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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Original poster

What to do with my 11 year old

49 replies

Crystaly · 19/12/2022 09:20

I have had a weekend from hell with my 11-year-old. I don’t know what to do with him. The level of rudeness and disrespect has astounded me. He is my eldest so first time dealing with pre teen issues but I am feeling very down.

yesterday morning we were travelling to see Santa for his little sister and we were talking about Santa lists. He said he wanted a treadmill and both me and his dad said that wouldn’t be possible this close to Christmas. We have already bought his Christmas and we were asking about the lists so his little sister knew what to ask Santa for. Not necessarily for him to start adding new things on.

he then asked for an electric Scooter. I said That would also just lie in a garage and actually it was illegal to drive so again would not be possible.

He then started throwing a tantrum saying that we were telling him what he could and couldn’t ask for. He was screaming and shouting and I then just told him to ask Santa for whatever he wanted but it wasn’t guaranteed.

by this stage he was so far gone he was crying and crying. We walked into see Santa and he was crying and screaming all you do is shout at me. It was really embarrassing as the place was packed with families.

he then left and refused to come in and sat in the car.

when we got home he announced he was going out with friends. I said no, your behaviour today means you will be in for the rest of the week.

a screaming tantrum followed. He was slamming doors banging his feet. He then said he was running away. His little sister was so upset but of course he returned after 10 minutes.

when he’s upset like that he says he’s going to kill himself/jump off a bridge etc.

I am at my wits end. It’s a week to Christmas and we have spoiled him as usual with gifts. I feel like not giving him a thing but of course won’t do that.

he has his phone removed for the foreseeable future and grounded for the week.

even this morning getting ready for school - he refuses to wake up, watches tv whilst eating breakfast and won’t go up to get ready until the finial minute. I told him to tidy his room - his answer “ nah I need to get ready”.

OP posts:

Original poster

Crystaly · 19/12/2022 14:25

Singleandproud · 19/12/2022 14:20

@Crystaly at school students often have a time out card to remove themselves and self regulate. The physical banging around sounds like he needed to get rid of energy and tension. Next time he announces he is going out stick your shoes on and go with him if it's dark and wet (if someone else is there for your daughter) walk in silence until he is ready to open up. Take a football and kick it around a dark park. You'll dry off soon enough when you get home and gives him an exit.

He didn’t mean he was just going out to walk. He had texted friends to hang out at a park and was going to meet them.

OP posts:

2bazookas · 19/12/2022 14:32

He's a spoiled brat.

You are in charge of the TV, (on/off; what he watches and when) his bedtimes, family finances and family outings. You also control his social life and phone .

Tantrums , screaming and vile behaviour should not be rewarded with presents and treats.

Lovetotravel123 · 19/12/2022 14:42

Each family is different, but I personally would also avoid putting a TV in his room because it is likely to cause more problems for you if he starts watching/ playing on it too much. It sounds great that he is sporty enough to want a treadmill. Could you agree a more realistic alternative that achieves the same goal? For example, membership to Junior gym or some On trainers and joining a local running club? The exercise might help him to channel the aggression into something healthy and get the endorphins going. Just ideas, but maybe they could help to turn a negative into a positive.

vvvvb · 19/12/2022 14:49

I would also bear in mind that he is 11 now and will get bigger and stronger than you soon.

So I would try to work out a way to encourage him to talk to you and you actually listen to him now, and visa versa rather than him having "temper tantrums" as a way to get a reaction from you

LettestIn · 19/12/2022 14:57

OP, is your boy in year 6 or 7? I am guessing year 7 as year 6 would be very unusual and unhealthy for his friends to kiss girls (WTH?). Iy's still highly unusual in years 7 and 8 to be having a physical relationship albeit not sexual.

Is he perhaps wistful that his sister still gets to enjoy all the Christmas magic and he gets told Christmas is 'sorted'?

I agree that letting him watch TV and play games in his rooms is too soon, w hat's there to aspire to, when he's 12,13,14, etc?

11 is so young still, a child, the teenage years are around the cornet, he needs to learn to feel grounded now, otherwise you will have your work cut out.

LettestIn · 19/12/2022 14:58

Ridiculous typos 😁

Nannydoodles · 19/12/2022 15:08

He does sound a spoiled brat to be honest!
To be throwing tantrums when out and about at 11 years old just isn’t acceptable in my opinion.
You say he won’t help around the house at all, but why not? Mine did little jobs to help from around 5, even if it’s only clearing the table or laying up, surely it’s all part of being a family?
He sounds very privileged which if you are comfortable off is fine but it doesn’t sound like it’s helping him to become a nice person.
He also shouldn’t just go out without asking when it’s dark, totally unacceptable- imagine how you’d feel if he didn’t come home and you weren’t sure where he was? He needs boundaries asap before he gets a few years older and it becomes even more difficult to help him.
If I was you I think I would cut back on the gifts and TV and spend more actual time with him, playing games, talking, listening to him.
A TV in his room will only alienate him more from the family when it sounds like he needs to feel more part of it.

Original poster

Crystaly · 19/12/2022 15:14

Thanks all. A lot to think about and helping me lots.

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SUBisYodrethwhenLarping · 19/12/2022 15:33

Is he year 6 or 7?

Original poster

Crystaly · 19/12/2022 15:45

It is Scotland. primary 7.

sigh. He just came home and told me he was sent to the head teachers office with two other boys as they were both misbehaving and he was sent along with them.

