Son struggling with reception class confidence

[Chrisandlauren]

Hey everybody. I've just joined as I was hoping for some advice regarding DS. He started reception this September and he has some character traits that are making it really difficult for him to settle at school.

Generally he's a wonderful, fun, confident and polite little boy, at home that is. But he suffers from a debilitating confidence issue around other people and groups. He has a big issue with clothing, at the start of term we had serious problems with school uniform, as DS didn't want anybody to see him in these new clothes and he begged to be allowed to wear his day to day clothes instead. He makes a lot of fuss even regarding which pants and socks to wear in the morning. Last week he freaked out as his Nan was round quite late and he didnt want her to see him in his pj's. New clothes are a big no no and its a real test of stamina to get him to feel comfortable wearing new stuff. Change seems to really unsettle him and the unknown puts him on edge, he doesnt like to receive gifts or be made centre of attention one little bit.

At school yesterday he was sent to time out (which involves sitting on a large turtle shaped seat thingy) because he didnt want to sing out numbers as a group in class. We were told he just sat there on the turtle and sobbed his little heart out. When we got him home he was in bits because he associates the turtle with the 'naughty children' and now believes he himself is naughty. Because of this he's now scared that anytime he is asked to sing or speak out in a group he will be sent to time out (which equates to being punished in his eyes)

My partner explained this to the teacher who replied by saying "its in the school rules that children need to participate and he needs to understand he is here to learn" This made my partner furious as he understands that and learns well on his own, he is just terrified of making himself heard or seen in front of groups of people. Its so frustrating as he's a really intelligent,eloquent little boy but due to his shyness he's coming across as stand offish and stubborn.

Now we are both really concerned as parents that these school disciplines will destroy what little confidence DS has to the point where his behaviour becomes unmanageable. Does anybody else have similar issues or experiences as any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you in advance

Re clothes - do you buy his clothes together? My dd was/is so particular that the only solution was buying her clothes together. It worked with her as she loves colours, designs, patterns so she loved choosing what she liked and we checked for hours in changing rooms if each item was comfortable enough. It may not work so much for a boy if he doesn't enjoy looking at clothes or colours so much but perhaps making it a special outing might help. I find handing my dd power to make decisions helps - obviously within reason - she gets to choose out of a few options so she feels in control. School uniform was a nightmare for a few days but once she realised everyone wore it she got a lot better so hopefully with time your ds will accept it and won't feel so self conscious.

I'm always wary of putting labels on kids but what you're describing sounds so similar I can't ignore it. DS has to go back over our plans whenever we go somewhere like he's writing an itinerary in his head. Especially when i'm taking him to places he's unsure about like school. With swimming I had to explain almost step by step on his first lesson back after the hat incident, so that he's reassured and comfortable. It's draining sometimes.

It's weird because looking back I can see a lot of those traits in myself, and from things my Mum's said about me as a child. Like your DD though, he's definitely a perfectionist, if he can't do something it really winds him up and even if he catches the slight hint that he's done something wrong you can see him welling up as he considers the consequences. I'll get the book so I can get a grasp of the problem then go to the school and have a word.

Fingers crossed we can get a handle on it, as DD is flourishing at school and I really want it to be enjoyable for DS too.

Just wanted to add your description of your son screamed highly sensitive child to me too. DD1 is also a HSC but in a less 'intense' way than your son. She ticked many of the boxes in the book. Have a look at the author's website
hsperson.com/

DD1 has just started at reception too. We told the teacher she's easily overwhelmed by crowds and noises and new situations. In her first week of school, I was told by the TA she was very quiet and just sit in a corner and not talk to anyway. We will be having our parent's evening next week and it'll be interesting to know how they think she's coping. I'm hoping with time, she'll get more used to the situation.

We do occasionally and I have noticed that items he picked himself, are the ones he will grab and chuck on on a daily basis. Whereas sometimes when me and my partner have gone out on a whim and bought stuff, DS will come home and almost seem ungrateful that you've bought him new clothes. 'I don't want to wear that' 'it's not really awesome' , 'But I like my own clothes' etc. He's also terrible with spur of the moment gifts from family etc. whereas on specific 'gift' days, such as birthdays and xmas, he loves as he is already aware of what will happen before the day.

He is very independent and always wants to do things for himself, at home it's really manageable and doesn't cause any real difficulties really. School really is a whole other issue at the moment.

