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Preteens

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Original poster

Bullying and penis woes

27 replies

ForLimeStork · 03/12/2024 17:01

Name changed for this. Bit of a long one so I apolgise in advance.

My son started year 7 last september and is currently 11. For the most part, it has been a peaceful transition going from primary to a big secondary school although he is more of an introvert and likes to keep to himself. DS does have a nice small group off friends most of which are from primary school. In November, he came to me upset that someone had made fun of him in the PE changing rooms whilst he was getting changed, mainly making a joke about his willy, pointing out a slight difference. DS told me he tried to ignore him and laugh it off but he was extremely embarrassed and it has been bothering him since. I immediately went to the school via his support teacher through SEN (he has autism, formerly called aspergers) and it was raised as a welfare issue. The boy had been spoken to by the school and all was sorted as far as the comments went which I was satisfied with. However, since then my son has become self concious about his body, I guess for outsiders it may seem silly as a friend I have told said he just needs to get over it, but he is a sensitive soul and with his autism and things, I fully understand why he feels upset and I worry it will snowball into a body full-blown dysmorphia the older he gets.

I don’t know how best to handle his feelings, there’s no male figure in my family who I would trust to do a good job talking to him so it’s up to me which I’m ok with but also clueless. Maybe a counsellour? Although I don’t have tons of money for one and I don’t know if that would be wise or not. Thoughts? Thank you for reading

OP posts:
ooprlgd · 03/12/2024 17:03

How did anyone see his penis getting changed? Surely pants are kept on?

Original poster
ForLimeStork · 03/12/2024 17:05

ooprlgd · 03/12/2024 17:03

How did anyone see his penis getting changed? Surely pants are kept on?

Shower after PE

OP posts:
ooprlgd · 03/12/2024 17:07

I don't know any secondary schools around here that allow children to shower after PE. Didn't happen in my school either.

Nchanged89 · 03/12/2024 17:12

Secondary schools don't shower after PE anymore...

Original poster
ForLimeStork · 03/12/2024 17:13

Well we’re in Scotland and his have them, although I don’t think it’s mandatory

OP posts:
Mugler · 03/12/2024 17:16

ooprlgd · 03/12/2024 17:07

I don't know any secondary schools around here that allow children to shower after PE. Didn't happen in my school either.

Scotland has schools that shower after PE.

BoatToTheMoat · 03/12/2024 17:24

My kids’ school has showers in the changing rooms and we’re in the North of England.

GildedRage · 03/12/2024 17:33

maybe there are books on the subject?
meanwhile i would simply say everyone is different, ears toes and penis's as well, and that it's never nice to comment on someone's body.
i would also start preparing him for the changes of puberty.

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/12/2024 17:47

Have you spoken with the school about what’s on their PSHE (or whatever the current equivalent is) curriculum and when this will begin covering bodies and puberty and that we all develop at our own pace and it’s normal for our private parts to be different? I recall this being a year 7/8 topic, and there may be elements that could be incorporated earlier if teachers know it’s already becoming a worry for some students. Is there a teacher in charge of pastoral who might be able to suggest something?

I think counselling is a bit of a sledgehammer/ walnut intervention at this point: it’s normal for young people approaching puberty to have concerns and feel self conscious about their bodies, and dedicated counselling might give DS the impression that he’s unusual and his worries are much bigger than they really are.

I know that artist Jamie McCartney has attempted to do something akin to the famous “Great Wall of Vagina” with penises - but I’m not sure how age appropriate it is.

InfoSecInTheCity · 03/12/2024 17:47

I think I'd probably try to make him aware of how different every penis is, that there is a big range of 'normal'. Unfortunately it's an age where kids will glom onto any minor difference as an opportunity to take the mick and if they see that they get a reaction will keep on going till it goes badly.

The less he responds the quicker they will bore of it.

DazedAndConfused321 · 03/12/2024 18:11

As usual, posters forgetting England isn't the only country in the world.

Does he have support in school- a TA or assistant to help him in lessons for example? He needs his confidence boosted in general, it could've been any other comment that would have sent him feeling self-conscious.

Saschka · 03/12/2024 18:14

OP, in general terms what was the difference? Colour, size, shape etc? I’m wondering if we can find some resources for him.

Failing that, GP would probably be more than happy to reassure him it looks normal. As a doctor I have seen innumerable penises, far more than I could ever have wished to, and honestly they all look weird in some way. And the vast majority are all still “normal”. Highly unlikely that any future partner will point or laugh.

