So here's my story - read it and weep (you have been warned)

[BulletProofMum]

I am married with three lovely children (6, 4, 20m). On the first day of the summer holidays I was preparing a barbecue on one side of the house whilst my husband was trying to light a bonfire on the other. He was looking after the baby or was toddling around the courtyard with her dolls pushchair. The older children wer inside watching t.v.

I heard shouting and then my eldest calling on me. I went round to find the bonfire out of control and my daughter's pushchair at the base of it. I went inside to find my husband sobbing and the skin hanging off his hands and arms. My daughter was in the bath screaming. What I thought were her clothes hanging off her was her skin. The ambulance took forever. My daughter was taken first to a hospital 25 min away and my husband to another. She was intially asessed as having 70 % burns. They battled to stabilise her, no one would answer my question ' will she be alright'? She was stablised, ventilated and transferred to a specialist burnes unit in Essex. She spent 32 days in intensive care, underwent 7 operations, survived 2 bouts of pneumonia, partial lung collapse, GI failure, metabolic instability. It was a roller coaster. The first two weeks were critical and she was extremely poorly. Numerous heart breaking conversations were had - I can't descibe the pain of those weeks. My husband was at the same hospital wit 15 % burns.

Once she turned the corner her progress has been fantastic. She has grafts to her face, hands, tummy, legs and large scars all over. Three times a day I have to cream and masage her, apply silicon gels and dressings, and then put on pressure garments (tight mask, gloves, leggings and body suit) that make her look like a super hero). She is extremely itchy and takes 5 drugs for this but still doesn't sleep well and scratches constantly. It wakes about 3/4 hr to do it properly. She develped blood clots so needs twice daily injections of a type of warfarin that I administer. My husband can't help and his hands are slow to heal (he had grafts up to hs elbows) and he has limited movement and pain in his hands.

So - my life is crap! My beautiful bay girls is scarred and uncomfortable (although copes remarkably well). I constantyl have to go through her massaing routine which she is becoming more tolerant of but is staill ahrd. The worst bi is puting on the gloves. She runs to my husband after I have doen the crap bit. We are back and forward to hospital (2 hr each way) once or twice a week. My poor boys have to play second fiddle all the time and I barely saw them throughout the summer. They are wonderfult o ehr though and super protective. Everywhere we go we are stared out and nudged (she wears a pink balaclava, the opressure garment).

However all this will improve as her scars mature (moths/years rather than weeks).

But here's the crux of it. Will I lose my marriage as well? My husband left a bottle of petrol, in a vegtable oil container, about 10 ft away from the bonfire, whilst in charge of a toddler. I don't know whether she picked it up but it was this that exploded. I have berated him 101 times about using petrol on bonfires, also on putting petrol (or any chemical) in stupid containers. He would give his life to turn the clock back and it was an accident. However it was a completely avoidable accident that I hold him 100% responsible for. He is a broken man but as time goes on I am finidng it harder to forgive rather than easier. What are my other options? A single mum working full time with three small children, one of whom needs an awful lot of care? I just don't know.

[BulletProofMum]

BH - thanks. It's what I need to focus on.

[toastandmarmiterocks]

Bullet, I think you've taken the first step. You are desperate to keep your marriage, you want to remain as a family. The emotions you are feeling now are so strong but as your DD recovers and with the passing of time you will be in a better position to deal with your relationship with DH. For now you need to be strong for your children, don't feel you have to forgive him. The passing of time will certainly help.

[Maybee]

Really sorry for you and your whole family. A good counsellor is probably a wise route as many have suggested. I agree that we all probably taken the odd risk with our kids and had real moments of relief when things have turned out fine at times but I think petrol near a fire with a young child/ren is certainly on another level. I think feeling the way you have said towards your dh is more than understandable and although blame is not healthy and i'm sure he feels dreadful, you are only human and will have all kinds of feelings about him and the situation. Take your time and seek advice on how to move forward as a family when you are ready.
What a situation for you all. All the best.

