My husband has evolved into a weirdo

[MrsTwat]

Have name changed as there are a few peeps on here who know me in RL and I dont want my RL world to know about this as I am embarrassed if I am being totally honest. This is going to be a right old ramble I fear as I try and explain things.

Married 10 years. Together 15. 2 DC 13 and 10. DH has never been a particuarly social person. Never had any close friends long term mates really a few peeps that come and go but then we have moved around alot in our marriage due to his job. I however, make the most of where ever we live and always seem to have some kind of social group of friends. Things between us are OK. Not fab but not awful. I do sense we are not as close these days but then we do little together. He does not like the things I like to do and I am not that keen on his interests either. We do just tend to just rub along. I am not unhappy but slowly realising how little time we enjoy together.

We had a long distance relationship for about 18months before moving in together. I now realise thats some of his persona he put across to me before moving in together was not 100% accurate- although he never actively lied. What I am trying to say is that I never got the impression he was an unsociable person. When we used to see each other, me where he lived and when he came to my town - we used to spend alot of our time out with other people and having fun. Within 6 months of us setting up home together (where he was then working) I fell pregnant - not planned (DC now just turned 13).

We then spent the following few years with babies and toddlers and no support network as we lived 500 miles from family. We rarely went out together. Infact my DC were 3 and 1 before I went out again. He would go to the occassional work curry night or similar. For years and years it was like this as we moved house every few years. Slowly it dawned on me and through some discussions together he admitted he disliked socialising really and couldnt be arsed with it. He knows friends are important to me and we have slipped into this kind of seperate social lives. He plays PS3/walks up hills, I go for coffee/lunch/pub/shopping with a mate and still pop to my home town every 6 to 8 weeks for an overnight stay to see my parents and best friend.

He is a very optomistic person and he spends his free time mountain biking, mountain/hill walking and gaming on the PS3. All of which he does alone. Occassionally me or one or both of the kids will join him on his walking or biking, occassionally a friend/mate from work but for most part he goes alone. He is certainly not depressed. He loved his job and is so enthusiastic about these few things in life. He is also a fab full hands on Dad to our DC.

People do notice how unsociable he is and I worry that he comes accross as rude. We had a small street party (4 families) in our street for the Royal Wedding and he was the only 1 who didnt join in on the day. He stayed in playing PS3. The other families commented in a jokey way that they rarely see him, he rarely speaks to even say hello and joked it was embarrassing in the mornings when they were all getting into their cars at the same time (in a cimmunal car park by our houses) and he does not even make eye contact with them. One person said he looks embarrassed to say hello. I just told them he is shy - which I suppose he is/must be.

However, he does spend ALOT of time alone. I will go out and do stuff with my mates, our DC etc. For instance if the DC want to go into town shopping on a weekend I will take them -they go off with their mates shopping and I do my own shopping. Its a win win situation - we then meet for lunch or tea and go home to DH who is either sat infront of the PS3 or back from a 12 mile hike.

DH hoards stuff galore. Hard to believe with the amount of times we have moved in the past 12 years but he wont chuck anything and its now getting to be a bit ridiculous. Our bedroom is piled high around the edges of stuff he will not chuck - old computers, old TVs and clothes. He has a tripple wardrobe, 2 chests and clothes piled high in the bedroom. he wont chuck any of it. We have had chats and rows about this over the years but nothing changes. He hides stuff in the attic and then when we move it obviously gets found. You would not believe some of the stuff he has kept.

Last weekend me and DC cleared their rooms. They decided they wanted to chuck their old videos out. So I just binned them - black bag ready for bin day yesterday. I work in a charity shop and videos have stopped selling and we have recently stopped accepting them as wer cannot give them away. No one I know has a video anymore so I just thought I would bin them.

Well he has gone mental. These are Disney videos. most of which the DC have duplicated on DVD. I have just resigned myself they will remian in the carrier bags he has put them in placed behind the diningroom door. He will do nothing with them and I cant face a row so its another pile of shit just sitting in the corner of yet another room.

Something else happend on the weekend which has really made me stand back and look at him and I suddenly see a bit of a loner weirdo freak and not my husband.

I swear to god I am not making this up.

I got up Sunday morning to our usually chaotic messy kitchen. Loads of glasses/dishes etc waiting to go in the dishwasher, which was waiting to be emptied. I noticed something yellow in a glass and just knew straight away it was urine. I sniffed it and it was. My 10yo was with me and also guessed what it was. I took the glass through to my husband who was in the lounge on the PS3 and asked him why he had done it. He looked a little embarrassed but didnt deny it. I asked if it was because he could not be arsed to shift his arse upstairs to the loo. He said nothing and played his game and asked me to throw it away. I refused. I left it on the kitchen windowsill for him to dispose ofand cleared the rest of the kitchen. Went out to the Gym and shops etc.

