Support and advice re introducing my children to his OW please - all perspectives welcome

[100emotionsin1day]

A bit of background, and apologies in advance for how long this one's going to be. 'D'H embarked on an affair almost a year ago with a woman he met abroad on a business trip. It didn't take long for me to suspect something was seriously amiss, nor much digging to find out exactly what was going on - which I did, just a few days before Christmas. He left a few weeks later to set up home with the OW, who in the meantime had arranged herself a job transfer and moved to this country to be with him. So, all done with the most incredible haste and drama, and quite frankly some days I feel like I'm still in shock.

Thanks in equal measure to the support of my family, friends, and hour after hour of lurking (and occasionally posting) on Relationships, I feel like I've come a long way from that devastating time, but the past few weeks have been incredibly difficult for me as H and I have begun to discuss the prospect of him introducing our DC to the OW. They are 5 and 7 and we told them very little when we separated - just that he and I were no longer together, but that we were still a family and they would still see daddy all the time.

Right from the outset, I've tried to put their interests at the heart of every decision I make. H and I are as friendly as can be expected in the circumstances (in fact probably too friendly in many ways - good for the kids, not so good for me as it has taken a long time to get out of the denial stage, but lesson learnt...). He is looking after us financially, I'm allowing and encouraging him to see our DC as often as he can, and in fact he has been much more of a hands-on dad than he ever was, now that he realises if he wants a relationship with them he has to work at it rather than leaving all the childcare up to me.

In this spirit, he has respected the fact that involving the children in his new domestic set-up should wait until the dust has settled a bit and we've all had time to adjust to the situation. Until now, he's either spent time with them here in the family home, or taken them out for the day at weekends. Personally, I would like to leave things even longer, because I fear that having only known the OW for a year and been living with her for 6 months or so, the long-term viability of their relationship hasn't really been tested yet. Especially when the reality of looking after two young kids on a regular basis hasn't even entered the mix... However, I know that I need to accept this could well be 'forever', in which case I need to let go and move on, and give the children a chance to be a proper part of their dad's life.

So what am I asking? Well, is it too soon for them to meet the OW? And on a more practical level, given that she lives with my H and the children are eager to see his new place, how can this introduction be done gradually? How do we explain who she is and why she lives with daddy when they can't? I'm very wary of drip-feeding by saying she's just his 'friend' then leaving them to come to conclusions themselves, because I feel I've already had to be dishonest with them about the reason for our break-up, and I don't want to lie to them any more. It's extremely important to me, now more than ever, that they feel they can trust me and be open with me. I'd hate for them to work out the whole sorry story when they're older and possibly then decide they don't want to have anything to do with the OW (or indeed their dad), and resent me for allowing them to get into that situation because I didn't tell them the truth. However, I'm aware that being too honest will lead them to working out that OW was on the scene before H left, which may not benefit their relationship with him in the long run. And although it tears my heart in two, I know that for them to successfully get through this and have as normal and happy a childhood as possible, it will be better for them to have a good relationship with her as well.

Please, any tips, advice, kind words would be most appreciated - whether you've been in my situation yourself, or are/have been a stepchild or stepparent. I'm really worried about getting this wrong and allowing my emotions to get in the way at the expense of what's best for my kids...

Quick message as my connection keeps dropping out and I keep retyping!

Agree - lots of good advice on here. I wouldn't ask your H how he thinks his new relationship is going at all or whether he thinks it will last. He will most likely say yes (as he has given up a lot for her, so hardly likely to say anything otherwise) and worst case, he will dredge up the whole soulmates stuff (or worse) which may be hard to hear at this stage. Honestly, I would never have thought I would be writing this, but just leave 'them' to them. As mentioned, life will not be all wonderful as he makes out (he wont come round saying that he is miserable to you I would imagine). The time and effort focusing on them can be draining. I dont think so much about my ex's new partner now in the context of them as she is welcome to him if he is such a prize. They could be married now - as planned - for all I know. My ex drops all sorts in our conversation about his new partner (she seems to spend most of her time on the train to London, working in London, on the train home and the gym - yawn). A few weeks ago, I would have bitten and dug around for some more info so I could analyse things, but now, I just find it exhausting enough just having to deal with him let alone them together....also, please be aware that even though he is your H, father of your children and has given you no cause for concern, just be cautious what you ask/say as you wont know if he is going back and discussing your conversations with her. I used to forget and send all sorts and say all sorts of deep emotional stuff with my ex until someone pointed out (on this here wonderful MN) that I should perhaps stop for my own sanity and also, my ex was my ex. He now has a new partner who he will be confiding in and I dont want him confiding in her about anything I have come out with......sorry, waffling! My case is extreme, but hopefully you get what I mean....

