Teacher told my child I had complained to school

[mugglebumthesecond]

I made a complaint to school about something that I felt was affecting my child's wellbeing and the teacher has told my child (age 10) I had complained and that's why a certain arrangement had changed.

It took a while to scrape me from the ceiling and now I don't know whether to complain again, therefore aggregating the situation or just silently fume.

I am a former teacher and understand the pressure these people are under and that teacher wellbeing is in the interest of my child, but who is she to tell my child discreet information, meant only for adults? I'm also a former governor and know I really could go nuts about this.

Where is the discretion these days stuck between a rock and a Hard place but livid.

[ScarlettFreestone]

So I'm assuming that your DC has for example a compromised immune system and you were asking for them to be moved away from a child with something infectious.

In which case of course you aren't unreasonable to have asked for your child to be moved but again I'm surprised that at 10 yo you haven't discussed this with them in advance.

Children tend to assume seat movements are a punishment. An advance explanation by you could have avoided any concerns.

I understand that if you DC has a serious health condition you may not want them to be fully aware of any limitations, complications etc yet but again, they are 10 yo, soon to be at high school.

Won't they need a fuller understanding of the facts before they move to secondary in order to manage their own condition?

[catkind]

I don't think it's in a child's best interests for all the rest of the class to know their parents complained about something. Also by giving "mum complained" as the reason for the change, rather than the actual reason the change was requested (or no reason if that wasn't appropriate to share), the teacher is rather implying she doesn't agree with the reason and is just doing it to keep complaining mum happy. Is that really professional?

Loving the idea of teachers always telling the truth about their reasons for classroom changes. "Maisie is sitting at the front because she's been a horror all day and I want my eye on her. And Ben is with her because I'm pretty sure he's been bullying Frank, but I haven't managed to catch him at it yet so the best I can do is separate them."

[junebirthdaygirl]

Im a teacher and l absolutely hate when teachers do this. I complained to Principal about ds being dropped down to a lower band in maths and the Principal announced it in front of the whole class. Im completely with you op..lve seen it happen even in my own school and its not right.

[AStickInTime]

Catkind that would be so refreshing!

[user789653241]

june, principal may be unprofessional, but isn't complaining about move from higher to lower group totally undermining the teacher as well?
If that happened to my ds, I may ask why, but not complain.

[jamdonut]

I think if the teacher hadn't told the OPs child why they were being moved, wouldn't the child feel like they were in trouble for something?

Also, how does the OP know the classroom arrangements? Presumably their child told them? Presumably OP was a bit aghast when the child told them. If teacher told child, " your mum asked for you to be moved" child put two and two together and realised mum had ' complained'.

I think you are being a bit over sensitive, to be honest.

[CotswoldStrife]

Based on what has been said here I think you may have overreacted a little OP, but I can see that it must have been difficult for you to be put on the spot by your child if they came home embarassed and complaining about you complaining, if that makes sense!

It was probably a shock for your child to find out you had spoken to the school about them without their knowledge. I do think that's part of the issue here, you need to involve your child more in the discussions.

[Crumbs1]

I think your expectations are entirely unreasonable. Why had you not been honest with your child? Why would you want the teacher to be less than honest? At 10 there should be no going behind back, secret conversations with a teacher. The child has a right to know to help,them learn how to deal with issues as they get older.

[Hiddeninplainsight]

If the teacher told the child that a parent "complained" then I do agree, that is utterly inappropriate. That is possibly going to make a child feel awkward and I also agree, the child doesn't need to know. If the teacher said they were being moved because a parent requested that they were, then that provides a more neutral explanation. I'm not sure if I would want a child to know that a parent is having such an impact on a classroom decision. Personally, I do agree that such parental issues should be kept out of a classroom. Parents should be seen by kids to totally support school as much possible (within reason), so I am not sure it is helpful for a teacher to say that. I wouldn't be impressed by such behaviour. It seems petty on the part of the teacher (if they used the word complain).

[ragged]

OP hasn't mentioned anyone else knowing about the (dreaded nasty shameful embarrassing private sensitive delicate (??) ) complaint except her own child & the teacher who told her child. Didn't sound like a public announcement to the whole world.

[BigWeald]

Teacher changes some kind of arrangement (e.g. seating plan).
Child asks why (e.g. she's been moved).

Surely that doesn't mean the teacher needs to explain her reasons? Teacher is not accountable to the child for her decisions! 'Because I want to try something new' or 'Because I figured a bit of change would be good for all of us' or in fact 'Because I say so' should be perfectly sufficient.

No explaining of the reasons needed. As PP pointed out, teachers rarely explain their real reasons for moving children around. And it is even less appropriate to reveal that this has been done on instigation of a parent. But saying to the child that it has been done upon a 'complaint' of a parent beats even that.

Now in fact the child didn't even ask, so the teacher volunteered this explanation. Why?!

My reading of the situation is:

• Child has long term health related needs.
  
• School has been failing to adequately address those needs.
  
• Parent seeks solution, in cooperation with the school.
  
• School continues to fail the child.
  
• Parent progresses to a complaint.
  
• Finally school acts.
  
• The teacher feels defensive. Agreeing to a change following a complaint is tantamount to accepting that you have previously failed to adequately address the child's needs. That doesn't sit well. To preserve their own self-image they twist it around from: We're doing this change to address the child's need, to: We're doing this change because of a parent's complaint, even though in our opinion there is no 'need' (so we haven't been failing the child!).
  