Later that day he came over all amorous to me. I told him to piss off. His pissing in the glass had upset me, pissed me off and I thought it was vile and disgusting. He then mumbled something about thinking he had something in his urine and needed to look at it. I dont believe this. It took him 7 hours to come up with this. Further discussion last night about his Drs visit to get checked out, confirm my doubts. He is way too vague about the details and he reckons he has to wait until next week for an appointment when I phoned yesterday and got offerd 4 different appointments for myself for yesterday or today. Infact our med centre is linked to his work and personnel generally get priority for appointments. That said in the 14 months we have lived here I have always managed to get a same day or next day appointment.

Further still, assuming he is being honest and he wanted to look at his urine there are other containers he could have used - several sample bottles in the first aid cupboard as our DC has kidney issues. Secondly - why just leave it out.

More disgusting though that was when he realised he had to dispose of the glass of piss himself, he just chucked it down the sink. No bleach, just a little run of the tap.

Every glass in the house has been dishwasherd - but I now find myself no wanting used the glasses. I am not usually such a wuss with things but this has just turned my stomach. There have been a few incidents before when I have smelt urine in the kitchen or even the bathroom sink (have a sepearate loo) but just never thought much about it. Am now wondering if its my husband.

I dunno - the wee incident has kind of flipped a switch in my head which has me thinking - he has gone too far with his wierdness now. I have just been totally turned off.

Dunno what I want anyone to say or suggest - perhaps an outsider view on how they would feel if their husband did the same.

[TechLovingDad]

Pictish, admittedly that story is funny.

I never said he had mental illness or anything else.

I'm off now.

[Pictish]

I never said you did Tech Dad - I was really referring to the overall tone of the thread.

Anyway - I'm glad I made you laugh.

Have a good day. x

[Ickyface]

Mumsnet gone mad again! Poor bloke, leave him alone! I actually think there are a lot of married men who can't be arsed with socialising and happy in there own company. The peeing in a glass - total non issue just a lazy bugger. Sounds like his personality not some mental health/aspergers issue.

[TechLovingDad]

Fair enough, pictish. I've just remembered a story that completely trashes my comments earlier. I'd best pretend I never made them

[Lizzabadger]

I don't think anyone can diagnose anything on the basis of what you have written. I DO think you and your DH should reach some sort of compromise over hygiene/junk etc.

[TubbyDuffs]

Totally agree JanMorrow those are the issues which need addressing, he is basically being a crap dad and husband.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Mrs T,

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

You write that he is a "good dad". No he is not. My guess is you've also written that because you yourself cannot say anything positive about him now. What is also telling is that you have not written anything about how you actually feel about him now, whether you still love him.

Hoarding possessions can be indicative of mental health problems and compulsive hoarding is a recognised mental health disorder. I can well believe you re stuff that has been kept (my FIL is a hoarder as well); its all part of their personality and identity. Throwing anything away to them is complete anathema, they just cannot bring themselves to do it.

I think he has always been this way and for reasons known to yourself have gone along with it (till now at least) and perhaps have hoped that he would somehow change.

You need to get this out into the open re your H MrsT (talking to the GP would be a good start) because such behaviours do escalate as you have already seen. If he was properly clinically assessed and confirmed as having some sort of mental health issue, what would you do then?.

What are you both teaching your children about relationships here?. Its not exactly a healthy role model for them to be seeing is it?. They are likely to be both confused and frightened by his behaviour and wonder about your part in it.

[ScarlettWalking]

Blokes don't piss in bottles how bizzare to suggest this.

Op your dh behavior sounds rank and disturbed. I couldn't live with what you describe.

[Pictish]

Dh has just got in from work....I have asked him about Pissgate and he has told me that he has known men to piss in glasses when they can't be assed to go to the toilet. Says it's well common.
He then went on to say (without me bringing it up) that he even knows loads of blokes that piss in the sink. Some even do it front of people (other blokes).

So there you have it OP. Make of that what you will.

Mental illness and aspergers. Jesus Christ!

[KatieScarlett2833]

My DH once pissed into a toilet roll that was upright on a chest of drawers next to our bed. To be fair, he was mortally drunk and sleepwalking and never spilled a drop.

ASD - no
Drunken Twat - most definately

[TheOriginalFAB]

It is very sad how you feel about your husband now and you need to think if you can stay with him if he doesn't change how he is. If not, you need to tell him and then he has the chance to talk to you. He might be perfectly happy as he is and not willing to change even if that means he loses you. He might realise there is something not usual with him and will get support to change so you will stay. He might be happy as he is but willing to change. You need to talk to him.

