So here's my story - read it and weep (you have been warned)

[BulletProofMum]

I am married with three lovely children (6, 4, 20m). On the first day of the summer holidays I was preparing a barbecue on one side of the house whilst my husband was trying to light a bonfire on the other. He was looking after the baby or was toddling around the courtyard with her dolls pushchair. The older children wer inside watching t.v.

I heard shouting and then my eldest calling on me. I went round to find the bonfire out of control and my daughter's pushchair at the base of it. I went inside to find my husband sobbing and the skin hanging off his hands and arms. My daughter was in the bath screaming. What I thought were her clothes hanging off her was her skin. The ambulance took forever. My daughter was taken first to a hospital 25 min away and my husband to another. She was intially asessed as having 70 % burns. They battled to stabilise her, no one would answer my question ' will she be alright'? She was stablised, ventilated and transferred to a specialist burnes unit in Essex. She spent 32 days in intensive care, underwent 7 operations, survived 2 bouts of pneumonia, partial lung collapse, GI failure, metabolic instability. It was a roller coaster. The first two weeks were critical and she was extremely poorly. Numerous heart breaking conversations were had - I can't descibe the pain of those weeks. My husband was at the same hospital wit 15 % burns.

Once she turned the corner her progress has been fantastic. She has grafts to her face, hands, tummy, legs and large scars all over. Three times a day I have to cream and masage her, apply silicon gels and dressings, and then put on pressure garments (tight mask, gloves, leggings and body suit) that make her look like a super hero). She is extremely itchy and takes 5 drugs for this but still doesn't sleep well and scratches constantly. It wakes about 3/4 hr to do it properly. She develped blood clots so needs twice daily injections of a type of warfarin that I administer. My husband can't help and his hands are slow to heal (he had grafts up to hs elbows) and he has limited movement and pain in his hands.

So - my life is crap! My beautiful bay girls is scarred and uncomfortable (although copes remarkably well). I constantyl have to go through her massaing routine which she is becoming more tolerant of but is staill ahrd. The worst bi is puting on the gloves. She runs to my husband after I have doen the crap bit. We are back and forward to hospital (2 hr each way) once or twice a week. My poor boys have to play second fiddle all the time and I barely saw them throughout the summer. They are wonderfult o ehr though and super protective. Everywhere we go we are stared out and nudged (she wears a pink balaclava, the opressure garment).

However all this will improve as her scars mature (moths/years rather than weeks).

But here's the crux of it. Will I lose my marriage as well? My husband left a bottle of petrol, in a vegtable oil container, about 10 ft away from the bonfire, whilst in charge of a toddler. I don't know whether she picked it up but it was this that exploded. I have berated him 101 times about using petrol on bonfires, also on putting petrol (or any chemical) in stupid containers. He would give his life to turn the clock back and it was an accident. However it was a completely avoidable accident that I hold him 100% responsible for. He is a broken man but as time goes on I am finidng it harder to forgive rather than easier. What are my other options? A single mum working full time with three small children, one of whom needs an awful lot of care? I just don't know.

[Pancakeflipper]

Doha - she is not berating him now. I read it that she told him 101 times prior to the accident about safety.

She doesn't know if she can forgive. Totally separate things. And that feeling of not thinking you can forgive someone just eats you up because you want to.
And everyone wants the clock to go back.

I would take each day at a time OP. You have a lot of shock and trauma to work through. You'll have been in auto-pilot whilst in hospital and initially getting back home. Now reality is hitting home.
Get all the help you can... Try all the forms of support until you find one that really helps.

[winnybella]

I would find it very hard to forgive, especially that you told him off for being irresponsible with it many times.

But now it's not a good time to be making any decisions, imo. Give yourself few months, a year.

I'm very sorry for what happened to your DD.

[Rillyrillygoodlooking]

What a terrible situation to be in. I understand that on your part forgiveness is not readily forthcoming, and it is no surprise given the circumstances. Your poor little girl and poor poor you. It sounds like you are doing the right thing by giving yourself time.

[OliPocket]

DOHA - The OP says she 'berated him 101 times about using petrol on bonfires, also on putting petrol (or any chemical) in stupid containers' NOT for the accident and it's consequences.

OP - I am so sorry you're going through this. I don't know how I would feel in this situation but completely understand where you're coming from. Take care of yourselves.

[LaPruneDeMaTante]

I'm very sorry about what happened to your daughter.
I can't really imagine what I would do, but I think it might depend on what things were like before the accident.
I don't know. I think you're wise to leave it for a year.

[duvetdayplease]

Doha - you've made your point, but I think the OP needs support. I'm guessing this exact scenario is not something you've been thru so ease off on the judgment.

