So here's my story - read it and weep (you have been warned)

[BulletProofMum]

I am married with three lovely children (6, 4, 20m). On the first day of the summer holidays I was preparing a barbecue on one side of the house whilst my husband was trying to light a bonfire on the other. He was looking after the baby or was toddling around the courtyard with her dolls pushchair. The older children wer inside watching t.v.

I heard shouting and then my eldest calling on me. I went round to find the bonfire out of control and my daughter's pushchair at the base of it. I went inside to find my husband sobbing and the skin hanging off his hands and arms. My daughter was in the bath screaming. What I thought were her clothes hanging off her was her skin. The ambulance took forever. My daughter was taken first to a hospital 25 min away and my husband to another. She was intially asessed as having 70 % burns. They battled to stabilise her, no one would answer my question ' will she be alright'? She was stablised, ventilated and transferred to a specialist burnes unit in Essex. She spent 32 days in intensive care, underwent 7 operations, survived 2 bouts of pneumonia, partial lung collapse, GI failure, metabolic instability. It was a roller coaster. The first two weeks were critical and she was extremely poorly. Numerous heart breaking conversations were had - I can't descibe the pain of those weeks. My husband was at the same hospital wit 15 % burns.

Once she turned the corner her progress has been fantastic. She has grafts to her face, hands, tummy, legs and large scars all over. Three times a day I have to cream and masage her, apply silicon gels and dressings, and then put on pressure garments (tight mask, gloves, leggings and body suit) that make her look like a super hero). She is extremely itchy and takes 5 drugs for this but still doesn't sleep well and scratches constantly. It wakes about 3/4 hr to do it properly. She develped blood clots so needs twice daily injections of a type of warfarin that I administer. My husband can't help and his hands are slow to heal (he had grafts up to hs elbows) and he has limited movement and pain in his hands.

So - my life is crap! My beautiful bay girls is scarred and uncomfortable (although copes remarkably well). I constantyl have to go through her massaing routine which she is becoming more tolerant of but is staill ahrd. The worst bi is puting on the gloves. She runs to my husband after I have doen the crap bit. We are back and forward to hospital (2 hr each way) once or twice a week. My poor boys have to play second fiddle all the time and I barely saw them throughout the summer. They are wonderfult o ehr though and super protective. Everywhere we go we are stared out and nudged (she wears a pink balaclava, the opressure garment).

However all this will improve as her scars mature (moths/years rather than weeks).

But here's the crux of it. Will I lose my marriage as well? My husband left a bottle of petrol, in a vegtable oil container, about 10 ft away from the bonfire, whilst in charge of a toddler. I don't know whether she picked it up but it was this that exploded. I have berated him 101 times about using petrol on bonfires, also on putting petrol (or any chemical) in stupid containers. He would give his life to turn the clock back and it was an accident. However it was a completely avoidable accident that I hold him 100% responsible for. He is a broken man but as time goes on I am finidng it harder to forgive rather than easier. What are my other options? A single mum working full time with three small children, one of whom needs an awful lot of care? I just don't know.

[IDontWantToBeHereAnyMore]

OP, was so moved to read your story and my heart goes out to all of you, puts my stupid problems into perspective :(
The only thing I would say is that you spoke about 'relationship counselling' earlier in the thread. I'm not sure that would be helpful just yet, but I think some general counselling for both of you together to enable you to talk about what happened if you feel the need to may be of benefit. I think the last thing you need to happen is for it to get buried and become a taboo subject.
I wish you all the very best of luck, you sound a very strong and determined person and I think you will all come out the other side of this very well.
xx

[RachelHRD]

Meant to say you can apply for DLA online which makes it easier than lots of form filling:
DLA

[Bonsoir]

OP - I am very, very sorry for what has happened to your DD and your DH, and the resulting catastrophic changes to your family life.

But, if I am very honest, when I read all your posts on the thread I don't think your DH was the only one taking outrageous risks on that day. The whole thing - a 6 and a 4 year old alone inside while parents were on either side of the house with a baby running around and two fires going on - sounds incredibly naïve to me. Can you not both accept blame for taking risks and move on together?

[Smugfearnleyshittingstool]

Thankyou for sharing. How terrible for you're family, I really don't think I could forgive to be honest. I have emailed your post to my dh, at work. He often leaves our open fire unguarded to let more heat out. We have a toddler and your post is a reality check for us all. He just called me to say how daft we've been, more care in this house from now on!

[BoffinMum]

What an awful time you are having.
Are you religious at all? There might be some help there.
Alternatively is there a support group nearby for family members of burns victims?

