Being the only BME kid in an all-Caucasian class

[Confuzzled19]

Would this worry you?

Everything.

When you are attending a school that is exclusively for wealthy people, there is an even playing field of sorts.

A state school will have a mix of students and a mix of socioeconomic backgrounds.

So what difference does any of that make to a single BME child in a class? I don’t get why it makes any difference. If anything children at a prep might be more sheltered and know fewer BME children than in a state school. All parents and children can be welcoming. Money has nothing to do with it!

I don't think I misunderstood, Ocean. I am agreeing, that standing out is uncomfortable, and my ds doesn't, fortunately because of school's attitude and age we live in.

OK. The original OP asked about the child being the only one of a different race in their classroom.

Now we’d all love to believe it makes no difference but in reality it can. Being the ‘only’ black kid, the only boy, whatever, can be a bit uncomfortable.

Now when you are in a private school, there has already been a weeding out process of sorts, because it costs money to go. As such, being the only BME kid in the room is less important, because you’ve already got something more important in common with the other kids in your class. Money.

BME kids don’t exist to enlighten the white children on other cultures, BTW

The schools attitude has nothing to do with it irvine. Schools do not as a rule announce it when a BME child joins

Yes it's true, Ocean, but isn't it a one example of the school that do it properly? Everything is always depend on individual child, school and maybe parents. And I can see it sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. But the schools's attitude towards diversity matter, imo. They don't need to announce, they only needs to teach them to appreciate the difference, not only the race, but everything else as well.

Ocean. That’s total rubbish! Being different is being different whatever the school or background. Surely a child might have feelings about being different in any walk of life? Money makes no odds and children never think along these lines! As if a 5 year old goes to school thinking mum and dd have money so I’m not going to notice my skin is a different colour! You are just biased against people with more money!

However I believe children and parents can be truly inclusive in any school and from any background. Such a shame you have reduced this to money. It’s irrelevant!

It is always the people with money who insist it makes no difference

You carry on with your enlightened school irvine

Well, this seems to have got a little bit derailed, but in terms of what the OP was asking then I think I would look at the overall fit of the school for my child.

There is always going to be a 'shopping list' in our minds, maybe academic results, ethnic mix, sports facilities, friendly atmosphere, whatever - and these are factors in the decision. But in the end every kid is different and the 'right' school for one isn't always the 'right' school for another. You usually (hopefully!) end up having a good feeling about one or two of the schools you've viewed, based on the fact that you can see your DC being happy there. I think that's the thing to go with.

What's the point being sarcastic, Ocean? I am happy that my ds's school is a great one. But I do wish the same to others too. I am not happy about every aspect of the school, but this is one of them that I am happy with, and I would like people t know that it actually exist.

My DD's two best friends at primary were a Chinese girl, adopted daughter to two white parents, and a Vietnamese girl, again, adopted by two white parents. They were never seen as anything other than part of the crew, best buddies etc etc. It took a long time for my DD to realise they weren't biologically related to their parents. Kids see things differently.

It's not just about racism in our school, I have seen the incident during a Christmas play, a child taken another child outside. I asked what happened, my ds replied, that the girl is special, that they all need to take care of her. She was upset, so one next to her took her out. Don't you agree, the school is great in that respect?

I do not have a clue what you are talking about irvine

It is a pretty stupid kid who does not notice someone of a different race. Yes, they do notice.

OP there are two schools in our area, we are in the catchment for both. One has a noticeably higher proportion of BME pupils than the other. Slightly but not massively worse results. When we were selecting schools one of them stood out as being massively warmer, more inclusive, more child focussed (our child has a speech disorder and at the time suspected SEN so these were the things that we were looking for). Guess which one had more BME pupils? Being 'other' is hard for a lot of kids. In your shoes I would go for the one where your child was less likely to feel awkward.

And its not about confidence etc. My mixed race niece is about as confident as it comes but ended up in Uni on a satellite campus in a very very white town, it was fucking miserable for her. Coming from an inner London borough the staring was a horrible shock. She tranferred to an urban uni.

olderthanaverage But those girls will know. I'm not sure of your point there.

This was me. No problems at all. Its down to the school to nip any issues in the bud.

A black girl joined my predominantly white primary school when she was about 7 - she was the only non-white child in my class. I asked her (when she was older) about her experiences of racism, and she said it had been worse in London, where she'd lived before moving to my home town, as the black kids were all lumped together and stereotyped, but at my school she was an individual and treated as such. This is over 30 years ago, so the London school may deal with racism better now, but being the only BME child doesn't have to be negative.

Hmm, my kids went to a very white school. One of DS2's best friends is mixed race and he does stand out. I would imagine every kid in the school knows his name.

He is also a very big, extrovert, rule bending personality (lovely kid) and I think that sometimes he gets away with stuff because people think (maybe subconsciously) "ooh he's black so of course he's loud" and stereotype him a bit. No one expects him to be clever (which he is) or serious.

I know his mum holds him to higher behaviour than the school does because she worries about him being scapegoated for stuff.

On the whole, although I don't think he suffers a great deal of deliberate racism, I think it's better not to be the only one.

But those girls will know. I'm not sure of your point there

drspouse I suppose what I am trying to convey, is that they DIDN'T know, because nobody pointed it out to them, and their situation was normal for them. The fact that they were brown, with black hair, was irrelevant to those around them, and therefore they didn't see themselves as different.

Your phrasing says exactly what I mean.
White is default.
Brown is different.
It's good not to notice that you are brown.
Therefore there is something weird or unusual about being brown and we ought not to notice it, in fact we ought to pretend children aren't different.
But as I say obviously those girls are not blind and will notice.
So the rest of the story needs to change to:
Your ethnicity is something to be proud of.
If it's a minority ethnicity then, especially if you aren't living with the family members that share it, you should be learning and talking about it.

No I wouldn’t. I think anyone who says that it doesn’t matter has never been in that situation. We actively dismissed schools where our child would be the only child who is different.

It’s not that they wouldn’t have made friends or that people would have been racist it’s more that as they get older there’s an undercurrent of feeling a bit different and not having any connection to people who also have what makes you that bit different to them.

Ocean, I was responding to your sarcastic comment of "enlightened school", that some school do it right, buy teaching children well diversity wise.

And about your comment about children would notice of different race, how so? It's maybe different if the child didn't speak English. But if they are born in England, and speaks perfect English, and nothing is different from other kids other than colour of the skin, why do they need to think they are different, unless the adults input the info that they are different?

Erm because they look different and have different heritage??
Are you advocating that we pretend we don't see what colour people's skin is?

drspouse, maybe we are living in the different age compared to when we grew up.
I still have a concern, that as they get older, that my ds will be the target for bully for race/colour of the skin. But so far, at primary level, it isn't happening.

So do you genuinely think that we should pretend children don't look different, and that we shouldn't talk about it?