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Original poster

How would you react if.....

58 replies

MaggieAtwood · 15/11/2011 12:19

your DH was meeting up for drinks with an old girlfriend/female colleague and didn't tell you and it had happened on more than one occasion?

OP posts:
kaluki · 15/11/2011 12:22

I wouldn't be at all happy, in fact I'd be furious!
My first questions would be why didn't he tell you and what else has he been up to with her.
Sad you poor thing.

IggyPup · 15/11/2011 12:22

I would consider castration.

Then......I'd castrate him.

TravellerForEver · 15/11/2011 12:22

I would see it a breach of trust.
but wouold not jump to conclusion (there is more to it etc...)

Whatelse do you know?

Thingumy · 15/11/2011 12:23

I would wonder why he hadn't mentioned it.

And then ask him why he didn't mention it.

How would you react OP?

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 15/11/2011 12:24

How did you find out?

Does he know you know?

sheeplikessleep · 15/11/2011 12:25

i'd be mad. than i'd try and calm down, ask him about it and assess his reaction.

smartyparts · 15/11/2011 12:28

Wouldn't mind the meeting but would very much mind the concealing it, as that makes it look dodgy.

kaluki · 15/11/2011 12:30

Or ... don't ask him! As soon as he sees you are suspicious, if he is up to something he will cover his tracks.
Watch from a distance and give him enough rope to hang himself. If nothing is going on then you don't need to confront him but if it is you will have him banged to rights.
I wish I had done that when ex H cheated on me instead of going in all guns blazing and being called insane and finding out later on that I was right all along!

RabbitPie · 15/11/2011 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
MaggieAtwood · 15/11/2011 12:47

He was on FB the other night in bed. I turned over and he jumped out of his skin and quickly shut it down. The way he acted made me suspicious so I had a look on his FB and there was a message from an EXGF/colleague arranging a 'date' "TGI's as usual".

I've already confronted him and he said they've been out for a drink once a few months ago (which he didn't tell me about) and that this would only be the second time. The words "as usual" make me question this.

He says that it's completely innocent and that I have nothing to worry about but then why didn't he tell me? I'm not possessive/unreasonable about things like this. In actual fact he's the one who is more controlling/jealous (I can't even go to the loo without him knowing!).

This is my second marriage. My 1st husband cheated on me so having DH do something like this to me has completely destroyed me if I'm honest. I know he said nothing has been/is going on but I feel so empty and on the verge of tears the whole time.

OP posts:
fuzzynavel · 15/11/2011 12:52

I for one wouldn't even be happy if he went for a drink with an ex to be honest let alone doing it behind my back.

As for being in bed with you and talking to her on facebook, well!

Hate to say this OP but the man's a lying, if not already, soon to be cheating arsehole.

tigermoll · 15/11/2011 14:22

In actual fact he's the one who is more controlling/jealous (I can't even go to the loo without him knowing!).

Hmmm. It's trite but true that someone who is cheating can also be very insecure/possessive, - either they assume that, if they are being unfaithful, everyone is, or they feel that they are somehow covering their tracks by making a fuss about fidelity.

I don't think we should leap to accusing him of cheating just yet, but TBH, its not looking great for him. It's pretty classic stuff, - you picked up on his odd behaviour, did some digging, found something secret, and then got told the bare minimum to keep you happy, - 'It's only the second time we've met (couldn't say 'first time' due to the use of 'usual place', so went for the next smallest number), nothing to worry about, etc.

If he says 'I didn't tell you because I knew you'd react like this', then that is a MASSIVE red flag, - it is a classic liar's move. It puts the responsibility for the problem firmly on YOUR shoulders rather than his, as if your reaction, not his actions, are the problem. You force him to lie to you. It also implies that you are irrational, jealous and predictable, and that he is forever having to make allowances for your unreasonable behaviour. In fact, other people have noticed it. They wonder how he puts up with you. He must have the patience of a saint. You're so lucky to have him. Stop rocking the boat, or he'll leave and it will all be YOUR FAULT.

Sorry, got a bit carried away there.......

Charbon · 15/11/2011 15:01

Meeting a friend a few times for a drink after work isn't the problem.

The secrecy is.

As you're not a jealous or controlling person who would have tried to put a stop to an innocent friendship, there's only one reason he's kept this secret.

Because he's hoping it will turn into an affair, if it hasn't already.

Now you've confronted him and realised he's lied to you by omission, I would start by checking whether this has developed into an affair, but bear in mind that he now knows your suspicions have been raised and will probably be hiding things with more diligence. If you find nothing, I'd have a discussion with him about this friendship and what he's getting out of it. Ask how he's described his family life and marriage and ask him to be honest about whether he feels any physical attraction for his friend.

