DS 10, desperate for a better phone, am I being mean??

[Blewitt]

DS10, going into Yr 6. He has an iphone 6 which does not have a SIM. Uses it for games and youtube and that's basically it. He is so desperate for a better phone it is causing a lot of upset. He actually cries about it and says he has the worst phone in his class and he hates being different. Some kids in his class don't even have a phone but this is falling on deaf ears. I've suggested maybe as a Christmas present he could get a better one but I'm not just going to be getting him one for no good reason other than him wanting one. He has become quite obsessed with it and we seem to have to discuss it several times a day. He is having counselling for general sadness post lockdown and I suggested he talk to her about coping with the feelings he has when he can't have his way and he came out saying she had agreed with him, he should get a new phone! He is youngest of three so sees his older siblings with phones and SIMS, but they didn't even have any sort of phone at 10! Am I being mean and out of touch?
I feel I am going to be ground down by Christmas if this carries on!
Thank you.

Asked and answered is my favourite.

Tell him his phone is fine and that he should be glad at 10 that he has a phone at all.

Next time he starts up...
You've already asked me this haven't you?
What did I say?
Asked and answered.

Then next time he does it just say
Asked and answered

Don't engage any more than that.
Several times a day would drive me mad.

I must admit I'd probably let him have a sim. DS had the minimum data allowance and had always been on "Family Sharing" so I got to approve every app or song he wanted and could control what websites he had access to. I got to see his screen time, what websites and apps he'd been on, and got a weekly report. Tbh I think that's probably safer than no sim.

But it’s not the lack of a sim he’s crying about. It’s the fact he says he wants something better and that everyone (apparently not) in his class has a better phone. Even though apparently lots of them won’t have phones at all.

Sorry but at 10 I just wouldn’t stand for that, and if he kept it up not only would I tell him it wasn’t happening but I’d be seriously tempted to remove the one he already had on the basis he claims it’s not good enough.

We have to get beyond this point where children are calling the shots and deciding what their parents should be getting them, and if they don’t get their own way claiming that they’re left out. Where does it end?

I'd give him a basic PAYG SIM so he can contact his friends, set parental restrictions and refuse to say anything else about it.
I have a crappy phone, with a cracked screen and poor picture quality. But I can't afford another one and if I did I would probably drop it or leave it on the bus tbh. Good life lesson for him- lots of adults don't have a £899 phone either!

According to my DC EVERYONE was allowed on Call of Duty by year 5. EVERYONE was given a tenner a week pocketmoney. EVERYONE blah blah whatever...

It's a no.

According to my DC EVERYONE was allowed on Call of Duty by year 5. ah yes. I remember wen my DS was about 11 him saying to me “when can I play 18-rated games? And he seemed shocked when I said “when you’re 18.” Which was then followed by “but all my friends….” Oh well.

I misread your post and thought he was going to High School in September.
Going into year 6? Suck it up 😂

My 11 year old has an old iPhone 5 and won't be upgrading anytime soon.

Awww this is a tale as old as time. In my day it was everybody had a Nokia 3310 and playing snake and I had a bt cellnet brick

Actually I've just remembered that I was doing a course on anxiety in kids when the whole phone thing came up and they recommended empathy as a way of dealing with it. So you can clarify exactly how he feels 'So you feel less important than the people with the good phones?' (or whatever) and then when he says yes or tells you how he feels you say 'yes I wouldn't like it if I felt less important because blah blah'. Not empathising about the actual phone but the feeling.

Thinking about it this is probably what the counsellor said! So you'll need to tag on 'but children in this house don't get a good phone until they're 12' (or whatever).

He's sad, you said. So perhaps over focusing on the phone model because he is not feeling good enough in himself and needs a magic easy way to fit in and gain status. I would set out a clear pathway to when he's going to get a sim or a new phone. Then I would focus my energies on helping him develop interests, social networks and positive role models. Its possible he needs more input from you because he's down and is seeking it negatively, so don't underestimate the power of family boardgames, activities and good old time with mum/dad. Parents are the main and best route to helping sad kids, not counsellors.

That's nice advice. He's fixated on the phone being a fix for his self esteem in the group. Maybe help him gain a little ground there with the prospect of when an upgrade is likely.

I'm afraid it would be 'if the phone is making you sad then we'll put the phone in a cupboard for a week' here.

I gave DD my old iphone 6 when we went to DLP when she was 11, so that she could take decent photos, she is 13 now and I only just bought her a refurbished iphone 6 for £95 as the other had a bad battery and smashed screen. No way was I spending more money on something newer .

I won't be buying her anything else for a long time. It is a smart phone and it does everything that she needs a phone to do. She loves it.

Your son does need to understand that we dont always get what we want in life, and that his time will come, and when he is old enough with his own money, he can buy what he wants, or agree a deal that he can have a newer one for next birthday/Christmas, and agree a model/price in advance.

I very much doubt that his counsellor agreed with him that you should get him a new phone. I would say he is fixating on this because there is a problem in another area of his life.

If you do get him a sim, Smarty have some good deals, or Giffgaff is another one.

I also agree with PP, it's that phone or no phone and if he goes on about how bad it is, it is taken away from him. and I agree with another PP, rinse and repeat. I tell DD, we have discussed this, you have my reply, it's not going to change.

@GoWalkabout

He's sad, you said. So perhaps over focusing on the phone model because he is not feeling good enough in himself and needs a magic easy way to fit in and gain status. I would set out a clear pathway to when he's going to get a sim or a new phone. Then I would focus my energies on helping him develop interests, social networks and positive role models. Its possible he needs more input from you because he's down and is seeking it negatively, so don't underestimate the power of family boardgames, activities and good old time with mum/dad. Parents are the main and best route to helping sad kids, not counsellors.

It is good advice. I do think/know you can feel quite helpless when your kid is sad though and a bit of outside advice never hurts.

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks

How about

"DS, if you shut up about having a different phone until Christmas then you have an excellent chance of getting one for Christmas. One more word and you definitely won't."

That.

My 11&13yr old both have reconditioned iPhone 6s, I wouldn’t pay anymore than that tbh, in case they lose them. I think that’s a fairly standard phone, they don’t moan, though there are some kids with better.

Loads of great advice, thanks. I have gone through with him repeatedly about not always getting what we want, having to wait for things etc etc, was just starting to doubt myself due to his upset and persistence, so reassuring to know I'm not completely out of touch with current phone use in this age group! Asked and answered is a great tactic, will definitley use it,
thanks.

Is your only reason for him to not have one because he’s asked for one and you don’t deem it “necessary”? Or can you not actually afford one? Most things aren’t necessary but are a nice to have. It’s the same for children and adults. If you can afford it, why not get him something he seems to really want? Unless he’s a spoiled brat you breaks everything, I don’t think it’s that wrong to indulge them now and again.

We give a pretty crappy phone as their first phone with the understanding that they have a better phone if they've managed to look after it for a year.

Even then the better phone is a reconditioned Iphone.

They get the crappy phone before going to High School.

Omg no you are absolutely not being mean. He is acting like a spoiled brat- crying because he only has an iPhone 6? If he gets the latest model of whatever, will he cry again because everyone else has moved on to the next model - will this extend to everything?
It sounds like he's only using it as a tablet - I'm sure they only need a mobile with a sim when they go out without an adult for a long enough period of time to have to ring for something... Don't ever bargain or barter. You're in charge here, make up your mind and stick to your guns.

• just reread that and i definitely did not intend to come across as harsh as that sounds! Good luck op. It is hard.