• Teacher behaves vindictively and unprofessionally by volunteering info about this complaint to the child. Getting back at the parent via the child.
  

I for one get why OP was angry!

[Floggingmolly]

You're forgetting that op mentioned it concerned other children as well as hers... I don't think it's her own child with the health issues, I think she wants her child isolated from another child with something going on.
But she hasn't returned and her posts were as clear as mud so we'll never know.

[mugglebumthesecond]

Completely agree it is a parents responsibility to discuss these issue with their children as and when they see fit. The parent, not the teacher.


It's good for me to see all sides and it has helped me gain perspective but I guess I was angry that it wasn't the teachers place to tell the child I had complained. That is my responsibility. Yes it is entirely shameful. What if now my child decided she wouldn't share information from school In case I complained? What if the child's Other parent didn't know about the complaint for some reason (not the case here) and chi.d went home and said Mum had complained and it caused issues at Home.

So many reasons where teachers have to be discreet. Yes my anger was a definite over reaction, more from emotion about the whole situation. But the teacher was still wrong.

Oh and I think anyone who has even worked in a school would rather stick pins in their eyes than suffer the shame of asking your child doesn't sit next to another child for a reason that's not serious.

[harderandharder2breathe]

You could've prevented this by talking to your child yourself.

[senua]

What if now my child decided she wouldn't share information from school In case I complained?

This is the bit I don't understand. Surely any child would be pleased to know that their parent will advocate for them?
Why is it a bad thing that the child knows that Mum stood up for them.
However, you should have explained this (in age-appropriate terms) to DC yourself.

[mugglebumthesecond]

Some children do not want any fuss or apparent conflict. Therefore they would not complain whatever it was in case the parent made a fuss. Not my child but lots of children are like this.

Erm, what would talking to my child do to prevent the teacher from saying I've complained? My child is not responsible for her lack of discretion. The teacher said this in front of other children who may have gone home and revealed I had complained, therefore setting in motion a whole host of consequences.

[Floggingmolly]

Why would the other children reveal you had complained? What would the "whole host" of consequences be??
Either you've been very mean spirited and complained about something that shows you in a very bad light, or your child has some very serious issue that she's unaware of and you have so far failed to reveal to her .
All very odd. And vilifying the teacher won't help you sort it out.

[ZeroFuchsGiven]

Are you going to be honest with us about your complaint?

The way I read it your special snowflake has been sitting next to a child which she likes but you don't, hence why your child knew nothing about the complaint when the teacher moved her away from her friend.

Is that about right op?

[mugglebumthesecond]

Are you going to be honest with us about your complaint?

The way I read it your special snowflake has been sitting next to a child which she likes but you don't, hence why your child knew nothing about the complaint when the teacher moved her away from her friend.

Is that about right op?

Nope. But I'm assuming you're being funny. Hard to get the tone through text

As I said, it is not about a seating arrangement. Nothing at all.

It involves other children who heard the teacher. My child needs somethings in class and it wasn't being provided. The teacher gave the reason as because I complained, not because she needed it.

I'm sure those who are suggesting I don't have open communication with my child will also respect that children with health conditions occasionally need adult support or intervention and that cocky as a child may be about whether they need something or not, they do not always know best.

[Raaaaaah]

I'd be annoyed too. There should have been a discussion at the time as to what it was appropriate to tell the kids. It makes a much bigger deal out of a table move (which happen all the time) than necessary.

[Floggingmolly]

So, your child was disputing her need for this gadget or whatever, and the teacher told her she must use it as her Mum had complained that they weren't giving it to her?
On the face of it, your child is at fault for refusing to follow instructions, and you've added to the mix by apparently not explaining to her why she needs it...
What are the whole host of consequences that will arise from this?
If your thinking is as garbled as the way you've attempted to explain your dilemma, you may well be making a mountain out of a molehill.
It's hard to tell, because you seem to have changed the story mid stream.

[flyingpinkduckgirl]

Let's say .....
You complained that your dc wasn't allowed to sit near Paul.
Teacher moves dc away from Paul.
Dc asks "why have I been moved away from Paul?"

Teacher now has 3 options
A tell the truth (because your mum complained)
B lie (eg oh I'm moving all the groups around)
C refuse to explain her decision...... Which would you have liked her to do?

[mugglebumthesecond]

I haven't changed the story. I haven't said it was to do with where my child sits. I haven't even mentioned the gender or the child and people are making presumptions.

However, I have said its a Health problem ( not behavioural). Possibly something that should be discreet, managed by adults. Teacher hasn't been discreet. Teacher blamed fact my child needs item on my complaint, not said child needs it for wellbeing.

[ScarlettFreestone]

I'm glad the thread has helped you work through your feelings on this.

It sounds (forgive me if I've misinterpreted) that the reason you are angry and the reason you would have liked discretion from the teacher is that your child doesn't agree with the need for the change.

I agree that the child isn't always best placed to make this decision but I personally would deal with that by discussing the situation with my child and explains my reasoning and the actions I was going to take even if they didn't want me to.

[Floggingmolly]

But if your child needs it for "well being", aren't you extremely remiss not to have explained this to her?
And leave her arguing the toss with the teacher, which is the only way the other kids could have overheard in the first place. Why did the teacher need to force your child to use whatever it is in the first place, having to "blame" the fact that your child needs it on the fact that you'd complained?
Can you not see how absolutely mad that sounds??