[OhDoAdmit]

Bullet
I am so sorry to hear about the awful accident. I am so glad that your daughter survived. I wish her an uneventful recovery.

We haveing been through the same thing but we did go through two years of horrific cancer treatment and the death of our daughter.
The serious illness of a child places tremendous strain on any relationship whether the child survives or does not.
In your case there is the added element of possible blame. If it is even the tiniest bit of help, even though there is no one to blame in our case, we have still gone through the recriminations and what ifs.
We are still together 7 years after her treatment began but it has been touch and go many times. There are things that happened during her treatment that I find hard to forgive my OH for.

Thing is, I have to. I know its not the same as your situation so I hope you dont mind me commenting, we had to pretty much make up our minds if we were going to stay together and once we did we had to find a way to do it.

That meant me having to put aside the stuff I was holding on to. There really was no other way. I knew that the mistakes my OH made were not through malice or lack of love for my daughter. The terrible things he said to me still hurt but they were down to miscommunication and misunderstandings.

I am sorry if this doesnt make sense. I really mean it to try and help, not for any other reason but I am finding it hard to put into words.

[noseinbook]

I'm so so sorry for this.

One thing I'll say for your husband - given the awful thing that happened, he did deal with it in the right way - no thought for the burns he knew he would suffer, putting her in the bath.

When things like this happen, I have found I rerun them and rerun them, hoping by the power of thought alone to make them come out differently. This is exhausting and debilitating. I'm wondering if you are both doing this, each in your own separate hell.

:(

[EleanorRathbone]

You weren't lying were you, I did read and weep. I'm so sorry something so horrific happened to you and your family.

Firstly, I agree with everyone who says make no decisions now, give it at least a year. Secondly, i agree that you need counselling but that you may not be able to benefit from that for quite a long time - maybe at least another year for that as well. It's probably no comfort to you, but just experiencing the grief and upheaval for a bit, has to be gone through before you can benefit from counselling. And it takes time to go through this process.

Whatever happens, your feelings are valid. You don't have to forgive him and you don't have to feel bad about not forgiving him. I have no idea if I could forgive anyone who made the sort of choice your DH did in the circumstances he did. Please don't feel that you have to cling to your marriage for the sake of your children; if your marriage becomes an intolerable place for you to be, then you'll have every right to give up on it, because children growing up with unhappy parents with this enormous thing between them, are not going to be any happier than children growing up whose parents have split up because of the knock on effect of this. Any decision you make, make for yourself, because if you live with a man you feel deeply bitter towards, your children's home will be a terrible place to grow up in.

But you really won't be in a place where you can make that decision and know that it is the right one, for a very long time yet. You also won't be able to forgive him (if you ever do) for a very long time yet. It could take years. Don't put any pressure on yourself either to forgive or to leave, or indeed to make any long term decision about anything really - you will only be in the place where you know whether to give up on your relationship or forgive and rebuild it, after you have allowed yourself the time and space to feel everything you need to feel. Including any guilt or anger you may have about your own part in that day. You can't forgive anyone else, if you haven't yet wrestled with forgiving yourself, or acknowledged your need for self-forgiveness. I'm sorry if me saying that hurts you, I don't want to add one more thing to the pain you are in, God knows you're in enough and don't need any more, I only want to point you at something you may not yet be ready to consider, but that you will need to at some stage, in order to work through this.

I don't suppose anything anyone says is much comfort to you, but just my thoughts are with you and I hope you get the support and comfort in RL that you need. That your little girl gets better. And that you are kind to yourself and permit yourself the time you need and don't try and rush your feelings or your decisions. And bear in mind, that the time you need, may be a hell of a lot longer than the time everyone else thinks you need. People in RL may get pissed off with you not getting over it as quickly as they'd like you to. But on MN, we won't get pissed off with you BPM, we'll give you as much support as you need for as long as you need.

[NonnoMum]

I have come back to this thread and feel bad for my earlier post... Knowing how awful I have felt when a child in my care was involved in an accident, I don't want to judge you...
Some of the support groups mentioned sound really good. Perhaps they will help.
I hope your daughter and your family heals well... Good luck.

[wannaBe]

Op I am sorry for what you all went through ? especially your dd and your dh. And tbh I am saddened by the fact that seemingly nobody on this thread has expressed any sympathy for your dh who you say also sustained 25% burns, has had to have skin grafts as well and has lost sensation in his arms and hands? Your dd was terribly, terribly hurt in this accident, and it is natural that all the attention would be on her since she was so very badly hurt and has taken so long to recover. But your dh was hurt too, and not only does it appear he has to go through that alone, but he also has to face the fact that you hold him responsible for what happened to his dd (because she is his dd too.)

