Got a bit physical but only because he cares (!?)

[FlightofHeron]

Dp is ALWAYS going on about my weight saying I dont eat enough and am too thin. I know this isnt true so ignore him. Last night we were in bed messing around, he was on top of me and all of a sudden turned all serious and asked what I'd eating during the day. I laughed and reeled off my full days menu (including meals, biscuits, cakes etc!) and he said "don't lie. You're getting even thinner, you can see all your bones in your chest, it's gross".

I pointed out to him that it's normal to be able to see chest bones and he was being silly. He argued with me saying I was obviously too thin and he wasn't going to put up with it I tried to push him off me as he was starting to piss me off and he pinned me down and shouted at me that he wasn't going to stand by and watch me starve and if he had to he'd "ram food down my fucking throat." He then got off me but he hurt me arms and shoulders in the process. I'm so angry at him because he's talking absolute shit and it's really starting to get tiresome.

How the hell do I make him realise that I'm an adult and don't need him parenting me??

[Proudnscary]

Hi OP are you new to Mumsnet?

[GloriaVanderbilt]

(not sure if you're asking because of her name...it's not flight as in FA because that's me)(sorry to sound arrogant, I doubt anyone thought that anyway!)

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

I have to take issue with anyone who's advising the OP to leave her dp.

Without knowing the full history, and given that her mother and wider family have expressed concerns about her weight, IMO it is not appropriate to advise the OP that she should get her dp out of her life merely because his obvious concern about her health and wellbeing may have marginally passed the bounds of what is considered acceptable behavour.

So, OP, how long have your dp, dm, and wider family been expressing concerns about your weight, how tall are you, and how much do you weigh?

And can we please have an honest accurate account rather than your possibly rosy view of the scales and your daily food intake/dress size.

[AnyFucker]

I think there are two problems here if this is a genuine post

1. you have an issue with eating
   
   
2. you have an abusive partner

[GloriaVanderbilt]

Izzy, she's already said what she weighs and how tall she is. Based on that she's not underweight.

[TheOriginalFAB]

Gloria - I knoew thw OP wasn't you but it did make me think of you. How are you??

[QueenOfAllBiscuitsandMuffins]

Izzy I suggest you READ THE FUCKING THREAD, christ it's only 56 posts.

[BibiBlocksberg]

Just caught up with this and am appalled at the behaviour you've experienced OP.

If someone has genuine concerns for you, fair enough but they should have been raised in kindness and with tact.

Shouting, hurting, violence of any kind have no place in this (or any issue/ relationship for that matter.

He's not 'going to put up with it any longer'??

Don't let this be swept under the carpet - it's totally unacceptable and agree with posters who say this is escalation and will get worse (also speaking from experience)

[GloriaVanderbilt]

Oh thanks Fab. I'm Ok thanks. You ok?

[TheOriginalFAB]

So so but that is fine .

[malinkey]

Flight - did he apologise for hurting you?

[kplondon]

Your partner's behaviour crossed the line, and you and he should speak to a relationship counsellor straight away.

As to whether you have an eating disorder or not, that is a separate issue but I don't think your height and weight are conclusive evidence one way or the other. There are very thin people without eating disorders, and fat people with eating disorders. Your height and weight suggest that you are not in imminent danger because of your eating habits at this point in time, so while you should consider speaking to someone about that too, I would sort out issue number 1 (relationship with dp) first.

[Bogeyface]

Well almost 2 stone is alot of weight to lose in a year and you do sound a bit "head in the sand" in that you insist that rather than you getting thinner, clothes sizes are getting bigger! Clearly there is an issue with your weight and eating and perhaps his fear is that as you have lost alot of weight quickly, you will continue to do so. And being a size 10 is normal, if it suits you. I slimmed down to a size 10 and I looked awful, I was skinny, boney, no bum no boobs, I looked dreadful. Perhaps you are the same. I look great as a size 12, slim but curvy as nature intended me to be, size 10 made me look ill, I had sunken eyes and cheeks.

It worries me that you refuse to go to the doctors when it will prove to your DP that you are fine and he will get off your back. Is that because deep down you suspect that you arent ok and the doctor will tell you what everyone else has, that you are too thin?

But....all that said, he reacted completely wrongly and I would be going mad at him for that. I would be pointing out that people who care dont hurt and frighten the person they say they care about and if he genuinely thinks that there is a problem then that isnt the best way to try and deal with it.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

Thank you kindly, Queen but, as it happens, I have READ THE FUCKING THREAD and I am not inclined to unreservedly believe the stats that the OP has given.

At 5st 10" and allegedly 10 stone, the OP's size 12 jeans are falling off her because manufacturers are making them smaller these day - er, no, they're not - and she's now allegedly a size 10.

All that seems to be happening here is the usual hesabastarddumphimfest with scant attention being paid to the fact that, in additon to her DP, the OP's mother and wider family have expressed concern about her weight and she no longer eats with them.

Before the OP does anything else, she is best advised to go to her GP with her dm to ascertain whether her weight is within normal parameters and/or whether she has an eating disorder.

[QueenOfAllBiscuitsandMuffins]

"At 5st 10" and allegedly 10 stone, the OP's size 12 jeans are falling off her because manufacturers are making them smaller these day - er, no, they're not - and she's now allegedly a size 10. "

Well firstly she says they are making them BIGGER not smaller, and I tend to agree with her.

"All that seems to be happening here is the usual hesabastarddumphimfest with scant attention being paid to the fact that, in additon to her DP, the OP's mother and wider family have expressed concern about her weight and she no longer eats with them."

The OPs family are FAT it gives them a skewed perception, they probably think she is skinny because compared to them and what they eat she is, that doesn't make her unhealthy or have an eating disorder.