Regarding point about being affectionate, I should have made clear that on the first few meetings, the advice I read was not to be overly affectionate on first meeting the children, esp if they have never met you before, age of child etc. I expect that all circumstances are different, but luckily my ex agreed with me on this (before new gf turned up). DS would have been used to seeing us kiss and cuddle, holding hands and then it stopped and then Daddy is doing those things with someone else (and DS is at the age where he is into kissing everything). Now time has moved on, I fully expect them to be having a kiss and cuddle, walking arm in arm, holding hands with DS around etc.....

In terms of the meeting between your DC and the OW, do bear in mind that ultimately it is down to your H to manage this. You could make all sorts of plans, agree on the ideal location and then, maybe the playcentre will be closed, or your DC wanted to go to to a special place further afield. It is good to have an input as you have a good parenting relationship with your H, but he may not be able to stick to them for whatever (genuine) reason.....

Honestly, 100 you are doing really well. And honestly, honestly, honestly, it does get easier (and I was very wary that it ever would at one point).

Take care,
Dx

Evening everyone! I've spent the past couple of days digesting your comments and advice (sorry, that's why this message is about 5 miles long!), and am immensely grateful to you all for posting. I'd been feeling really stressed about the whole situation, and was dreading discussing it with H. After several weeks of 'normality' over the summer when I felt I was recovering well from what happened, I had started feeling sick to the pit of my stomach again and really distracted. But that mood has finally lifted and I feel so much calmer today. I've got a clearer idea of what we need to discuss and aim for and, more importantly, how I want to behave (after all, that's the only thing I can actually control, right?).

My approach will be to make suggestions that H can take or leave, but I will have a bottom line of things that I insist on (need to work on this and be honest with myself about what is genuinely in the DC's interests as opposed to me wanting to lay down the law and/or make life difficult for H and OW). I know I have to fight the temptation to control everything, and just allow H to get on with it; letting go is going to be one of the hardest things, because it's always been me making all the decisions about the kids, and now more than ever.

Fortunately, and this may sound strange given what a gem he turned out to be , I do trust him to try and go about things the right way. There will be plenty of things that he's never had to think about before or would even occur to him though (just generally re looking after the DC as well as with regard to introducing OW), so I want to make sure we at least discuss as much of this as possible, whether he agrees and takes it on board or not. Of course OW and how she will react and adapt to the situation is as yet a complete unknown...

Smum Life will bring up challenges for them and it's about how they resolve those complex emotions rather than avoiding the emotions all together - absolutely! I almost feel like this is an opportunity in some ways, to teach the kids resilience and how to acknowledge and deal with negative emotions.

it is absolutely not easy so don't think your ex is going to have a pleasant time - I generally try to avoid comforting myself by thinking negative things about him, but it does help knowing this (it shouldn't, but it really does ). If only because it gets me out of the victim mindset. Life is not all cloudy for me, and it's not all rosy for him. In fact I'd go as far as to say he's probably not a great deal happier than before. OK, one aspect of his life is 'better' in that he's got what he wanted by being with OW, but at what cost?

nje3006 I admit I felt quite defensive after reading your post! Probably because the truth hurts . I appreciate you giving me your point of view and it's certainly given me lots to think about and made me question my motives more honestly:

I did meet BM at that first meeting. I did it in ignorance, I wouldn't do it again. I don't think she has any 'right' to vet me any more than my partner has a right to meet any new partner she has.
I did admit further up the thread that my initial motivation for wanting to meet OW wasn't a good one, but I have moved on from that. I don't have a right to vet her, no. I know I have to trust H's judgement and there's nothing I can do to prevent her meeting the DC anyway. But if this woman is going to be a big part of my children's lives, it would just seem bizarre not to have met her (if not now, when?), and at least attempt some sort of civil acquaintance. She may be agreeing to it simply because H has asked her to, but I'm hoping if she's the understanding person he claims she is, that she'll have similar intentions.

how will the children feel about their father being in bed with another woman. I'm not sure whether this is projection on your part
Actually, I hadn't even considered it, but yes it probably is. I'm looking at it as an adult and the fact that it indicates a sexual relationship, but of course to them it's just where you sleep. So I'm feeling less queasy about it and guess I just want them to be prepared for the fact that daddy and OW share a bed, and to know that I know, so that if they do feel weird about it they can feel free to talk about it with me.