[meanieinthecupboard]

Big hugs to you and your children especially your little girl.

i am so sorry you are going through this. I don't know if I could forgive my DH but I do think it is too early and raw to decide. Give youself time. You probably need his support for now anyway.

poster who said Op was being cruel to her DH WTF? Really have a word. If that was my DH, the least I would do is berate him. He did something very very stupid and it has very severe consequences.

[meanieinthecupboard]

glad to see DOha has apologised.

[QuintessentialShadow]

It is only natural that you mourn the life you had. It did change your lives, and you cant turn back the clock. I think you need to find a way to focus on rebuilding a new and different life together.

I know you say you dont berate your husband and blame him openly. But surely he knows. Have you spoken about the accident, been honest with each other about what you feel?

It is hard to live with other peoples blame. I know that. My husband blames me that we uprooted our happy family from London and went to Norway, could nearly have lost our business and livelyhood in the process, have experienced insurmountable amounts of stress, plus we have spent a lot of money we dont have on now two international moves, and it seems our oldest have really suffered emotionally for the last three years, all because we moved. I know it is not life shattering, and I know it cant compare with your experience, but living with blame for things going wrong is not easy. And from my experience, my husband has a very selective memory and seem to brush under the carpet his part in the decision making process, which makes it even harder for me. All we can do is look forward and make the best out of the choices we have made.

I really feel for you all, and hope life will start improving for you.

[sherbetpips]

Firstly let me say I am so so sorry that this has happened to your family.
There is a famous car sticker that says 'shit happens'. I have watched near accidents happen so so many times, I have done things that potentially could have led to disaster more than a few times but for whatever reason, me, my son and DH are all happy and intact. Every so often however the hand of fate decides it going to get someone, and it chose your family.
Should your husband have had petrol near a bonfire with kids - no, should you have been on the other side lighting another fire, when you knew he was building a bonfire and therefore not taking care of the kids, probably not. The reality is on that particular day fate decided to play its hand and you and your family paid for it, big time.
Blaming yourself, him, petrol or whatever, doesn't change anything for you. People bang on about forgiveness but its biggest power is that it allows you to focus on what is important now, and that is your family and your daughter.
You are overwhelmed by the horror you went though, as is your husband, albeit with different issues. There will be enough challenges in life for your daughter in the future but one thing I can say for sure, is she will face them a lot stronger, with both of you by her side. She has, or will have forgiven you both, the question then becomes will you both be willing to find a way to forgive each other - I truly hope you can and I wish you every bit of strength in doing so.

[cestlavielife]

you both need counselling.

it was an accident.
with hindsight, running barbecue and a bonfire at same time was a mistake.

but it happened. sh&t happens.

what you need now is
counselling for both of you together and apart - psot traumatic stress etc CBT etc

practical practical help - lots of practical help - why are you the only one doing dressings etc?

get someone to come help you with dressings and so on - community nurses? trained volunteers? ask SS and maybe get SS direct payments to pay for someone trained to come and help when you decide?

do your H and Dd both now count as disabled?

can you get DLA for both of them (to pay for extra help)

can you access more services thru this?

support for you all as a family - your other DC also need support - burns victoms family support via hospital?

ask charities for special outings etc for the whole family - like
www.make-a-wish.org.uk/
www.edenbridgetown.com/charities/dial_a_dream.shtml
wishes4kids.co.uk/home.html

call www.whenyouwishuponastar.org.uk/lapland.html and get all of you on a plane to lapland this year

some will give eg holidays or trips to disaney land etc for whole family

etc - ask at the hospital they will know which ones you can approach.

there can be some good coming of all this.
dont let it destroy your family. even if you do split as H and W- it doesnt have to destroy everything.

get the help you need for you, your DC -all of them - and for your H.

if you have to split -well so be it; but move forward not backwards.

