Got a bit physical but only because he cares (!?)

[FlightofHeron]

Dp is ALWAYS going on about my weight saying I dont eat enough and am too thin. I know this isnt true so ignore him. Last night we were in bed messing around, he was on top of me and all of a sudden turned all serious and asked what I'd eating during the day. I laughed and reeled off my full days menu (including meals, biscuits, cakes etc!) and he said "don't lie. You're getting even thinner, you can see all your bones in your chest, it's gross".

I pointed out to him that it's normal to be able to see chest bones and he was being silly. He argued with me saying I was obviously too thin and he wasn't going to put up with it I tried to push him off me as he was starting to piss me off and he pinned me down and shouted at me that he wasn't going to stand by and watch me starve and if he had to he'd "ram food down my fucking throat." He then got off me but he hurt me arms and shoulders in the process. I'm so angry at him because he's talking absolute shit and it's really starting to get tiresome.

How the hell do I make him realise that I'm an adult and don't need him parenting me??

[GloriaVanderbilt]

Oh well possibly my children, but 'behaving badly' isn't the what the OP is doing.
and children are not the same as grown adults with the maturity to make decisions, whether or not they are harmful ones.

wanting to slap or shake another adult isn't something I have ever experienced in any context tbh, maybe that's odd.

[GloriaVanderbilt]

No..

[solidgoldbrass]

Gloria, have you never been so frustrated with someone you like/love/care about who is behaving badly that you've thought about slapping or shaking them?

[GloriaVanderbilt]

It's a grey area in terms of whether it's understandable, to me - I mean I can see that it happens but the thought process that gets someone from 'Oh bloody hell I'm really scared she's killing herself' to 'Right let's knock her about a bit so she'll listen' is beyond my comprehension

[solidgoldbrass]

Gloria: that something is understandable doesn't mean that it's acceptable or right. However the OP has not been back to say what the rest of her relationship with the man is like, so it's impossible to say whether he is abusive and that's the problem, or whether she is anorexic and in denial and that's the problem, or whether it's a combination of the two.

[MadameOvary]

Fair point LeggyBlonde. It would be better to guage his response if OP were to ask for an apology on account of the fact that he was physically and verbally aggressive and hurt her.
Its by no means a clear indicator but:
"Shit, sorry, are you okay? I am just so worried about you"
would be more encouraging than:
"Well you fucking well drove me to it"
As it indicates someone not willing to take responsibility when they freely dish out aggression.

[AnyF]

Although it seems the OP is long gone so this is all academic now, anyway

[AnyF]

Gloria, I agree with you

[GloriaVanderbilt]

OMG. It just struck me that perhaps they just didn't care about me enough to attempt to verbally and physically intimidate me into eating.

Well you never know. It could be the case.

[GloriaVanderbilt]

I disagree SGB, I don't find it understandable at all. I would find his frustration understandable were there to actually be an issue (which none of us knows aside from the OP) but if any one of my family or friends had got aggressive with me in the midst of my eating disorder, which did threaten my life for quite a while, then I'd have cut them out of my life entirely...the thing is though it just would not have happened.

Maybe I just have a particularly bright family who understand that it's not the way to behave. Or maybe they're just not abusive arseholes.

I don't know.

[LeggyBlondeNE]

say something like "I appreciate you're concerned but my health and weight are fine" and note his response, which should be equally reasonable. A snort of derision, however will tell you all you need to know

Sadly, I got plenty of responses like that to similar statements I made in the past. Not because my friends were abusive and controlling, but because (even with a BMI of 20) they correctly believed I was kidding myself.

I agree with solidbrassgold above - if he's sorry for getting physically angry and it really is a one-off I'd take it as a rare outburst of frustration and ask for an apology for that threat. As others have said I've seen plenty of people on ED boards talking about family members getting similarly overbearing through worry.

This is not to say, OP, that you do have an ED (although sadly I agree with others that everything you say is the same as people with EDs do, which may just be a very unfortunate coincidence and very frustrating for you) but that the contrast for your partner in your change over the last 12 months may seem quite extreme, especially if you are now avoiding eating with certain people. Your avoidance may have perfectly rational grounds but it will only worry them more.

