Advice without judgement please =(

[Nikkz]

Hi guys.
It's been a while since I have been on here, but I find I need support without the worry of judgement. All of my family and friends have children younger than mine so they cannot relate.

I have a 12-year-old girl and she is in year 8. I have spoke to her many times about the rules whilst on her phone. One of my main rules is that she cannot join group chats, after a bully's cousin got her number last year and was contacting her, she deleted the message and broke my trust, she ended up self harming due to bullying and hiding it from me and her dad (still married and parenting together on a day-to-day basis).

She has a CAHMS assessment in about 2 weeks which we will be attending regarding the above issue.

Yesterday she kept having an attitude with me and seemed 'off', so I decided to check her phone a bit earlier than normal (I normally check weekly and rules are she cannot delete messages). I found a group chat with over 430 people in that her friend had added her into and messages from numbers not saved in her phone and not in the UK. These people messaging her were stating they were 13-15 with names like 'Jim' etc, I found they were from Africa and Nigeria and following the email address of one shows a 50 something year old man who was trying to get her to send photos (thank God she hadn't sent any photos or sensitive information). I reported and blocked these people and have cancelled her contract and taken her phone.

Part of me is so angry with her that she broke my trust again and didn't listen and part of me is worried she is going to self harm again. I have told her she cannot travel to school with her friends this week, me or her dad will take and collect her or she can travel with her brother as he has a phone so I know she will be safe. But my question is.

Where would you go from here? what punishment(s) would you impose and how would you move forward trying to build trust and teach responsibility?.

Sorry for the long thread, I am just so worried and angry, i'm dissapointed and don't want to push these feelings onto her but I am also frustrated as I have warned her of the dangers and set out clear rules, explaining why these rules were in place and the consequences and dangers of ignoring them but it has apparently fell on death ears.

Luckily I check the phone 1-2 times a week but I feel like a terrible mother and don't know how to move forward.
Nikkz x

Was she actually replying to the messages? Or just recieving them?

Replying

Thanks I see where your coming from now thanks for the perspective I've spoke to her friends mom they are going to travel together

have you considered swapping out her smart phone for a basic no frills one, where all she can do is ring and text?

when my girls were 11/12 they got their first phone, but it did simply as above.. the smart phones did not come until they were more closer to 16!

youre doing all you can - getting her help and removing the phone. I also have a friend who has not had a great experience with CAMHS and had a better one with the GP which seemed to de escalate it (just in reference to what is said above) - but you should do what you think as you know your child best and get her help where you can.

have you considered not giving her back a smart phone? - not as a punishment at all - but because you already feel (and she has shown) she is not able to protect herself from the dangers that come with unfettered internet and social media access. She doesn’t need punishing for it - others broke her trust - it’s them that should be punished though that won’t happen - she is the innocent here, but it is clear this could happen again.

Just as an example - None of my four kids have smart phones - the oldest is 15 and it doesn’t bother him at all. He is still ‘cool’, has loads of friends and they actually do stuff together, climbing, biking, watching movies. He doesn’t care if he isn’t sent the latest gif. I have a 12 year old daughter and I wouldn’t dream of giving the world of social media access to her at all times. My kids have dumb phones for safety and to call me and can call/ text their friends if needed but they are not missing out on anything. Kids don’t need to spend their whole lives looking at a screen and risk inviting in bad characters. My kids have never once asked for social media access or a smart phone and two of their friends have actually given theirs up voluntarily because they could see what life was like without it and were themselves worried about how much time they spent on Snapchat and TikTok. They were worried! At 14! And had to regulate themselves - it was the parents that were worried they would be picked on if they didn’t have a phone (hasn’t happened). They also frequently got sent spam, saw clips they didn’t want to and got uninvited messages from people they didn’t know. One of the lads was really upset about something graphic he was sent and he is a 6ft extremely confident teenage boy so I can only imagine how it must be to deal with this stuff as a 12 year old.

Expecting kids to self regulate social media use and who contacts them on it when most adults can’t manage to do that is not giving them independence and the ability to deal with technology risk - it is giving them no choice but to become reliant on something that can damage their mental health at an age when they can’t stop it. A kid should be safe in their home from bullies and predators.

This is not to judge at all - I realise it is a minority opinion - but it just feels like everyone thinks it is inevitable for kids to have access to social media from year 6 onwards and it really isn’t unless parents enable it. There is a perfectly valid option to not give them it.. it has the extra advantage that they spend their evenings talking to me and their siblings so when there is a problem it gets noticed more easily. They have all the privacy they want to talk to their friends at and outside school - but that’s what it is - talking to actual friends - and I don’t need to police this. It would give you a break from worrying about policing/privacy etc..

OP as you can see from this thread you will get wildly differing advice.

I'd recommend also posting on the Teenager board for a perspective from parents who might have seen how this has played out during teen years?

12 year olds vary. A lot. Some will still be a year or more away from full on puberty. Others will have hit puberty at 10.
This is one of the many reasons it's so difficult to recommend one approach over another.

The only advice I'll offer is in my experience of DD 12 she is streets ahead of us on getting around phone restrictions (and dp is tech savvy). She does have restrictions but frankly that was by reaching a compromise on parameters.

Focus on trying to keep open, honest communication - even if you aren't going to like what they say.