[CharlieBoo]

I am so so sorry for your family and what you've been through! What a thoroughly awful situation to say the least. It has and will change your lives forever. It sounds like you've been an absolute rock to your family.

Your husband must feel like shit day in and day out, in all of this he must be suffering so much mentally and emotionally. It was an accident, it was foolish to have the petrol accessible and in a plastic container yes, but then I don't think I could even contemplate a bonfire in my garden with a toddler wandering round with a buggy, let alone a bonfire and a BBQ. we don't even have the fire on at home with my two, who are older. It's easy to blame and be angry, it's a natural reaction. No matter how much you blame your husband, nothings going to change, the horror has happened, you need to move on as a family.... No matter how hard it is, give him a hug and tell him you love him and you will get through this. You need each other and the kids sure as hell need you on the same team.

I'm so sorry this has happened to your family and poor dd! Big hugs xxx

[BulletProofMum]

We go through phases of talking but happened for a while. At fitst I could do the hug and it'l be alright now I find it hard.

I know things will get easier, it's the only way it acn go. I hope we can be happy again.

In terms of support - her care is complicated. The nursery nurses (I'm back at work three days a week) have been wonderful and do all of her creaming etc during teh day. The community nurse has offered to help and came once on my birthday so I coiuld enjoy a day to myself. I have asked for them to cover me so I can attend a conference I'm speaking at in a couple of weeks. She needs here injections twice a day (roughly 7/7): 'ooh not sure we can help, we only work 9-5', she'll back to me. OTher than that it's hard to ask anyone to help - it's not nice doing it and DD finds it distressing. We have an au pair (a whole set of different problems) wh helps with the boys, I tried to involve her more in DD's care but she is reluctant. She looks after her occasionally and baths her but doesn't like to cream her. DH can't do it physically.

Ther is the burned childrens club (support group) and I will get round to joining.

We are waiting for an organisition to contact us (we're on their 'list') and they will assess what other support (financial or otherwise) that we may be entitled do. We have a nice house and nice life with the usual trimmings. This also means high outgoings, DH is in sales and so whilst receieiving his basic we've not had his commission. My company have been fantasic and supported me throughout on full salary, 3 months off and current part time working. It cost £50 petrol to go to the hospital (twice a week). This has hit us hard financially. I think my salary will probably mean that we have no entitlement to aditional support but I'll wait and see.

[Pakdooik]

OP nothing to say but HUGS!

[Grainger]

Anyone can make a mistake, I'm sure we've all done silly things we shouldn't have in the past. Who hasn't gone over the speed limit? Plenty of people would consider themselves fine to drive after a glass of wine etc. Noone ever thinks it will happen to them. Most of us don't have to live with the consequences of our actions 24/7.

I know this has been unbelievably shit for you. I can imagine the toll it's had on your marriage. But it will get better. It's still very early days. And as much as your hubby was incredibly stupid, he didn't do it on purpose.

[bemybebe]

Do check if you can get DLA to help you with transport costs to and from the hospital!

[Grainger]

Apologies for using the word silly. It wasn't meant to trivialise your situation btw.

[Doha]

Are you in Scotland OP, l would gladly help out with the creams and injections if you are anywhere near me. I am sure other nurses on MN would help out too.

[MerryMarigold]

Wow. That's an amazing story and very intense. I am so glad she lived. As I was reading, I was already dreading the outcome. What can I say? I have wondered about this scenario before in my own life. I have even said to dh, "If ds dies when you are doing that, I will never forgive you." (Things like driving when he's tired, nothing more).

However, I do know 'the theory' which is that the person unforgiveness hurts most is you. In this case, also your children. I have no idea how you can get over this, but I'd say the first place to start is in WANTING to forgive him - for everyone's benefit. Then you will be able to find how to do it, even if it takes many years. One thought I have is that this could have been you - in a different situation, perhaps a car crash or a road accident. I do genuinely often think that when people have wronged me - I could have done something just as 'bad' or 'careless' but in a different context.