OP - my heart goes out to you. Please be kind to yourself and be proud that you are coping so well in the circumstances. This is a trauma, and trauma brings anger, guilt etc even where there is no obvious cause, in your case there is something to focus on so it is natural to do so.

I am so sorry that there are no quick or easy answers for you. I hope you get support and help and love.

[toastandmarmiterocks]

Oh your poor DD and your poor family, all of you. I absolutely agree that some kind of counselling would be helpful. I also don't think you should be making such decisions about your marriage now. There is so much at stake. Your boys have been through so much as well as your DD. Splitting up now would not make things better. Try not to torture yourself, you do not have to forgive your husband now if ever but you do need to find a way to carry on whether you are together or not. The most important thing is caring for your children, once DD is a little bit more recovered and life is back on track you can put your mind to how you feel about your DH.

I think it is such early days, I wouldn't be able to forgive my DH something like that so soon. Think about your marriage pre-accident, your family life etc. Has the accident made you stop loving your DH? So much to think about, you poor thing.

I really hope your DD continues to heal well.

[nickelbabe]

yes, Doha - I also read it as she berated him before the accident - to prevent it. (grammatical tense error made it read differently)
She hasn't berated him since the accident, and she's said that she's trying to act normally.

BPM [big hugs]
It will be hard for a long time, and obviously, you know that. It's such a big thing. :(
You do need to stick with the counselling though - maybe some CBT?

[BulletProofMum]

I guess we need to start on relationship counselling. We are not 'talking' enough about what has happened.

Our marriage was happy enough before hand. Usual prblems most couples have with small children but nothing major or worrying

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

Bullet, I don't think you're cruel. I think you're suffering under immense stress and strain, and broken hearted every time you look at your precious DD, and frightened about the future. I think you probably look at the man you married, and trusted to take care of you and your children, and don't know how to feel now that he 'caused' this unimaginable pain to your baby. I think you are trying to hold everything together, as if it is normal, when it isn't and never will be the 'normal' you had before again. I think I'd be furious at the whole world, DH, the fates, whatever, in your shoes. I think my rage would be all consuming, and the worse for having to be hidden because the day to day care must be done. I don't think you're cruel. I think you're amazing.

[ArtVandelay]

I just wanted to say how sorry I was to hear your story and also that I really don't think I would ever forgive my DH for doing something like that. I don't think he'd forgive me either. So no judgement from me on how you are feeling. I just really admire you for keeping going.

[gypsycat]

I don't think right now is the time to be making any decisions regarding your marriage. You're under a great deal of stress and no doubt a lot of emotional turmoil, and the last thing you need to do is put more strain on yourself by tackling a divorce. I agree with all of those who urged you to get some counseling, and I would probably get your husband to attend counseling as well (albeit separately from each other for the time being).

I don't think you should feel bad about being unable to forgive him, you feel how you feel, and if your marriage does fail because of this, then I also don't think you should feel bad about that, but for the time being your daughter & sons need you both to be strong and stick together.

[bemybebe]

This is a terrible story. Huge sympathies to you and your family OP!

There is nothing to forgive. It was an accident. Was done out of the malicious intent it would be a completely different story. You may feel that your dh was stupid in the way he acted, which is fair enough, your feelings for him may have changed as a result of his actions and this is fair enough, but there is nothing in your story to suggest that you are in a position to forgive or not.

OP, please continue with your counselling, maybe seek a different counselor if you are not happy with the present one. Your feelings are completely normal and valid but you do need help to properly rationalize what happened in the context of your relationship. Maybe you will decide to split and maybe it is for the best, but do not act just yet. Too emotional right now.

Hugs.

[noddyholder]

Forgiveness is everything

[planetpotty]

I'm indeed in tears writing this. I'm so sorry this has happened.

Most definitely see a counsellor together, you have so much to deal with as a family you need some help to give you the guidance to get through these difficult times .
I'm sure you must be emotionally and physically pushed further than you thought you would ever cope with, but you are doing it! keep going brighter days will come.

Send a huge huge ((hug))

[itsatiggerday]

BPM, I'm so sorry too, what a dreadful time for you all. I just wanted to echo others saying don't rush into anything.

I do know that there are stats re the very high break up rate of couples who suffer the death of a child, and I'm guessing that this scenario is similar in many ways, especially when one of the couple bears some responsibility for it that the other doesn't. Some of it also seems to be learning how to handle things when each of you grieve in different ways, and if nothing else, you're clearly having to deal with the fall out in different spheres.

I think you're right, you will need to think about counselling, because there are real issues here about how each of you is feeling which aren't going to just go away, they will fester unless you work through them. Even if you separated, he is still your children's father so you will have some kind of relationship with him which you need to be able to deal with. I would also encourage you that friends of mine who have had to deal with the death of their son do say positively that no one else really knows how it feels than the other parent, so they are also glad to have worked things through so they can support each other.

