Year 8: FOMO and friendships in school

[TowlesAmory]

I am sure I am not the only parent experiencing this and would love to hear from parents on this forum.
I have a Year 8 daughter going to a central London school. She is doing well in school and is well regarded by her teachers.

I think she is well liked by girls in her year (or at least not disliked). She has struggled to become part of a group, which has meant that often she is sitting alone as it’s a class of odd number of girls. She has also not been invited to birthdays or other social events by her peer group; she has friends part of other peer groups who have gone out. She feels bad, and it’s not ideal, but that’s life.

But all of this means that, some Sunday evenings, she is in tears about the week at school. She is sad that if she is sometimes sat at a table by herself, no one else joins her. I think a lot of it is just bad luck and not deliberate. I hope I am right.

Should add that she has not refused to go to school and gets on with stuff. She even has fun in school but says that she feels alone.

I don’t know if her issues are just a function of age and this is partly her putting a lot of pressure on herself: how she is perceived by others/popular girls, fear of being ‘judged’ by the popular group, worrying about being in the ‘right’ crowd, not being ‘weird’, etc. I make it a point to encourage her and reassure her that things will get better. Anything else I can be doing?

Another issue is that she feels ‘invisible’. This weekend, she was upset as some girls she thought were friends were out together and posted some photos. She was hurt that she wasn’t invited. I suggested again that it may not have been deliberate. Just an oversight as they are in different forms. Not disliked by anyone but not noticed and not actively included. She says she puts her hand up in class, has volunteered for and spoken in school assemblies, is in clubs, etc. So, she seems to be doing everything she can do.

Any tips on how she can be less invisible to her class despite all of this? If you have daughters in Year 8, could you ask them what they think might be going on?

Or does she just have massive FOMO and no matter what is happening, she will be looking over her shoulder and feeling sorry for herself? If the latter, any wise words that won’t result in a “OMG you don’t understand anything” response?!
Thank you for reading!

This. It shouldn't be hard work. I also agree to ask one girl out at a time rather than a group. Maybe to hang around a shopping centre like Westfield? That's usually fun for girls that age

Thank you all - thank you very much for reading and responding.

I hope my daughter finds her tribe or at least makes her peace with the way things are so she can enjoy school.

She actually asked a friend to hangout over the weekend. The friend said yes but had to cancel due to family commitments (last minute and my daughter was upset) but hopefully they will meet next weekend.

She was alone at lunch. She goes to the library. She claims she doesn’t know where everyone else is at lunch! Some are at clubs others are doing I don’t know what. But I leave her to it.

She was also upset over the weekend about her old best friend (they had a falling out - not the first time), who was making a big song and dance about her new best friend. It made my daughter sad that this girl was so much nicer to this new girl than she ever was with my daughter. Whilst I want to give mine the benefit of all the doubt, and I feel for her hurt and loneliness, who knows if she is a difficult friend or she is too sensitive. She needs to figure that out and all that I can do is listen and be there for her. That’s what I am doing. But it does wear me out!

I am very grateful to all of you for sharing your experiences. It is reassuring to know that my daughter and I are not alone in this!

That's so hard 😟I don't think it's anything your daughter is doing. Girls that age can be totally insensitive and very bitchy. What your daughter's primary friend did is very typical of the usual drama that goes on at this age. It's definitely a positive one of the girls agreed to meet up. It's a shame she cancelled, but your daughter should reschedule. Last minute cancellations happen. Focusing on friendships outside of school helps with confidence during school. Any extra activities she could take up?

Thank you XelaM

My daughter has a close friend from primary. She also does a sport on the weekends and has friends in that group. But given she spends most of the week in school - 8am-4pm - school friendships remain a priority for her, or rather, she can’t get away from school stuff.