@ HeadDreamer Thank you I will, hopefully both yours and my kids will deal with it better as they get older

The book says that often an HSC will have a highly sensitive parent and within the book there is a questionaire for parents to check if that too are highly sensitive. I jokingly took it and couldn't believe how many boxes I ticked and certain things I'd never admit to anyone that I do were listed. So I found out that I too am HS and sounds like you are too. I agree about labels, but in this case it just helps explain things that you might otherwise try to fix or change but that cannot in themselves be altered but you and your child learning coping strategies will help so much. I don't tell anyone else that she is HSC as I know they'll think I'm just excusing any 'bad' behaviour or just being a precious parent but it helps me just understand why she does certain things. It's not a disorder - the book regularly emphasises this - but a personality trait like many others we all have. The shame from punishment is a big issue for these kids and it sounds very important that the teacher understands this. He is unlikely to be naughty as such but be perceived as though he is while in reality his behaviour is because he cannot cope with something that for other kids wouldn't be an issue. Sounds like he needs his teacher to show him that she believes he is a good boy and give him some responsibility/ a little job to show that she trusts and appreciates him.

I'd be looking at something like social phobia or selective mutism as well. It might be worth talking through the issues with the GP or HV to see what they think.

You might also need a chat with the teacher about his issues and see whether you can come up with a better strategy together.

Is she an experienced reception teacher?

It may just be 'normal shyness', but on the other hand it could be Selective Mutism, as Rafals says.

I give you a link for SM, and there are many more if you Google it:

www.smira.org.uk/

I think it was appalling behaviour of the teacher. Yes, encourage children to join it but sending a child to time out for not singing is bizarre, and I can't imagine any Reception teacher I know doing something like that - especially to a shy child in the first term at school.

I don't think I would have done it, but it's difficult to say without knowing the exact circumstances. I don't really see what's to be gained by excluding him from the group for not joining in.

Most of the quieter children will get there with a bit of encouragement and positive reinforcement.

Omg! They are disciplining a 4 year old because he is quiet/shy. Totally crazy. The teacher needs to work on slowly building up his confidence to partake/speak up. This may involve the teacher simply giving him space/time to adjust. What she is doing is destructive and inappropriate. I'd speak to the head

He sounds like a typical highly sensitive child. There's a great book about the topic by Elaine Arun.

I think some of the early replies you got were a bit harsh. It is hard to have a very shy child and I expect this trait gets judged more negatively in a boy than a girl.

My DD is very shy. She doesn't have the clothes thing but she is painfully shy and terrified of new experiences. She doesn't like hugs from people outside close family.

I expect she would sing in a group if she thought no one could hear but never, ever on her own. She never put her hand up or answered the teachers questions in a group situation although she might 1:1.

She is fussy about food and very reluctant to try new things. She's not physically brave and used to be scared of climbing high. She hated soft play. Funnily enough she did get on well at small group swimming lessons.

Worst of all she will often ignore people who say hello to her (children or adults) or fail to greet people. It comes across rude and I do try to correct it but really it's because she is so painfully shy.

She loves to please teachers and grown ups generally and apart from these issues she's very easy to parent. Being disciplined causes her to burst into tears and sob. She is way harder on herself than I could ever be to her.

I would be upset too if she was sent to a naughty corner for being too shy to join in. I can't see how that is ever going to help an anxious, frightened child to be confident to try. Especially harsh in the first half term of reception!

Fortunately DDs teachers have all been understanding and gently encouraged her rather than punishing. It does mean she is usually underestimated as she doesn't talk in big groups but she shows what she knows through writing now.

I think you are right to take this up with the teacher. Maybe she mistook his anxiety for defiance. I hope she is able to get to know him and find better ways of handling it.

I for one wasn't harshly judging a child for being shy. Just pointing out that from what op describes, it's perfectly possible he doesn't come across as typically very shy, just a bit defiant. Hence the teacher wasn't intentionally punishing him for being shy if it came across as refusing to join in. Which means discussing it with the teacher is the best course, rather than assuming she knew he's shy and punished him for it anyway.

Although as an aside to the main point, I don't buy into a blanket theory that shy children feel punishment more deeply than others. They're all different in how they react. Not to mention some children express anxiety by becoming louder and more boisterous, thus just as worried as a child who expresses it through withdrawal, but more likely to be punished for it. Generalising feelings for children in general based on personality is rarely constructive or accurate.

Please get him some professional help for his anxiety starting with gp and the SEN. I had similar fears ar school and they don't just go away. only get worse. In my 30 now it is still impacting my life significantly because i didn't get any help as a child.

Agree typical highly sensitive child. Hope you find the book useful.

Also opposite of worry Laurence Cohen