Any other 'Women Who Love Too Much' here

[Bluebelle38]

Hi there

I recently bought myself the Women Who Love Too Much book by Robin Norwood and have found it an incredibly insightful read.

I bought it because I am sick of my relationships following the same doomed pattern.

my background is absent/unloving father and co-dependant mother. I remember snippets of my childhood but only a handful of happy times.

I am in my late-30s and never had a truly fulfilling relationship. All my exes have been alcoholics, commitmentphobes and one physically assaulted me and was also a stoner.

I am a bright woman, well-travelled, an amazing bunch of close friends and yet I am a disaster in relationships. I have never been attracted to 'nice' men. I always dive in head-first and either make a fool of myself (too clingy) or end up in one-sided relationships where I do everything for my partner's love. Nothing is never too much to ask and I am always taken for a total fool and left heartbroken questioning why has it happened again.

I am halfway through the book. I find I can only read it in small chunks as it is so overwhelming how many boxes I tick.

I have always said I never want children. Not because I don't love them (I am atually really, really good with them) but it is like my mind shut off to the idea in my 20s and I have never entertained the thought of them since (and considering the partners I have had, that is a good thing).

I am on here because I want to hear from strong women that don't behave the way I do, and also those that maybe did and can offer some advice.

I read threads on here and people say 'oh my God, he is so clingy, run for the hills' and am so ashamed as I am that person they are talking about.

Anyone have any advice? I really don't know what else to say other than I am hurting for the lost years but more worried I will never have the kind of relationships my friends seem to have.

I am the person my friends come to for top-notch advice and yet I feel such a total hypocrite because is all fairness I am probably the most messed up one of all.

Sorry this is long and thank you for reading.

those are brilliant posts, patience

Thankyou af,I am a total product of this relationships board,I have gone on an epic journey lmao ,I had a run in with someone quite high up in local authority recently.they accused me of being angry during the discussion.I said no I'm not angry I'm a woman that left an abusive relationship of 16yrs rebuilt her life ,this is assertive.I asked at the end of the first meeting who I should complain to because I felt the decision was appauling.Asked for a meeting the next day and no change.The next day I received a full written apology.I believed in myself because nowadays I have a strong foundation.ok that story is nothing to do with my romantic relationships but just a story to share about my improved self belief,enjoy ur journey bb it will bring you strength and freedom ,no doubt about it xxx

Fantastic posts Patience and what a great validation of who you are now x

Patience - I was in a situation a few years ago where I was offered a job and moved to the location to then be told it was actually only part-time job by a regional manager. I was disgusted, I'd have never moved to a new city for a p/t job. I was so angry and decided to take action. I emailed the CEO of the whole firm (based in another country) outlining my appalling treatment. It's a massive organisation, I got the CEO' email address off the company's website.

That day I got a call from the head of HR who told me the matter was being investigated as a matter of urgency. A few days later I got a phone call saying they were terribly sorry at my treatment - they used the word 'appalled' - and I was reinstated and was told they were very impressed with the way I had stood up for myself. I took the job, endured a very sucking up regional MD to boot.

I too have it in me :) Now to put it to my relationships :) haha

In my efforts to sort myself out I picked up book on emotional intelligence aimed for work - it's not fantastic but am at the stage where I want to read and find out as much as I can.
Good point made about recognising emotions, drivers and triggers in way you behave. It sounds like taking on an organisation is easier because it is logical, has structures and sets out policies on right and wrong, so emotions are the least important in these cases: anger, driven by sense of injustice and triggered by decision that you know is rationally wrong. It's just in relationships the emotions are always the most powerful things. But both examples show that you are strong as a person and know difference between right and wrong and know how to rationally address that. So that's a good starting point for dealing with people you are close to as well.

Very true notsorted. That actually makes a lot of sense. I never really thought of it that way, and explains why I can be so good at defending myself in professional circumstances, but not in relationships. A lot of food for thought there!!!

Thankyou, not sorted ,I agree read allsorts and just absorb it all.oh and Google oxytocin bonding,just tells u how in relationships we produce oxytocin after sex so hormonally we are hooked in.so if u have lots of sex with a bad choice of man early on ur buzzing with this hormone and helps it all look great.I know I always had adrenaline and that was mentioned in the love too much book.You will be left with a void a big BOREDOMbut slowly u fill this gap .

Hi Bluebelle
Had to post on here as I could so easily have written your post a while ago.... Listen to Patience (hi patience is clouded view with name change here) as she is a lady of very wise words. Anyway yes like you I would describe my female friendships as completely functional / normal/ healthy and clear cut but it's the intimate relationships with men where I lose my power.. where I feel 'less than' and will do anything to stop them abandoning me (regardless of whether they were actually good enough for me or if I even want to be with them in the first place - it's the rejection I can't handle). It's an awful and debilitating place to be.

My marriage broke down 2 years ago and my way of being/feeling did contribute to this (ok he had his own issues but If I'm looking at mine then this is it). Anyway it forced me to take a long look at myself and yes it all boils down to codependency. I went to a CODA (google it if you are interested) meeting soon after he left and have never looked back.Its a 12 step programme thing with regular weekly meetings and I have found that there are so many people feeling the same way and going through life feeling 'fraudulent' as they seem so sorted from the outside.

I won't go on about it for ever on here (although I could do as it has been amazing) but It has given me an awareness that I am not sure I could have got from reading a book as I have heard so many peoples' real live experiences and how they have dealt with them. Suffice to say that It all boils down to low self esteem, not feeling worthy enough, giving away your power etc and all of the general insecure behaviour that goes hand in hand with these feelings of not being good enough. No idea where you live but just have a look. You say you can't afford therapy - these meetings ask a voluntary contribution so basically a pound a week (I also do therapy but tbh is getting too expensive and I find CODA more valuable)... and its soooo worthwhile.Good luck

Thanks.Id love to do CODA ,I did alanon for a few meetings and love the whole idea of a programme of self discovery,I agree about it not all being out a book ,but at the same time I learned loads from the books I mentioned .but that was over a space of 2yrs,I think ur attitude changes u choose to become empowered and you choose to allow yourself to love yourself because ur worthy of that love.it is so true the phrase How can u expect anyone to love and respect you if you don't love and respect urself.I also found one thing often led me onto another.You learn to let go of any shame you feel by forgiving yourself and letting it go,its learnt behaviour,passed on thru many many generations,we are choosing to break the cycle ,how great a gift is that xxx

Hi Honinmyo - I will definitely check out CODA. It sounds amazing and I can use it inconjunction with the books.

I admit I do feel like a fraud at times, so sorted on the outside, a true agony aunt, and yet inside it is a totally different story.

For me it is a case of realising I am perfectly fine on my own and I certainly don't need validation of a partner. One guy, a total commitmentphobe and boozer, I went back to three times over a distance of many years. He was charming yet he hurt me deeply three times. The fact I gave him three chances says a lot to me.

I am getting empowered the more I read and can say for the first time in many years that if he was to get in touch I would ignore him because I know I deserve more. And I know it would inevitably lead the same way and I can't, and more important don't, want to do it to myself again.

I truly feel really happy at the moment because I see how I can make things different and it's like my life is beginning again - and as you say Patience, it is an amazing gift to have that empowerment and control.

I hope anyone else that reads all this may get something out of all the fantastic advice I have got on here. We can change things :)

Thank you all so very much.