Blame and recrimination can be a very destructive thing. But in truth blame and recrimination can have a massive ripple effect far beyond that which we feel in our inner self. Yes, leaving petrol by a bonfire was a stupid thing to do. But if you?d told him about it before, why did you not do something about it? If you?d felt that strongly about it you had the power to change things, and you didn?t either. That?s not a recrimination on you btw, but in truth we can all say how things should have been in hindsight, but hindsight is 20-20 and there?s no point going back to what-ifs, because the past is the past and cannot be undone.

It was an accident. There were things you both could have done to prevent it, but you didn?t, and no amount of blame on either side is ever going to change that.

My cousin was seriously scalded by a cup of coffee when he was eighteen months old. He reached for a biscuit tin and knocked the cup of coffee over on himself. For anyone who thinks that a cup of coffee is minimal by comparison, you cannot imagine just how much damage it could do. He spent three months in hospital, and the treatment they gave him to cover his burns (like a plastic skin) left him partially deaf. My uncle blames himself to this day because he was there/believes he didn?t act quickly enough/should have done more etc. But my cousin grew up to live a normal life (he is 39 now) and in truth there was nothing that could have been done to prevent what ultimately happened. My aunt and uncle stayed together and ended up going through more heartbreak (second child died as a baby, 3rd child developed luchemia (sp?) and there was always some element of one or the other parent blaming themselves for what happened and asking what-if, when in truth fate had just dealt them a bloody awful hand. They are still together now.

You have all been through a very difficult trauma, and that does also include your dh. There are no rules that say you have to stay in this marriage if that?s not what you want. But leaving the marriage will not undo what happened, and one day your dd may well want to know why her parents are not together any more, and if she doesn?t hold her dad responsible, she may grow to resent you if you could not move on.

It really is not about forgiveness as accidents are accidents. But if you want to move on from this you need to start communicating with each other. Because the longer you hold off talking, the harder it will become, until you fall into a cycle of not doing so.

Talk to him. No blame, no recrimination, just have a conversation. Be a couple, have a night in front of the television or get in a takeaway and bring back some normality to your relationship, and your lives. The need to talk about what happened will come, but in the meantime you need to find you, and each other again, even if that?s only through small steps. And once you can relate to one another again you will feel more comfortable talking about what happened, and moving on from that, together.

[Xmasbaby11]

What a horrendous situation - cannot read and not respond. This would be any mother's nightmare and even contemplating it is extremely difficult.

These are dark times for you - and your family - and I think you are doing very well to be able to write about it so concisely and openly. I do not know if I could forgive him, even though I believe what he now lives with is perhaps even worse than how you feel. I think it is worth trying to forgive him for the good of your family and because he made a genuine mistake. It will take a long time to forgive him and perhaps some form of therapy together is needed.

Do you have the support of family and friends?

[Oakmaiden]

I liked Wannabe's post.

And also - not to make you feel bad, Op, but do you want your daughter to blame your husband too? Because if you blame him, then she is bound to realise that, and that will be a terribly difficult thing for her to come to terms with.

What has happened to your family is so awful I don't want to think about it. But more than anyone, your husband must feel like shit. He didn't want her to get hurt, and yet something he did has had such terrible repercussions. I feel sorry for you all, but I cannot imagine how dreadful your husband must feel.

Can I ask - has he told you the sequence of events? Because I was wondering - from what you said either they were both caught in the explosion and despite his own injuries his first thought/action was to help his daughter, or was he hurt trying to help her? Can you try to let that influence your feelings? That despite his stupidity at having the petrol there in the first place, when it happened his thoughts were for your child?

My thoughts are with you, and I hope your family are able to heal.

[elastamum]

bullet, I can't imagine how awful this must be for you all.

I think that as a family you will face many challenges moving forwards. If you can find a way to forgive and to re connect as a couple it will be much, much easier for all of your chldren to remain in a stable family unit, than to also deal with the strain of seperation and family breakdown. I'm a working single parent with two children and I think yours will need both of you around to support them through the next few years. You worry about your daughter and your sons, but can you imagine what life would be like with you alone shouldering the burden.

I sincerly hope that you can find peace to help you through this really difficult time.

[vannah]

A hug to you bullet. My story echoes yours.

In a nutshell my toddler was badly burned in an accident caused by my husband. Our marriage has barely survived. I blamed him for similar reasons to yours. Pre-accident, he was careless and left many hazards around the house, I knew something horrific would one day happen.

