10 yr old, iPhone and iPad time - help

[strawberrysummer19]

So we find ourselves going round in circles

Normally our 10 yr old is a happy go lucky, little bit in her own world (very little concentration which we are working with the school with) polite, good as gold but the last few months or so I've found she's becoming almost like a teenager !

She's definitely developing so we give her her own space and she's become very independent. So I think puberty has a lot to do with it.

She has a circle of 5-6 friends both boys and girls where she has joined a what's app group - well about 8 different groups ( we got her a phone in lockdown all be it a bit young in my opinion but I think she was isolated from her friends ) anyway she loves talking to them most nights so I allow her to
But we hardly see her, my fiancé thinks it's too much but I'm very much of the opinion that friends are important and let her be happy etc
However we've found content on her phone which was 'silly' is what she's explained it to me
She knows we check it and she's clued up on internet safety
The girls were dancing and lifting their tops up! I was horrified - you couldn't see anything but it was done in a strip tease kind of way
We spoke to her yesterday and she said they were all doing it so joined in
Anyway a week later - we didn't take any electronics away because we spoke to her about how serious it was and she should know better ( she was screen shotting angles of her friends ) and we've told her they could be doing the same to her and it doesn't like nice or appropriate. I didn't agree with stopping her talking/talking away however yesterday I caught her doing it again - so now we've said no phone-iPad for one week whilst she thinks about what we've said

Her friends are same age but because she's an august baby most are a lot older !

She's still asleep but when she wakes I will give her the opportunity to go on her phone to tell the girls ( there are 3 of them including her) not the other friends to say she has no phone for a week due to the behaviour/pictures and that if she's not to participate when she rejoins them in a week. If we decide a week is enough but said we will see how the week goes

Have we done the right thing?

My issue is there were a lot of different issues with this phone, mainly silly things YouTube videos etc but some more serious than others - don't want to make the post too long but hopefully it outlines it ok - but it hasn't gone in a week ago even though I sat with her and talked her through what and why it was wrong and I don't mind her having a phone to talk to her friends but it's getting a bit much.

She's quite grown up for 10 ( 11 in august) and I know children grow up quicker and it was different in our day! (I'm 39) but also dread when she gets older and we don't have this 'control' not that I'm trying to control

Please help as I feel like I'm failing and can see there is an issue with this obsession with her phone ( which isn't free rein may I add, clubs, dinner time, homework we don't just let her sit for hours but some evenings it does feel that way)

Thank you

She’s 10, a young child. She’s not a teenager or even a preteen.

Remove her phone, spend time with her, play games with her, organise play dates with her friends to actually play (what young children should be doing, not “chatting with the girls” ) facilitate age appropriate interactions and expectations for her and her friends.

(My middle child is in 1st year of secondary school, doesn’t have social media, very few of her large friend group do)

Thanks everyone I totally agree it's just bad that I've let her think it's the normal but I obviously thought I was doing the right thing! X

There's a train of thought OP, that is 'Don't let your child be the one who is left out, it's what kids do these days' and we have to be strong to push against that and feel our child is the crusader for our ideals but in this area, I think we have to hold strong! A wonderful mum I know, whose children I grew up with, who seemed to get a super balance between confidant, condidence booster and no nonsense told me recently that the best thing she did was say no, on many occasions and her three look back now and say she was right. She'd be a tough cookie and let the 'I hate yous' roll off her back at these times. She also said she managed to flip the 'everyone is doing it narrative by letting other parents know she was saying no and a few joined her and turned the tide a bit. I tell my son regularly that it would be easier for me to say nothing but I love him too much to let him xyz..

Hi I have a 21 DD who got a phone at 11. I really wish we had made her wait till she was older and restricted her use. I definitely wouldn’t allow use in the bedroom, you have no idea who they are talking to even if you are checking the phone. Children are really clued up on how to hide things from parents. I would also talk to your daughter’s teachers.

Have you tips Fiftyand for limits when they do get a phone?

I've called one of the girls mums and explained and she didn't even realise !this was the girl involved in the pictures, no idea who the other mum is.

