Ex Wife and new relationship

[maby66]

Hi - I don't post often, but you can see my history in the "partners of alcoholics" thread pt2 for a more detailed back story.
The shortened version is that I told my wife to leave the marital home in April this year, and we share the children, with me having the majority of the time.
I had suspencted that she had a new relationship, which she had denied, then admitted a "friend with benefits".

Today the children have come home from her place with stories of her friend that came over both days at the weekend, and had brought them presents.

I'm not that bothered about her new relationship, but am concerned about how the children will react or possibly be confused about things. He did not stay the night.

Obviously I have no previous experience in marital breakup, but I do feel that it all seems very soon for the children to have to deal with a mum thats moved out, a new place to live/split their time and now a new person in their lives.

Am I wrong? Is there any advice that you can offer in how I can can maturely handle this/re-assure the kids?

I am a little confused: is she doing drink and drugs still? If so then you are entirely right to be concerned, as an active addict is not a good person to look after DC unsupervised.
If not, then her sex life is none of your business. Her tattoos and piercings are none of your business. Her friends are none of your business. Unless you think the DC are at risk of harm/neglect - other than spending time with people who have different opinions and attitudes to you - then you need to take a deep breath and keep your beak out.

Wow.
I'm a little sad that your reaction to this thread is it's none of your business, but a thread about introduction to another woman takes a completely different turn?
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1298843-Support-and-advice-re-introducing-my-children-to-his-OW-please-all-perspectives-welcome?pg=1

You have my sympathies maby, but having been there in the the past with my ex and his OW, and then his next GF in very short succession, the key question to ask yourself is are your children safe and secure, or at risk from her drug taking and drinking, if it is continuing.

If they are are risk. you would be right to intervene. BUT If you are happy that they are safe, there is unfortunately nothing you can do, as what she does when the children are with her is her choice.

The drinking is a worry. What I would suggest is that, with your exes agreement, you give your eldest a mobile phone to take to mums, with your numbers programmed in, so you, or her can call the children if you wish to, and they can call you if they ever need to. I suggested this to a friend of mine whose ex is an alchoholic and it meant that her son (9) could call her for help one day when his father passed out, through drink and anti depressants when he had their children with him. She then rang her BIL, who went round there, whilst she drove up to pick up the children.

I also gave my son (then 9) a mobile and he frequently calls me just to say hi when he is with dad, and I can call him, if I need to without intruding on their family time.

The most important thing is to build a safe and happy home for your children, so that even if there is change going on around them, they know that they are sercure with you in their home.

You cant fix your wife, so just look after your self and your children and build a new future for them.

Maby - you've been through an awful time. I can see that.

It does sound though, that your marriage was pretty terrible, and that the fact that it's now over is probably one of the best things that could happen for you personally, so I hope the next few years are happier one for you.

Your wife does sound damaged and I understand your concern for your children. But as you say, you are by nature 'a carer', so maybe you need to practice letting go of things you can't control. The best way you can care for your children is to provide them with stability, love and trust at this time of change, and they will love and respect you for that.

If you can, sit down for a coffee with your wife and talk about how and when you both feel it's appropriate to introduce new partners. It has to be a two-way conversation, it's not something you can lay the law down about, but you can certainly make your concerns known.

If it makes you feel any better. I got into a huge argument with my Ex over our children and the OW, when we first split. It did no good at all. He has now split with his wife, so is back on the scene nearby and I am fully expecting a new GF to pop up at some stage. But having negotiated our boundries as a divrced couple we get on fine.

My children were introduced to my new partner when my ex turned up at my house with them unexpectedly when my DP was there! He did me a favour, as they all got on fine and I would never have had the courage to introduce him that early on.

Turquoise, Elasta (great name) - thanks for your considered words.
It's probably a bit confusing in terms of times and things, but (probably for others reading) I want to be crystal clear - the only reason I cut and pasted the backstory post from 18th august was to give historical context to how we came to part, and why I have some of the concerns I have. At that time I had been hopeful about a reconciliation and was quite emotional, but I am past that now, and my focus is as you say on providing a safe, stable environment for the children.

