I have posted about my situation before but things have moved on and not in a good way. I need advice as to whether there is any hope here and what to do if there is or is not.
DH and I have been together for 9 years and married for 5. We have 2 DCs, four and 20 months. We live far from both our families. DH is from another country. We have had a very tough time since we got married: a brief list -
- I had hyperemesis with DD and was housebound for most of the pregnancy, then she was an emergency c-section and was very difficult to get her to put on weight.
- My mother, who was a long-term alcoholic, died when DD was 10 months old.
- 6 months later my father was diagosed with terminal cancer, given 6 months to live, lived for 20 months.
- Dad died when DS was 4 months old after another difficult pregnancy in which DH supported me greatly.
- My brother had an alcoholic / nervous breakdown with which DH helped alot in order to help my sick father.
- DH is, if not a workaholic, then bordering on.
DH has been brilliant through all this until about a year ago. Very supportive practically, although not emotionally (he doesn't really know what to do, just talks over me without meaning to). He did a lot of things which I really didn't want him to, and asked him not to, like looking after the children at night or givingme lifts to places I didn't need. I was introspective and wasn't 'there' for him. I kept all the day to day things going: kids, house, finances etc (I am a SAHM) but he came bottom of the list. I havve admitted this and thanked him for his help. About a year ago I decided to get bereavement counselling which has helped a lot. Around Novemeber last year I started to feel a lot better: myself really which I have not felt for years.
At this point, how unhappy DH has been started to come out. He completely withdrew from me. He says he started treating me a I had been treating him. I'm not sure that that is fair, but who can say? That's how he feels.
We jogged along until two or three months ago when he basically told me he felt totally detached from everything except his work. He wanted time to get his head together, do some excercise and get fit (which he really needs).
We've had several conversations since then, which seem to get worse and worse. He says he doesn't blame me for how he feels, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty, he really does. Some of the things he has said make it very difficult to live with him, including that he doesn't feel any love for me any more. He wishes he does but doesn't. He says he doesn't know how he is going to feel in the future, but for the moment, just to give him space.
I don't know if it is important to go into the details of how unfairly I think he is thinking here but I will give two examples. There are many. First, he thinks I don't supprot him in his job. Actually, the only thing I ask is that he is at home weekend days for the children. He can work any other time he wants. He travels for work a lot which I never oppose. I write his grant proposals for him as English is not his first language. How is this getting in the way of his work. I have put this to him. He has nothing to say.
Secondly, he says he carried out an 'experiment' on us a few weeks ago. He wanted some help with his work, so I prepared during the day while doing my work to do so in the evening. He bought wine and cheese etc. While I was talking he said, 'I remember now why I looked at you in the first place.' I found this offensive. Perhaps I was wrong to, but I lowered the emotional temperature and talked about y day, which includes the children. He joined in then shouted at me for talking about the children. I went to bed. When he revealed this was an experiment I was furious, though didn't show it. When he asked why I was being distant I told him that if he wanted an eveing not talking about the children he should say so, it didn't have to be so complicated.
Right now, I'm trying to keep my distance and be pelasant and give him his space. At times things seem more hopeful. We have a cuddle or a bit of silliness. But mostly it is distant ans sometimes it seems like he hates me. He treats me like a husband would treat a wife who's had an affair.
What do you think? Should I just tell him to make up his mind? should I give him more time and space? How long shoud I go on for? I really want to give this my very best shot. I never want a divorce and really and my children not to have to go through that. They adore him and he's very good with them.
My current plan is to stop being distant and try being friendly, and even affectionate for a while to see if this improves things. I'm worried that eventually the stress of the situation is going to kill any love I have for him too.
Thankyou for reading this far.