How would you feel about this?

[ThomCat]

We've been invited to a wedding. DP is going to DJ for a bit - when he mentioned this this morning I said 'ohhh, I hate that - it means I'm going to be on my own for hours'. I didn't get really upset about it just said it in a normal voice. I'll only know 2 people and the bride and groom and I don't know those 4 people very well so...... Anyway DP's instant reaction was to say 'don't come then I'll take X', a mutual friend to him and groom etc. I replied that I knew when it came to it I'd be fine but if he'd rather take his friend then... and he didn't argue with that just said 'well do you want to go or not'. I told him it was his decision who he chooses to take, (even though the invite is to the 2 of us and our DD). Anyway just spoke to him about something just now and he said again 'so do you want to come'! I'm feeling really peed off about this as it would seem to me that he'd rather take his mate, as he bought it up so quickly as soon as he saw a window of opportunity (me saying I wasn't over the moon at the being on my own while he DJ'd) and has bought it up again, even though I've never said I didn't want to go.
Sorry - I know this is rambled and a rant - but would you be upset / angry that your DP /DH very much seemed to want to take a friend to a wedding rather than you. I personally think it's a bit outrageous and thought that's what stag nights were for.
Once again I call upon Mumsnetters to either help me see reason and calm me down or confirm that my DP is being a b@5t@rd!

Just tell him you want and intend to come, if that is what you want, but also tell him it would be nice to spend time with your husband on a night out and so can he tell you how long he plans to dj. I'd keep it as simple and unconfrontational as poss. Are you taking your dd and if so, will you be able to stay late or can she sleep anywhere?

I'm sure you will get to know people during the meal etc, weddings are usually pretty sociable, particularly if you have a cute baby with you - they make a great introduction to people.

Anyway, it's not his decision who he takes. If people had brought uninvited people to my wedding I would have been very peed off. It's not a party, it's a wedding. If the groom really wanted this other person there he would have invited him, surely?

I agree with aloha, it's NOT up to him who he takes - the invitation was for you and dh and dd. Brides and grooms spend sooo long deciding who to invite that I think it would be very rude to take someone who hadn't been invited - that's not how it works with weddings, even if the other person does know the couple. I'd be mildly peed off with him and ask him to put a definite time limit on the DJing. You don't want to get there and find he's going to be gone for 4 hours, I agree, and he would be unreasonable were he to do this I think. I do think men don't quite 'get' this kind of thing - he probably doesn't see it as a big deal at all, whilst you're getting more and more worked up about it. I do know the feeling, being capable of complete unreasonableness (I know it's not a word, but it should be) myself! I'd tell him of course you're going since you were invited and it's a family outing but that you need to know how long you'll be left on your own. I'm sure people will talk to you, they always do at weddings.

Thanks Aloha. God I feel so annoyed with him. Exactly - it isn't his decision who he takes. I know I said it's up to him who he wanted to take - but that was me being a stereo-typical woman (!!)and testing him. I think it's incredibly rude on the bride & groom and very odd as well. He's such a silly little boy at times!!I'm being all stubborn about it now and feel if he did say 'oh dodn't be silly, of course you can come' I'd smack him round the head and tell him to stick it!!! (Now who's being silly!! )

Thomcat, go and have fun. Have a boogie around the dancefloor with Lottie when he is dj'ing and enjoy yourself. I'm sure there will be others who don't really know anyone very well.

As for the invite, imo he has no right to take anyone else but you and dd unless he asks the bride and groom in advance, so tell him he will have to uninvite his mate because he is being very thoughtless to your friends and you. I would have been really mad if someone I didn't know turned up at my wedding.

Have just emailed you btw, so ignore my last sentence in it!

message withdrawn

Twigglet - you've just cracked me up!!!!!!
You're so right. When am I due on????? (I'm not actually asking you to answer that!?) Could that be it - seem to be very hormonal this week!
Hmmm, maybe I'll just stop being so childish and not make this into something it needn't be which is so what I was going to do.
BTW - I've been to at least 105 events with him where I haven't known a sole and always had a good time so that was never really a problem - it's just always the image of standing in a corner with no-one to talk to but I know that would never happen - I'll talk the ear off anyone!!! Could you tell that already my my long, rambling posts!!!!!!!

You must've been to some fishy weddings... or were they all in the shoeshop??

Beetroot - spot on I reckon.
I'm just being a bit over sensitive and silly - I'm getting over that with Mumsnetters help!
He won't know what's hit him when i go home and apologise first and say that I understand he wants to DJ guilt free and enjoy the wedding without worrying about me but I'd really enjhoy being away with him for the weekend etc etc!!!!
Ha haaaaa, can't wait to see his face !!

This story reminds me of when I worked as a wedding planner, and it always used to amaze me just how many DJ's would turn up to do their stint and they would nearly always bring along a girlfriend who just used to sit by the decks, with half a diet coke, lookig really miserable and not talking to anyone.