The reason for starting this thread was only to get feedback on introduction of a new BF to the children, as I personally felt it was a little early, especially as I had been told that it was not a serious relationship.

I was hoping for some advice on how I could deal with it myself, and also how to answer questions from the children, and have seen some of the advice given in the 100emotions thread on children being introduced to OW. I have been negative about them having mobile phones at an early age, but in context I can see the positives.
Thank you.

At the end of this I am really just worried for the kids, not helped by a letter this morning saying that my daughter required remedial lessons as she is falling behind in class :(

Poor you. It is early for your ex to introduce a BF, but there isnt really anything you can do about it. Also, whilst you might think it helpful to disucuss these things it isnt your business what she does or her business what you do. You are seperated and you need to redefine the boundries of your relationship with your ex to those things that directly affect your children. My advice would be to limit your discussions to this and this only.

Be honest with the children, but try not to pass judgement on your ex or their choice of partner. I thought my exes wife was rather odd, but I would have never shared that with my children.

Its far more important to focus on supporting your children. Getting your daughter the extra support at school she requires. Trying to make time to help with homework. Not easy when you have to balance working to support everyone with being around to do the parenting. Being a single parent is tough, but it is the most rewarding thing you can do, for you and them

The difference between the 100emotions thread is that yours is pretty much a fait accompli - your ex hasn't discussed it with you and tried to work with you on it, she just had her bloke meet the kids . I doubt she'd be receptive to your concerns, having gone ahead like that already. So all you can really do is clear-up.

But on the bright side, he was introduced only as a friend of hers. I have more sympathy with your worries over whether there'll be a procession of blokes, having seen the backstory c&p. But she hasn't done too badly by just having him as a friend and not staying over, so I don't know - it could be worse?

Thank you Buzz and Elasta (once again).
I guess my frustration is that she doesn't think things through, and acts onthe spur of the moment - which I need to be more detached about, but it gets wound up in my protectiveness of the kids.

Am trying to progress mediation at the moment, as I think that may "shock" her into realising that she needs to change/be more aware of how to procedd as co-parents.

Oh - and Elasta, I am so happy spending time with them. If anything positive has come out of it, is it that I can focus quality time with them. Taking them up to London with their friends for the day (on my own!), taking my daughter for her first big girls haircut (full shampoo, blow dry - the works) - I'm really proud of them for coping, and miss them very much when they are not with me.

The thing is, even if your XP does have a succession of new partners, it's still none of your business unless she, or any of those partners, behaves in such a way as to risk the children's wellbeing.

I didn't post on 100 emotions' thread but would probably have offered similar advice to her: firstly, when you are no longer in a couple-relationship with someone, what they do is not your business unless it is putting DC at risk, secondly, children are not harmed by being aware that some adults have more than one 'special' friend, and that some of a parent's friends come and go.

Solid - I see your point, and in a normal circumstance I would agree with you.

My wariness stems from my XW being an alcoholic and substance user, and her BF being someone she met at AA, who will have had or has his own problems.

Given what my children have been exposed to in the last few years I feel I have earned the right to be protective where they are concerned. I think that best advice given so far is that the children have access to a mobile phone to call me if the want/need to.

SGB. I think you are confusing actual physical harm with the childrens emotional wellbeing. It isnt great being a child of a parent who's partners come and go.

I have a very good friend whose now grown up daughter was introduced to a sucession of her fathers 'friends'. She hated it and felt embarrassed to be there, which made her not want to go to his house as she grew up. Was she harmed? No, not physically. Did it harm her relatonship with her father, yes. She didnt see him for 3 years and has only just patched things up as an adult. She has always felt she came second to his girlfriends.

My children are embarassed by their fathers relationships since our split. Having to explain his frequent house moves to their friends and teachers, and their dissapearing step brothers and sisters that they no longer see isnt all that great for a young teen. My DS2 had a complete meltdown this morning bought on partly by the stress of his dads latest move and the impact on his life. He was crying so much he didnt go to school, which meant I didnt go to work.