Hi Towles, how is your dd doing now? Hope all has settled down and that she has a good group. My daughter (year 8) is going through a similar experience…she has a group but is excluded at times and feels invisible…any wise words? Find myself wondering if all going ok/if she’s feeling isolated while I’m at work! Toddlers were so much easier…now there’s so little you can do to influence their days! At least it’s a long weekend…

Hope your daughter is getting on better now OP. Zombie my Y8DD sounds very similar. In friendship group of 5. The others seem to pair off a lot and she always the one left out. A couple of them have started spending lunchtimes whispering together so she can't engage. I dread the lunchtime text messages from the toilets saying she doesn't like it and wants to come home.

Some things that have helped a bit for us - lunchtime clubs so she is engaged in something and not sitting alone. Also reconnecting with a friend from primary who went to another school. They message often and she sometimes comes over at weekends. Finally DD joined a drama club with students from all different schools and there are girls there who are friendly to her. She's still not happy at school but at least she knows she does have friends, so it's not about her.

Hi Zombie, she is doing better. More good days than bad, but she tells me that’s because she is getting better at navigating the lack of friends. She is focussing on her school work and tries to make sure she has something (club, singing lesson) at lunch to avoid being alone. Why do schools give so much unstructured free time?? I don’t remember this from my school days (not U.K.). She still has massive FOMO and still struggles with girls in her form (some of the girls are very rude and plain unkind). She is a fun loving kid at heart, but the girls she wants to have fun with don’t see her as one of them. It’s probably not active exclusion, but it upsets her all the same. It’s just life, right? That what we tell our kids. She just needs to be patient and hopefully she will find her group or just the one or two friends and I hope that will be enough for her! It’s hard though with the constant WhatsApp updates and other social media (she only has WhatsApp).

Thanks both for your replies. Yes, completely get everything you’re saying! It’s that subtle (or not so subtle) turning away, whispering, walking just that bit faster to leave my dd behind. I hope that maturity improves in time for year 9! Are your dds at all girls schools?

Hi OP, I have daughters and know it's tough when they have friendship issues or feel left out! I'd much rather have these issues and feelings myself than watch them be miserable. 😒

You say that your dd has experienced racism, has this also happened at school? Is the school diverse or does she stand out in any way due to her cultural background? Is it worth thinking about changing schools at all ?

Focusing on doing the best she can in school is a good idea but as a teenager your peer group is the most important thing in your life, or so it can feel. If changing schools isn't an option, hopefully changing sets in year 9 and then choosing GCSE subjects will mix things up a bit and new opportunities for friendships might open up. If you can afford it, could she speak to a therapist to help her with feeling very sensitive about things? Could she get any cool hobbies out of school that could give her some 'street cred'? Rock climbing, kick boxing, Krav Maga, or joining the schools team sports (or out of school, e.g. local netball or football clubs), would this be possible for her?

Phones and social media make things so much worse not just because she sees when everyone else is meeting up (that feeling is awful!!!!) but because she isn't posting anything of herself socialising and having fun either so she gets ignored, it's a bit of a viscous circle.

@TowlesAmory hello - I was just hunting to see if anyone had posted about year 8 friendship concerns, and I came across your post. There is a lot of overlap with what my year 8 daughter is experiencing at the moment. It’s all so tough - and new territory as she was always surrounded by good friends at primary school. As time has moved on a bit since you last posted, I wondered if things have improved for your daughter (I do hope so), and whether you have any advice in terms of what helped etc? Thanks!

Yes and no. She has made some lovely friends. But they also have other friends. She still feels a bit left out of some of those groups and their activities (sleepovers, hanging out together on weekends, party invites), but she seems to be ok with it now. She seems to realise it’s not her, it’s just that they prefer the other friends or see more in common with the other friends. I still sometimes feel a bit angry or hurt on her behalf, but she seems ok. So I try not to get overworked about it. She is doing very well in school , so that’s a good thing. I think I may have mentioned this before, but my response to a lot of this has been to focus on school work and minimise school friendships. Because school friendships are complex and you are at the mercy of sometimes very immature girls.