Got a bit physical but only because he cares (!?)

[FlightofHeron]

Dp is ALWAYS going on about my weight saying I dont eat enough and am too thin. I know this isnt true so ignore him. Last night we were in bed messing around, he was on top of me and all of a sudden turned all serious and asked what I'd eating during the day. I laughed and reeled off my full days menu (including meals, biscuits, cakes etc!) and he said "don't lie. You're getting even thinner, you can see all your bones in your chest, it's gross".

I pointed out to him that it's normal to be able to see chest bones and he was being silly. He argued with me saying I was obviously too thin and he wasn't going to put up with it I tried to push him off me as he was starting to piss me off and he pinned me down and shouted at me that he wasn't going to stand by and watch me starve and if he had to he'd "ram food down my fucking throat." He then got off me but he hurt me arms and shoulders in the process. I'm so angry at him because he's talking absolute shit and it's really starting to get tiresome.

How the hell do I make him realise that I'm an adult and don't need him parenting me??

[Bogeyface]

I think that SGB has hit the nail on the head. As she said, an abusive man is abusive across the board but if this is truly a one off then perhaps this is indicative of a man who has reached the end of his tether about something that is genuinely worrying him.

Only the OP can answer that.

[scottishmummy]

2 separate issues

1. your wt - why the concern
   

2.his extreme violent reaction to it

bmi 20 is low. subjectively people tell you you look underweight, have a think why di people comment.only youreally know is something going on re:food.why did he get so het up what did he wont let you starve mean?

nonetheless,pinning you down and aggression is inappropriate. regardless of how het up he feels it is shocking thing to do

so what now op?

[solidgoldbrass]

It's not excusing aggressive behaviour to say that sometimes, for people who are not that well-educated or experienced in dealing with MH issues in the area of addiction or eating disorders, concern and frustration and despair lead to a loss of temper.Because, if you are not very well-informed, you end up thinking -'Why won't you just EAT?' Why won't you just STOP drinking/gambling/taking drugs?'
Aggression never helps, though. People will either deal with their addictions/disorders, or they won't.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

There's no mention of the OP being pinned to the floor and threatened with force feeding HH.

The OP and her DP were 'in bed messing around' (whatever that may mean) and he was lying on top of her. The OP says that her DP then 'turned all serious'.

I'm not attempting to excuse his behaviour but it could be that such close proximity served to make him more aware of the OP's diminishing weight, and that what he said was caused by genuine concern for her health.

As for 'pinning' her down, I am 5'6" and weigh 8.10 stone. If a heavier paramour puts their full weight on top of me, I can't move without a struggle and this seems to have been the experience of the OP.

As for jeans, I mainly wear Wranglers and Levis and I haven't noticed that their sizes changed.

If someone I cared about looked like skin and bone and was refusing to eat with other people while claiming to stuff themselves full with meals/biscuits/cakes etc, I would be concerned about their physical and mental health and, more particularly, if their dm and family were voicing similar concerns.

I hope the OP will take on board the concerns of those who love her, and will take one of them with her to an appointment with her GP so that they can be reassured that she is not suffering from an eating disorder or some other condition that is causing her to lose weight.

[GothAnneGeddes]

Physical force is never acceptable, but there's alarm bells ringing for me here too.

Not eating in front of others, rapid weight loss, concern from others which you can't understand...it sounds an awful lot like anorexia.

Who put 'fat' in block capitals upthread can piss off, you're part of the problem.

[GloriaVanderbilt]

er Izzy.

' I tried to push him off me as he was starting to piss me off and he pinned me down and shouted at me that he wasn't going to stand by and watch me starve and if he had to he'd "ram food down my fucking throat." He then got off me but he hurt me arms and shoulders in the process.'

Have you actually read the OP? You're talking nonsense.

[QueenOfAllBiscuitsandMuffins]

I put FAT in capitals, I really am not part of the problem the problem is it's acceptable to be overweight (is that an acceptable term?) now and that is a health problem in itself. People have lost sight of what a normal, health weight is (you could argue from both sides i.e. people are now either too skinny OR too fat)

Also 2 stone in 1 year is not "rapid" weight loss.

Her weight is not the issue the fact her b/f displayed abusive tendancies is.

[hester]

Queen, you are showing no understanding of what eating disorders are about. You cannot diagnose whether someone has an eating disorder from their weight alone. Eventually an anorexic will reach a very low weight, but they usually start from a normal or heavier weight and it is vitally important to nip a burgeoning problem in the bud before a very low weight is 'achieved' (by which time normal thinking and decision-making processes are significantly impaired).

Other eating disorders, like bulimia, are extremely risky and damaging and yet sufferers are usually of a normal weight.

And this really is not the place to start discussing the obesity epidemic, is it? Not really relevant to the OP's situation.

[hester]

I should add that you are right that her WEIGHT is not the issue. But her eating behaviour may well be.

[QueenOfAllBiscuitsandMuffins]

Actually I have a very good understanding of eating disorders, and my post was in reply to one above questioning me about my use of capitals.
OP might have an eating disorder but she may not and from the information she has given us I am not leaping to the conclusion she has. If she does and sees the posts on here she is not going to suddenly think oh yes if mumsnet posters think I have an eating disorder then I must have she is going to think sod them AND ALSO IGNORE THE INFORMATION ABOUT HER BOYFRIENDS BEHAVIOUR.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Could I just sort of sneak in a thought that occurred to me at this point: we're assuming that because the OP's nearest and dearest are voicing similar concerns to her DP that he probably does have a legitimate cause for concern. However there are some well-known and well-loved posters on this very board who have grown up believing there is something wrong with them because everyone else says so, only to realise in their maturity after professional help that in fact it really is everyone else around them who is off their collective rockers. Being brought up in a toxic family with skewed values has led them to accept a partner with similar attitudes, and sometimes the buggers even collude with her family in abusing her. So don't just assume that family always have your best interests at heart, nor that the more people who say a thing the truer it is. When you're trapped in a lunatic asylum you'd do better to believe your own perceptions than the majority's.

