Open plan living with a small baby and a tired husband

[AspirationalToiletries]

How do you make it work?

We have an open plan living/dining room and a three month old.
DH is watching a film, I am feeding dd.
She snortles
He turns the volume up
She finishes and grizzles briefly till The Burp
He turns the volume up more
I put her down and she coos happily in the bouncy chair
More volume

We only have one television.

Do I have to closet myself with dd in the (frankly pokey) nursery? Build an extension? Banish dh to the shed? Buy ear defenders? What am I missing?

'But you are making noise, I can't hear unless I turn it up'

teach him how to use subtitles - our whole downstairs is open plan!

Tough.

He should be grateful it's burping and happy cooing. We had to watch television with subtitles for most of ds's first year...

x-post cargirl!

How insensitive - I would turn the flippin thing off and tell him that I was busy with the baby. So he can't hear the TV? Big deal, he can still see it......agree with others...tell him to use subtitles...

Subtitles, I hardly ever hear the tv anymore with the girls running around so I read the subtitles!

justaboutbacktonormal is right. Baby noises are nature's way of easing you gently into the time time when you will have no peace at all when the children are awake...

oh you're going to hate me...

he's dyslexic - subtitles a definite non-starter

Double set of headphones?

what is the issue that you have, that the TV ends up just too loud (yes get him headphones then) or that he just isn't prepared to fully accept that the noises are part of family life and you are p*d off with him?

you've got to the nub of it there CarGirl.

Every time he reaches for the remote with a sigh I feel like he's finding dd and me are being a nuisance and disturbing his film.

I get the same thing doing night feeds - doing everything as quietly as possible in an effort not to disturb him.
Any night nappychange (which she hates and wails through) ends up with me crying along with dd on the changing mat because I feel so bad that we've woken dh and so helpless in the face of dd's crossness.

God I sound like a basket case - this is obviously about more than telly...

It's going to happen. His routine is going to be disturbed. And he is going to have to get used to it...

Frankly, if DH was sitting watching a film, he would be the one looking after the baby while I went and had a bath (after the feeding bit of course).

Is he having trouble adjusting?

how old is dd and do you ever leave your dh in charge of her? If not it's about time you did, sounds like he needs to build a bond with her so she is not "annoying" him with her very existence?

DH did feel a bit this way in the beginning TBH. He didn't really see the point of them until they started sitting up and taking notice. He loved them of course, but didn't find them engaging.

I had to be rather firm

oh yes, I've even expressed and gone on days/nights out etc - he loves her to bits and they have a fab time together... but it's usually when he chooses to iyswim, and unsurprisingly the bulk of the time she's with me.

I think it's slightly complicated by the fact dh works from home so
a) he's used to having the house to himself during the day and
b) if I'm struggling with an explosive poo / sudden unprovoked screaming / lots of laundry etc I feel (irrationally) that as dh is only upstairs in the study he should come and help me, which of course he shouldn't.

she's 3m - did I say that already?

Aspirational - are you a surrendered wife? I have just read your last post after reading about your (d?)h's appalling behaviour - do you really think it is irrational to ask him to help if you are exhausted and struggling? I work from home as well and, yes, sometimes I am really busy but most of the time it is like work anywhere - you have quite a lot of slack when you probably can run down the stairs to lend a hand for a few moments.

Also, I would like to point out that working from home is an amazing privilege - in most offices your space is not sacred, you have to put up with noisy people on the next desk making boring phone calls, humming tunelessly, forcing you to go to dreary and pointless meetings. At home, generally, you have much more control over your surroundings but, really, if he is like this about your child making a tiny bit of noise as he watches TV, what sort of strop is he going to throw when he has important deadline and she is teething? Honestly, what does he expect you/her to do with yourselves?

I'm really sorry to be so unhelpful but this man sounds a complete cretin and totally self-absorbed. Please stop tiptoeing around him.

Our little one is 3 months old. With the exception of b/f everything else is split down the middle as far as we can sort out. And dh does MORE than his fair share with our dd1 who is almost 4 years.

Typical examples: one night my dinner is disturbed, the next night it is his. If she poos, it is just as much his turn to change her as mine. If I am watching something on tv, and she cries (upstairs or downstairs) he goes rather than me.

You shouldn't have to ask him, he should pull his weight. If you don't sort it now, it will get worse. Babies do cry, and don't realise that they are irritating to their parents at times.

Lucky him that he doesn't do the night feeds. My dh is aware he is very lucky that he doesn't - only because I b/f exclusively at the moment.

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic. My ex dp was very unreasonable (thank goodness I didn't have children with him) Hope things improve for you.

x

btw I felt very sad when I read about you doing night feeds and how you seem so anxious and almost worried about disturbing him.

You are probably in the same position as me -up twice ( on a good night) feeding, snuggling etc. Would be nice if he was disturbed that he turned over and gave you both a cuddle and offered to get you a drink or take over the nappy change.

he has a child now. He cannot watch tv uninterrupted. If he wanted to carry on leading a childless life, he shouldn't have had children.

Stop protecting him from the consequences of his toiletries. Stop protecting him from his daughter.

You aren't shielding him from your daughter, you are shielding him from his own daughter. I don't think, actually, that you are doing any favours.

Make Saturday night his turn to do the night work - yes you have the breasts, but breasts are not required for rocking, nappy changing, carrying around.

If he protests (and he probably will) ask him outright why he has the idea that his wishes are more important than your needs!

Toiletries? what the feck?

I meant choices!

If he works from home can you come to an arrangement so that you get some time off in the day for eg...

7am you get up and sort breakfast, nappy, dress her and entertain
9am your dh takes over for 15 mins while you get yourself dressed/ hair & teeth brushed so you feel human (well as close as you're going to get with a 3mth old in the house)
9.15am you pack yourself, dd and stuff in the car/ buggy?
head off to a toddler group/ library/ shopping whatever.
11am come home he makes you a cuppa (then goes bk to work) while you prepare to feed dd
12pm hopefully dd will sleep and you can chill out/ do housework whatever.
2pm have some cuddle time with dd, lie on the floor with her making silly faces get baby gym out whatever or go for a stroll round the block.
4pm dd has another snooze while you have a cuppa and MN (maybe shove something in cooker or ring for take out!
6pm dh comes down and takes over while you soak in the bath, lie on the bed, have a nap
He baths dd then you feed her and then she goes to bed until 11pm ish when you feed and change her again then you all go to sleep and take turns through the night.

Obviously this is just an example. Also take it in turns on weekends to get up first then the other goes back to bed for a bit, we still do this now and dd2 is 2yrs old!

You should not stress youself out over waking him, you are awake and tired and you have a job to do the next day too. You are doing the most important job ever! So his brings in money, your's means you have a happy baby! Babies are much more demanding than any slave driver boss!