more unhappy if my parents stayed together. It used to puzzle me as a teen when people would pull a 'sad poor you' face when they heard my parents were divorced as it was normal to me and my mum provided a very stable childhood after we left.

My mum never bad mouthed my Dad (even though he deserved it!). We saw him every other weekend and I do remember him making catty comments about my mum and trying to find out about any boyfriends she had. I remember at the time feeling very uncomfortable about that and believe if you can keep all your adult emotions/feelings to yourself.

I really believe if you handle it well children can come out of this situation reasonable unscathed. It sounds as if you will.

[SunshineOutdoors]

applecharlotte I sometimes get that 'sad for my little self' feeling. I think maybe I also have memories buried under the surface but I don't feel like I want to remember them..I'd rather just keep a lid on that can of worms!

I also agree with you that growing up with just one parent felt normal - I'd never known anything else

[wonkylegs]

My parents didn't split up when I was a child but should of. All of us remember the arguments and discomfort of being with them together through our childhood from an early age. As I got older my mums resentment that they were still together became a burden that I carried to protect my siblings. She decided to leave my dad and announce they were getting divorced 2 days after DH and I announced we were getting married, overshadowing what should have been a happy time. This is something I have never been able to forgive her for. She made my childhood miserable by constantly thinking of leaving and never doing anything about it. Even when they weren't directly arguing life was still hard work.
Both of them have a new lease of life since splitting up and it's made all of us kids have a better relationship with them (when they finally split my little DB was still at school even though I was an adult)

[BertieBotts]

I was 6. I don't remember it although my mum tells me I was upset when she told us (Not sure why they didn't tell us together...) I only vaguely remember them being together, they tended to argue away from us, so wasn't really aware of much tension in the house, so they must have talked to us about it being better because they made each other unhappy, and they were happier apart.

I do remember an overall feeling that things were better because they'd split up, but I don't know if I was a bit older when this happened or whether it was to do with the conversations etc rather than a general feeling. We didn't have much money and had to move to a smaller house when I was 9 which I do remember being upsetting.

We used to like going to visit our dad in his flat, because it was a change of scene and made things exciting, and it was nice having one on one time with each parent. I enjoyed having two Christmases

It was just normal, to me. Lots of people said "Oh, sorry..." or acted like it was something to be pitied, but I always told them, no, it's fine - they're both happier now, it was the right thing. And I gained a stepmum who I get on with and a half brother and sister too, and before they were born a whole set of cousins, aunties etc on my stepmum's side. We got to do different things with them that mum wasn't interested in, like horseriding. It was great!

I don't have much of a relationship with my dad now but feel that is more because he doesn't try very hard to keep in contact with us now we are adults.