If you've got an otherwise strong relationship and he can admit that this could be dangerous territory, then he will put some boundaries in place.

If however an affair has already started, or he still wants it to, I think he will be defensive and counter-accuse you of paranoia and jealousy. If that happens, you've got some tough decisions to make about your relationship.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 15/11/2011 15:39

'as usual' is not met once before for drinks :(

What did he say when you asked why he was meeting her behind your back?

ModreB · 15/11/2011 17:53

I would insist on going with him, as if it is just an innocent drink with a friend then there is no reason for you not to go. And if he doesn't want you too then would consider the relationship in deep, deep trouble.

Original poster
MaggieAtwood · 15/11/2011 21:02

Thanks for all the replies. At least I know I'm not over-reacting.

When I confronted him initially he denied that he'd jumped out of his skin and said that he wasn't messaging her on fb. After a bit of probing he now accepts that I startled him and that he was actually replying to her message (which is why he shut the page down). Some truth at last!

The first time I asked him why he was meeting her behind my back he said that he didn't tell me because of the way I would react so you are spot on tigermoll. He knows that that isn't true and he hasn't used that excuse again. Now he says that he doesn't know why he kept it a secret....maybe because he was simply meeting a friend for a drink for half an hour and didn't think it important. I've told him that that explanation isn't good enough and that there must be a reason why he decided not to tell me. I've asked him to think about it and be honest with himself first. He said he will.

He is genuinely upset about it now and says that he probably wouldn't have met up with her again but I suppose he would say that now.

He's closed his fb account and deleted her number off his phone. He sounds genuine when I speak to him but when I write it all down and read it back it does sound suspicious. Am I being a gullible idiot?

I really don't know where to go from here.

OP posts:
Doha · 15/11/2011 21:08

Why he is going for total cut off contact if it is all innocnet, Seems a bit of an extreme reaction.. Also the comment TGI's again almost impkys more than 1 previous occasion,

Red flags waving here,

Original poster
MaggieAtwood · 15/11/2011 21:20

That's probably my fault Doha. He offered to close down his fb so I said ok, thinking he would look horrified but to be fair he didnt. He chose to delete her from his phone.

I agree that "TGI's as usual" implies more than once but he is adamant that it has only been once. He said ring her to check if I want to. Apparantly she is blameless - she thought that I knew they were meeting up. He said that this is all his doing.

OP posts:
Charbon · 15/11/2011 21:24

Red flags akimbo here too.

So he lied about messaging her in bed too?

I agree that the inference in the friend's message is that they have met several times and not twice. I also agree that if this had ever been just a friendship, he wouldn't be taking such draconian measures to show he'd cut her out of his life.

Did you make a note of her number by any chance? Might be worth seeing if it is now saved under an innocuous (probably male) name.

GypsyMoth · 15/11/2011 21:28

Close it down? It's do easy to 'deactivate' it then start it up again and deleting you so you don't know

Also, he can alter security settings so it doesnt show up in a search

GypsyMoth · 15/11/2011 21:28

TGI's tho?? He can't think much of her taking her there

Original poster
MaggieAtwood · 15/11/2011 21:35

No, I didn't make a note of her number. Although I do know that he rang her yesterday to tell her that he hasn't been completely honest with me and that he won't be keeping their 'date'. The number should still be stored on his phone I presume.

OP posts:
bubblechristmaspop · 15/11/2011 21:39

As usual

This is a regular thing, this isn't once. It would be like last time, like the other time not as usual.

So he is lying. He has lied and lied and only admitted to what he had to and what you could prove.

He went from widely blaming you, getting all defensive, to cutting her totally out his life and deleting fb. Talk about extremes...........Also "phone her" sound to me like they have phoned, maybe when he did yesterday. To get their stories straight.

yeahyeahitsallmyfault · 15/11/2011 21:40

I'd bloody ring her! Call his bluff. "Oooh she didn't know" or whatever. Really? REALLY?
What was the purpose of this meeting(s) anyway? If he didn't have more in mind what's he getting from that relationship that he doesn't feel he has already?
Men are not like women, they think with their pants and frankly are often opportunists. (I've worked in all male environments for most of my life and believe me, men are NOT like women... not even my DH).

Honesty from your DH is the only way forward from this IMO. If you marry someone you owe them the right to your honesty. He needs to grow a pair and have an adult conversation about what is really happening here.

Sorry rant, rant, but well, good luck.

bubblechristmaspop · 15/11/2011 21:42

There is no point ringing her. Op will lose her dignity and no doubt he said that............as they already have got the story straight.

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