I found it hard to forgive him because he lied to me about how the accident happened. You are better than me, I blamed him and put him down continuously until he finally told me how the accident really happened. Then I just felt so sad, it could have happened with me. But it was too late. He hated me for the way that I reacted and went on to have affairs. Our marriage is almost over, but could have been saved it had been dealt with at the time. I think wannabe's post is very good.

I understand exactly what you feel. I brought my daughter through, and our home became a dark place.
If there were not any other issues in your marriage then I feel this could be saved. It took me about 2 yrs before I could let go. People told me to 'pull my socks up' and get over it. My daughter was also at Chelmsford. She is also scarred for life. But happy like yours.

you are most welcome to pm me if you would like to talk more.
Im so sorry this has happened.

[GodKeepsGiving]

I think gypsycat said it really well on page 2. You are already under a massive amount of strain, thinking about your relationship might well be better left until things are more stable. I would be furious too. I think you are being very compassionate to acknowledge the effect it has had on him too. I am very, very sorry that this has happened to your family. I realise that it is your DD who is physically ill but you are all suffering in your own ways. I am praying for you - I hope you don't mind. I wish there was more I could do for you

[eminencegrise]

I just saw this I am so sorry for you all.

I agree with Quint, Wannabe and C'est la vie.

I hope you can source some counselling for all of you.

You do not have to end your marriage and family life. There is a way forward for you and your family.

Much hugs to you.

[IdRatherBeInBed]

I am so sorry to read this :( How awful.
{hugs} xxxx

[eminencegrise]

No one would ever want to see their child like this. It was an accident. I hope there is room for forgiveness. Are you religious? Perhaps you can also see someone of your faith if you are, in addition to secular counselling. Many people here poo-poo people who are religious, but it is a source of much comfort and peace for many so if you are yourself do not discount telling someone in clergy everything you have said here. They will not judge and can help.

[ll31]

hope your child is doing ok - I think accidents do happen - no one really expects them too - no matter how obvious once they;ve happened it seems .... I suppose I qwould think about your dd - would she want ur husband to be blamed, u seperated from him etc - I do think once u have kids their interest has to be top priority, not yours or your husbands - so all I'd suggest is think of it from ur dds point of view - hwat would she want..
best wishes to you all

[empirestateofmind]

I am so sorry to read this too. What a terrible situation. You have obviously been so strong and are carrying a huge burden. Yet there is no end in sight. You have to face a huge challenge every single day. Wishing you more strength to continue this journey for the sake of all your children.

[carantala]

Dear op. Am so sorry to read about this awful accident and send best wishes to you all. I know the excellent burns unit in question and, hopefully, your little girl will make a full recovery eventually with your continued care and love and the expertise of all the professionals; poor little thing did not deserve this!

Your H was a thoughtless idiot! Make sure that he has plenty of zinc in his diet and he will heal more quickly.

Years ago, my H was responsible for a dreadful incident which hurt my 2 young DC (not seriously) and I never trusted him again. He's my XH now.

Once again, very best wishes to you all, especially your DC, and hope that you are able to stay strong through this traumatic and earth-shattering experience.

[Stockett]

I read this last night and had nothing to add, this morning all I can think is that I would struggle to stay with someone was careless in this risky way when my kids were around.

But if I knew I had someone who would pull one of my kids from a fire, and be clear headed enough to put out the flames and get them straight in the bath I'd never let them go.

I hope you find a way through, we have experience of burns treatment and it's hideous, just take each day at a time, and make sure they both do their exercises.

Thinking of you all.

[spooktrain]

I have been thinking and thinking about you OP and imagining you going through this awful daily routine of distressing treatments for your daughter, and feeling guilty you are letting your DSs down, and having to shoulder all the burden of the family and an injured DH, and probably feeling you are letting work down too, and in all of there is a kernel of hate hardening in your heart - screaming 'This is ALL HIS FAULT'. I will never get my life back and it is ALL HIS FAULT.

Anger is a natural part of any grieving process, but in this case it has a clear target to lock onto. You sound like you are gradually getting locked into anger, it is becoming your modus operandi.

I don't know, but maybe forgiveness could be a release for you too - letting go of this anger, which is turning inwards and becoming destructive, might help you feel better. I second the idea of individual counselling to help you to process this terrible trauma and its consequences, and move through the different stages of grieving.

You can't change what has happened, but you can change the present and coming to terms with it to get to a better place. To get to a place where you can say to your husband: I love you even though you are responsible for all this. You did that and I still love you.