That said, I do see what some people are saying about the OP's apparent attitude to food/eating/weight and would agree with their recommendations for a thorough, honest session with a doctor. If nothing else it would give her ammunition against the well-meant (but clearly counter-productive) concerns of her family. For all we know the DP's worry may have turned frantic following a lot of buttonholing from the family... and they all could be wrong. Or right, but going about it all wrong.

Oh, and: the only acceptable level of violence in a relationship is none.

[honeyandsalt]

IMHO the family is displaying classic crabs-in-a-bucket tendencies - you know, you don't need to leave a lid on a bucket of crabs, because whenever one has nearly escaped, they'll pull it back in.

A size 10, BMI of 20 isn't "normal" anymore because the average size in the UK is overweight. Nonetheless so long as the OP eats a balanced diet it IS a healthy weight, just look at any BMI chart, and the OP has acheived it by giving up the junk food and booze. I'm anyone thinks there's anything wrong with this. She's not eating with the family any more because it's an unpleasant experience, why should she put herself through eating far too much to ratify their unhealthy eating habits?

The OP needs to get two messages across to her family and particularly her H:

1. Her weight is fine
   
2. The way they are treating her is unacceptable
   
   I think the GP idea is a good one (maybe H should have his BMI done at the same time?!) and after that some very serious words about how if he ever pulls a stunt like that again he's out the door. Unacceptable.
   
   As for the family, post-GP visit I think the OP should tell them how they're making her feel, that she's going to maintain a healthy weight and that's that.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

Of course I've read the OP Gloria, and I'm not talking any more nonsense than those who have jumped to one conclusion having considered one party's version of one incident.

In any event, whether the OP's DP is an abusive twat or whether she is suffering from an eating disorder, the remedy is in her hands.

"When you're trapped in a lunatic asylum you'd do better to believe your own perceptions than the majority's." The perfect truism for this site, "Annie".

[solidgoldbrass]

Fair point Annie - sometimes people who have grown up surrounded by bullies choose bullies for partners. But that's also why I asked the OP what other signs of bullying or abuse her DP might have shown.

[hester]

Well, whatever's going on, OP, I hope you have found some useful advice on this thread.

Best of luck to you x

[GloriaVanderbilt]

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Thu 08-Sep-11 03:03:26
'There's no mention of the OP being pinned to the floor and threatened with force feeding HH.'


Yes, you are talking nonsense, see above.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

See what above Gloria?

Last night we were in bed messing around, he was on top of me and all of a sudden turned all serious

I trust you will note that the OP has not stated that they left the bed whereupon she was subsequently pinned to the floor and threatened with force feeding.

But do please correct me if I'm wrong.

[AnyFucker]

izzy, why are you arguing semantics ?

he pinned her down on the floor, he pinned her down on the bed

he hurt her

does it really matter what the precise location was ?

[Bogeyface]

i think it does actually. If he had grabbed her and forced her onto the floor and then pinned her down it would have been totally different to what the OP described as them "messing about" in bed, he got on top of her and THEN it turned serious. He didnt get on top of her in an abusive way, it sounds like it was consensual and then the situation deteriorated afterwards.

[AnyFucker]

it doesn't matter whether they were "messing about" or in the middle of shagging

he crossed a line, frightened her and used his greater physical strength to enforce his will

the only acceptable amount of physical restraint, when unwelcomed/uninvited, is none

there are no shades of grey here

[Bogeyface]

ok, seeing as you consistently refuse to see the point that I and others are making, I shall bow out and leave you to it.

[AnyFucker]

I don't get your point, bogey

are you saying that because they were already "messing about" it somehow mitigates what he did ?

am genuinely confused

are you referring to me "consistently refusing to see the point" ?

because this is the first time I have posted on this thread today

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

I'm not arguing semantics; I'm arguing for balanced judgement based on actual facts rather than misinterpetation, misplaced empathy or hysteria AF.

I am not in any way attempting to excuse the DP's conduct, but IMO there is a material difference between being forced to the floor, pinned down, and threatened with force feeding and the manner in which the OP has described the incident.

What would seem indisputable is that at some point the OP was 'pinned down' but whether that came about because her DP was laying on top of her and his full weight rendered her unable to move, or whether he actively restrained her using his hands and superior strength to keep her immobile, is a matter for conjecture.

I hope that the OP will come back to qualify whether this is the first occasion that her DP has maltreated her, and also whether her statement that He then got off me but he hurt me arms and shoulders in the process indicates exactly what it says as, again IMO, until further info is available there is reasonable doubt as to whether her DP deliberately set out to cause her pain or whether any hurt caused was accidental as he 'got off' her.

It would seem that the OP's weight has been a longstanding issue for her DP, her dm, and her wider family and, therefore, I would also query why the OP has categorically stated that she does not intend to see her GP when a simple 5 minute appointment would reassure her LOs that they have no cause for concern about her health.

[AnyFucker]

izzy...stop joining in the conjecture then and condemn the physical force he used

physical force should be condemned

is there any question in anyone's mind about that ?

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

I abhor and condemn the use of physical force but I wouldn't hesitate to use it in self-defence or to defend others.