"Before the OP does anything else, she is best advised to go to her GP with her dm to ascertain whether her weight is within normal parameters and/or whether she has an eating disorder."

What exactly do you think the GP is going to do? Her weight IS in normal parameters and doing it by giving up takeaways and alchol is quite feasible, especially if she has been 10 stone before, which she has.

[AnyFucker]

I think getting fixated on the height/weight thing is a bit of a red herring, tbh

I am 5ft 10 and weigh approx 10st 4lbs. I have weighed 10 stone. I don't have an eating disorder because my eating is not disordered.

From a few short sentences, it does appear that OP has disordered eating...far too much emphasis on the denial and all these people are wrong and I am right justifications

who knows really, though

all this is taking headspace away from the fact her partner feels no compunction in physically abusing her

if he was really worried about her frailty due to being underweight, would he hold her down by her shoulders and lean his body weight on her ?

that is the real story here

[Bogeyface]

But Queen are they fat? Or is it just in the OPs opinion? when I was a size 10 I thought that 16 was fat! Now I think it is on the larger side of normal :o (I am a 16 btw!)

I do think that the weight thing is an issue if the DP is genuinely concerned and just snapped. I totally agree that his behaviour was completely unacceptable but having seen a mother deal with an anorexic daughter I can understand that he might have lost it out of fear that she is damaging herself.

OP, have you spoken to him since? What has his reaction been when you told him how you felt about what he did? I think his reaction will be the most telling.

[QueenOfAllBiscuitsandMuffins]

"But Queen are they fat? Or is it just in the OPs opinion? when I was a size 10 I thought that 16 was fat! Now I think it is on the larger side of normal (I am a 16 btw!)"

but for most people (and I say this as someone who has been size 16 at 5'10) size 16 is FAT (or in the BMI scale named overweight) it's because you are a size 16 you think it's just the larger size of normal. YOUR perception is skewed as well just the other way now.

[BalloonSlayer]

"At 5st 10" and allegedly 10 stone, the OP's size 12 jeans are falling off her because manufacturers are making them smaller these day - er, no, they're not - and she's now allegedly a size 10. "

Izzy - I felt skeptical about the OP's claims to not be underweight and did a BMI check on her details. She has much the same BMI as me: I am 8st 12 and 5'4" - around 20 ish. I am slim but still have rolls round my belly.

I agree that jeans are getting bigger. I am in a 10 now, and I was in a 10 25 years ago when I weighed 7 stone.

HOWEVER this does not mean that the OP is not exhibiting eating behaviour that is either dangerous to her health, or extreme and not revealed on this thread. There may well be cause for concern regarding her diet.

Nevertheless, nothing warrants physical abuse. And that on that, that the "leave him" posters are - rightly - focusing their energy.

[theredhen]

Physical and emotional abuse is not on whatever size and shape you are.

I've been on the receiving end of well meaning friends and family who thought it was perfectly acceptable to comment on my weight (or lack of ).

Makes me laugh because most of them were seriously overweight. I am skinny, always have been and probably always will be. I eat what I like but naturally favour healthy foods and enjoy a bit of gentle exercise. I don't critisise my OH for being a bit overweight and he would never critisise me for being thin.

[Bogeyface]

Queen that is exactly my point! Perception is personal, and what she thinks is fat is maybe not what someone else would say is fat.

I am not fat now, but I was unhealthily skinny then. I am on the absolute upper edge of normal for my BMI and if you saw a photo of me you wouldnt say I was fat because of my body shape. And actually, I am probably healthier now than I was then because I eat better and I do more exercise, and I am 14 weeks post birth so no alcohol etc. Its all relative. Thin does not equal healthy.

[fortyplus]

Jeans certainly are huge these days! I'm 5' 9". In my 20s I was around 10.5 - 11 stone and bought size 14. At 50 I'm around 12 stone though athletic/muscular build and buying size 12.

[HerHissyness]

The weight is totally immaterial here everyone.

He held her down and threatened to FORCE FUCKING FEED HER!

Can we stay focussed on what the real problem is, that her P feels entitled to pin her to the floor, bodily, and scream at her to do what he tells her to do.

No matter her weight, no matter if she has a disorder or not, he assaulted her.

[solidgoldbrass]

OP, how does your H behave with regard to the rest of your life together? Does he insist on getting his own way over other things (eg what TV programmes you want, who you spend time with as a family, the amount of housework that needs doing, how family money is spent? Or about how often you have sex?) Do you find yourself modifying your behaviour over any hobbies you have, or friends you see that your H doesn't like, or places you want to go, just to 'keep the peace'?
An abusive man is rarely single-issue abusive, it's pretty much always a broad spectrum of issues that trigger rows, all of which are really about putting you in your place and making you obey and submit.

If you really can't think of any other issue that causes rows, and the subject of your weight and eating habits are causing rows with other people, then it is possible that your eating is disorded and you need help with that.

[hester]

There are TWO 'real' issues here.

OP, it is unacceptable to be bullied and physically abused in a relationship. You know that, and you need to take very seriously that he did this to you. Is it indicative of a deeper dynamic in your relationship? Has he done similar things before?

But my alarm bells are ringing about your eating, OP. It's not your weight, which is not extremely low. It's the way you are talking about it, which to be frank sounds like an anorexic speaking (as an ex-anorexic myself). If I have got this wrong I am truly, truly sorry - but something about your post is making me think you are aware there is an eating problem here, though you are not ready to acknowledge that.

Only you can know: is your dp's unacceptable behaviour a manifestation of his abusive tendencies? Or is he a man pushed to the edge by your eating problems, who has snapped and reacted in a really out of order way?