10 year old DD constantly VILE to 6 year old sister

[WitheringEyeRoll]

Just totally venomous, shouting and sometimes hitting, hair pulling etc. The poor kid can move without getting it in the neck.

I've tried reasoning, withdrawal of privileges, seperating them and I've even lost my shit once or twice. All I get when I'm trying to reason with her is a mouthful of abuse back.

10 year old gets PLENTY of attention out with this behaviour.

Tips for getting through this with my nerves intact!

You are right to be concerned OP. Like others said it can cause problems for them both (especially the victim) later on.

I went the other way when my other siblings would try start on me. Which is not a good thing either, basically any sort of hint they were about to wind me up, hit me etc and I went like a wild alley cat I became the one to hit first, because I knew what was about to happen. We all get along fine now and can laugh about some of the things, but I dont forget the feeling of pure anger looking at my sibling, it's not good.

Order, read and follow 'Mercury's child' it's amazing and you will see a swift improvement

Your poor younger DD 😕

This is a very tough one.
Tell your Dd1 she doesn’t have to like her sister but no nastiness towards her or anyone will be tolerate. Every time there is a bad word or worse a physical action from her, there will be lasting consequences.

No play date, no screens but not for a couple of days , for very long periods, then if needed remove her toys, her posters, her bedroom door, even the bed frame. And kindness only will bring stuff back.

Talk to your dd2 and tell her you will not allow her sister to hurt her, be it words or physical harm. You will make sure of that.

Don’t talk to much or too long with Dd1. She will stop listening to you after 4 min. Just say it is not acceptable, and that from now on, zero tolerance

After posting on here last night, this thread really got me to thinking and has made me understand a few things about my reactions to my DCs behaviour.

I hate playfighting and 'rough & tumble' play and whenever they do it, I panic (10yo DD and 8yo DS who is plenty big enough to hold his own). Yesterday, DD pulled DS back by the back of his t-shirt and I really shouted - there was no malice involved whatsoever on DDs part, her and her brother were playing and he was actually laughing and trying to 'escape' her.. but it sent me straight into overreacting.

I guess the point is that even though me and my DB get on (to a point) these days and I haven't felt the need for therapy like some pp's, the scars run deep.

I hope you've not been too overwhelmed with these responses, OP.. my parents almost idolised my DB and whilst not fully excusing his behaviour, they certainly didn't condone it in a way that made me think hes stop. I wish you nothing but luck as it must be very hard to realise that your lovely DD1, because I suspect she is lovely, is capable of being really not lovely

Thank you SanFran. You've hit the nail on the head. And the realisation that this is so much worse than I thought.

And now this morning DD1 has (before any chats about behaviour) has made DD2 a picture that says "I love you DSis", with illustrations of treats and things. So maybe there is hope.

My sister was perfectly capable of being sweet to me too and protecting me from bullies at school.

But it did not excuse her nasty behaviour which was utterly miserable to live with

I'm not sure the GP is the answer. Everything seems to be blamed on mental health issues these days and with people going to mental health services with things that are not mental health related...it's part of the reason why the system is in the shit that it's in. Among other reasons of course. But it was never meant to deal with poor/bad behaviour. I'm not saying that your daughter doesn't have mental health issues of course because I don't know her but I'm just saying don't be so quick to go down the medical route. They can't really help if there isn't any mental illness.

On a personal level, if she was my kid I'd be tempted to give her a good hard slap and take every luxury she has from her ie phone, computer, time out socialising with friends etc. I was a victim of this kind of behaviour growing up and it really deeply affected me for a long time.

Hi OP I was an older sister growing up, 18 months between me and my sibling.
We used to fight a lot physically and I think I felt quite a lot of anger/resentment towards my younger db that I didn’t really understand. Mum used to shout at me/us to stop which didn’t really change things.
Now we are adults I’m not close to db and I feel quite sad and guilty in a confused way about that.
I wanted things to be different for my kids so read calm parents happy siblings which helped me.
Mine are only little but one thing that helped me (as well as trying to have good 1-1 time with older dc, and talking about what triggered the bad behaviour) is that when she was physically/verbally abusive towards younger dc, I would repeat that this is not acceptable and then lavish a lot of attention on the victim ‘are you alright, let me kiss it etc etc, let’s play with this together’ and ignore older dc.
This worked very quickly, better than punishments/telling off, as her main goal for misbehaving seemed to be to get attention (even bad attention).
Also the younger dc cheered up a lot quicker.
Also I try and notice and praise older dc when she is kind to her sibling so she can think of herself in this way.
I’ve done quite a bit of work with older dc about feelings and tried to give her the time to talk to me about things going on with friends etc as well.
I never had this growing up, was not allowed to feel negative things about my sibling coming into the family, and mum was busy/perhaps also didn’t know how to help me with difficult feelings/situations growing up.
So I’m still working on myself to be more healthy regarding feelings but it’s difficult to unlearn bad habits of stuffing feelings/exploding.
You are being a lovely mum for asking advice about how to help both your dc. Hope some of this is helpful.