I've decided to delete what's app and I've had a chat with her and she's actually been ok - thought she would be upset! I've let her message the other girls to say what's app is going but she still has the same number and in future will monitor the phone - as and when I allow her to have it incase they wonder where she has gone!

No phone no iPad and we will see how that goeS
I've told her that I'm to blame, she is only young and it's just got out of hand

She's at her dads this weekend so I hope he sticks to it too! She doesn't have an iPad or phone there but still I hope he doesn't cave because then it will cause all issues x

Well done Op and isn't it funny how they sometimes are more fine with it than we'd habe thought, probably glad of the limits as it can feel a but out if control and she may have had that 'this doesn't feel right' instinct. Can you be clear to her dad and insist this is important now?

@HeyGirlHeyBoy I really hope he is onboard with it - he should be - we are very amicable but he's very very relaxed ! Although he does stay he can't ever get her off her phone!! Wether I do limit it. But hopefully he will also agree with what we've set x

Sound like you are on the right track. A few other thoughts since she is so young.

Keep the rule that you are allowed to monitor all her activity on line and on her phone. Explain it's just so you can help her understand issues. And do check regularly- apps on her phone, search histories, photos she has taken and screen shot.

At that age, I'd be inclined to no phones or devices in bedroom but that's tricky for music. But certainly for watching videos, texting friends etc, general surfing, best in family area so you can have an idea of what going on.

Try to keep communication open - talk about what she's watching on line watch with her, etc

I remember at about 13 DD signed up for Instagram. She posted some v lovely pics of her abs a friend in bikinis. But we had a chat about whether that was appropriate at her age and she agreed not and took them down.

Aim for calm discussion when she gets it wrong.

@duchessofmuchos thank you, sensible ideas. We've had a nice chat after some tears - I was upset too as I've told her I'm to blame and should be protecting her so it's not like I've really told her off but I've been firm and said it's still not acceptable- she has taken it very well and has a film on, playing in the front room with me. We've said 2 weeks and she seems fine. We are moving house ( with a baby on the way!) in 2 weeks so we will be busy decluttering and packing and getting her excited for her new room x

I have an 11year old DD. No phone yet - she doesn't need one until at least secondary school for travelling alone. iPad only used in the living room. I can hear and see what she is doing and who she is speaking to at all times (although not actively standing over her)

I think at this age in theory they know about internet safety - lots of discussions at school and home. In a way they think of it as a'stranger danger' risk. But I think friends doing stupid things and then joining in is inevitable, as it would be in person. They are not yet emotionally mature enough I don't think to be able to manage as much as they think they can.

Sounds like you've put in some boundaries she actually really wanted, which is probably why she's fine with it!

Yes I agree they are so drummed into about internet safety but hey nevermind, we both feel better about it.

I wouldn't say that, she's just happy I'm not cross now! But either way she's taken it well.
I know there are worst things to be cross about but this all stemmed from something I heard briefly on the internet about a women who lost her 14yr old boy ( don't know the details) was a radio ad as I was going into work but she was sobbing urging mums to check their childrens internet safety, this was to do with an online game where he was groomed and now hasn't got her son as a result.....so sad x

Not enough said about it tbh. Kids way ahead in terms of beating parental restrictions etc.

I'd be taking the phone away permanently.

Yes I'd be hated.

But she's TEN

Mum to 11 year old dd who does have a phone BUT everything is monitored by me and the main reason she has one is walking to school by herself, because we both feel she's safer having it with her "just in case". She has a few friends from school that she FaceTimes and is in a class WhatsApp group that another girl set up, I was surprised actually to see there's pretty much half the class in this group. Speaking to other school parents it seems that the main reason they've got phones is a safety thing for walking to school by themselves. I know the kids she's friends with and their parents so I feel less concerned about dd now than I will next year when she starts secondary school! That's a whole new can of worms and I'll be reviewing things! Also not had the issue yet of her going to her room, it has to be used in the family area downstairs and same with her iPad. She also doesn't have headphones so I can listen to what she's watching. Obviously when she's older this will change and then there's social media to contend with, must admit I'm not looking forward to that stage!

Sounds like you have done the right think OP. She is still young and they make silly decisions sometimes, they are still children don't beat yourself up about it.