Now it is still none of my business how my ex lives his life, but dont underestimate the effect on children's well being of the insecurity that seeing lots of partners can cause them to feel.

I think you're right to be concerned about who your ex could be bringing home and introducing to your children. Using AA as a dating agency is such a common occurance it's widely known as the "13th step". My ex has a habit of hooking up with random blokes from AA and introducing them to our DCs within days. I've bumped into a few of these men and at least a couple of them I'd have crossed the road to avoid. Yet my ex was happy to have them around our children.

Sadly, there is bugger-all you can do about it. I know it's hard and I know it's scary. But I had to bite my tongue and let it happen because there was no point in talking to my ex about it because she was very much of the opinion that if she had decided to do it then it was axiomatically the Right Thing to do. I had to pick my battles.

I absolutely agree that a mobile phone is a good idea and make sure they know how to use it. The social worker that was involved with my family for a while suggested exactly that when my DCs were due to have overnight stays with their mum. The tack I took with my DCs when they asked me why all these men seemed to be their mother's soul mate one day and written out of history the next was to simply tell the truth - "I don't know." But I would make sure that I sat with them and listened and reassured them that no matter what, they could rely on me.

Snorbs - thanks for the thoughts, and will bust out the pre-paid mobile. Can I ask how old yours are?
I had to google the phrase, and though I don't know the circumstances between the two of them getting together, it's sad that basically people preying on people who are vulnerable happens often enough for it to have a name.

As others have said, the more time/distance there is between us the more I see that this was unsustainable, and that I can focus on my life and the children.

yay snorbs has rocked up

oops, this is AF

mayb66, I'm in a very similar dilemma. I wish I could help.

Bloody hell, maby even. I can't spell tonight!

My two were 8 and 5 when it all really fell apart. (Blimey, I just realised that was five years ago! It doesn't seem that long). Unlike yours though, my ex carried on drinking which is why social services got involved.

You're right it is sad what happens in AA but it's unfortunately not that surprising. A lot of alcoholics are very well-practised at finding people to mooch off of. And/or they're so used to a life that is full of chaos and drama they they want to keep it going and serial shagging around can fit the bill nicely. And/or they cannot stand to be by themselves. I think my ex was a combination of all of that.

I really did find that the more emotional distance I could put between myself and my ex the calmer and more fun my own life was. That meant accepting her limitations and realising that it didn't matter what I did, there was nothing within my power to give her a big enough shock to get her to change. And there was no point in trying to negotiate or compromise because it all got thrown out and ignored whenever she decided she couldn't be bothered to stick to what we had agreed.

Instead, I made plans that suited my children and me. If those plans also happened to suit my ex then great! Everyone wins! If not then so sad, too bad, not my problem. I relied on her for nothing - if she didn't turn up for contact then I'd make sure I had a plan B. If she didn't pay child maintenance then I made sure I had enough money to cover what needed to be covered.

In not relying on her I stopped her ability to influence and control me because it didn't matter whether she did what she was supposed to do or not. I had it under control either way.

Maby66, I am disappointed that you didn't seem to get the same support that mothers in similar positions would receive but I completely understand your reservations. My Dss is in a position where his mum has had a succession of partners (& each one is supposed to be the 'one') so DSS has grownup with multiple partners living with his mum. There is absolutely nothing that you can do about it except encourage your DCs to talk to you about how they feel. Offer them the opportunity to be with you and have friends at your house. DSS HAS been impacted by his mothers decision (& would have been true had it been a dad with many partners).

He has witnessed his mum in the 'loved' up phase when her focus is on the new man and her social life is important, he then witnesses the new man moving in and the house rules change and he feels uncomfortable just hanging out at home, then he has to overcome the awkwardness of explaining to friends who the new man is..He cringes when he has to say it's his mum's boyfriend. He then witnesses the rows and eventually the relationship breakdown, where mum is upset, crying, telling DSS that they wont have enough money now that new man has now moved out....The recent breakup has not been happy or amicable and DSS has been asked by his mum to answer the door to her now ex when he has returned to get stuff..absolutely not appropriate for a child to have to handle..