Thomcat - you can be a groupie!

a wedding planner northerner - that sounds very glam - tell me, are you like J-Lo?

Katierocket - I wouldn't say it was glam. But very intersting, and it's given me lots of great stories to tell!

Sadly, I'm nothing like J-Lo

Well I have been a groupie many times - but not that sort - I'm DJ Bird - drinking tons of vodka (normally it's given free at clubs for the DJ and his bird) and I talk the hind legs off anyone who'll let me and dance my 7i75 off!!!!!
Lie the image of sitting being miserable drinking half a diet coke!!!!!!!!

If I thought my dh wanted to take a mate that badly instead of me, I'd say I was going just to spite him!

Know how you feel Thomcat - I was in exactly the same situation a few weeks ago.
Invited to one of DP's friends wedding - DP's brother couldn't get a babysitter so DP's sister in-law couldn't go - DP then decided that becuase his sister in law wasn't going that i wouldn't want to go either.

I didn't particulaly want to go but did in the end just to piss him off!

Think it's just a bloke thing!

Bossanova and Jemma& glad to see we speak the same language.
Thomcat I would go to piss him off.
Also if this mate is a mutual friend, why isnt he invited??????

It's a numbers thing and he knows my DP a bit more than other mate. To be honest I'm surprised we're going. DP only sees groom a couple of times a year or so. Anyway DP phoned a little while ago and I said 'look to go to funerals without me is one thing, but weddings is quite another, so I suggest we talk about this tonight as I think it would very rude of you to just take X and not me, rude and odd to be honest.' He said 'I'd love you to come, don't be silly....I'll see you tonight'. Hmmm bit of backpedalling going on!
I'm going to go now and talk to everyone else except him - silly sod!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i would try my best to get a babysitter for the evening so I could dance the night away on my own while he did his kevin impression (kevin and perry - wanna be a dj)
and drink like a fish.

Totally selfish and unladylike but worth the agro

And make sure you look like a total fox, so everyone can't stop watching you!

Thomcat

I'd feel much the same and agree with others that it is not up to him to change the invitation especially since it is specifically addressed to include you and dd. I hate these occasions too but anticipation is often worse than the reality. Grit your teeth and be determined to enjoy yourself even for those few hours. Presumably your dp will know a few others there and can introduce you before his stint and dd will be an icebreaker. You don't have to make lifelong friends afterall.

hope you manage to resolve it tonight

Doormat - quite like the idea on being total selfish and unladylike - thanks - my Mum said she'd babysit!!!

Thomcat have not read the other replies yet but here's my take.
I bet your dh was chuffed to bits to be asked to DJ and when he mentioned it "casually" he expected you to be proud of him but instead he had the wind taken out his sails by your response which was to immediately think about how it would affect you, and was gernerally (to his mind) negative. SOmetimes when people don't get the response they were hoping for they say things they don't mean because they feel hurt.
Is this a possibility?
Hope you get it sorted and have a lovely time.

IKWYM Jasper - but he offered to DJ and said to me:
'I got a bit drunk last night and offered to set up the sound system, DJ and everything..... can't belive it....going to have to say it's going to be a nightmare....'
So it was put to me as a negative and I took it from there and said 'oh no, and now I'll have hours on my own at a wedding..'
To be honest I love being there when he DJ's as he's fab and gets everyone going for it - he used to be a resident at the Ministry of Sound so is pretty fab, in my eyes anyway! I always let him know that's how I feel about him as well, he's in no doubt about that.
In an ideal world I'd be there but so would the mate who didn't get the shout due to numbers.
My DP is incredibly self centered a LOT of the time so when he jumped at the possibility of me not going and offered to take his friend instead he was most probably thinking that he'd have a much better crack with his friend who knew everyone at the wedding and not have to worry about me.
However he doesn't have to worry about me and I don't know why I said 'I won't know anyone' as it's never bothered me before, I dodn't have a problem with meeting new people. It's just the thought of it that gets me all nervous. In the situation I'm fine and just get on with it and that's one of the things he's always sadi he loves about me.
I just thought it strange that he didn't reassure me i'd be fine as I usually am - but said 'I'll take X' and that's what upset me.

Still possibly banging on at a wrong tangent but maybe he put it to you as a negative in the hope you would say "but you'll have a great time and you are SO good at it", a kind of male version of "I'm getting fatter amn't I?" (to which the correct reply is NOT "yes we will need to get the doors widened" ). My dh, bless him is fond of this kind of double speak when he does not come right out and say what he means, expecting me to read his mind and getting hurt when I don't. Yes, nuts, I know.

Alternatively he is possibly a selfish so and so who needs a swift kick up the jacksies!

If this incident is a one off maybe you should let it pass and hopefully talking about it here will have helped get it off your chest but if it is part of an ongoing pattern of behaving I suppose you are going to have to sit him down and try to talk to him about it.

WAAH. Why are relationships so complicated ?