Buying a property with parents and building them an annexe?

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Has anyone done this?

We are considering pooling our money to buy a house with land, and building an annexe that DPs would love in. The deposit would come from the sale of DPs current house, with me and DH raising a mortgage for the rest.

If your parents are in their eighties, I would be concerned on how long it would take before their annex would be built for they to live in. By the time, they sell, your buy a place, then planning & building the annex.
Will you all live in the house you buy while the annex is being built? Will there be enough space for everyone so you can live ok together?
A neighbour of my parents did something similar but ended up only having the benefit of living in the annex for a couple of months. It was also, a lot of stress to go through to get to the annex being built.

Is there an option of buying somewhere big enough to house everyone?

Thanks for sharing, this is coming up a bit on this thread which is definitely making me think we need to look into this aspect more. It’s a tough one as them staying where they are would have a detrimental impact on them, so I dont want to leave them there ‘in case’ they need care, which also could be mitigated by them moving in with us. I suppose the alternative is they still move here but we buy separate properties so we are less entwined financially….

My elderly grandparents moved into a bungalow very near to my parents. Great as they could walk between in less than two minutes. It gave everyone some separation and privacy though that was MUCH needed compared to being in the same building! It also avoided all the legal issues such as DoA.

They did later have an elderly parent move into an annexe in their house and whilst there was a lot of love, it stretched every relationship thread almost to breaking point.

Thanks dora

we’ve been working on the assumption that an annexe would take up to year, so looking at properties that we could share for that length of time.larger properties that we could share long term are probably above our budget, and to be honest I think we all want some degree of separation.

the length of time living together while getting the annexe sorted is probably our main concern though. We’ve been looking at places where they would effectively have the downstairs and then we would have the upstairs (but all sharing the kitchen). But a year is a long time to live like this, and if it took ok get that would probably tip us all over the edge!

Thanks pragmaticIsh
yes two seperate properties close by sounds ideal, the impact on relationships is a worry!

Yes my neighbour did something similar.

Big plans for a lovely annex/extension, about 2 weeks into the build the parent died. Never moved in.

she’s now living in a building site because the money is tied up in probate. Even if she could finish it it’s her on her own in effectively a 5 bed property she can’t afford to run.

there’s also now an issue as it’s not in writing whether the money was a gift or a loan, so the executor of the estate can’t proceed. She has nothing to show it was a gift, so if it’s a loan she’ll have to pay it all back.

We’ve been looking at places where they would effectively have the downstairs and then we would have the upstairs (but all sharing the kitchen). But a year is a long time to live like this, and if it took ok get that would probably tip us all over the edge!

So basically, you think that sharing would tip you all over the edge!

But your parents living in the annexe is the same as sharing - if they're at the end of the garden. There won't be a day that you won't see each other or interact.

I have no personal experience and perish the thought that either of my sons would suggest such a living arrangement with me (I'm 70) but have read enough to know that couples usually want to get their hands on parents money, to be honest, to build their dream home - with said parents in 'the annexe'.

I expect it does work in some cases but the oldies usually come off worse.

We did something similar many years ago and our experience was very positive. One key difference was that we moved somewhere that didn't require renovation for us to live there but instead already provided enough separation for us to live separately but together, so I cannot comment on those aspects.

In terms of the purchase, it is inevitably more complex to sell two properties to buy one and you will be a less attractive prospect to any potential vendors. The logistics of effectively managing two separate chains is quite stressful!

My parents had quite an age gap so DD was in his mid 80s and DM in her early 70s when we moved. DD was very relieved to no longer have the burden of managing their own property and also knowing that DM was settled with us in the event that he died. He lived with us for nearly two years, and DM was his main caregiver so little fell to us at that time, and we had no need to source external carers so any questions of deprivation of assets never arose. When DM became unwell, we provided her care until her final few weeks, at which point her care costs were met without question, and again DoA was not an issue for us.

We were very fortunate that DM kept good physical and mental health until her last few months. However, there were several years before that during which period we were increasingly involved in her care for things like managing finances, taking her to appointments, picking up her shopping and cooking her meals. Some of this coincided with Covid lockdowns so we were inevitably around more to do these things. But as the rest of the country opened up, we found our lives were still heavily restricted as we didn't feel that DM could reasonably be left unsupported while we went away for a holiday and eventually even a weekend away felt impossible. It wasn't that she needed 24/7 care at that stage but she did need support, and as we were usually around she didn't have a wider support network in place that she (and we) could rely upon.

For the issues that we did face, I am still very glad that we went ahead and moved together. Good luck!

it’s helpful to hear your perspective westfa ing I agree this set up wouldn’t be right for lots of people, but DPs were the original instigators of this idea, different strokes for different folks I guess! But yes, it needs lots of consideration for who/where/what compromises are happening for both parties, so no one feels they have come off worse.