The pissing in places other the loo is disgusting whatever the reason he has done it. On rogue dealers a man pissed in a client's bath room sink. Totally gross and the man couldn't say why he did it. Tell him to stop pissing anywhere but the toilet.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Mrs T

The ball is very much in your court now.

You may well have to countenence the possibility that your DH has some sort of mental health problem. If this is indeed the case and he would of course have to be assessed clinically, what are you going to do then?.

Your children are learning from the two of you about relationships, what are you teaching them?.

Mental illness is no respector of persons; people can choose to minimise what you're experiencing by dismissing mental illness as a possible cause but what if he is indeed mentally ill?.

[Pictish]

Why on earth does anyone think he has a mental illness??

Hello????

[madonnawhore]

No one is saying categorically that the OP's H has Aspergers or similar. Calm down Pictish.

OP said in her post that she is finding her H's behaviour increasingly odd and worrying and asked for others' perspectives.

The suggestion that one explanation for the hoarding, the extreme social awkwardness, the reclusiveness and the strange behaviour with the bodily waste could be down to a mental illness is perfectly reasonable and valid, and not at all beyond the realms of possibility. All of those traits are symptomatic of mental illnesses on the autism spectrum, just as they are also indicative of someone who is simply anti-social and lazy. Of all those who have suggested a mental disorder may be an explanation, the advice has unanimously been to talk to a medical professional to either confirm or eliminate the possibility.

I don't know why you're so keen to minimise the OP's concern and dismiss other posters' helpful points of view.

[madonnawhore]

OP said herself she feels the weirdness has gone too far, which suggests the behaviours she's describing in her H are extreme and not simply a case of someone who prefers online gaming to socialising and is a bit of a lazy slob.

[Pictish]

Ok OP - send your poor hubby along to the doctor because he doesn't say hi to the neighbours, isn't a social butterfly, and pissed in a glass once.


I am done here.

[Ickyface]

He is a very optomistic person and he spends his free time mountain biking, mountain/hill walking and gaming on the PS3. All of which he does alone. Occassionally me or one or both of the kids will join him on his walking or biking, occassionally a friend/mate from work but for most part he goes alone. He is certainly not depressed. He loved his job and is so enthusiastic about these few things in life. He is also a fab full hands on Dad to our DC.

I'm sorry but I still don't/can't see the mental health issues here. It seems to me that he's always been this way to some extent and perhaps becoming more pronounced the older he gets. I've seen true mental illness and aspergers and there's nothing here that truly rings alarm bells to me.

[plinkduet]

I bet his star sign is Cancer...

[TubbyDuffs]

FFS Pictish how can you diagnose that he hasn't got a mental illness any more than anyone can diagnose that he has.

There has been some good advice on here, no one has said run for the hills, it has all been positive and telling her to seek help for him and their relationship.

[shesgotherlipstickon]

FFS, bloody MN dr's.

AUTISM, ASD, ASPERGERS. Whatever, is NOT A MENTAL ILLNESS. It's a LEARNING DISABILITY.

People can have ASD and mental illnesses. A diagnosis of ASD, on the spectrum is not one of any mental illnesses.

It really pisses me off, when people throw these labels around, as if everyone has it, when they don't even know what it is.

[madonnawhore]

The gatekeepers of labels and the thread police are getting very upset I see so I will wish the OP good luck and hope that she found some of this discussion useful.

Before I go, I'll say this: If someone pisses in a drinking glass for whatever reason, when they are within seconds from a proper toilet, there is something wrong with them. Even if it's just staggeringly bad manners and hygiene and lack of respect for those they live with.

[shesgotherlipstickon]

No MH, if people are going to throw around labels and hand out diagnoses, they'd better know damn well what they are talking about. You don't.

Conditions on the ASD, spectrum are not mental illnesses, they are learning disabilities. So if you want to be so insistent, with your knowledge of the subject, get it right.

It really boils my piss, having two mentally disabled children, when people chuck the label around, when they don't know what they are talking about.

I find your posts on this thread, ignorant at best.

[ScarlettWalking]

Pictish just because your husband is a brute doesn't mean all of us must put up with this revolting level of behavior and see it as part and parcel of living with a man! Aside from this the op dh has further issues with hoarding and shunning interaction, even as simple greeting is too much for him. This is unusual and worrying.

[TheProvincialLady]

I have no idea whether or not your DH has a mental health issue, but I do know that his behaviour and lifestyle is impacting in a very negative way on all your lives. Preventing even th children from throwing away stuff they don't want or need, and that they have replicated on another format is very controlling and unpleasant for their environment.

Whatever the cause, you can't continue like this. Are you going to issue an ultimatum re counselling/house clearance or are you going to live with it for another ten years? He will never change of his own accord.

[Pictish]

"Pictish just because your husband is a brute doesn't mean all of us must put up with this revolting level of behavior"

I beg your pardon?