DP has always shown me affection in their presence. To do otherwise is not to be honest about how the relationship is

I'm fine with affection. H and I showed plenty of it before all this happened, and I want my DC growing up to know what a loving relationship looks like. But I think this needs to be gradual - at the moment they don't even know this woman exists, let alone that she's living with their daddy and has taken mummy's place.

thinking that as she has no kids of her own 'christ knows what she expects' is pretty insulting. Being childless doesn't necessarily make her clueless although I get that having an affair with your husband makes you question her judgement.
I didn't intend to be insulting, I genuinely just meant that I have no idea what her experience or expectations are when it comes to looking after two small kids. Doesn't necessarily make her clueless, but I know I was before I had mine, that's not really a judgement, more a fact. Put it this way, I doubt she realises what she's let herself in for.

I think I would have been very insulted if DP had asked me not to be present in my own home when his children visited. Whatever your thoughts about her, it's her home too now and if you try to insist on this condition, it's a very easy one to refuse and where do you go from there...?
Understood. Again the problem is that because the DC don't know about her yet, at the moment they are expecting to go and stay with daddy in his home. But once they've met her somewhere neutral a couple of times and got used to the idea, I'm sure it won't be an issue.

If and when they find out about the start of their relationship... If the children raise it with you, you can say that having an affair is wrong but focus on the behaviour rather than the people.
This one comment has taken such a weight off my mind; I couldn't see how to answer their questions honestly without having to say something nasty. But it seems obvious now you've mentioned it, and in fact is how I've been keeping myself sane these past few months - H is not a bad person, he just did an awful thing, blah, blah, blah... Plus, if they see that I can still be friends with him despite what he's done, then hopefully they'll feel that way too.

Dee you're sounding so sorted, it's very encouraging! I have decided against discussing the new relationship - you're right, he's not going to say 'oh, actually 100, I think it's all likely to fizzle out in a few months, so no, let's not involve the kids...'. Was pmsl about your OW's exciting life of train-work-train-gym... Reminded me of something a very dear friend said to me back in the early days - I had been telling her that OW works in the same industry as H and he liked that they had that in common. Her comment was 'Well I'm an accountant and I've dated accountants, but that doesn't mean I want to go home and talk about bl**dy spreadsheets all night!'

Patience bless you - I will be back here on that first handover day and that's exactly what I'm going to say, how bloody strong and fabulous am I!

i think if you can stomach it you should meet her first, you need to know the woman who will be with your children, and then go with your children the first time they meet her. If they see you being ok with her (even if it has to be a wee bit faked) it will make it easier for them, as they will feel less guilty a bout 'betraying' you by seeing her.
I know when my dad left, a didnt have a good relationship with him for years as i felt i was betraying my mum. I really regret now as i missed so much time with him.

I think you are dong really well and for that matter for ex too being grown up not using children as weapons etc congratulations on that

if you meet OW do so on neutral ground not where you have to talk like a meal or coffee shop but more a swing park

practically whther you meet her or not I would suggest th\at they meet her out first then at EX home but as she has moved from abroa she does not have an own place family to go to she really cant be expected to disappear to a hotel , when they stay over she will be there but by then hopefully they will be fine with it

legally of course your ex can introduce them to OW and as he has parental responsibility he can take them to his house and introduce them to whom he likes as of course you can when they are with you. I would suggest you carry on do not put obstacles in way or make rules like she can't read them stories as some one reported up the page

Carry on being mature and your DC's will be fine do not lie about anything and don't over analyse I do this sometimes it is seriously counter productive

good luck!!!

first of all well done, it sounds like you've come so far and you sound like a great mum :) My advice would be to introduce her gradually, when my mum & dad divorced, he met my SM a few months later, but he didn't introduce her to us until later in the year. I remember him talking about her first to us all a few times before we eventually met up and yes she met with my mum first before she met us. Good luck and I hope all goes well for you and the DC's x

Hi 100, like others have said you sound like a fantastic mother!