It’s not just me who would be tipped over the edge by living the same roof for a prolonged period, DPs need and want their own space too, and understandably so. We all agreed that a year living together would probably be the longest we could live this - the house we would all live in temporarily wouldn’t be huge, so it would be challenging, eg sharing a kitchen. But the properties we are looking at have enough outside space that an annexe would feel like we were able to have some privacy, and certainly our own kitchens.

DM said to us many years ago when she was in her 60s that she wanted to move into a log cabin at the bottom of our garden later in life, it is something she has been thinking about for a very long time rather than an idea we have whipped up, and as old age is no longer something in their far distance future it is something that needs to happen sooner rather than later if they want to do it. They are increasingly struggling to manage their current property due to its size and their mobility, and their independence will decline due to some progressive health problems. We are all weighing up the compromises and positives & negatives, which will be different for us and DPs, but I would hope they don’t think ‘the oldies have come off worse’.

Hi OP,

We did this around two years ago. There's a very long thread on here somewhere from me about the process of building the annexe/extending the main house.

Re deprivation of assets - this wouldn't definitely be the case, if your parents needed care. You need a very good financial advisor who can set out clearly the reasons that you're entering into this arrangement. It's important to do this before there are any signs that your parents need care that you can't provide. If you are able to show that there were sound reasons for the decision to move in together, and that they were in good health at the time with no reason to suspect they would need care, deprivation of assets shouldn't apply.

Re living in houses nearby rather than an annexe - this really depends on your relationship. My DM has cerebral palsy and I know for her, it's a massive relief to know that I'm literally in the next room. Also, if I'm having a lazy day, I can pop into her home in my PJs and barefeet. I've got two disabled DC with high needs - the logistics of having to go down the street would make it a faff. Next door means it's much easier just to pop in whenever you need.

Re privacy - you need open, honest, and frank discussions. You need very clear boundaries to prevent resentment on either side. Are there any occasions you don't share with your parents at the moment - Christmas? Birthdays? Easter? You need to think about how it would feel to exclude them when they are literally next door. And then you need to think about how it would feel to have no family time on big occasions that doesn't include them too. You need a balance but this requires the ability to have open and honest conversations about what you all need/want. Not easy!

Re future caring - you need to be clear about what future care you are willing/able to provide and at what point you'd need to consider a care home/carers. My DM is adamant she won't ever consider a care home. I also cared for my dad until he died so I'm OK with providing that role. It can be demanding though. My DM has just been diagnosed with early dementia, in addition to her cerebral palsy, so it's already hard work at times.

Re practicalities of living - we bought a wide house, which is also a corner plot. This meant we were able to section the house off to the side and DM has her own garden and we have ours. We also moved the kitchen and living rooms around so we weren't either side of the same door. The internal connecting door now runs from our hallway to the study then laundry room, and then the internal door. This provides us both with privacy to chat without the other side overhearing. I didn't realise how important this would be!

Re the practicalities of building - this is what my previous thread was about. We opted for a modular build because it's 1) super fast 2) cheaper than standard construction 3) extremely energy efficient 4) feels just like a "normal" house! It was up within a couple of months. We had originally planned a traditional construction but I'm glad we went via the modular route.

I am glad we made this move as it makes it easier for me to provide support to DM (and my stepdad) without eating up huge chunks of my time travelling back and forth.

If there's anything specific you want to know, please ask. I've tried to think of what I'd find useful if I was doing this all over again!

Thanks so much for such a detailed reply, the positives you mention are what we are hoping to achieve so it’s a really good reminder of why we are considering it. Really glad to hear it was so positive for you all.

Planning future care can be difficult. We had fil move in with us for a short while- he went from relatively independent to needing 24 hour care in 6 months. Dh had to give up work, we got carers in etc but it was very difficult for us all, especially the kids who felt they couldn’t use our living room because he’d be sat on the sofa.

so for a while we were on my salary and really struggled financially as well.

our social worker told us she’s often called in when parents live with their adult children, not factoring in the sheer relentlessness of care. She even knew an Alzheimer’s carer who tried it and couldn’t cope as her mum was getting up at 2 am and going out. So locks on the doors, couldn’t be left alone, and she was getting no sleep. Calling the police saying she was locked in, really awful.

then add in to that their house has been sold to build the annexe/buy a new property with the children and there’s no money for care. So the only option is a basic council care facility- if you’re not considered DoA- or selling the house.

all it takes is one fall, one stroke, rapid onset dementia, and you find yourself 24 hours on call, cleaning up bodily fluids, showering your parent, having to get them up out of bed and dressed. Many are resistant to carers so you’re on your own.

so many seem very anti-care home but I know I’d rather have paid carers doing my intimate care, not my children.