Sadsadworld · 03/12/2024 18:19

I wonder if there is a male equivalent of that woman who took pictures of 100 women's vulvas of all different appearances?

pjani · 03/12/2024 18:19

I was also thinking of that huge wall of vulvas and thinking there must be a penis equivalent. I think kids genuinely don’t know the perfectly normal variation out there. If you’re not a doctor like the PP why would you?

Actually seeing large numbers of very different body parts might help. However, it might have ti wait a few years (and I’m sure you’d rather dad did it) as I’m sure they are all adult penises.

Original poster
ForLimeStork · 03/12/2024 18:22

GildedRage · 03/12/2024 17:33

maybe there are books on the subject?
meanwhile i would simply say everyone is different, ears toes and penis's as well, and that it's never nice to comment on someone's body.
i would also start preparing him for the changes of puberty.

That’s a good idea, he enjoys reading sci fi so probably books are the best medium for him to get this sort of information and it’ll be accurate. No idea where to look but I’ll check amazon and ask around on an autism group chat. Could be something we go through or he just reads I’m not sure

OP posts:
Original poster
ForLimeStork · 03/12/2024 18:24

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/12/2024 17:47

Have you spoken with the school about what’s on their PSHE (or whatever the current equivalent is) curriculum and when this will begin covering bodies and puberty and that we all develop at our own pace and it’s normal for our private parts to be different? I recall this being a year 7/8 topic, and there may be elements that could be incorporated earlier if teachers know it’s already becoming a worry for some students. Is there a teacher in charge of pastoral who might be able to suggest something?

I think counselling is a bit of a sledgehammer/ walnut intervention at this point: it’s normal for young people approaching puberty to have concerns and feel self conscious about their bodies, and dedicated counselling might give DS the impression that he’s unusual and his worries are much bigger than they really are.

I know that artist Jamie McCartney has attempted to do something akin to the famous “Great Wall of Vagina” with penises - but I’m not sure how age appropriate it is.

Edited

Thank you, I’ll ask his learning support teacher. I would have assumed some sort of sex ed in biology in year 7 but I haven’t received an email mentioning it yet. Perhaps you’re right regarding counselling too, it might be too extreme of an approach. I do tend to worry a lot especially when it comes to his welfare, and that’s certainly a me problem

OP posts:
Original poster
ForLimeStork · 03/12/2024 18:27

DazedAndConfused321 · 03/12/2024 18:11

As usual, posters forgetting England isn't the only country in the world.

Does he have support in school- a TA or assistant to help him in lessons for example? He needs his confidence boosted in general, it could've been any other comment that would have sent him feeling self-conscious.

Edited

He does yes it’s part of his plan, he is perfectly capable with the academic side it’s more social things he can struggle with and that’s what they tend to deal with with him. Yeah it could have been anything, just made extra worse it’s something generally considered private and personal

OP posts:
Original poster
ForLimeStork · 03/12/2024 18:30

I have heard about the 100 vulvas and seen it myself, it’s a really good resource for those with insecurities (like myself). I don’t know if there is a penis version that would be age-appropriate and strictly practical but It could be a good idea

OP posts:
HellofromJohnCraven · 03/12/2024 18:50

It's an example of raising a boy as a single Mum is really difficult! I empathise hugely. I think many boys would be upset in the circumstances.
I think pp talking about all body parts being different is a good start.

Original poster
ForLimeStork · 03/12/2024 18:56

HellofromJohnCraven · 03/12/2024 18:50

It's an example of raising a boy as a single Mum is really difficult! I empathise hugely. I think many boys would be upset in the circumstances.
I think pp talking about all body parts being different is a good start.

Are you in a similar situation?

OP posts:
selffellatingouroborosofhate · 03/12/2024 19:03

Here is the Great Wall Of Cocks, photographed by the same lady who did the Great Wall Of Vagina. https://metro.co.uk/2017/05/31/what-laura-dodsworth-learned-about-masculinity-from-photographing-100-penises-6674591/

SlightlyJaded · 03/12/2024 19:10

And the Laura Dodsworth project, 'Manhood '(she is author / photographer of 100 Vainas)

https://metro.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/100men-e1496229309433.jpg?quality=80&strip=all

*Caution: contains lots of pictures of penises!

Perhaps helpful for your son to see the many MANY shapes and sizes

https://metro.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/100men-e1496229309433.jpg?quality=80&strip=all

SlightlyJaded · 03/12/2024 19:11

Ah cross post. same link as @selffellatingouroborosofhate

missymousey · 03/12/2024 19:13

There's a really good usborne book called "what's happening to me?" which has drawings of widely varying penises (among other useful and reassuring information about how your body changes).

Longma · 03/12/2024 19:31

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