[Catsdontcare]

What a terrible thing I'm so sorry for you all.

At first I could only see that your husband was totally to blame and probably wouldn't be able to forgive him either but I have read the first paragraph of you OP again and although your husband was very very stupid I think it was an accident that happened because 2 busy parents like most of us do at one time or the other took their eye off the ball for a moment.

I can't judge there have been moments of carelessness and lack of thought in my house that I look back on and think "jesus christ where was my head?" it was only sheer luck that we didn't end up in a horrific position like yours or similar.

I pray that your little girl continues to recover and that as a family you are able to find some peace.

[HeresTheThingBooyhoo]

i have no advice, only a huge amount of sympathy. this is heartbreaking. i am in tears reading this.

i would find this incredibly hard to forgive. that isn't to say i wouldn't try but it would be very hard.

only time can help you move on and you will know how you fill as things get back (slowly) to a 'normal' way of life.

i am wishing you massive amounts of strength to get through this. and for your DH. this must be so hard for him too.

[Doha]

Apologies OP but l read it as you were continuing to berate him since that accident, l completly take back the bit about being cruel.

duverdayplease do not presume to know anything about me. I have worked in Canniesburn Hospital, which is the BIG plastic surgery hospital in Scotland. I have seen burns etc and know the fall out that comes with it. That is why l suggested counselling which would benefit them both individually and as a couple. Too many relationships fall apart after a major trauma in life.

OP i truely wish you and your family all the best in the difficult yeras that are ahead

[duvetdayplease]

Hi, I just typed and lost message so this will be less eloquent than my first I expect!

BPM - I honestly think it is early for relationship counselling, after such a trauma I would think you have only just started to process what happened. I don't think it is uncommon to talk less after a major shock. My younger child almost died and it took 18 months before my husband and I were even out of the dark really.

Perhaps joint counselling about the incident itself would be helpful, but do go easy on yourselves. It is hard for people who are hurting to have good relationships, you must both be hurting so much. The question really is how to deal with that hurt and keep going with the key priorities in your family. In some ways it doesn't matter whether you can be with your husband long term or forgive him, what matters now is how you get through this month, and the year ahead.

I remember when I was in the aftermath of my son's illness I was desperate for everything to be better, one of the worst things was seeing the impact it was having on me, my elder child, my marriage, my whole life. But sadly we can't rush through the process of adjustment we have to make after a big shock, especially a shock with long term consequences for a loved one.

I know there are organisations supporting burns victims and their parents/carers - have you had any support from them? I just wonder if it would be good to speak to other people who have experienced something close to what you have.

I second the poster who said you sound amazing. You do.

[takeonboard]

What a tragedy, I cannot begin to understand what you and your whole family are living through.

All I can say is no one however strong could get through this intact without help. I would recommend counselling for you and if your husband agrees for him and possibly couples counselling. Don't underestimate what you have been through and are living through every day, you could even be suffering from post-traumatic stress. All your strength is used up on your poor daughter - quite rightly, but you need help to sort out your own feelings and save your relationship.

You are going to need a lot more strength over the coming months and years, don't hesitate to reach out to the professionals for help.

[Blu]

I am so sorry.
You are a remarkable woman and deserve all the medals going for the care you have given your little girl and the strength you have shown.
But I know you have had no choice, just had to get on with it.
The alone-ness of those first weeks must have been immense, and as you say, you were left to deal with it without the support of your DH.
I can't imagine that anything anyone else can ever say can be as damning as how your DH feels towards himself, and his beloved child will be a lifelong reminder of his mistake.
But you live with that too.
Your dd needs love and support more than ever.
Forgiveness may enable the two of you to provide that support better together, but I don't think you should torture yourself with what you ought to do or feel, or what you should do or feel.
Maybe some independent trauma counselling for you, more time, time, time, and maybe then some couple counselling? Because even if you cannot ultimately live with him, you are both still her parents for ever.

And thank goodness there IS an ongoing 'for ever' for her.

Best wishes to all of you for her continued healing and your ongoing strength.

[Blu]

I often think to myself how lucky i am that none of my mistakes have had catastrophic results.

Many, many people make mistakes, take risks, do the wrong thing at the wrong moment, and by the grace of god, or luck, no-one suffers. Are those people less culpable for their mistakes than those who make the exact same mistake but the results are horrific?

I don't know, have no answer, but all of us have a heart-jolting moment where we thank our lucky stars that the worst didn't happen.

[chubbasmum]

omg i am actually fighting back my tears you poor woman my heart really does go out to you as stupid as he was im sure he is being punished by the guilt feeling of causing the family such pain i wish your daughter well i know its too soon but hope you will forgive him and move on because hate can consume you its not good for the kids big hug coming your way xxxxxxxxxx