I don't think it's necessary for you to meet your ex's new partner. What will be gained by seeing her? You can't actually prevent her from seeing your DC as she lives with your ex. As long as he is going to be there all the time when your DC visit I'm sure they will be fine and soon adapt.

I'm on the other side of this situation and am not 'allowed' to see my DH's DC by his ex-w (I wasn't the OW). My DH has met up with them on his own away from our home for the past few years.

Because you sound so sensible I believe that your situation is going to be handled in a mature way and the DC's needs will be put first by everyone. I wish you'd have a word with my DH's ex!

Thanks everyone for your kind and encouraging words. It means a great deal to me that people take time to post, because I'm finding it harder and harder as time goes on to continue confiding in my friends and family. They have been incredible, but I don't want them to see how much I'm still suffering. And I find their pain hard to bear too; my close family and friends have treated my H like a son and a brother for many years, we've been together all our adult lives. Also, I'm usually a very private person, and having had to discuss so much intensely personal stuff - although necessary and cathartic - has left me feeling raw and exposed.

Today, H has outlined the steps he's going to take over the next few weeks to introduce the OW to our DC. He has obviously thought this through very carefully, with their welfare in mind, I can't fault him for that. And because I've had nothing else on my mind for ages, I thought I was ready to discuss this calmly and objectively. But in fact I've completely lost my nerve. I know what I should do, what I need to do so that the kids can get through this as painlessly as possible, but my confidence has been badly shaken by how devastated I feel right at this moment, it almost scares me how strong my emotions can still be. It is tearing me apart that the future we had mapped out as a couple and a family has been defaced, so abruptly and heartlessly. I want to just get up and walk away like he did, but I can't; instead I have to keep giving - I have to share the joy of my beautiful, precious babies with the very people who don't deserve it. Torture.

I know I'll get through this, and be stronger for it, but tonight I'm having to let myself wallow and hope that a good cry and a decent night's sleep will set me up for another day .

I promised I'd keep you posted and so I'm back this morning having just waved my kids off for a fun day out with daddy and his girlfriend... And I'm OK. Feeling a bit weepy and sorry for myself, but the sky hasn't fallen in and I've got a busy day planned, so I know I'll get through this, and next time hopefully it will be much easier.

Posting on here and reading all your comments really helped me to get my head together and I believe we've made as good a job of the introduction as possible. H took the girls out last weekend and told them about OW - kept it very simple, told them he was really looking forward to having them over to stay at his house, but there was someone he'd like them to meet first. He explained she was his girlfriend and lived with him, showed them a photo, let them ask some questions. And that was that. My 7-year-old has been talking about it all week (she was excited, nervous, felt a bit weird about it, bit sad about it), particularly when H was here to see them and oddly I think he found it much more excruciating awkward than I did! My little one doesn't talk about it, but is always there for a hug and to listen when I chat about it with her sister, so I think she's either pretty unconcerned or is dealing with it in her own quiet way.

And surprisingly, what helped me immensely was meeting OW myself a couple of days ago, it literally changed my whole view of the situation (in some good ways, some bad ways). I was very close to not being able to go through with it, had no idea what I was going to say, still, even after dreading it for so long. But we sat and had a coffee together, just the two of us, admitted we were both bricking it, talked about the kids, and - dare I say it - she was nice. Ordinary, down-to-earth, not some hard-faced femme fatale who'd enticed away my husband, just a normal, nice person. Which hurt like hell, because I could see why he likes her, and was totally confusing because I couldn't understand why she would do something so awful (but then I felt that about my H as well). So it really shook me up, because it's finally made me accept that they probably do have something long-lasting. But it was also extremely reassuring, I truly believe she's going to be a loving and kind person for my kids to be around. Which is great, but also bloody sucks!!!

My brain is fizzing with all the contradictory feelings right now... More to tell, will be back later once the DC are back and tucked up in bed.

Big hugs 100 ur a strong amazing woman xxx

Hi 100 emotions, you deserve a huge pat on the back for how well you have handled this. Having been there myself i know it isnt easy. I have had to send my children off to my ex and his wife for the past 3 years and at first it was really hard to do. But it does get better and you should use the time you get to yourself to recharge, spend some time with firends and one day even go dating!