If he has a genuine concern, best solution is total transparency. It may be a PITA and it may annoy you to go and prove you're okay with a medic, but his concern (not his behaviour) is not entirely unreasonable based on what you've said here and if you still value the relationship once this bit of behaviour is resolved, I'd view it as doing him a favour.

[MadameOvary]

OP - your tone at your partners behaviour comes across as "irritated" when IMHO it should be "fucking outraged"

He voiced his concerns while on top of you, THEN pinned you down after you tried to get away and shouted in your face! He then released you when HE chose to, hurting you in the process. All this was after referring to your appearance as "gross" during what should have been an intimate and tender time.

Is he normally a controlling arse? Did he apologise at all? The real test is if you were to say something like "I appreciate you're concerned but my health and weight are fine" and note his response, which should be equally reasonable. A snort of derision, however will tell you all you need to know.

[wannabesybil]

I feel for the OP

Her family doesn't believer her about her weight, her partner uses her weight to abuse her and even on here she is not being believed.

OP - I believe you. I don't have any answers, I'm afraid, but I suggest you start keeping a diary of everything. It will help you see things more clearly, I hope. Good luck

[solidgoldbrass]

Gloria: If his actions were born of frustration and worry over her eating disorder and if he is utterly ashamed of himself for using physical force then maybe she should consider forgiving him. People whose partners suffer from eating disorders/alcoholism/other addictions sometimes do lose it to the point of getting physically aggressive, because living with someone whose behaviour is self-harmful and life-threatening is incredibly stressful. That doesn;t make it right, or helpful, or acceptable, but it is understandable.
However, if this is the situation then the OP's first priority needs to be sorting out her illness.

[GloriaVanderbilt]

and that makes it Ok does it? He can threaten her and use physical force but if it's out of frustration she should forgive that and keep him in her life?

Ok

if not then what is the point of looking at his motives? What if it was caused by frustration? What should she do then? Say Oh that's fine then.

My family were immensely frustrated by my serious eating disorder and at no point did any of them seek to pin me down or threaten to force feed me.

I just don't get it. He's either a violent thicko with good intentions or a violent thicko who just gets off on this sort of thing.

not much help to the OP is it

[AnyFucker]

what has that to do with this thread ?

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

I abhor and condemn the use of physical force but I wouldn't hesitate to use it in self-defence or to defend others.

[AnyFucker]

izzy...stop joining in the conjecture then and condemn the physical force he used

physical force should be condemned

is there any question in anyone's mind about that ?

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

I'm not arguing semantics; I'm arguing for balanced judgement based on actual facts rather than misinterpetation, misplaced empathy or hysteria AF.

I am not in any way attempting to excuse the DP's conduct, but IMO there is a material difference between being forced to the floor, pinned down, and threatened with force feeding and the manner in which the OP has described the incident.

What would seem indisputable is that at some point the OP was 'pinned down' but whether that came about because her DP was laying on top of her and his full weight rendered her unable to move, or whether he actively restrained her using his hands and superior strength to keep her immobile, is a matter for conjecture.

I hope that the OP will come back to qualify whether this is the first occasion that her DP has maltreated her, and also whether her statement that He then got off me but he hurt me arms and shoulders in the process indicates exactly what it says as, again IMO, until further info is available there is reasonable doubt as to whether her DP deliberately set out to cause her pain or whether any hurt caused was accidental as he 'got off' her.

It would seem that the OP's weight has been a longstanding issue for her DP, her dm, and her wider family and, therefore, I would also query why the OP has categorically stated that she does not intend to see her GP when a simple 5 minute appointment would reassure her LOs that they have no cause for concern about her health.

[AnyFucker]

I don't get your point, bogey

are you saying that because they were already "messing about" it somehow mitigates what he did ?

am genuinely confused

are you referring to me "consistently refusing to see the point" ?

because this is the first time I have posted on this thread today

[Bogeyface]

ok, seeing as you consistently refuse to see the point that I and others are making, I shall bow out and leave you to it.

[AnyFucker]

it doesn't matter whether they were "messing about" or in the middle of shagging

he crossed a line, frightened her and used his greater physical strength to enforce his will

the only acceptable amount of physical restraint, when unwelcomed/uninvited, is none

there are no shades of grey here