I emailed the head teacher as he is down playing it and said the head teacher said the other teacher “can be like that sometimes” as in she’s unreasonable sometimes.

I want to know the full story

OP posts:

Original poster

Crystaly · 19/12/2022 15:46

He then proceeds to tell me that “everyone” is getting an electric scooter.

OP posts:

Nannydoodles · 19/12/2022 16:06

“Everyone “ isn’t! Just tell him he’s not anyway.
Good luck and stay strong. He will thank you one day because he will end up a better person.

Original poster

Crystaly · 19/12/2022 16:14

Head teacher replied. He was misbehaving during the younger Childrens nativity show. He was sent to office with two other boys although appeared confused as to why he was there….

his sisters nativity show. How sad.

usually this would result in a consequence but what do I do when he already had every consequence going…..

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NuffSaidSam · 19/12/2022 16:14

Crystaly · 19/12/2022 15:46

He then proceeds to tell me that “everyone” is getting an electric scooter.

Of course they're not, but it can feel like that as a teenager/pre-teen. I think almost every single person probably said this at some point as a child/teen. It's not indicative of bad behaviour/being spoilt.

NuffSaidSam · 19/12/2022 16:20

Crystaly · 19/12/2022 16:14

Head teacher replied. He was misbehaving during the younger Childrens nativity show. He was sent to office with two other boys although appeared confused as to why he was there….

his sisters nativity show. How sad.

usually this would result in a consequence but what do I do when he already had every consequence going…..

This is the trouble with too many consequences.

For this situation, it happened at school, it was dealt with at school. No need for you to further punish him.

You can thank him for telling you and being honest (to a point!). Then ask why he was messing around and talk to him calmly about why he shouldn't have been messing around.

Original poster

Crystaly · 19/12/2022 16:21

thanks - it is honestly depressing me. I am so overwhelmed and out of my depth. Not sure where this behaviour has suddenly came from. He’s always been soo lovely.

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vvvvb · 19/12/2022 16:24

I think this holiday DS and you both all need to talk and listen to each other

He is "acting out' so think giving him your time is very important and really listen to him and what he is actually saying (between the lines iyswim)

Even if it doing something together like make a cake or a walk something or anything when his sister isn't around to distract you from what he is saying so you can listen to him

NuffSaidSam · 19/12/2022 16:24

Crystaly · 19/12/2022 16:21

thanks - it is honestly depressing me. I am so overwhelmed and out of my depth. Not sure where this behaviour has suddenly came from. He’s always been soo lovely.

I think you maybe just need to calm down a little bit. He was a little bit silly during a probably quite boring part of the school day....he hasn't been caught dealing drugs! Calm chat, move on. You're going to struggle down the line if you make every misdemeanor into a massive issue.

Original poster

Crystaly · 19/12/2022 16:28

LOL appreciate that. My DH said the same. I think it’s just the accumulation of Santa list tantrum then head teachers office. It has definitely set me off in terms of thinking he is on the road to disaster when it’s probably not the case.

OP posts:

Afterfire · 19/12/2022 16:33

I have a son the same age. I think you sound quite hard on him. Not materially but emotionally. With the list thing I would have just half laughed and said oh I don’t think Santa can change what he’s bringing at this point but let’s see and then indulged him in chatting about the treadmill etc…. but then I admit all children behave differently so this may have set your son off anyway. I think the whole escalation to the point he was crying and saying you’re shouting at him and you telling him to shut up shows a complete lack of control from all of you. I’m not entirely sure how you come back from that at the time but I think generally behaviour comes in traffic lights so you’re looking to de escalate when things are an Amber, not when they’re at red. That’s too late.

I think he seems to have an insane amount of freedom. There is no way my son would just announce he’s going out 😳 I mean to be fair my son doesn’t go out alone full stop - social stuff we drop him off and pick him up, but we live rurally so that may be more about where we live. I can’t imagine an 11 year old just taking themselves off and out when they like. 😳

And I absolutely wouldn’t be letting him have a TV in his room. You want / need to bring him back in the folds of the family, you don’t want him isolating himself.

iknowimcoming · 19/12/2022 16:49

You've already had lots of good advice but I just wanted to ask what the age gap is between ds and your Dd? Maybe there's some jealousy creeping in which is being exacerbated by her 'believing'? Maybe he feels Christmas is more 'special' for her than him this year and he's feeling left out? And the dreaded end of term tiredness (which is always worse this term than any other ime) probably isn't helping.

Also RETURN THE TV!! Seriously! Take it back before Christmas! If you don't you'll cave in and give it to him and regret it later. It would be different if it was his most longed for gift but he hasn't even asked for one, so it would absolutely be spoiling him to give it to him, good luck

highlandslife · 19/12/2022 20:50

Have you read "The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read" by Philippa Perry? I think it could really help you in terms of how to manage your relationship with him and manage the de-escalation.

Original poster

Crystaly · 19/12/2022 22:48

highlandslife · 19/12/2022 20:50

Have you read "The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read" by Philippa Perry? I think it could really help you in terms of how to manage your relationship with him and manage the de-escalation.

I haven’t but I will. Thank you.

OP posts:

JazbayGrapes · 23/12/2022 10:19

Sounds like someone who's behaviour was left unchecked for way too long. He's way too old to act like this.

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