So whilst I can't disagree with posters who say you can't do anything I disagree that you shouldn't be concerned..I would advocate to all parents that they delay moving a new partner in - the consequences for children are significant if the relationship fails. Also it's critical that you remain involved, when DSS's mum remarried she was very keen for her new husband to assume 'dad' duties since he was officially the stepdad. Thankfully for DSS, DH continued contact and even went to court for contact, the 1st stepdad is now no longer on the scene and DSS has zero contact with him even though he had been the stepparent for a period of time.

(btw, DSS's mum doesn't have any alcohol or drug issues, she would consider herself middle class & well educated but just unlucky choosing men!!).

Oh moving new partners in all the time is a bad idea. Mind you, rushing into living together is a bad, dumb idea whether you have DC or not - but it's one that has it's roots in the idea that what everyone must have is a long-term committed couple-relationship. But even then it's not up to an XP to control what happens.

Smum, I find it so sad when children end up in the role of care giver

it is soooo wrong, but common I should think in these kinds of situations

AF, This is the issue - dc's do witness their parents relationships, often there is a honeymoon period which can last for a couple of years BUT if things go wrong the dcs have to cope with the fall out (again). 2nd & 3rd marriages have higher failure rates than 1st time marriages so the odds say DSS will go through the change again!!

In DSS's case the first stepfather didn't move in immediately but he was around most of the time which meant DSS had to accept new house rules, new step relatives and new traditions (christmas at the new partner's families home). The dynamic of a family changes when you have a new partner - often the parent who is in the 'in love' stage doesn't acknowledge the changes that the dc's go through. The changes can be small but significant - DSS now has to get up earlier when new partner stays over as the new man has to shower...It's just an change that he has adjusted too..however he has never been asked or consulted. He also has to share a room with new man's children..no consultation about that either, despite the complete awkwardness that most teens feel..DSS's mum is in denial and DSS's comments fall on deaf ears. She tells her family that DSS loves his new 'friends' and how wonderful it is for him to be part of a larger family.

Having witnessed what DSS has been through I would advocate that parents think very, very hard before introducing new partners.

Wow, snorbs, aside from the drinking you've basically described my ex. He's an addictive/escapist/fantasist, and I've very quickly clicked that if I expect nothing from him, I (and the children) can't be disappointed. If I try to rely on him for anything he let's me down, promises are always slowly backed out of, history is re-written to make it sound like I've forgotten what was actually agreed on.

I have the same concerns as maby, my ex is itching to introduce his fiancé to the girls, as basically it would mean he could see her more often by combining his time with her with his time with the kids. I'm not happy with this as I know it would actually mean him ignoring the kids and focusing on her, and as he's been pretty much absent for the last couple of years as he pursued his quest for the love of his life and eternal ecstatic happiness, I just think the girls need (and deserve) to be his focus when they are with him, and not to be sidelined by whoever he's madly in love with at the time. We have been separated for nearly 6 months, the girls are 5 & 8, and he's yet to move out of his mums spare room as despite a £45k salary he hasn't been able to "save" enough for the deposit & first months rent on a place of his own. But, even though he's camping in his mums spare room, and hasn't had the kids overnight since he went there, he's itching to introduce our (still unsettled and insecure) children to a woman he thinks he's in love with after 5 months of an online/long-distance relationship.

Thanks to all for the more positive messages. I will fully admit to being probably over protective of the children, but am so aware of what they have been exposed to in the recent past I just want their childhood from now on to be as drama free as possible.

Greenmonkies - I hear exactly where you are coming from. My ex was diagnosed in the Priory as an addictive personality. Whether its booze, sex, crafting or a person, she becomes obsessed very quickly and has tunnel vision over it, ignoring other things/her responsibilities. Its so selfish, and she hates being called that.

Unfortunatley I enabled/covered it up for so long (co-dependency) that I don't think she can be honest to anyone anymore, not least herself. Getting her to admit the truth of a situation is nigh on impossible, and my default position is to assume the opposite of what she tells me - which so far is working out with 100% accuracy.....

I just have to try to keep detached, but it is so frustrating.