You are amazing to have gone through all of this and I am sure the physical strength you have learned you have will see you through the emotional times ahead. Many hugs and best wishes.

[BulletProofMum]

Thanks - I most definitely want to forgive. I really don't want want to loas m marriage and no I have to forgive. Rationally I know it was an accident, I just feel myself hardening rather than softening as time goes by,. Writing this has been some what cathartic and I appreciate all the views posted.

[BulletProofMum]

apologies for the dreadful typing!
know / no!

[confidence]

God how awful.

I can't imagine how your DH must feel. Stories like this just make me think "there but for the grace of God go I". I'm probably as careful as most parents, but who has never taken a risk from having to make a split second decision over something, or overlooked something and then thought afterwards, "OMG, thank God that didn't..."

Some years ago I taught the piano to a paraplegic, and severely disabled above the waist up as well, boy in a wheelchair. Turned out he had been in a car accident that was his dad's fault. I never met the dad but have never forgotten wondering how utterly crushing that would be, so much moreso than hurting or damaging oneself. Particularly now I'm a dad myself, I just can't imagine anything as awful as looking at my beautiful boy in a wheelchair and thinking "I did that".

What's the long term prognosis for your baby? Will she be pretty much OK in the end?

I don't know how careless your DH is/was generally and how hard it would be to get away from being consumed by blame. Petrol next to a bonfire - certainly pretty extreme by anyone's book. OTOH I think we can safely say he won't do it again...

But I'm sure he needs you more than ever.

[feralgirl]

Got nothing extra to add but just sending very un-mn hugs and my deepest respect for your strength and tenacity (and my DH says the same, I've just read this to him and it's really upset him).

[Bobits]

I am so very sad for you and your family.
I admire your strength.

People can be so thoughtless and insensitive - staring and nudging. It is more a reflection on them and not you and your family, but it still hurts.

Try to not feel guilt for your boys, children need love more than anything - reassure and tell them, they will understand :)

You all have suffered and emotional wound which will take much time to heal.
Feelings are a powerful thing, don't deny or hide them. Forgiveness is not for others but for oneself and the opposite is anger and resentment.
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN when you say you are finding it harder than easier as time goes on. I think it might be because if you are not talking enough, your feelings of anger are getting greater because you haven't told your DH directly. You know he regrets his actions but he hasn't verbally said it. Only when you tell someone exactly why you are feeling resentment and then they have apologised and taken responsibility and held themself accountable for their actions can you begin the process of forgiveness and healing.

I think you your 3 babies are very lucky to have such a strong mum and should be very proud of you. xo

[NonnoMum]

Lots of love to you and your whole family.

This advice is meant to help... You and your DH BOTH decided to barbeque/bonfire at the same time. Yes, your DH had the petrol but you BOTH decided to barbeque/bonfire with three young children in the house...

It was a terrible accident but you can't lay the blame entirely with him.

And, as others have said, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

We've all done silly things, sometimes with no consequence, sometimes, very sadly with.

Try and stick together.

[HansieMom]

Has he ever told you exactly what happened? Perhaps I missed it, but I have not seen that answered yet. There had been petrol in an incorrect container ten feet away, child playing nearby, him making big fire (ah, big fire, exciting stuff), and then what? Child picks it up and approaches fire? And he does not see her pick it up, nor see her get closer and closer? I'm sorry, but he was so irresponsible and so stupid!

[RachelHRD]

So sorry for what you are going through - I also have a 20 month old DD so can only imagine how you must be feeling with it all. Echo PP's re applying for DLA - it isn't means tested and is all to do with how your DD's condition affects you as a carer. My DD has complex health issues due to birth defects and I have just been awarded DLA for her - it's not a huge amount but it all helps.

I think you are wise to see how things go with DH - it's still very raw for all of you and I bet he must hate himself for what has happened but your family need both of you. Proper counselling is also worthwhile to help you through this.

Big hugs you are being very strong x