Dont over think the OW, she will either stick around, or it wont work out. Either way having met her you know she will be nice to your children and that is the most important thing of all

patience I almost forgot to say it!!! How bloody strong and fabulous am I!

elastamum thanks, that's a really nice post - I do believe things will get better and easier, and it's good to hear it from someone who's been through it.

It's extraordinary, I feel almost elated tonight. I've spent so much time and energy worrying about and dreading this event, wishing so hard that it would never have to happen... So now it's behind me, it's a huge weight off my shoulders, I feel I've done the best I could and can let go now.

Not really much more to add to my earlier post. H came to get the DC this morning, took them over to his place to show them around and pick up OW then head out for the day. I know for a fact that if I hadn't met her already I wouldn't have been able to take my mind off it the whole time they were away, but because I had, it was fine, it didn't actually feel much different from a normal day spent with their dad. And when they came back all excited and telling me 'OW did this' and 'OW said that', it was bearable. Instead of flinching at the sound of her name like I did before (honestly, it was as if she was bloody Voldemort ), it was fine, and I could talk about their day with them and be glad they enjoyed it. I was very proud of my kids too, they seem to be taking it all in their stride.

So, I know there's still a long way to go, and I'm hoping it's not just adrenaline (or insanity) that's making me so calm, but tonight at least I'm breathing a sigh of relief and feeling pretty pleased with myself. Might even be a name change on the cards - 50emotions perhaps?

I think the fact that your ex has enough respect for you that he has admitted to an affair, and has enough respect for the children and you to take introductions to this woman at your pace says a great deal.

If he keeps treating you with respect, and you keep going as you are and doing the great job you are, everything will be ok for you all.

I wish you well when things settle and you can have fun weekends.

You should also thank your friends and family, you may not feel like it, you really are lucky to have had supportive people around you and an ex who respects you and the children.

Thanks tranquility - you're right, I don't always feel lucky; but I do appreciate that I really am. And having had another day of thinking and talking behind me, I'm feeling generous enough to give H credit for how he's handling the situation. He's done a terrible, idiotic thing, but I don't believe he's a bad person, and I still feel a lot of affection for him. TBH I think he was so horrified with himself and how he had been behaving in the weeks before I discovered the affair (like a total c* * * basically, and completely out of character...), that it was a huge relief for him when it all came out in the open and he could finally start making amends instead of sneaking around trying to justify his actions to himself.

I guess only time will tell whether we can maintain this level of goodwill, but I think having come this far, and having seen how well our DC are coping with everything, it would take a serious change of heart from either side to fuck things up. I'm also fairly confident that OW is doing her best to be considerate too, which in turn makes me more willing to be flexible. Extremely early days, but for now I feel more at peace than I have for over a year - my biggest anxiety has been removed from the equation, so I can stop worrying as much about the kids and start concentrating on my own recovery.

Well done 100 - and yes, you are totally awesome having gone through all of this with such dignity and grace. Keep going!

I second elastamums comments about using time to focus on yourself and recharge. As painful as it is/was to hand over DS to his Dad, I now look to fill my time with seeing friends, doing household chores, shopping etc, and all the bits and bobs that I cant normally do with DS around (as in, ex would have been playing with him or keeping him entertained whilst I cleaned out the oven or hoovered the house). And definiately dont forget to pamper yourself and give yourself quality 'me' time in whichever way you like. And the whole handing the kids over thing does get easier as time goes by - never thougt I would be saying that. When my ex comes to pick up DS, I dont know what he will be doing or how much interaction he will be having with ex's ng and it doesn't bother me so much at that level (though getting used to not spending the whole weekend with DS is another thing).

It is also really good that your H is being reasonable and fair in terms of sticking to your agreements and wanting to discuss things with view of what is best for yoru children.

I also echo the point about forget about OW and their relationship - not worth the headspace, though easier said than done.

You are doing so well!

I said you were a wonderful woman before, and I will say it again. Your exH has also stepped up to the plate as best he could.

100 (or 50 ?) - You (and your ex h) are a brilliant example of how it should be done. I honestly do appreciate how hurt people are by affairs and marriage breakdowns and how bitterness is to be expected but the fact you have been able to put your own feelings to one side and concentrate on doing what is best for your dc's is truly fantastic.

Now - go and get yourself some nice treats booked for next time they have the dc's for the day